Wednesday, June 25, 2014

For Love Of Mistress Boobilicious

Mistress Boobilicious inspires artists to create unspeakable works, pieces that can be shown in no gallery for the cries and accusations of indecency that would surely issue forth from prudes and pundits as a result. Religious leaders scoop out their own eyes as the only way to avoid the greatest temptation, because they can't trust themselves. Action becomes involuntary, like salivating. Mistress Boobilicious inspires much of that as well, from men, women, animals, anything within a certain radius. Even tall trees lean over to get a better look at her as she walks by. I heard a tale - and I believe it - of a corpse rising out of his coffin in an effort to get a hand on one of her remarkable breasts. He was unsuccessful, and died a second time of despair at his failure.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014


I've been having trouble sleeping lately, but this morning I woke only once - not bad - until there was a banging at my door at 10 a.m. I waited a moment, to see if it would stop. It didn't. Then I remembered that UPS might be delivering something today. So I put on a pair of shorts and opened the door.

Two attractive women were there, so I knew it was trouble. "Hi," the younger and cuter of the two said, "we'd like to share with you the newest issue of -" And I saw the little Jesus pamphlet in her hand, and recognized that large, twisted smile as that of a demented slave of the Lord. And I quickly said, "No, thanks," and shut the door.

Goddamnit! It was ten in the morning. Don't these monsters know that decent folks are asleep at that hour? If I'm going to be woken by someone at the door, I want it to be the mailman bringing me some intriguing package, not two nuts peddling their wacky notions. I wish I hadn't bothered to put on shorts.

Mistress Boobilicious And Her Aquatic Adventure

As I understand it, Mistress Boobilicious only went into the ocean because she heard the dolphins were feeling frisky. Some of the younger dolphins, that is. What then occurred varies by the teller. But apparently by the time she got into her swimsuit, many of the dolphins had tired of their games and gone home. But of course her presence in the water attracted all manner of excited beasts. And some of these creatures were driven into a frenzy, which her teasing did not satisfy or quell, but rather agitated and enraged, to the point where the waves could not contain them, and some passersby were injured and impregnated. The authorities have not pressed charges, for who could be blamed in such circumstances?

Monday, June 23, 2014


I was just walking home, and the streets of Valley Village were deserted, except for a giant raccoon that was heading in the same direction I was, lumbering across the street. Because of his slow pace, I was catching up to him. Finally he noticed me when I was right behind him, and he stopped and turned around to size me up. And then he growled at me, as if he were going to attack. I told him, "It's okay," to let him know I wasn't looking for a fight. But I was thinking, "Come on, I need a new coat." He took me at my word, turned his back on me, and headed off. But I really would like a raccoon coat.

Thursday, June 12, 2014


Bugger me, I need to lose weight. And quickly. It's not a matter of pride or vanity, but rather economy. I can't afford new pants. So I need to be able to fit back into the ones I already own, and that means losing some weight. I thought this new prominence of my belly was a sudden thing, that these khakis had fit me just a few weeks ago, but a friend told me that the last time he saw me I seemed a bit pudgy. Okay then.