Thursday, April 22, 2010

Ways In Which "Kick-Ass" Sucks

1. First of all, the guy wears glasses, but when he's dressed as Kick-Ass he takes them off. He does not put in contact lenses. And this is not Superman. He actually needs the glasses. So how is he able to see, for example, when he flies the jet pack and shoots at the bad guys through the windows near the end?

2. Does anyone believe for a second that the teenage girl works at a needle-exchange program? And even if she does volunteer there, it would be on a Saturday afternoon with a lot of adult supervision, and she'd be filing forms or something. There is no way she'd be there alone at night. No fucking way.

3. The tone of this film is all over the place. Is it a fun, silly comic book movie? Is it a teen comedy? Is it a mob movie? Is it a serious family drama? Is it an over-the-top action film? It seems like five different editors were given various sections to edit, and each of them was told the film was a different genre. Or maybe five different directors.

4. How did Nicholas Cage begin to pay for all of his weapons? Remember, he was in jail for five years, and before that he worked as a police officer. Sure, in the film, we see them steal money from drug dealers. But what about before that - how did he pay for his costume and everything to start with? But that also brings up another issue - those drug dealers looked like small-time lowlifes, but apparently they had millions of dollars in their apartment.

5. What's the deal with the teenage girl assuming that the boy is gay just because two thugs beat him up? Did that make sense to anyone? Does every gay person get attacked by thugs? Is that how you know someone is gay? I fucking hate this movie.

6. So when did Nicholas Cage develop his skill as a comic book artist? While working on the police force? Or during his five years in prison? And when his old police partner shows up at his house and sees his work, it's in an actual comic book form, all professionally put together and everything. So did Nicholas Cage hire a company to actually produce his work? And wouldn't that perhaps give away his plan to kill all of those people, since that's what the comic book is about?

7. The writer had troubles with math. At the beginning we see Kick-Ass, and there is voice over that leads us to six months earlier, when it all started. But then in that voice-over which takes place six months earlier, he says, "Over the next 18 months." Okay, so that takes us a year beyond our point of entry. A year into the future. Dumb-fuck writer.

8. The voice over at the beginning is from the guy and he says he's not a jock, he's not a nerd, he's not this, he's not that. Basically it's saying he has no identity. And then in the film he takes on the fake identity of a super hero. But the film never addresses that issue, of a teen finding and molding his own identity. If the film had decided to stick with its more serious tone, it could have explored this issue and it might have been an interesting film.

9. This movie has absolutely no idea what its target audience is. You would think it's aimed at 12 and 13 year old boys. But it's rated R. So those kids can't see it. So then you have to assume it's aimed at adults. But if it's aimed at adults, then why have all the stupid shit that the kids will identify with?

10. Has anyone ever been to a comic book store that also has a restaurant in it? Comic book store owners are seriously paranoid about the condition of the comics. There is no way they'd want food anywhere near the comics.

11. The CG flat-out sucks. How about that ridiculous shot of Nicholas Cage on fire? Did a child draw those flames in? I think so.

12. Sorry, but I don't want to see a mob boss punching an 11-year-old girl in the face. I just don't.

13. There is that stupid scene where one person (in this case a child) runs down a hall and manages to kill like a dozen or more professional killers without getting even a scratch (though they're all shooting at her).

14. How old is Hit Girl anyway? At some point in the movie someone says she looks like she's eleven. That seems about right. But at the end she's going to high school. So is she fourteen? She doesn't look it.

Okay, this is all just off the top of my head. There is a lot more wrong with this stupid film, but i need to get on with my day.

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Bargain

Dear God, i will totally begin worshiping you if you send $400 my way. Actually, i will extend that offer to everyone. Four hundred bucks. I will worship you. Seriously. And you can tell people at work (or wherever you are), "Hey, there is a guy in Los Angeles that worships me." How many people can say that? (Well, that will depend on how many people send me $400.) And if you send me $400 and God doesn't, then you'll be one up on God. Now that's got to be worth $400.