Tuesday, May 23, 2017

100 Days Of Alternative Facts

Donald Trump began occupying the White House on January 20, 2017. Sean Spicer, in his first statement to the press, lied about how many people attended the inauguration. On January 22nd, lizard woman Kellyanne Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet The Press that Sean Spicer presented "alternative facts." And the lies haven't stopped since. Only a week later, Kellyanne Conway invented the Bowling Green Massacre. And let's not forget the microwave camera. Of course, most of the lies haven't been as humorous as the camera. No truths come from the White House. Donald Trump is a pathological liar, and not a single statement he makes is to be trusted. We have only alternative facts. On February 13th, I began posting daily alternative facts. I'd hoped to post only a few, but somehow Donald Trump is still occupying the White House (when he's not on one of his many vacations, that is). I've posted one hundred alternative facts. When will this horror end? Well, in case you just returned to Earth and missed some of the alternative facts and need to know what's been going on in the country (or what's not been going on in the country), here are the first one hundred, in order.

13: Kellyanne Conway is a human who does not shed her skin or eat her young.
14: Donald Trump did not rape a girl and then send her death threats to convince her to drop the lawsuit.
(Bonus Alternative Fact on February 14: Donald Trump did not rape his first wife, Ivana.)
15: Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler have absolutely nothing in common.
16: Vladimir Putin has absolutely nothing on Donald Trump.
17: Democracy is alive and well in the United States.
18: Donald Trump is competent and sane.
19: Scott Pruitt will do everything he can to help the environment, and will certainly not be swayed by the oil and gas industry that contributed so much money to him over the years.
20: Melania Trump never worked as a prostitute.
21: While taking a romantic drive in Studio City with his daughter and Steve Bannon, Donald Trump accidentally drove his car into a large sinkhole. There were no survivors.
22: Donald Trump has kept his promise about not golfing while acting as president.
23: Kellyanne "Bowling Green Massacre" Conway's next television appearance will be a pay-per-view fight versus Sean "Ginger Spice" Spicer. The winner receives exclusive rights to Donald Trump's brain, and from then on will be the sole official distributor and interpreter of Trump's statements and intentions. The winner also receives an official Trump Tower bathrobe. 
24: Donald Trump denies that his entire deportation program is just a way to legally get rid of Melania before she can divorce him and take half his money and property.
25: Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus are very happy together, and are not - as has been reported - having a lovers' quarrel. Priebus assures everyone, "I love when Stevie touches me in public."
26: Donald Trump is not using the office of the president to promote his daughter's clothing line.
27: The people behind the Bowling Green Massacre have finally been caught. Kellyanne Conway, the leader of the terrorist cell, poisoned herself with her own tail before she could be questioned.
28: During an early lunch, Donald Trump choked on one of Kellyanne Conway's bones and was rushed to the hospital. He did not survive.

1: Donald Trump hasn't placed a phone call to Russia in more than a decade, not even to the special 1-900-SHOWERS number.
2: Kellyanne Conway is a live human being, and not one of Jeff Dunham's rejected puppets controlled by an inept intern at FOX News.
3: Donald Trump did not commit treason.
4: Steve Bannon directed some well-balanced and unbiased documentary films.
5: Melania Trump is a classy lady who never posed nude for photos.
6: Donald Trump is a perfectly reasonable and intelligent man who makes informed decisions based on sound evidence from reliable sources.
7: Kellyanne Conway's skin looks so bad not because she's about to shed it but because the liberal media are deliberately distorting her image to embarrass her.
8: Donald Trump inspires the youth of our nation to always tell the truth, and to take responsibility for their actions.
9: All of Steve Bannon's marriages have been successful. Same goes for all of Donald Trump's marriages.
10: Sean Spicer is on edge until he gets his hormone levels correct, leading up to his gender reassignment surgery. That's right, friends, Sean Spicer is becoming a man.
11: Donald Trump is capable of human emotions just like a real live boy.
12: The Trump businesses are in no way benefiting from Donald holding office.
13: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
14: Microwaves can become cameras, blenders can become hearing aids, and tangerines can become presidents.
15: Trump supporters are able to think for themselves.
16: The new Nazi America is even better than the old Democratic America. Let's keep winning!
17: Grizzlies attacked another school, but Betsy DeVos was able to subdue them with the school's special anti-bear gun.  
18: On the golf course this morning, Donald Trump and his staff were attacked by rabid, angry gophers. There were no survivors. Even the gophers died, succumbing to food poisoning after feasting on Donald Trump's grotesque head.
19: There is no one who respects women more than Donald Trump does.
20: Tourism is on the rise here in the United States. People all over the world are excited to see for themselves just how Donald has made America great again.
21: Betsy DeVos promised to stop commenting on education and all other topics she knows absolutely nothing about. Her closest friends tell reporters that she has essentially taken a vow of silence.
22: Donald Trump continues to hold rallies for important political reasons, not because of his desperate need for adoration.
23: We don't need education, health care or the environment, just so long as Trump Tower is safe. Soon we'll all be living in there.
24: Donald Trump is not a pedophile and is not friends with any pedophiles such as Jeffrey Epstein. And he most certainly did not rape a thirteen-year-old girl at one of Jeffrey Epstein's parties. And Donald was only joking in that video when he referred to a ten-year-old as a potential future date, and again when he told two fourteen-year-old girls that he'd be dating them soon.
25: Donald Trump is sorry for all the trouble he's caused and hereby promises to be a good boy from now on.
26: Donald Trump accepts defeat graciously.
27: Not everyone who voted for Trump is a racist shithead.
28: If a Trump supporter bites you, there is still a slight chance you won't become a Trump supporter yourself. But you have to act quickly! Tear away the infected area before the stupidity can spread to your brain. And remember: only a direct hit to the head will take down a Trump supporter. Otherwise they will keep going to Make America Great Again rallies and typing poorly constructed sentences on social media sites and chanting "USA, USA" and making a nuisance of themselves.
29: Melania Trump is in love with Donald and swears she misses him every moment they are apart. Furthermore, she denies accusations that she is still a prostitute and that Donald is simply her biggest client. "That's absurd," she says. "At this point, he wouldn't be able to afford me anyway."
30: Kellyanne Conway obtains nourishment from a wide variety of sources, not just mice and insects.
31: The people who work in U.S. Immigration And Customs Enforcement are among the most thoughtful, kind and conscientious people in the country, and they take great care of those they have in custody.

1: Privacy is not important. What's important is that advertisers will be able to know everything that even briefly interests us so we can be made aware of all the glorious products available. And it's proper and fitting that our internet providers will be able to profit from selling that information, particularly as we are also already paying them.
2: Bill O'Reilly and FOX News gave thirteen million dollars to those five women out of kindness and a sense of charity, not because Bill is guilty of sexual harassment. Bill O'Reilly has a lot of respect for women. In fact, the only person who respects women more than Bill O'Reilly does is Donald Trump.
3: Trump revealed on Twitter that there is also a "Fake Trump," and it's this Fake Trump that is supposedly involved with Russia. Donald then defended the Fake Trump, saying, "When will Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd and @NBCNews start talking about the Obama SURVEILLANCE SCANDAL and stop with the Fake Trump/Russia story?" To help him relax, Trump has promised to take Fake Trump golfing this weekend.
4: Trump's choice of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education had nothing whatsoever to do with her brother creating a secret channel for communication between Trump and Putin, but was because of Betsy's extensive experience in public education.
5: If there is anything the American public needs to know, Donald Trump will tell us about it on Twitter. No other sources of information are necessary.
6: Ivanka Trump's political experience, acumen and expertise will come in handy in her new position in the White House. Also, she has promised to give all the White House staffers an employee discount on her clothing line.
7: Donald Trump really cares about the Syrian people, and that is why he launched this military attack, not because he desperately wishes to distract the nation from the Russian conspiracy and distance himself from Putin.
8: We are going to have the cleanest coal ever. It's going to be great. It's going to be so clean, you'll hardly even recognize it as coal. Kids will be excited to get it in their stockings at Christmas. They'll have the cleanest stockings. Those stockings are going to be so clean. Please join Donald Trump in supporting the Clean Stockings Act.
9:  Donald Trump is currently in business negotiations to purchase the White House. He plans to rename the property Trump House, but promises to maintain the structure's color. "White is the only color for me," Trump said. "Believe me, I wouldn't even consider another color."
10: Donald Trump revealed today that his medications allow him to commune with animals, and that he's been speaking with a six-foot long poisonous snake named Jasper. "Jasper will be creating policy in the coming months," Donald said. "He's got some great, great ideas."
11: Donald Trump has offered United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz a job in his administration, saying Munoz will be responsible for "re-accommodating" Muslims, Mexicans and transgender people.
12: Donald Trump explained that the runways at the Syrian base were never the target, and that's why none of the 59 missiles hit them. He also confirmed that the chemical weapons stockpiles at the base were not targeted. "I targeted the real source of the trouble," Donald said. "I got it from reliable sources - Breitbart, FOX News and my snake Jasper - that the base's cafeteria was where the real trouble was. They served those awful square pizzas, where the cheese comes off in one rubbery clump. That sort of thing is sad and has to be stopped, no matter where in the world it is found, and no matter how much it costs American taxpayers."
13: Just because someone is a relative to Donald Trump doesn't necessarily mean that person will be given an important job in the administration. However, today Donald promised Barron Trump his pick of ambassadorships if the child can persuade Melania to move to the White House.
14: Donald Trump confirmed today that his military policy is to bomb anything that makes Ivanka sad.
15: Donald Trump is currently working to get permission from Vladimir Putin to release his tax returns, as he promised he would. Because, as you know, Donald Trump keeps all his campaign promises.
16: Ivanka Trump was not given a free ride. She had to earn every dollar bill her daddy left on her dresser.
17: As his attorneys insist, Donald Trump cannot be sued while he is acting as president of the United States, even for things he did before taking office. Since he is above the law, Donald should not feel any constraints when choosing a course of action (or when one is chosen for him by Putin, Bannon, or his poisonous snake Jasper), and so can do whatever he wishes in his noble efforts to make America great again.
18: Today my dream came true. A clown car pulled up onto the White House lawn, and fifteen angry clowns climbed out, a dozen of them carrying a long string of barbed wire, which they began wrapping around Donald and Ivanka, winding it tighter and tighter, the barbs tearing into their twisted flesh. While they did that, one of the other clowns played a lovely dirge on ukulele, while the remaining two clowns performed an elegant interpretive dance, not easy to do in those giant shoes. When the song and dance were finished, the other clowns unwound the barbed wire, and all of them got back into the car, leaving the hideous corpses of Donald and Ivanka in an eternal embrace on the lawn. A witness reports seeing a strangely satisfied smile on Donald's deceased face as the clown car drove off into the Washington, D.C. morning traffic.
19: Sean Spicer assured the nation that Donald Trump's hideous, bloated corpse is still in control of the country. "While it's true that yesterday Donald and Ivanka were killed by a carload of angry clowns, absolutely nothing has changed," Spicer said at a today's press conference. After a moment, he added, "The president may spend a little less time on Twitter."
20: Now that Donald Trump has been dead for a couple of days, Melania is, for the first time, seriously considering moving into the White House.
21: Sean Spicer confirmed that even though Alex Jones has now admitted to being a total fake, Donald Trump's bloated corpse still enjoys being propped up in front of the radio to listen his program.
22: Alien races have finally contacted Earth. It happened late last night after several alien civilizations caught wind of a supposed plan by NASA to send Donald Trump's bloated corpse into space. The message NASA received, signed by multiple alien races, reads, "We don't want that asshole out here."
23: After Bill O'Reilly's dismissal, bloated corpse Donald Trump is under even more pressure to provide a public voice for desperate fans of insane racist rants and sexual harassment. Sean Spicer, in a statement today, assured the nation that hideous bloated corpse Donald Trump was up to the task.
24: Bill O'Reilly now swears that, like Alex Jones, he was merely playing a role, in his case the role of an insane racist journalist who likes to sexually harass women. O'Reilly insists that was just the part he was playing, and that in reality he is not a journalist at all, nor does he have any interest in women whatsoever.
25: Though Donald Trump has been dead for a week, his supporters continue to rally around his hideous, bloated corpse, feeling that he now, perhaps even more than before, is one of them, and swearing they will make sure he remains in office for eight years.
26: One of the angry clowns responsible for the deaths of Donald and Ivanka Trump released a statement which reads, in part, "Donald was giving clowns a bad name, and it was determined by clown consensus that he must be stopped." A spokesperson for clowns said today, "Donald was always more buffoon than clown anyway, and the deaths of Donald and his wife could have been prevented had the nation understood that distinction in November."
27: People in Texas that voted for Donald Trump are enthusiastic about giving up their land for his beloved wall project. And those who will suddenly find themselves on the Mexican side of the wall are especially thrilled with their choice for President.
28: Sean Spicer stated that sealing some Texans on the Mexican side of the wall is simply part of the president's plan to make America great again. For every Texan that is sealed out of the country, America will be that much greater, Spicer explained. For once, it was difficult to argue with his logic.
29: Sean Spicer stated today that it was Fake Trump that was killed by that carload of angry clowns, and not the real Donald Trump. And since it was also Fake Trump that was involved in the conspiracy with Russia, Spicer said that this should put an end to that story as well.
30: Sean Spicer today claimed that the Ivanka that was killed in the embrace with Fake Trump on the White House lawn was actually one of many Ivanka robots that Donald keeps in the White House for sexual gratification, and was not the real Ivanka. "Honestly, I'm not even sure there is a real Ivanka," Spicer added.

1: Kellyanne Conway denied laying a new clutch of eggs over the weekend, explaining that her breeding time is still nearly a month away and that for now she is entirely focused on helping the president chew his food.
2: Donald Trump has promised that within the next hundred days he'll stop publicly congratulating himself on what he perceives to be great accomplishments of his first one hundred days playing president.
3: Donald Trump maintains that calling Senator Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" isn't racist, adding that he calls Hillary Clinton "Maleficent," Sean Spicer "Tinker Bell," Steve Bannon "Dumbo," Kellyanne Conway "Sir Hiss" and Ivanka "Jessica Rabbit."
4: Donald Trump wants to make one small amendment to the Constitution. He simply wishes to include a small, tasteful advertisement for The Mar-a-Lago Club. "Wherever there is empty space on the paper, space that's not being used for Constitution stuff," Donald explained. "I haven't seen it, but Ivanka told me there is plenty of space in the upper right corner near something about 'the wee people.'"
5: School children all over the country were thrilled to learn they would no longer have to memorize any facts whatsoever. Following the president's example, students can now answer any test question with: "I have my own opinions. You can have your own opinions." With Betsy DeVos in charge of the nation's education, teachers will have no choice but to mark those answers as correct. Children celebrated this change by chanting "USA! USA! USA!" and then dropping their text books in front of their schools.
6: After Donald Trump admitted he had difficulty staying awake through the two or three daily meetings he was asked to attend as president, his staff promised not to bother him with any more details of foreign or domestic events and let him sleep. Donald said, "Great, great."
7: Donald Trump tried to hire George Lucas to release a Special Edition of the inauguration celebration in which thousands of spectators would be digitally added to certain scenes. Lucas was initially interested in the project until Trump nixed his idea of adding stormtroopers, imperial officers and a family of Hutts to the background.
8: The ghost of swashbuckler Andrew Jackson was seen by several staff members this weekend stalking the corridors of the White House and repeatedly bragging that he would have stopped the Civil War if only he'd still been alive.
9:  Donald Trump claimed today that Mike Flynn himself is fake news. "There is no Mike Flynn," Donald said during an unscheduled press conference. "That was Obama in disguise. He was here to spy on me, place wiretaps on my phones and in my special pillow fight room that I share with Ivanka. That's why I fired him. I fired Obama." When the stunned press attempted to ask him questions, Donald reminded everyone that he won the election and that fifty billion people had attended his inauguration. He then asked for his mother, before being quietly led from the podium by the White House Easter Bunny.
10: When Donald Trump was told by Ivanka that his many cries of "Fake news" were not enough to put an end to the F.B.I.'s investigation into his criminal activity, he went into a panic. But Ivanka then suggested he simply fire F.B.I. director James Comey. "I can do that?" Donald asked, wiping the tears from his face. "You can do anything," Ivanka assured him. "You are the president." Thrilled that he could once again use his old catch phrase from his television program The Apprentice, Donald immediately called Comey and told him, "You're fired." He then got online and boasted: "As President, I cannot be charged with any crimes. And anyone who tries looking into my many criminal enterprises will be fired and will not be back next season." Donald then went to a commercial break.
11: All government employees are now required to sign an oath of loyalty to Donald Trump, promising to always love him, to tell him he's great every time they see him, and to refrain from investigating him and his activities. Republicans, having sold their souls months ago, were delighted and eager to sign to prove their patriotism and continuing usefulness to the despot.
12: Sean Spicer has ordered several large bushes and a hedge to be placed around the podium in the press briefing room so that he will feel more comfortable when fielding questions from reporters. "I just like to be among bushes," he said to the amused press corps.
13: A White House intern was fired last night after refusing to give Jeff Sessions and Donald Trump a bubble bath in Donald's giant's tub. "It wasn't even the bath that I objected to," she told reporters this morning. "After all, they both needed a good scrubbing. What I just couldn't bring myself to do was follow Donald's request to wear an Ivanka wig and some of her perfume."
14: Hoping to coax Melania back into bed with him (on those nights when Ivanka is otherwise occupied), Donald Trump has given her the state of Hawaii to do with as she will. Melania is reportedly thrilled with her gift, noting that it is located some distance from Washington, D.C. When Donald's consultants pointed this out to him, he told them to see about exchanging the gift for Virginia or possibly Maryland.
15: Donald Trump has agreed to let Felix H. Sater rent Melania for a week for the relatively small sum of $10,000. "Felix is a great friend, and that's why I gave him such a deal," Donald said. "Usually Melania commands a much greater sum for her services."
16: Donald Trump reminded the nation, "No one is above the law." He then added, "Except me, my family, and some of my friends in Russia, obviously."
17: Donald Trump has outlawed all history courses in high schools and colleges throughout the country. Explaining the move, Donald told reporters, "It doesn't matter what I said yesterday, it only matters what I'm saying right now."
18: Donald Trump has officially eliminated the process for impeachment in the United States. "No more impeachment for anyone ever," Donald told the stunned press corps. "Unless I can still impeach Obama or Hillary." He then asked, "Can I?"
19: Soon you won't be reading anything negative about Donald Trump, for he has signed a bill which will make it illegal to say or print anything unflattering about him. "I'm going to put the fake news in jail," Donald said to a small crowd of adoring illiterates. "They have a choice: either print stories about how great I am or go to prison."
20: Reporters have discovered Donald Trump's weakness: he only exists when cameras are recording him. He feeds off the attention. Turn the cameras off, and Donald Trump disappears. Leave the cameras off long enough, and he will wither away and die. The reporters are busy spreading this message, knowing the last holdout will be Donald's accomplice, FOX News.
21: Accomplices of Donald Trump revealed today that Donald has recently become very religious, even going so far as to strike a deal with God, which explains the itinerary for Donald's first trip abroad as president. In exchange for God removing all evidence of Trump's criminal and treasonous activity, Donald promises to not get any more divorces, and will stay with his current wife Ivanka until her death.
22: While Donald Trump now asserts that the trafficking of underage girls is a bad thing, he did not always hold that viewpoint. Investigators have uncovered receipts that indicate that Ivanka is not Donald's biological daughter after all, that Donald actually purchased her from Russian friends when she was the tender age of four. "I got a great deal on her," Donald was recently heard bragging to Steve Bannon. "And I'm not giving her back." Some reporters have speculated that Donald's fear of losing his daughter/girlfriend is the real reason he continually tries to convince the press to stop reporting on the Russia connection. DNA tests that could resolve the question of Ivanka's parentage have yet to be administered or even agreed to.
23: Donald Trump announced that he is drafting an official amendment to the Constitution which would not only eliminate the 22nd Amendment, but would allow presidents to automatically have the job for life. "No more costly elections and no more time wasted voting," Donald said. "Instead of standing in line at the polls, Americans will be deep in the coal mines. And I won't have to spend money or time on another campaign, and instead can focus all my energy on making America great again and on improving my golf game."

I sincerely hope that there will not be another hundred days of this. Donald Trump must be removed from office by whatever means necessary. And his entire regime must go with him.

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