Monday, August 21, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 21, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Not only has Mike Pence written several drafts of a speech accepting the burden of presidency and mourning the loss of Donald Trump, but he has also already purchased the coffin in which Donald Trump's bloated corpse will be carted through the streets of Washington, D.C. The coffin is being kept in a secret room on the second floor of the White House, an area that Trump never visits because of his intense fear of stairs.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 20, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Steve Bannon now claims that Barron Trump is his son. "Haven't you noticed the similarities in the names?" Bannon said. "Bannon, Barron. There's a reason for that." He responded to skepticism by telling reporters: "Look, anyone with dough can have a go at Melania. It's not like she's burdened with morals, or with any affection for Donald."

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 19, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has decided to replace Steve Bannon with his poisonous snake, Jasper. "Jasper is the only one I really trust," Donald told reporters. "Because every morning he makes a point of telling me how great I am."

Friday, August 18, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 18, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Nazi hunters are coming out of retirement now that they are needed again. This time their task should be easier, as a significant number of Nazis all work in the same prominent white building in Washington, D.C.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 17, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has begun holding press conferences in his mind, silently answering questions he would like reporters to ask, then announcing to the world that he's just had a big press conference. After all, everything is big and great in Donald Trump's mind. "No more questions," he told a stunned reporter when he'd finished daydreaming. "It's time for my nap."

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 16, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump is determined to go to war with North Korea because his poisonous pet snake Jasper told him that all news originates there. "I will meet the fake news with fire and fury, like the failing New York Times has never seen," he told reporters.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 15, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): As Donald Trump slips further into senility, he has become dangerous even to those closest to him, sometimes not able to recognize his allies and owners. "The fucking dog bit me," Steve Bannon said about the president. "I was in the middle of feeding him, and he started snarling and then lunged at me." Steve then added, "We may have to put the fucker down."

Monday, August 14, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 14, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has lent Melania to former KKK leader David Duke for two nights as thanks for the special rally thrown in Trump's honor in Charlottesville on Saturday.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 13, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A Trump rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, turned violent yesterday when those gathered learned that a giant statue of Donald Trump would not be replacing that of Robert E. Lee.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 12, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): According to staff at the Trump National Golf Course, Donald Trump's golf game has actually gotten worse in recent days, even though it's the one activity he spends time on. Of course, this decline in his ability has not been taken well by the thin-skinned lummox. Those close to the president admit that it has angered him to the extent that he's eager to prove his manhood by dropping bombs on somebody, anybody.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 11, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Knowing that he is nearing the end of his life, and that people couldn't bear to exist in a world without him, Donald Trump is planning an all-our nuclear war. It's his way of saying, "You're welcome."

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 10, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Lara Trump's new official propaganda show is the only source of real news in the entire country. A popular print advertisement for her show reads, "If you liked Joseph Goebbels, you'll love Lara Trump."

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 9, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The White House has installed two hundred new phone lines in order to keep up with the incredible number of phone calls Donald Trump receives from the infatuated citizenry of this country who just can't stop contacting him to express their gratitude and fealty. "Everyone praises me," Donald said. "Everyone loves me and thinks I'm the greatest. I have gotten phone calls from every single person on the planet saying that my speeches are the greatest they've ever heard, and to thank me for water and the sun and scented candles and avocados and walls and disco and the color blue."

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 8, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): During a recent television interview, the lights caused Ivanka Trump's plastic face to melt. The reporter conducting the interview and the film crew were horrified to discover that underneath Ivanka's plastic exterior lurks a bruised and frightened member of an alien race. "Please don't reveal my secret," the creature said. "As bad as it is being Donald's lover, it is actually even worse in the coal mines of my home world."

Monday, August 7, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 7, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Stephen Miller, senior advisor to the president and avid Nazi memorabilia collector, is urging that the poem at the base of the Statue of Liberty be removed before more cosmopolitans and hopeful immigrants take it to heart.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 6, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When asked about the hypocrisy of taking a seventeen-day vacation after repeatedly criticizing President Obama for taking vacations, an irritated Donald Trump shouted: "It's not the same thing! I'm white!"

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 5, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): At his most recent self-love rally, Donald Trump claimed victory in the war on "beautiful clean coal," a war which claimed the lives of more than fifteen billion people last year alone. Now that the war is finally over, Time Life Books is putting together a twenty-volume series detailing every important skirmish, with portraits of many of the generals and foot soldiers who lost their lives in heroic coal fights.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 4, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Suddenly realizing that they are responsible for their own actions, Republicans have promised to begin answering all criticism without resorting to attempts to redirect it against Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 3, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When Donald Trump purchased Kellyanne Conway's soul, he believed he was getting a bargain. But soon he discovered that at five dollars, he had grossly overpaid.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 2, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Deidre Scaramucci, in a new interview, reveals the reason behind her divorce from the recently hired and fired communications director, and it has nothing to do with Anthony Scaramucci's temper and abusive nature, as had been previously reported. Rather, it is because he is obsessed with Steve Bannon's cock. "That's all he ever talks about," she told the reporter. "It's all he thinks about. I was pregnant, about to have his baby, and he could not have cared less. The only input I got from him was that he wanted to name the child Steve. I decided to go with James."

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Alternative Fact: August 1, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Nine-year-old Dylan's correspondence with the president was abruptly halted by his parents after Donald Trump asked him if he had a younger sister available.