Thursday, August 17, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 17, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has begun holding press conferences in his mind, silently answering questions he would like reporters to ask, then announcing to the world that he's just had a big press conference. After all, everything is big and great in Donald Trump's mind. "No more questions," he told a stunned reporter when he'd finished daydreaming. "It's time for my nap."

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 16, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump is determined to go to war with North Korea because his poisonous pet snake Jasper told him that all news originates there. "I will meet the fake news with fire and fury, like the failing New York Times has never seen," he told reporters.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 15, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): As Donald Trump slips further into senility, he has become dangerous even to those closest to him, sometimes not able to recognize his allies and owners. "The fucking dog bit me," Steve Bannon said about the president. "I was in the middle of feeding him, and he started snarling and then lunged at me." Steve then added, "We may have to put the fucker down."

Monday, August 14, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 14, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has lent Melania to former KKK leader David Duke for two nights as thanks for the special rally thrown in Trump's honor in Charlottesville on Saturday.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 13, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A Trump rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, turned violent yesterday when those gathered learned that a giant statue of Donald Trump would not be replacing that of Robert E. Lee.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 12, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): According to staff at the Trump National Golf Course, Donald Trump's golf game has actually gotten worse in recent days, even though it's the one activity he spends time on. Of course, this decline in his ability has not been taken well by the thin-skinned lummox. Those close to the president admit that it has angered him to the extent that he's eager to prove his manhood by dropping bombs on somebody, anybody.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 11, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Knowing that he is nearing the end of his life, and that people couldn't bear to exist in a world without him, Donald Trump is planning an all-our nuclear war. It's his way of saying, "You're welcome."

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 10, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Lara Trump's new official propaganda show is the only source of real news in the entire country. A popular print advertisement for her show reads, "If you liked Joseph Goebbels, you'll love Lara Trump."

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 9, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The White House has installed two hundred new phone lines in order to keep up with the incredible number of phone calls Donald Trump receives from the infatuated citizenry of this country who just can't stop contacting him to express their gratitude and fealty. "Everyone praises me," Donald said. "Everyone loves me and thinks I'm the greatest. I have gotten phone calls from every single person on the planet saying that my speeches are the greatest they've ever heard, and to thank me for water and the sun and scented candles and avocados and walls and disco and the color blue."

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 8, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): During a recent television interview, the lights caused Ivanka Trump's plastic face to melt. The reporter conducting the interview and the film crew were horrified to discover that underneath Ivanka's plastic exterior lurks a bruised and frightened member of an alien race. "Please don't reveal my secret," the creature said. "As bad as it is being Donald's lover, it is actually even worse in the coal mines of my home world."

Monday, August 7, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 7, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Stephen Miller, senior advisor to the president and avid Nazi memorabilia collector, is urging that the poem at the base of the Statue of Liberty be removed before more cosmopolitans and hopeful immigrants take it to heart.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 6, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When asked about the hypocrisy of taking a seventeen-day vacation after repeatedly criticizing President Obama for taking vacations, an irritated Donald Trump shouted: "It's not the same thing! I'm white!"

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 5, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): At his most recent self-love rally, Donald Trump claimed victory in the war on "beautiful clean coal," a war which claimed the lives of more than fifteen billion people last year alone. Now that the war is finally over, Time Life Books is putting together a twenty-volume series detailing every important skirmish, with portraits of many of the generals and foot soldiers who lost their lives in heroic coal fights.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 4, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Suddenly realizing that they are responsible for their own actions, Republicans have promised to begin answering all criticism without resorting to attempts to redirect it against Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 3, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When Donald Trump purchased Kellyanne Conway's soul, he believed he was getting a bargain. But soon he discovered that at five dollars, he had grossly overpaid.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 2, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Deidre Scaramucci, in a new interview, reveals the reason behind her divorce from the recently hired and fired communications director, and it has nothing to do with Anthony Scaramucci's temper and abusive nature, as had been previously reported. Rather, it is because he is obsessed with Steve Bannon's cock. "That's all he ever talks about," she told the reporter. "It's all he thinks about. I was pregnant, about to have his baby, and he could not have cared less. The only input I got from him was that he wanted to name the child Steve. I decided to go with James."

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 1, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Nine-year-old Dylan's correspondence with the president was abruptly halted by his parents after Donald Trump asked him if he had a younger sister available.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 31, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Eric Trump is the newest Trump family member being investigated by the FBI. However, in his case, the investigation has nothing to do with connections to Russia. Rather, it's about Eric's potential to cause harm to himself and to others. Eric's suicide letter was discovered late yesterday, and in it he talks about killing his entire family before killing himself. Many people have voiced the opinion that Eric should be left alone to go about his business.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 30, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Betsy DeVos repeated her claim that she is not part of a Satanic cult, insisting she has no idea how the charred remains of several children found their way into her home. "It's a mystery," she told reporters. "Just like God."

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 29, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): After feeling personally betrayed by the Senate, Donald Trump locked himself in a White House bathroom, communicating with his cohorts only via text messages. After a few hours, the new, slightly less feminine Sean Spicer told reporters: "The Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that Donald Trump has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away."

Friday, July 28, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 28, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has begun taking bids for a special addition to Mount Rushmore. The work will be complicated by the fact that rock will actually have to be added as well as sculpted. "Since I am the greatest president this world has ever seen, I think my face should be bigger than all the rest combined," Donald announced at his latest self-love rally. He added that he believed some minor changes would have to be made to the existing sculpture as well. "I want those other guys to look up at me, admiringly," Donald explained. "Just like they would if they really existed."

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 27, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump was discovered hiding under his desk in the Oval Office today. "They can't impeach me if they can't find me," he told a White House staff member. "Crouching under a desk protects us from nuclear disaster, so certainly it will protect me from the fake media, the FBI and impeachment."

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 26, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When Donald Trump erroneously said that the Affordable Health Care Act was put in place seventeen years ago, it was because he believes he has been in office for ten years. "I have been president for at least a decade, and I have done so many great things," he was heard muttering to himself as he wandered about the White House grounds.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 25, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump spoke at a Boy Scouts event, finding an audience there that shared his level of political knowledge and acumen. Feeling secure among the boys after each of them signed a loyalty oath and donned a Trump armband, Donald teased them about the size of the event's turnout, pointing out that more people attended his inauguration. He thanked the boys for voting for him, gave them advice on running a real estate business and attacking their enemies, then instructed them to find some Girl Scouts and bring them to his hotel room. "Only pretty ones," he cautioned them. "Girls that look like young Ivankas."

Monday, July 24, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 24, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When a reporter for a parenting magazine accused Donald Trump of having a favorite child, Donald replied: "Of course I do! Would you want to fuck Eric or Don Jr. or Tiffany?"

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 23, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump went out of his way to take part in the commissioning ceremony for the USS Gerald R. Ford, a not-quite-subtle way to remind people that soon he too will need to be pardoned. "Gerald Ford was a great man," Donald said at the ceremony. "And today we celebrate the wonderful thing he did for another great president."

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 22, 2017

Today's alternative fact(to help you get through the day): Sean Spicer has resigned from his post as White House Press Secretary in order to return to the job he has loved most in his life, that of White House Easter Bunny. "I just love dressing up," Spicer said. "Once a year, I can roll around on the White House lawn in my furry costume, and no one can see my face because of the giant bunny head." When reporters pointed out that the job works only one weekend a year, Sean Spicer returned to another favorite subject. "The rest of the time I can live among the hedges and bushes," he said. "I am working on a new costume made entirely of pine needles, which I plan to unveil at next year's national botany convention."

Friday, July 21, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 21, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Melania Trump has given up on her promised anti-bullying campaign, and instead is going to focus her energy and time on something closer to her own experience: helping prostitutes get better footwear. "They are out walking the streets all night, often in last year's fashions," she said. "My goal is to replace those shoes with ones that are both sexy and practical."

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 20, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Kellyanne Conway denied charges of cannibalism, insisting that she thrives solely on a diet of Donald Trump's excrement. "I gobble up every last morsel he leaves for me," she told reporters. "And he leaves plenty."

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 19, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): After hearing a recent study found that the majority of Republicans think universities are bad for the country, Donald Trump was quick to agree. "If people weren't as educated, I would have even more supporters," he told a reporter.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 18, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump was quick to support Department of Education Candice E. Jackson's belief that ninety percent of rapes and sexual assaults are simply the result of having a bit too much to drink followed later by regrets, and aren't crimes at all. "That's exactly what happened with me and that thirteen-year-old girl," Donald said. "We both just had a lot to drink, and then later when I untied her, she had second thoughts. Case closed."

Monday, July 17, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 17, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, in a moment of exasperation, stated that even if he and Pence and the rest are impeached, the Democrats will never get their hands on Jasper, Donald's giant poisonous snake. "Jasper is completely capable of running the show himself," Donald said. "I've left him in charge multiple times, whenever I go golfing. And he's the one who tells me which bits of paper to sign, and even how to hold the pen."

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 16, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald managed to avoid grabbing anyone by the pussy at the women's golf tournament. This was not, however, a display of his willpower, but rather the result of a small electronic device attached to his genitals, which provided a moderate shock each time he started to reach toward a woman. It was the first time that women felt comfortable around the creepy bastard since his early childhood.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 15, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Even Donald Trump's imaginary friend Jim no longer wants anything to do with the president. It has been several weeks since Donald has been able to contact him. In a real statement, fake friend Jim told the press he and Donald disagreed "on that whole Russia thing," and that was what ended their friendship.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 14, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The White House is working perfectly, just as Donald Trump claims.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 13, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, now wishing to distance himself from his son, told a reporter that he doesn't know Donald Trump Jr. "Our names being similar is just a coincidence," Donald said. He then added, "I've never even spoken with the boy."

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 12, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump stated again that none of the women who accused him of sexual harassment were pretty enough for him to assault. "Why would I go after those ugly women when I can have Ivanka any time I want to?" Donald said. "It just doesn't make sense." He also repeated his claim that his being president keeps him safe from any and all legal actions against him. "I can say whatever I want about those ugly women, but no one can say nasty things about me, because I'm the president," Donald boasted.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 11, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): It is now clear that Donald Trump's travel ban has targeted several of Melania's old clients, people Donald fears may try to get in touch with her again. Donald has repeatedly told Melania she is not allowed to see any of her previous johns, but he has been filled with doubt since she stopped admitting him into her bedroom.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 10, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The entire world broke out in spontaneous celebration when video footage revealed that Donald Trump is capable of retrieving a hat. Previously, it was thought this sort of action was beyond his limited abilities. People are beside themselves with joy. It is now being said that this single act might bring about world peace, even though the hat blew off again immediately, and Donald was unable to get it a second time.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 9, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Defending Ivanka's right to take his seat at the G20 leaders' table, Donald Trump said, "I always like Ivanka to keep Daddy's seat warm."

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 8, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Trump now claims that his many medications have had an unforeseen side effect, giving him the ability to become invisible to certain people. "That's why the first lady of Poland walked right past me when I tried to shake her hand," Trump said. "I was invisible to her. I have great, great plans for how to use this ability to make America great again. And I'll be spending a lot more time in Ivanka's room."

Friday, July 7, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 7, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has chosen to address no specific agenda in his meeting with his old pal Vladimir Putin in large part because an agenda would require some reading. Donald has given up reading entirely, and prefers to receive his information in short rhymes sung to him by a man dressed in a bunny costume (that man, by the way, is Sean Spicer).

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 6, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Video footage of Donald Trump wandering away from his waiting limousine gave Ivanka new hope of avoiding her father. "All I have to do is stand directly in front of him," she said. "Chances are good that he won't see me." To increase her chances of remaining undetected, she stated she'll dress in all black and place television cameras off to her left to distract the predator.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 5, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Mike Pence flew into a rage when Donald Trump continued posting on Twitter while he read the president his nightly bedtime story. "If you're not going to pay attention, I'm going to put the book away," the vice president said. Donald then threatened to replace him with Steve Bannon, who, according to Donald, is a better storyteller anyway.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 4, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump now claims that he deliberately includes misspellings in his Twitter posts in order to appeal to his followers. "Every time I misspell something they love me more because they think I'm one of them," Donald said recently.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 3, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump ridiculed Mike Pence for saying he is uncomfortable being alone with any woman other than his wife. Meanwhile, all women - including Melania and Ivanka - say they are uncomfortable being alone with pussy-grabbing Donald Trump.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 2, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Jeff Sessions and Mitch McConnell get together one weekend a year to play Plantation, a game in which they recreate the delightful time of the early 1800s. Several homeless black people are rounded up to portray their slaves. There is an elegant ball, a large banquet and a dunk tank. At the end of the weekend, Sessions and McConnell free the homeless people and give them each a confederate flag and a box of leftovers.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Alternative Fact: July 1, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has commissioned a new national anthem to be written, the lyrics of which will be all about him and how he's making America great again. "I got the idea after Ivanka told me about that great new law in the Philippines," Donald told reporters. "I'd like to do something similar here, but if the people are going to be forced to sing passionately, we have to give them lyrics they can be passionate about."

Friday, June 30, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 30, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Graduates of Trump University have had tremendous success in a variety of fields. Some are now serving food in a timely manner; others are responsible for transporting children to school; while still others are helping the environment by removing recyclable materials from trash bins.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 29, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump loves his own image so much that he has commissioned fake magazine covers featuring photos of him and words of praise. In addition to several fake Time covers which are displayed prominently on all his properties, Donald Trump can be seen on fake covers of People, Men's Fitness, Muscular Development, Muscle & Fitness, Spirituality & Health, Signal and - of course - Self.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 28, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): According to Donald Trump, ambassadors and dignitaries visiting this country are thrilled with their official gifts from the White House - Donald Trump mugs and Donald Trump T-shirts, items left over from the campaign. "I give great, great gifts," Donald bragged to reporters.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Alternative Face: June 27, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): For those families in danger of having their food stamps cut, Kellyanne "Bowling Green Massacre" Conway offers a simple solution, one that is common practice among her own extended family: they should eat their young.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 26, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): White House security forces were called to Melania's room when she reported a fat, hideous intruder attempting to get into bed with her. It took several men and a box of doughnuts to coax the president back to his own room.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 25, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has commissioned a Trump monument to be built in Washington, D.C. After learning of the existence of the Lincoln and Washington monuments, Donald began planning his own, and recently bragged to the White House staff that his monument will tower over the others. He also expressed shock that it costs nothing to visit the Lincoln and Washington monuments. "Mine is going to cost at least twenty dollars per person," he said.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 24, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Trump merchandising is bringing in a lot of money for the president, who doesn't let pass any opportunity to make a buck. In addition to hats, T-shirts, mugs, banners and golf sets, the man occupying the White House is now selling Donald and Ivanka dolls, which come as a set. While the Ivanka doll is fully poseable, with multiple points of articulation, some followers have expressed disappointment that the Donald doll is completely stiff. "The only thing that moves is his hair," said one discouraged Republican.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 23, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Sean Spicer is excited about his life after the Trump regime. "I've decided to find a nice residential area and live among the well-trimmed hedges," he told reporters. He added that he thought he wouldn't encounter trouble from the residents, as he has perfected his hiding methods and believes he will not be detected.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 22, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has been hard at work preparing short comments about both his resignation and his impeachment for Twitter. He is hoping that by being prepared, he'll be able to avoid those embarrassing misspellings and other errors that plague most of his posts.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 21, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The laboratory where an earlier mishap resulted in the creation of Betsy DeVos suffered another major setback last night when vandals broke in and damaged specimens of what were reputed to be intelligent Republicans, something new the government was developing.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 20, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump's lawyer has promised to be as honest as Donald himself, and so he issued a statement saying that Donald has never done anything wrong in his entire life and is not under investigation.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 19, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump was pleased with the praise given to him by his cabinet members at the recent meeting. But after reviewing the footage multiple times, he realized each had basically said the same thing as the last, and so he has imposed a new rule for future cabinet meetings. Everyone will still be required to compliment and praise Trump, of course, but there can be no repeated compliments. Because of this new order, cabinet members have expressed an eagerness to arrive early in order to get a good position at the table so as to be able to go first.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 18, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): According to several witnesses, when Ivanka wished Donald Trump a happy Father's Day this morning, he grabbed her roughly, said "Call me Daddy," and then revealed he's not her biological father. When asked about the encounter minutes later, Ivanka insisted she's Donald's biological daughter and that her inheritance is not in question.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 17, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): At a press briefing, Donald Trump claimed that recent polls showing his low approval rating are false. "My approval rating is very high," he said. "The highest of anyone ever, after you subtract those three million people who were polled illegally."

Friday, June 16, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 16, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Undercover reporters have learned the secret hazing procedures of Republicans, which include public defecation on either a copy of the First Amendment or the Roe V. Wade decision (most choose to do this late at night, so as not to be seen). Once he or she has gone through the hazing process, there is also a special ceremony in which the soul is symbolically removed from the neophyte. At the end of the ceremony the newly born Republican is given a hundred-dollar bill that had been intended for charity.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 15, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump is considering taking a break from his job as president in order to film a new season of The Apprentice. "It's such a great show, but it's only great when I'm on it," he told reporters. When asked who would run the country while he was busy with the television show, Trump answered, "Don't worry, I'll still be running things really, but I plan on giving the country to my sons so there will be no conflict of interest." Reporters were too stunned to ask any follow-up questions.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 14, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Melania Trump has moved into the White House. It took weeks of renegotiating her contract, but finally she and Donald, along with their respective lawyers, were able to hammer out a deal in which she would move into the White House in exchange for a large, but undisclosed sum. According to this deal, Melania will not sleep in the same room as Donald, but will be seen in public with him once a week. If Donald wishes to have her accompany him to a second government function in any given week, he will have to pay her another fee. According to the lawyers, the contract is for one year, as neither of them thinks Donald's presidency will extend beyond that time period.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Fun With Trump Supporters (Because Swatting Them Only Makes Them Angry)

I wish that everyone who voted for Donald Trump would disappear from our planet. Eventually that will happen, of course. But not soon enough. And so we have to live with these cretins. One way to deal with that is to have a little fun with them online, responding to their ridiculous posts and comments. So here we go again, more Fun With Trump Supporters...

Richrd Neal (on Facebook, 5-5-17): "Trump is killing it - He was born to be President...Don't believe me? Just look around you at all the melting snowflakes. That is all the evidence one needs to know Trump is making things happen like no President before him. Because so many pissed off melting snowflakes tell you he is shaking things up by getting things done..."
My response: "Richrd Neal, what goddamn liberal snowflake stole the 'A' from your first name? Have you reported this theft to the police? Don't let them get away with this, Richrd. Who knows what perverted things they're doing to your A right now? This is exactly the kind of thing that Donald Trump warned us about. I bet Hillary is behind this. I bet she took the A from your first name in order to use it in some other devilish word, a word you can't even imagine, a word that would terrify school children and cause dogs to bark wildly. Richrd, those liberals must be stopped before we end up with a nation of Richrds and Brins and Ryns and - god forbid - Donlds."

Brunell Donald-Kyei (on Twitter, 5-6-17): "I thought about jobs that went overseas failing schools open borders not my skin color when I voted @realDonaldTrump! I am a Proud American!"
My response: "Next you should think about punctuation. Trump supporters seem to only have access to exclamation points, not commas."

Darren Embro (on Facebook, 5-7-17): "Our soldiers are the true heros, they fight for our great nation, risk their lives, sacrifice time with friends and family, lose their friends in war, and still wake up ready to defend our great nation until the last breath. I am glad to see a president who truly appreciates the military."
My response: "Darren, you are a bit daft, my friend. Donald will publicly be in favor of whatever his people tell him his foolish supporters like. That's why he suddenly attended a church service on Easter, because his insane supporters are into that sort of thing. But keep in mind that the only thing Donald Trump is truly in favor of is Donald Trump. (By the way, you misspelled 'heroes.')"

Leslee Leger Brown (on Facebook, 5-16-17): "President Trump is doing so much for America..... while liberals choke on Fake News..... he does not let it get him off focus on fixing what is broken in America...... sure would like to hang the leaker..... Washington Post should know better..... they are guilty of jeopardizing National Security not our President!!" 
My response: " Leslee, you are a demented twit. Supporting Donald Trump is like announcing to the world that you are unable to tie your shoes, do simple math, tell the difference between a fork and spoon, find your way home from two blocks away, open a bottle of wine, park a car and so on. Supporting Donald Trump is announcing to the world that you have no integrity or soul or heart or sympathy. Supporting Donald Trump is announcing to the world that you are no longer capable of making your own decisions, and that you desperately need constant supervision."

Thomas Caputo (on Facebook, 5-16-17): "Thank god a good man like Donald Trump stepped up to save us from the same old Washington politics that have ruined this country for years. God bless this man. He waging a war on phony politicians and communists insurgents. I love this guy."
My response: "Thomas, clearly you are no longer able to take care of yourself or make rational decisions. Saying you love Trump is like saying you enjoy throwing razor blades at babies in the NICU." 

Michelle Bell (on Facebook, 5-18-17): "WE THE PEOPLE KNOW U HAVENT DONE ANYTHING WRONG. LOVE MY PRESIDENT"
My response: "Trump fans have such a tough time with English. Michelle, you are a fucking moron, and don't tell me you're not. Now, see how in that sentence I typed the word 'you' rather than just using the letter 'U.' Notice also that when I used a contraction such as 'don't' that I correctly included the apostrophe. And did you notice that at the conclusion of each sentence I included punctuation? That's how adults make sentences." 

Helen Magyari Ilonka Todorut (on Facebook, 5-18-17): "Yes we are with you and we love your work what you doing for us people"
My response: "Helen et al, I agree! I love how Donald Trump is getting rid of environmental regulations so that we can all get sick. And I love that he wants to get rid of health care, so that once we get sick we can just all suffer together. Nothing brings the people together like a whole lot of death. I also love all the great work he does down at Mar-A-Lago every week." 

Kenneth Dean (on Facebook, 5-18-17): "Keep fighting we got your back"
My response: "When will Trump supporters be given access to punctuation? Fight for that, Kenneth Dean! Fight!"

Judith Tamar (on Facebook, 5-18-17): "I am so sad that you must take this evil witch hunt. So you need much more of our prayer. Be strong and hold on. God bless you and your family!"
My response: "I agree, Judith! God bless his family, especially that ex-prostitute who used to pose nude. Oh, and also that daughter/girlfriend of his who likes to use her position to promote her clothing and jewelry lines." 

John Duncan (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "Keep up the great work for America, the patriots who can think and aren't sheep see what you are doing. Hollywood liberal's and the globalist kabal abd their media mouthpieces tout nothing but missinfirmation, you will be vindicated in the end."
My response: "What the hell is 'missinfirmation'? Also, take the apostrophe out of 'liberal's.' Fucking Trump supporters just can't handle the English language."  

Elizabeth Roberts (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "Wow a president who shares openly with the American people what he is doing.. what a concept? God placed you hear in this moment in history to lead this nation for a reason.. Nothing and no one is going to remove you out of your appointed place, or take it from you, President Trump. The evil empire we are battling may lie, scheme, profane, and distort every thing you do. But whom God has sovereignly appointed, they cannot take nor remove. Thank you for your immense hard work, your bravery, your respect for this great national and her people.. and for Godly fear which is the beginning of all wisdom. You're doing great! Very proud."
My response: "Elizabeth, you're a nut. Now take a moment to review the difference between 'hear' and 'here.' Also, let me ask you one thing: What specifically has Donald Trump done that you consider great? And yes, I will keep in mind while reading your response that you are a nut." 
Elizabeth Roberts: " Michael Doherty .. Are you really serious??.. yeah, you've been pickled by the mainstream media.. figures.. I can't abide the ignorance.. sorry.. please move on."
My response: "Elizabeth Roberts, waiting for your response. Come on, Lizzy, one thing that he did that is truly great." 
My response: "You're dodging the question, Lizzy. What specifically did Trump do that you consider great? Is there anything, or were you lying?" 
(I went to Elizabeth Roberts' Facebook page, and it turns out she is a big fan of Info Wars. Oh boy! Yes, nothing tells us you're a genius quite like quoting Alex Jones. I wonder if Elizabeth Roberts followed his custody battle, which he lost.) 
Elizabeth Roberts did not respond, so I tried once again.
My response: "Lizzy, are you still trying to come up with one great thing that Donald has done? Sweetheart, let me save you the time. He hasn't done anything great. He hasn't done anything good. So give up, and admit your original post was nonsense, you nut." 

Eric Curse (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "It's nice to have a President who shakes the hand of other leaders instead of bowing to them like Obama has."
My response: "Eric, Trump curtsied. He curtsied. You didn't see that? He bowed, and then curtsied. Clearly it's time for us to start grabbing Donald Trump by the pussy." 

David Klepinger (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "Suffice it to say that America has never had a president that has worked as hard as Donald J. Trump. God be with you, Mr. President."
My response: "David, I agree. He has worked so hard on his golf game, and I'm sure soon we will see some improvement on his swing." 

Jay Pearce (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "I love it when the president posts his agenda for the day... it is great, the everyday person now knows what the POTUS is doing.... keep up the good work chief, we are in your corner and have your back"
My response: "The 'everyday person'? As opposed to someone who is only occasionally a person?"  

Cassandra L. Dippold (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "Holy moly I hope you rested Well! You are a busy man Mr President Donald Trump! We love you and appreciate ALL you do to bring us together as one ALL countries working together and respecting us as their ALLY! God bless you. Thank you Jesus for putting this man as our leader! TEAMUSA#!"
My response: "Cassandra, wait, Jesus is responsible for Donald Trump being president? I thought it was the Russians. Or maybe a mistake made by the electoral college. It was Jesus? Let's find this guy, whoever he is, and nail him up on some wood!" 

I've been posting my daily alternative facts on Donald Trump's Facebook page, always prefacing them by saying "Today's alternative fact" to be very clear. On May 22, 2017, a woman named Esther Weyand responded: "Wow Michael you better have all your ducks in a row here because that's enough to be sued for deffimation of character! How could you say something like that??"
My response: "Esther Weyand, thank you for once again proving that Republicans have no sense of humor. And, by the way, I say stuff like that every day, and will until Donald and his regime are dragged out of the White House."
My second response: "Also, Esther, you should learn how to spell. It's 'defamation' of character, not 'deffimation.' Moron. Also, Donald is completely lacking character, so there is no chance of defamation."  

Donna Smith (on Facebook, 5-28-17): "so glad she didn't get elected now i know my daughters will be safe and all the other females and everyones elses yes even stupid libtards"
My response: "Donna Smith, your daughters will only be safe if you keep them away from pussy-grabbing Donald Trump. He likes 'em young. Very young."
Donna Smith: "Michael Doherty no justamd who knows maybe people like you pervert like bill Clinton"
My response: "Donna Smith, what the fuck were you trying to say? I can't make heads or tails of your gibberish. Please go back to school." 

Charlie Brown (on Facebook, 6-3-17): "Why is it so hard for anyone to see that this man heartfully cares about America? People!"
My response: "Charlie Brown, you're a clown. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) To answer your question, it is because Donald Trump lies with every single sentence he struggles to create. No one with any sense can believe anything he says. So if he says he cares about America, well, I don't buy it."
Charlie Brown: "Michael Doherty, you are the joke. I need say anything more."
My response: "Charlie Brown, you need say anything more? So you're going to say more? Did you mean to type 'I need not say anything more'? Or should I wait for more things that you need to say? Come on, Charlie Brown, get it together! Psychiatric Help: 5 cents. The doctor is in."  

I like to post my daily alternative facts on Donald Trump's Facebook page and on the Republican Party's Facebook page, and occasionally one of Trump's moronic followers will respond. Charlotte Miller responded early on the 10th to my post from June 9th.
Charlotte Miller (6-10-17): "Your a disgusting human pig. Your not good enough to carry President Trumps lunch bag" (And she included a cartoon pig head between her two sentences.)
My response: "Charlotte Miller, you seem to be having trouble knowing the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' Why don't you go back to school, learn a thing or two, and then come back and talk with me. Also, Donald Trump doesn't eat his lunch out of bag. He eats it out of the hollowed out skull of one of his beauty contestants." 
(A side note: I find it slightly humorous that Charlotte Miller's Facebook profile photo is of a child with the caption, "Why can't we all just get along?") 

Alternative Fact: June 13, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump admitted this morning that he does not have any recordings of his conversations with James Comey, though not because he thinks it would be wrong to secretly tape someone, but rather because he couldn't figure out how to turn the machine on. "These things are very complicated," Trump said. "Who knew espionage could be so complicated?"

Monday, June 12, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 12, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): It turns out that Donald Trump did not block anyone on Twitter, at least not personally. Members of his staff, in an effort to keep him as pleasant as possible, have taken it upon themselves to block Twitter users who they fear might upset the thin-skinned leader. "Because Donald is so quick to anger, we do our best to keep all negative comments away from him," one White House staff member said. "And that, as you can imagine, is incredibly difficult, as pretty much everyone hates him."

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 11, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A new report has surfaced, indicating that thousands of the fake Twitter accounts set up to support Donald Trump have now turned against him and are demanding his immediate resignation.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 10, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump let Kellyanne Conway out of her cardboard box in order to conduct a poll of his popularity on Twitter. Hoping to gain permanent freedom by appeasing her master, Kellyanne reported that 100% of those polled thought Donald was doing the best job of any president in the history of the country. When she was returned to her box afterward, an annoyed Kellyanne admitted that she only polled Donald's fake followers, and even then had to cheat a bit.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 9, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A group of girl scouts made the deadly mistake of trying to ply their wares at the White House. After being personally escorted into the Oval Office by Donald Trump, they were not heard from again. When asked about the missing girls by reporters, Donald stuck his fingers in his ears and said, "You're fake news, I'm not listening, nah nah nah-nah nah." However, a little later he was overheard bragging to hideous goblin Steve Bannon, "I ate those little blond cookies."

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 8, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Visitors to the White House yesterday were alarmed when their tour brought them to Donald Trump sprawled across a couch near the lobby. Because he seemed non-responsive, one tourist took out his cell phone to call 911, until the tour guide assured him this was Trump's normal state for much of the day. She even encouraged each of the tourists to poke him and leave "Thank you" notes taped to his body. "Don't worry, housekeeping will clean him up before dinner," the tour guide promised.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 7, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Word has leaked from the White House that Donald Trump used government funds to purchase several television spots to help sell his Muslim Ban under its new brand name, Travel Ban. "Hire some beautiful blond models to appear in the ads," he instructed an intern. "If that doesn't work, then I just don't understand America anymore."

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 6, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Republicans are asking citizens to cut Donald Trump some slack with regard to his use of Twitter, reminding them that he is under a lot of pressure. "Donald is not used to being awake for more than six hours a day, and most of those early morning Twitter posts were dictated by his six-foot long poisonous snake, Jasper," a Republican spokesperson told reporters. "Jasper wakes Donald every morning, demanding to be heard, and does not give Donald sufficient time to think about the messages before they are posted." Jasper was unavailable for comment.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 5, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): There was a brief panic in the White House today, when Donald Trump started shouting that his pet snake Jasper had gotten loose from his cage. Several staff members exited the building after Donald said the large, poisonous snake was angry and incoherent. It turned out to be a false alarm, however. Jasper was still in his cage. It was Kellyanne Conway who had somehow gotten loose. But within moments she was captured, sedated and returned to her cardboard box.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 4, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The only man working harder than Donald Trump is Donald Trump's therapist, who is trying desperately to help the president come to terms with being laughed at. According to several sources, Donald's therapist even organized a group of White House staff members to stand facing Donald and to begin laughing at him on cue. The results did not meet the therapist's hopes or expectations. Donald immediately fired all staff members involved in the exercise. "Now see if they laugh," he boasted before taking a nap.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Trump Supporters Are Idiots, Round Ten

Holy moly, I believe these people are actually getting dumber. I posted today's alternative fact on the President Donald Trump Fan Club Facebook page (yes, there is such a thing), so I knew a lot of idiots would see it.

Here it is: 

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A source close to Donald Trump leaked a portion of what Donald is calling "Donald's Great Solution," the goal of this plan being to destroy the entire planet. "Donald is old and demented, and knows he's going to die soon," the source said. "But he just can't stand the idea of the Earth existing without him, so he's working to have the planet destroyed by the time of his own death. Withdrawing from the Paris climate accord was just one step toward this goal."

Joanne MacIntyre: "What planet are you from? If you don't like the president move to Canada!"
My response: "Joanne MacIntyre, it's called Earth. Please don't visit."
Donald James Crawford: "Read Genesis 8-22 while the earth remains seedtime and harvest time and cold and heat and summer and winter day and night shall not cease. Climate change is a hoax I believe the Bible!!"
My response: "Donald James Crawford, wow. That is the most incredibly stupid thing I've read in a while. Why don't you read something that is actually about the issue, something written more recently perhaps, something written by experts in the field."
Patricia Stewart: "Michael Doherty You are a libtard retard !! OMG it is hard to believe how many people they have persuaded with there stupid talk and fake news."
My response: "Patricia Stewart, you child, learn the difference between 'their' and 'there,' and then come back and play with the adults."    
Patricia Stewart: "Your a troll SOB !!"
My response: "Patricia Stewart, also learn the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' Geez, Patrica, you're not very bright, are you?"
Dolores Anick: "Your a d."
My response: "Dolores Anick, my a d? What does that mean?"  
My second response: "Dolores Anick, did you mean my assistant director? What about my assistant director? Dolores, finish your sentence, because my assistant director is curious."
Jeannine Cote: "Michael, 60 million people who voted for Trump are ignoring you. Get lost. Only lazy people believe everything they see on the media rather than find the truth. You should put your energy to better use. Nobody cares that all you are looking for is a good fight. Like it or not, Donald Trump is your President, elected by the people and for the people. When you get tired of fighting, open your eyes and see the good things that are happening. But then again, you wouldn't know good if it smacked you in the face."
My response: "Jeannine Côté, name some of the good things that Donald has done. And where do you find the truth? In Donald's Twitter posts? I hope that is not the case. On FOX News? That can't be it either. So where is this strange new truth that you've discovered? And again, in case you've forgotten, tell me specifically some of the good things that Donald has done."  

No response by Jeannine Cote, of course. I left two more messages, encouraging her to respond, but apparently she is still trying to think of good things that Donald has done. By the way, while Dolores Anick did not respond to my questions, she did send me a friend request on Facebook. Interesting. 

Alternative Fact: June 3, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A source close to Donald Trump leaked a portion of what Donald is calling "Donald's Great Solution," the goal of this plan being to destroy the entire planet. "Donald is old and demented, and knows he's going to die soon," the source said. "But he just can't stand the idea of the Earth existing without him, so he's working to have the planet destroyed by the time of his own death. Withdrawing from the Paris climate accord was just one step toward this goal."

Friday, June 2, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 2, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump swore that even though half of his followers on Twitter are fake, paid-for accounts, he would not stop working to make America great for them. "I will make America so great that they will become real," Donald said. "Just like Melania's love for me."

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 1, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has announced plans to launch his own probe to investigate citizens who don't respond favorably to his demented posts on Twitter and Facebook. "Obviously, these people are paid by the Russians," Donald said. "Russians are a great, great people. But these people who are paid by the Russians to leave bad comments about me are not great." 

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Alternative Fact: May 31, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Sean Spicer told the press that Donald Trump loves language, and that his creation of new words is a result of that love, and not, as many have surmised, a symptom of the dementia that he suffers from. Spicer concluded the press briefing by saying "Covfefe," then quickly hid behind a strategically placed bush before any questions could be asked.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Alternative Fact: May 30, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has decided to replace the entire White House staff with robots made in China. "They make great robots there," Donald told the press. "You can get the robots to do whatever you want. My Ivanka robot gives me pleasure every morning." Donald later admitted that he couldn't get his Melania robot to work.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Alternative Fact: May 29, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Upset at not being the center of attention on Memorial Day, Donald Trump today claimed that he was killed during his extensive military service in Vietnam, and demanded there be parades in his honor.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Alternative Fact: May 28, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Rather than argue with Donald Trump's insane declaration that he is suffering the "single greatest witch hunt" in history, people have decided to embrace the idea and are eager to hunt him down and burn him at the stake. Representatives of the city of Salem, Massachusetts have put in a bid to have Donald's public cleansing held there, and sales of marshmallows have tripled in the area.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Alternative Fact: May 27, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump met with Pope Francis this week, hoping to hire the holy man to perform an exorcism on James Comey and anyone else who might offer damaging testimony. "I'll be able to pay you a lot of money," Donald assured the pope. "My new budget frees up billions of dollars that would have been wasted on the poor." The pope seemed reluctant, and no deal was finalized before the Trumps had to leave, but Donald was confident that something would be arranged soon. "I'm great at making deals," Donald bragged.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Alternative Fact: May 26, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump expressed disbelief over the uproar caused when he pushed aside the prime minister of Montenegro. "Look, I am the star of the show," Donald reminded the world. "The audience wants to see the star, and no extras should block their view of him." He then had Sean Spicer contact Central Casting to make sure that extra would not be hired for future episodes.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Alternative Fact: May 25, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump put in a bid for Jerusalem's Western Wall. After personally inspecting the wall himself and finding it secure, he explained to the folks there that it would be put to better use on the U.S./Mexico border keeping out rapists and drug dealers.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Trump Supporters Are Idiots, Round Nine: Velvet Rozanne Bennett

I posted today's Alternative Fact on Donald Trump's Facebook page (as I do most days), and several of his supporters just did not enjoy it. One idiot - Velvet Rozanne Bennett - really struggled with the post's presence, and decided to engage me in an exchange. She posted a couple of comments, to which I did not respond, but that did not deter her. She kept up with it, and so I replied. Here is our exchange:

Velvet Rozanne Bennett: Idiot! Omg! You people are pathetic!
(no response from me)
Velvet Rozanne Bennett Michael Derp! Lmao! Your profile picture says all I need to know pinhead!
(no response from me) 
Velvet Rozanne Bennett: Michael Doherty. Please stop trying to sound "intelligent" or "humorous", you're failing miserably at both. Lmao! 
My response : Velvet Rozanne Bennett, I don't accept suggestions from adults who type "Lmao!" I insist on actual words. Good luck!
She also responded to another person's comment: Omg! You're so wrong! Republicans are the ones that pay for welfare idiot!
My response: Velvet Rozanne Bennett, also adults who type "Omg" are people I think very little of. I do, however, like your name.
Velvet Rozanne Bennett: And Michael Doherty, you have nothing but a stupid grin and a snarky attitude! Cheers beotch!
My response: Velvet Rozanne Bennett, also "beotch" is not a word.
Velvet Rozanne Bennett: Michael Doherty. That's it? That's all you got? Pathetic libtard!
My response: Velvet Rozanne Bennett, and "libtard" is not a word. Velvet, you're not very smart, are you? That's okay. Being an idiot doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. Keep reaching for the stars!
Velvet Rozanne Bennett: And by the way the word beotch, it is a word if you choose to avoid excessive profanity. But then, you wouldn't understand, you can't think that deep. Lmao!
My response: Velvet Rozanne Bennett, no, it's not a word. But I do wish you luck in all your endeavors. Such as pouring milk into a glass and tying your shoes and figuring out which bus stop is yours.
Velvet Rozanne Bennett: Michael Doherty, quit trolling and get a life loser!
My responseVelvet Rozanne Bennett, you seem to be forgetting that you decided to comment on my post, not the other way around. So you may kindly go fuck yourself now. Amen.

And that put an end to our exchange. Velvet chose not to respond. But I do wish her luck in all her struggles.

Alternative Fact: May 24, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Though she doesn't do it all that often, Kellyanne Conway has the ability to change the color of her skin to match her surroundings. Sean Spicer says it is her single most admirable trait, and he has expressed the wish that he were able to camouflage himself too. "I would like to be green like my friends, the hedges," Spicer said.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Trump Supporters Are Like...

Trump supporters are like those crazy women who marry incarcerated men. They are blind to the obvious and numerous bad qualities the man possesses.

100 Days Of Alternative Facts

Donald Trump began occupying the White House on January 20, 2017. Sean Spicer, in his first statement to the press, lied about how many people attended the inauguration. On January 22nd, lizard woman Kellyanne Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet The Press that Sean Spicer presented "alternative facts." And the lies haven't stopped since. Only a week later, Kellyanne Conway invented the Bowling Green Massacre. And let's not forget the microwave camera. Of course, most of the lies haven't been as humorous as the camera. No truths come from the White House. Donald Trump is a pathological liar, and not a single statement he makes is to be trusted. We have only alternative facts. On February 13th, I began posting daily alternative facts. I'd hoped to post only a few, but somehow Donald Trump is still occupying the White House (when he's not on one of his many vacations, that is). I've posted one hundred alternative facts. When will this horror end? Well, in case you just returned to Earth and missed some of the alternative facts and need to know what's been going on in the country (or what's not been going on in the country), here are the first one hundred, in order.

February
13: Kellyanne Conway is a human who does not shed her skin or eat her young.
14: Donald Trump did not rape a girl and then send her death threats to convince her to drop the lawsuit.
(Bonus Alternative Fact on February 14: Donald Trump did not rape his first wife, Ivana.)
15: Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler have absolutely nothing in common.
16: Vladimir Putin has absolutely nothing on Donald Trump.
17: Democracy is alive and well in the United States.
18: Donald Trump is competent and sane.
19: Scott Pruitt will do everything he can to help the environment, and will certainly not be swayed by the oil and gas industry that contributed so much money to him over the years.
20: Melania Trump never worked as a prostitute.
21: While taking a romantic drive in Studio City with his daughter and Steve Bannon, Donald Trump accidentally drove his car into a large sinkhole. There were no survivors.
22: Donald Trump has kept his promise about not golfing while acting as president.
23: Kellyanne "Bowling Green Massacre" Conway's next television appearance will be a pay-per-view fight versus Sean "Ginger Spice" Spicer. The winner receives exclusive rights to Donald Trump's brain, and from then on will be the sole official distributor and interpreter of Trump's statements and intentions. The winner also receives an official Trump Tower bathrobe. 
24: Donald Trump denies that his entire deportation program is just a way to legally get rid of Melania before she can divorce him and take half his money and property.
25: Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus are very happy together, and are not - as has been reported - having a lovers' quarrel. Priebus assures everyone, "I love when Stevie touches me in public."
26: Donald Trump is not using the office of the president to promote his daughter's clothing line.
27: The people behind the Bowling Green Massacre have finally been caught. Kellyanne Conway, the leader of the terrorist cell, poisoned herself with her own tail before she could be questioned.
28: During an early lunch, Donald Trump choked on one of Kellyanne Conway's bones and was rushed to the hospital. He did not survive.

March
1: Donald Trump hasn't placed a phone call to Russia in more than a decade, not even to the special 1-900-SHOWERS number.
2: Kellyanne Conway is a live human being, and not one of Jeff Dunham's rejected puppets controlled by an inept intern at FOX News.
3: Donald Trump did not commit treason.
4: Steve Bannon directed some well-balanced and unbiased documentary films.
5: Melania Trump is a classy lady who never posed nude for photos.
6: Donald Trump is a perfectly reasonable and intelligent man who makes informed decisions based on sound evidence from reliable sources.
7: Kellyanne Conway's skin looks so bad not because she's about to shed it but because the liberal media are deliberately distorting her image to embarrass her.
8: Donald Trump inspires the youth of our nation to always tell the truth, and to take responsibility for their actions.
9: All of Steve Bannon's marriages have been successful. Same goes for all of Donald Trump's marriages.
10: Sean Spicer is on edge until he gets his hormone levels correct, leading up to his gender reassignment surgery. That's right, friends, Sean Spicer is becoming a man.
11: Donald Trump is capable of human emotions just like a real live boy.
12: The Trump businesses are in no way benefiting from Donald holding office.
13: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
14: Microwaves can become cameras, blenders can become hearing aids, and tangerines can become presidents.
15: Trump supporters are able to think for themselves.
16: The new Nazi America is even better than the old Democratic America. Let's keep winning!
17: Grizzlies attacked another school, but Betsy DeVos was able to subdue them with the school's special anti-bear gun.  
18: On the golf course this morning, Donald Trump and his staff were attacked by rabid, angry gophers. There were no survivors. Even the gophers died, succumbing to food poisoning after feasting on Donald Trump's grotesque head.
19: There is no one who respects women more than Donald Trump does.
20: Tourism is on the rise here in the United States. People all over the world are excited to see for themselves just how Donald has made America great again.
21: Betsy DeVos promised to stop commenting on education and all other topics she knows absolutely nothing about. Her closest friends tell reporters that she has essentially taken a vow of silence.
22: Donald Trump continues to hold rallies for important political reasons, not because of his desperate need for adoration.
23: We don't need education, health care or the environment, just so long as Trump Tower is safe. Soon we'll all be living in there.
24: Donald Trump is not a pedophile and is not friends with any pedophiles such as Jeffrey Epstein. And he most certainly did not rape a thirteen-year-old girl at one of Jeffrey Epstein's parties. And Donald was only joking in that video when he referred to a ten-year-old as a potential future date, and again when he told two fourteen-year-old girls that he'd be dating them soon.
25: Donald Trump is sorry for all the trouble he's caused and hereby promises to be a good boy from now on.
26: Donald Trump accepts defeat graciously.
27: Not everyone who voted for Trump is a racist shithead.
28: If a Trump supporter bites you, there is still a slight chance you won't become a Trump supporter yourself. But you have to act quickly! Tear away the infected area before the stupidity can spread to your brain. And remember: only a direct hit to the head will take down a Trump supporter. Otherwise they will keep going to Make America Great Again rallies and typing poorly constructed sentences on social media sites and chanting "USA, USA" and making a nuisance of themselves.
29: Melania Trump is in love with Donald and swears she misses him every moment they are apart. Furthermore, she denies accusations that she is still a prostitute and that Donald is simply her biggest client. "That's absurd," she says. "At this point, he wouldn't be able to afford me anyway."
30: Kellyanne Conway obtains nourishment from a wide variety of sources, not just mice and insects.
31: The people who work in U.S. Immigration And Customs Enforcement are among the most thoughtful, kind and conscientious people in the country, and they take great care of those they have in custody.

April
1: Privacy is not important. What's important is that advertisers will be able to know everything that even briefly interests us so we can be made aware of all the glorious products available. And it's proper and fitting that our internet providers will be able to profit from selling that information, particularly as we are also already paying them.
2: Bill O'Reilly and FOX News gave thirteen million dollars to those five women out of kindness and a sense of charity, not because Bill is guilty of sexual harassment. Bill O'Reilly has a lot of respect for women. In fact, the only person who respects women more than Bill O'Reilly does is Donald Trump.
3: Trump revealed on Twitter that there is also a "Fake Trump," and it's this Fake Trump that is supposedly involved with Russia. Donald then defended the Fake Trump, saying, "When will Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd and @NBCNews start talking about the Obama SURVEILLANCE SCANDAL and stop with the Fake Trump/Russia story?" To help him relax, Trump has promised to take Fake Trump golfing this weekend.
4: Trump's choice of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education had nothing whatsoever to do with her brother creating a secret channel for communication between Trump and Putin, but was because of Betsy's extensive experience in public education.
5: If there is anything the American public needs to know, Donald Trump will tell us about it on Twitter. No other sources of information are necessary.
6: Ivanka Trump's political experience, acumen and expertise will come in handy in her new position in the White House. Also, she has promised to give all the White House staffers an employee discount on her clothing line.
7: Donald Trump really cares about the Syrian people, and that is why he launched this military attack, not because he desperately wishes to distract the nation from the Russian conspiracy and distance himself from Putin.
8: We are going to have the cleanest coal ever. It's going to be great. It's going to be so clean, you'll hardly even recognize it as coal. Kids will be excited to get it in their stockings at Christmas. They'll have the cleanest stockings. Those stockings are going to be so clean. Please join Donald Trump in supporting the Clean Stockings Act.
9:  Donald Trump is currently in business negotiations to purchase the White House. He plans to rename the property Trump House, but promises to maintain the structure's color. "White is the only color for me," Trump said. "Believe me, I wouldn't even consider another color."
10: Donald Trump revealed today that his medications allow him to commune with animals, and that he's been speaking with a six-foot long poisonous snake named Jasper. "Jasper will be creating policy in the coming months," Donald said. "He's got some great, great ideas."
11: Donald Trump has offered United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz a job in his administration, saying Munoz will be responsible for "re-accommodating" Muslims, Mexicans and transgender people.
12: Donald Trump explained that the runways at the Syrian base were never the target, and that's why none of the 59 missiles hit them. He also confirmed that the chemical weapons stockpiles at the base were not targeted. "I targeted the real source of the trouble," Donald said. "I got it from reliable sources - Breitbart, FOX News and my snake Jasper - that the base's cafeteria was where the real trouble was. They served those awful square pizzas, where the cheese comes off in one rubbery clump. That sort of thing is sad and has to be stopped, no matter where in the world it is found, and no matter how much it costs American taxpayers."
13: Just because someone is a relative to Donald Trump doesn't necessarily mean that person will be given an important job in the administration. However, today Donald promised Barron Trump his pick of ambassadorships if the child can persuade Melania to move to the White House.
14: Donald Trump confirmed today that his military policy is to bomb anything that makes Ivanka sad.
15: Donald Trump is currently working to get permission from Vladimir Putin to release his tax returns, as he promised he would. Because, as you know, Donald Trump keeps all his campaign promises.
16: Ivanka Trump was not given a free ride. She had to earn every dollar bill her daddy left on her dresser.
17: As his attorneys insist, Donald Trump cannot be sued while he is acting as president of the United States, even for things he did before taking office. Since he is above the law, Donald should not feel any constraints when choosing a course of action (or when one is chosen for him by Putin, Bannon, or his poisonous snake Jasper), and so can do whatever he wishes in his noble efforts to make America great again.
18: Today my dream came true. A clown car pulled up onto the White House lawn, and fifteen angry clowns climbed out, a dozen of them carrying a long string of barbed wire, which they began wrapping around Donald and Ivanka, winding it tighter and tighter, the barbs tearing into their twisted flesh. While they did that, one of the other clowns played a lovely dirge on ukulele, while the remaining two clowns performed an elegant interpretive dance, not easy to do in those giant shoes. When the song and dance were finished, the other clowns unwound the barbed wire, and all of them got back into the car, leaving the hideous corpses of Donald and Ivanka in an eternal embrace on the lawn. A witness reports seeing a strangely satisfied smile on Donald's deceased face as the clown car drove off into the Washington, D.C. morning traffic.
19: Sean Spicer assured the nation that Donald Trump's hideous, bloated corpse is still in control of the country. "While it's true that yesterday Donald and Ivanka were killed by a carload of angry clowns, absolutely nothing has changed," Spicer said at a today's press conference. After a moment, he added, "The president may spend a little less time on Twitter."
20: Now that Donald Trump has been dead for a couple of days, Melania is, for the first time, seriously considering moving into the White House.
21: Sean Spicer confirmed that even though Alex Jones has now admitted to being a total fake, Donald Trump's bloated corpse still enjoys being propped up in front of the radio to listen his program.
22: Alien races have finally contacted Earth. It happened late last night after several alien civilizations caught wind of a supposed plan by NASA to send Donald Trump's bloated corpse into space. The message NASA received, signed by multiple alien races, reads, "We don't want that asshole out here."
23: After Bill O'Reilly's dismissal, bloated corpse Donald Trump is under even more pressure to provide a public voice for desperate fans of insane racist rants and sexual harassment. Sean Spicer, in a statement today, assured the nation that hideous bloated corpse Donald Trump was up to the task.
24: Bill O'Reilly now swears that, like Alex Jones, he was merely playing a role, in his case the role of an insane racist journalist who likes to sexually harass women. O'Reilly insists that was just the part he was playing, and that in reality he is not a journalist at all, nor does he have any interest in women whatsoever.
25: Though Donald Trump has been dead for a week, his supporters continue to rally around his hideous, bloated corpse, feeling that he now, perhaps even more than before, is one of them, and swearing they will make sure he remains in office for eight years.
26: One of the angry clowns responsible for the deaths of Donald and Ivanka Trump released a statement which reads, in part, "Donald was giving clowns a bad name, and it was determined by clown consensus that he must be stopped." A spokesperson for clowns said today, "Donald was always more buffoon than clown anyway, and the deaths of Donald and his wife could have been prevented had the nation understood that distinction in November."
27: People in Texas that voted for Donald Trump are enthusiastic about giving up their land for his beloved wall project. And those who will suddenly find themselves on the Mexican side of the wall are especially thrilled with their choice for President.
28: Sean Spicer stated that sealing some Texans on the Mexican side of the wall is simply part of the president's plan to make America great again. For every Texan that is sealed out of the country, America will be that much greater, Spicer explained. For once, it was difficult to argue with his logic.
29: Sean Spicer stated today that it was Fake Trump that was killed by that carload of angry clowns, and not the real Donald Trump. And since it was also Fake Trump that was involved in the conspiracy with Russia, Spicer said that this should put an end to that story as well.
30: Sean Spicer today claimed that the Ivanka that was killed in the embrace with Fake Trump on the White House lawn was actually one of many Ivanka robots that Donald keeps in the White House for sexual gratification, and was not the real Ivanka. "Honestly, I'm not even sure there is a real Ivanka," Spicer added.

May
1: Kellyanne Conway denied laying a new clutch of eggs over the weekend, explaining that her breeding time is still nearly a month away and that for now she is entirely focused on helping the president chew his food.
2: Donald Trump has promised that within the next hundred days he'll stop publicly congratulating himself on what he perceives to be great accomplishments of his first one hundred days playing president.
3: Donald Trump maintains that calling Senator Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" isn't racist, adding that he calls Hillary Clinton "Maleficent," Sean Spicer "Tinker Bell," Steve Bannon "Dumbo," Kellyanne Conway "Sir Hiss" and Ivanka "Jessica Rabbit."
4: Donald Trump wants to make one small amendment to the Constitution. He simply wishes to include a small, tasteful advertisement for The Mar-a-Lago Club. "Wherever there is empty space on the paper, space that's not being used for Constitution stuff," Donald explained. "I haven't seen it, but Ivanka told me there is plenty of space in the upper right corner near something about 'the wee people.'"
5: School children all over the country were thrilled to learn they would no longer have to memorize any facts whatsoever. Following the president's example, students can now answer any test question with: "I have my own opinions. You can have your own opinions." With Betsy DeVos in charge of the nation's education, teachers will have no choice but to mark those answers as correct. Children celebrated this change by chanting "USA! USA! USA!" and then dropping their text books in front of their schools.
6: After Donald Trump admitted he had difficulty staying awake through the two or three daily meetings he was asked to attend as president, his staff promised not to bother him with any more details of foreign or domestic events and let him sleep. Donald said, "Great, great."
7: Donald Trump tried to hire George Lucas to release a Special Edition of the inauguration celebration in which thousands of spectators would be digitally added to certain scenes. Lucas was initially interested in the project until Trump nixed his idea of adding stormtroopers, imperial officers and a family of Hutts to the background.
8: The ghost of swashbuckler Andrew Jackson was seen by several staff members this weekend stalking the corridors of the White House and repeatedly bragging that he would have stopped the Civil War if only he'd still been alive.
9:  Donald Trump claimed today that Mike Flynn himself is fake news. "There is no Mike Flynn," Donald said during an unscheduled press conference. "That was Obama in disguise. He was here to spy on me, place wiretaps on my phones and in my special pillow fight room that I share with Ivanka. That's why I fired him. I fired Obama." When the stunned press attempted to ask him questions, Donald reminded everyone that he won the election and that fifty billion people had attended his inauguration. He then asked for his mother, before being quietly led from the podium by the White House Easter Bunny.
10: When Donald Trump was told by Ivanka that his many cries of "Fake news" were not enough to put an end to the F.B.I.'s investigation into his criminal activity, he went into a panic. But Ivanka then suggested he simply fire F.B.I. director James Comey. "I can do that?" Donald asked, wiping the tears from his face. "You can do anything," Ivanka assured him. "You are the president." Thrilled that he could once again use his old catch phrase from his television program The Apprentice, Donald immediately called Comey and told him, "You're fired." He then got online and boasted: "As President, I cannot be charged with any crimes. And anyone who tries looking into my many criminal enterprises will be fired and will not be back next season." Donald then went to a commercial break.
11: All government employees are now required to sign an oath of loyalty to Donald Trump, promising to always love him, to tell him he's great every time they see him, and to refrain from investigating him and his activities. Republicans, having sold their souls months ago, were delighted and eager to sign to prove their patriotism and continuing usefulness to the despot.
12: Sean Spicer has ordered several large bushes and a hedge to be placed around the podium in the press briefing room so that he will feel more comfortable when fielding questions from reporters. "I just like to be among bushes," he said to the amused press corps.
13: A White House intern was fired last night after refusing to give Jeff Sessions and Donald Trump a bubble bath in Donald's giant's tub. "It wasn't even the bath that I objected to," she told reporters this morning. "After all, they both needed a good scrubbing. What I just couldn't bring myself to do was follow Donald's request to wear an Ivanka wig and some of her perfume."
14: Hoping to coax Melania back into bed with him (on those nights when Ivanka is otherwise occupied), Donald Trump has given her the state of Hawaii to do with as she will. Melania is reportedly thrilled with her gift, noting that it is located some distance from Washington, D.C. When Donald's consultants pointed this out to him, he told them to see about exchanging the gift for Virginia or possibly Maryland.
15: Donald Trump has agreed to let Felix H. Sater rent Melania for a week for the relatively small sum of $10,000. "Felix is a great friend, and that's why I gave him such a deal," Donald said. "Usually Melania commands a much greater sum for her services."
16: Donald Trump reminded the nation, "No one is above the law." He then added, "Except me, my family, and some of my friends in Russia, obviously."
17: Donald Trump has outlawed all history courses in high schools and colleges throughout the country. Explaining the move, Donald told reporters, "It doesn't matter what I said yesterday, it only matters what I'm saying right now."
18: Donald Trump has officially eliminated the process for impeachment in the United States. "No more impeachment for anyone ever," Donald told the stunned press corps. "Unless I can still impeach Obama or Hillary." He then asked, "Can I?"
19: Soon you won't be reading anything negative about Donald Trump, for he has signed a bill which will make it illegal to say or print anything unflattering about him. "I'm going to put the fake news in jail," Donald said to a small crowd of adoring illiterates. "They have a choice: either print stories about how great I am or go to prison."
20: Reporters have discovered Donald Trump's weakness: he only exists when cameras are recording him. He feeds off the attention. Turn the cameras off, and Donald Trump disappears. Leave the cameras off long enough, and he will wither away and die. The reporters are busy spreading this message, knowing the last holdout will be Donald's accomplice, FOX News.
21: Accomplices of Donald Trump revealed today that Donald has recently become very religious, even going so far as to strike a deal with God, which explains the itinerary for Donald's first trip abroad as president. In exchange for God removing all evidence of Trump's criminal and treasonous activity, Donald promises to not get any more divorces, and will stay with his current wife Ivanka until her death.
22: While Donald Trump now asserts that the trafficking of underage girls is a bad thing, he did not always hold that viewpoint. Investigators have uncovered receipts that indicate that Ivanka is not Donald's biological daughter after all, that Donald actually purchased her from Russian friends when she was the tender age of four. "I got a great deal on her," Donald was recently heard bragging to Steve Bannon. "And I'm not giving her back." Some reporters have speculated that Donald's fear of losing his daughter/girlfriend is the real reason he continually tries to convince the press to stop reporting on the Russia connection. DNA tests that could resolve the question of Ivanka's parentage have yet to be administered or even agreed to.
23: Donald Trump announced that he is drafting an official amendment to the Constitution which would not only eliminate the 22nd Amendment, but would allow presidents to automatically have the job for life. "No more costly elections and no more time wasted voting," Donald said. "Instead of standing in line at the polls, Americans will be deep in the coal mines. And I won't have to spend money or time on another campaign, and instead can focus all my energy on making America great again and on improving my golf game."

I sincerely hope that there will not be another hundred days of this. Donald Trump must be removed from office by whatever means necessary. And his entire regime must go with him.