Donald Trump began occupying the White House on January 20, 2017. Sean Spicer, in his first statement to the press, lied about how many people attended the inauguration. On January 22nd, lizard woman Kellyanne Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet The Press that Sean Spicer presented "alternative facts." And the lies haven't stopped since. Only a week later, Kellyanne Conway invented the Bowling Green Massacre. And let's not forget the microwave camera. Of course, most of the lies haven't been as humorous as the camera. No truths come from the White House. Donald Trump is a pathological liar, and not a single statement he makes is to be trusted. We have only alternative facts. On February 13th, I began posting daily alternative facts. I'd hoped to post only a few, but somehow Donald Trump is still occupying the White House (when he's not on one of his many vacations, that is). I've posted one hundred alternative facts. When will this horror end? Well, in case you just returned to Earth and missed some of the alternative facts and need to know what's been going on in the country (or what's not been going on in the country), here are the first one hundred, in order.
Conway is a human who does not shed her skin or eat her young.
Trump did not rape a girl and then send her death threats to convince
her to drop the lawsuit.
(Bonus Alternative Fact on February 14: Donald Trump did not rape his first wife, Ivana.)
15: Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler have absolutely nothing in common.
16: Vladimir Putin has absolutely nothing on Donald Trump.
17: Democracy is alive and well in the United States.
18: Donald Trump is competent and sane.
19: Scott Pruitt
will do everything he can to help the environment, and will certainly
not be swayed by the oil and gas industry that contributed so much money
to him over the years.
20: Melania Trump never worked as a prostitute.
21: While taking a romantic drive in Studio City with his daughter and Steve
Bannon, Donald Trump accidentally drove his car into a large sinkhole.
There were no survivors.
22: Donald Trump has kept his promise about not golfing while acting as president.
23: Kellyanne "Bowling Green Massacre" Conway's next television appearance
will be a pay-per-view fight versus Sean "Ginger Spice" Spicer. The
winner receives exclusive rights to Donald Trump's brain, and from then
on will be the sole official distributor and interpreter of Trump's
statements and intentions. The winner also receives an official Trump
24: Donald Trump denies that his entire deportation program is just a way to
legally get rid of Melania before she can divorce him and take half his
money and property.
25: Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus are very happy together, and are not -
as has been reported - having a lovers' quarrel. Priebus assures everyone, "I
love when Stevie touches me in public."
26: Donald Trump is not using the office of the president to promote his daughter's clothing line.
27: The people behind the Bowling Green Massacre have finally been caught.
Kellyanne Conway, the leader of the terrorist cell, poisoned herself
with her own tail before she could be questioned.
28: During an early lunch, Donald Trump choked on one of Kellyanne
Conway's bones and was rushed to the hospital. He did not survive.
1: Donald Trump hasn't placed a phone call to Russia in more than a decade, not even to the special 1-900-SHOWERS number.
2: Kellyanne Conway is a live human being, and not one of Jeff Dunham's rejected puppets controlled by an inept intern at FOX News.
3: Donald Trump did not commit treason.
4: Steve Bannon directed some well-balanced and unbiased documentary films.
5: Melania Trump is a classy lady who never posed nude for photos.
6: Donald Trump is a perfectly reasonable and intelligent man who makes
informed decisions based on sound evidence from reliable sources.
7: Kellyanne Conway's skin looks so bad not because she's about to shed it
but because the liberal media are deliberately distorting her image to
8: Donald Trump inspires the youth of our nation to always tell the truth, and to take responsibility for their actions.
9: All of Steve Bannon's marriages have been successful. Same goes for all of Donald Trump's marriages.
10: Sean Spicer is on edge until he gets his hormone levels correct,
leading up to his gender reassignment surgery. That's right, friends,
Sean Spicer is becoming a man.
11: Donald Trump is capable of human emotions just like a real live boy.
12: The Trump businesses are in no way benefiting from Donald holding office.
13: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside
the golden door!
14: Microwaves can become cameras, blenders can become hearing aids, and tangerines can become presidents.
15: Trump supporters are able to think for themselves.
16: The new Nazi America is even better than the old Democratic America. Let's keep winning!
17: Grizzlies attacked another school, but Betsy DeVos was able to subdue them with the school's special anti-bear gun.
18: On the golf course this morning, Donald Trump and his staff were attacked by rabid, angry gophers. There
were no survivors. Even the gophers died, succumbing to food poisoning
after feasting on Donald Trump's grotesque head.
19: There is no one who respects women more than Donald Trump does.
20: Tourism is on the rise here in the United States. People all over the
world are excited to see for themselves just how Donald has made America
21: Betsy DeVos promised to stop commenting on education and all other
topics she knows absolutely nothing about. Her closest friends tell
reporters that she has essentially taken a vow of silence.
22: Donald Trump continues to hold rallies for important political reasons, not because of his desperate need for adoration.
23: We don't need education, health care or the environment, just so long as Trump Tower is safe. Soon we'll all be living in there.
24: Donald Trump is not a pedophile and is not friends with any pedophiles
such as Jeffrey Epstein. And he most certainly did not rape a
thirteen-year-old girl at one of Jeffrey Epstein's parties. And Donald
was only joking in that video when he referred to a ten-year-old as a
potential future date, and again when he told two fourteen-year-old
girls that he'd be dating them soon.
25: Donald Trump
is sorry for all the trouble he's caused and hereby promises to be a
good boy from now on.
26: Donald Trump accepts defeat graciously.
27: Not everyone who voted for Trump is a racist shithead.
28: If a Trump supporter bites you, there is still a slight chance you won't
become a Trump supporter yourself. But you have to act quickly! Tear
away the infected area before the stupidity can spread to your brain.
And remember: only a direct hit to the head will take down a Trump
supporter. Otherwise they will keep going to Make America Great Again
rallies and typing poorly constructed sentences on social media sites
and chanting "USA, USA" and making a nuisance of themselves.
29: Melania Trump is in love with Donald and swears she misses him every
moment they are apart. Furthermore, she denies accusations that she is
still a prostitute and that Donald is simply her biggest client. "That's
absurd," she says. "At this point, he wouldn't be able to afford me
30: Kellyanne Conway obtains nourishment from a wide variety of sources, not just mice and insects.
31: The people who work in U.S. Immigration And Customs Enforcement are
among the most thoughtful, kind and conscientious people in the country,
and they take great care of those they have in custody.
1: Privacy is not important. What's important is that advertisers will be
able to know everything that even briefly interests us so we can be made
aware of all the glorious products available. And it's proper and
fitting that our internet providers will be able to profit from selling
that information, particularly as we are also already paying them.
2: Bill O'Reilly and FOX News gave thirteen million dollars to those five
women out of kindness and a sense of charity, not because Bill is guilty
of sexual harassment. Bill O'Reilly has a lot of respect for women. In
fact, the only person who respects women more than Bill O'Reilly does is
3: Trump revealed on Twitter that there is also a "Fake Trump," and it's
this Fake Trump that is supposedly involved with Russia. Donald then
defended the Fake Trump, saying, "When will Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd and
@NBCNews start talking about the Obama SURVEILLANCE SCANDAL and stop
with the Fake Trump/Russia story?" To help him relax, Trump has promised
to take Fake Trump golfing this weekend.
4: Trump's choice of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education had nothing
whatsoever to do with her brother creating a secret channel for
communication between Trump and Putin, but was because of Betsy's
extensive experience in public education.
5: If there is anything the American public needs to know, Donald Trump
will tell us about it on Twitter. No other sources of
information are necessary.
6: Ivanka Trump's political experience, acumen and expertise will come in handy in her
new position in the White House. Also, she has promised to give all the
White House staffers an employee discount on her clothing line.
7: Donald Trump really cares about the Syrian people, and that is why he
launched this military attack, not because he desperately wishes to
distract the nation from the Russian conspiracy and distance himself
8: We are going to have the cleanest coal ever. It's going to be great.
It's going to be so clean, you'll hardly even recognize it as coal. Kids
will be excited to get it in their stockings at Christmas. They'll have
the cleanest stockings. Those stockings are going to be so clean.
Please join Donald Trump in supporting the Clean Stockings Act.
9: Donald Trump is currently in business negotiations to purchase the White
House. He plans to rename the property Trump House, but promises to
maintain the structure's color. "White is the only color for me," Trump
said. "Believe me, I wouldn't even consider another color."
10: Donald Trump revealed today that his medications allow him to commune
with animals, and that he's been speaking with a six-foot long poisonous
snake named Jasper. "Jasper will be creating policy in the coming
months," Donald said. "He's got some great, great ideas."
11: Donald Trump has offered United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz a job in his
administration, saying Munoz will be responsible for "re-accommodating"
Muslims, Mexicans and transgender people.
12: Donald Trump explained that the runways at the Syrian base were never
the target, and that's why none of the 59 missiles hit them. He also
confirmed that the chemical weapons stockpiles at the base were not
targeted. "I targeted the real source of the trouble," Donald said. "I
got it from reliable sources - Breitbart, FOX News and my snake Jasper -
that the base's cafeteria was where the real trouble was. They served
awful square pizzas, where the cheese comes off in one rubbery clump.
That sort of thing is sad and has to be stopped, no matter where in the world it is found, and no matter how much it
costs American taxpayers."
13: Just because someone is a relative to Donald Trump doesn't necessarily
mean that person will be given an important job in the administration.
However, today Donald promised Barron Trump his pick of ambassadorships
if the child can persuade Melania to move to the White House.
14: Donald Trump confirmed today that his military policy is to bomb anything that makes Ivanka sad.
15: Donald Trump is currently working to get permission from Vladimir Putin
to release his tax returns, as he promised he would. Because, as you
know, Donald Trump keeps all his campaign promises.
16: Ivanka Trump was not given a free ride. She had to earn every dollar bill her daddy left on her dresser.
17: As his attorneys insist, Donald Trump cannot be sued while he is acting
as president of the United States, even for things he did before taking
office. Since he is above the law, Donald should not feel any
constraints when choosing a course of action (or when one is chosen for
him by Putin, Bannon, or his poisonous snake Jasper), and so can do
whatever he wishes in his noble efforts to make America great again.
18: Today my dream came true. A clown car pulled up onto the White House
lawn, and fifteen angry clowns climbed out, a dozen of them carrying a
long string of barbed wire, which they began wrapping around Donald and
Ivanka, winding it tighter and tighter, the barbs tearing into their
twisted flesh. While they did that, one of the other clowns played a
lovely dirge on ukulele, while the remaining two clowns performed an
elegant interpretive dance, not easy to do in those giant shoes. When
the song and dance were finished, the other clowns unwound the barbed
wire, and all of them got back into the car, leaving the hideous corpses
of Donald and Ivanka in an eternal embrace on the lawn. A witness
reports seeing a strangely satisfied smile on Donald's deceased face as
the clown car drove off into the Washington, D.C. morning traffic.
19: Sean Spicer assured the nation that Donald Trump's hideous, bloated
corpse is still in control of the country. "While it's true that
yesterday Donald and Ivanka were killed by a carload of angry clowns,
absolutely nothing has changed," Spicer said at a today's press
conference. After a moment, he added, "The president may spend a little
less time on Twitter."
20: Now that Donald Trump has been dead for a couple of days, Melania is,
for the first time, seriously considering moving into the White House.
21: Sean Spicer confirmed that even though Alex Jones has now admitted to
being a total fake, Donald Trump's bloated corpse still enjoys being
propped up in front of the radio to listen his program.
22: Alien races have finally contacted Earth. It happened late last night
after several alien civilizations caught wind of a supposed plan by NASA
to send Donald Trump's bloated corpse into space. The message NASA received, signed by
multiple alien races, reads, "We don't want that asshole out here."
23: After Bill O'Reilly's dismissal, bloated corpse Donald Trump is under
even more pressure to provide a public voice for desperate fans of
insane racist rants and sexual harassment. Sean Spicer, in a statement
today, assured the nation that hideous bloated corpse Donald Trump was
up to the task.
O'Reilly now swears that, like Alex Jones, he was merely playing a role,
in his case the role of an insane racist journalist who likes to
sexually harass women. O'Reilly insists that was just the part he was
playing, and that in reality he is not a journalist at all, nor does he
have any interest in women whatsoever.
Donald Trump has been dead for a week, his supporters continue to rally
around his hideous, bloated corpse, feeling that he now, perhaps even
more than before, is one of them, and swearing they will make sure he
remains in office for eight years.
26: One of the angry clowns responsible for the deaths of Donald and Ivanka
Trump released a statement which reads, in part, "Donald was giving
clowns a bad name, and it was determined by clown consensus that he must
be stopped." A spokesperson for clowns said today, "Donald was always
more buffoon than clown anyway, and the deaths of Donald and his wife
could have been prevented had the nation understood that distinction in
27: People in Texas that voted for Donald Trump are enthusiastic about
giving up their land for his beloved wall project. And those who will
suddenly find themselves on the Mexican side of the wall are especially
thrilled with their choice for President.
28: Sean Spicer stated that sealing some Texans on the Mexican side of the
wall is simply part of the president's plan to make America great again.
For every Texan that is sealed out of the country, America will be that
much greater, Spicer explained. For once, it was difficult to argue
with his logic.
29: Sean Spicer stated today that it was Fake Trump that was killed by that
carload of angry clowns, and not the real Donald Trump. And since it was
also Fake Trump that was involved in the conspiracy with Russia, Spicer
said that this should put an end to that story as well.
30: Sean Spicer today claimed that the Ivanka that was killed in the embrace
with Fake Trump on the White House lawn was actually one of many Ivanka
robots that Donald keeps in the White House for sexual gratification,
and was not the real Ivanka. "Honestly, I'm not even sure there is a
real Ivanka," Spicer added.
1: Kellyanne Conway denied laying a new clutch of eggs over the weekend,
explaining that her breeding time is still nearly a month away and
that for now she is entirely focused on helping the president chew his food.
2: Donald Trump has promised that within the next hundred days he'll stop
publicly congratulating himself on what he perceives to be great
accomplishments of his first one hundred days playing president.
3: Donald Trump
maintains that calling Senator Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" isn't
racist, adding that he calls Hillary Clinton "Maleficent," Sean Spicer
"Tinker Bell," Steve Bannon "Dumbo," Kellyanne Conway "Sir Hiss" and
Ivanka "Jessica Rabbit."
4: Donald Trump wants to make one small amendment to the Constitution. He
simply wishes to include a small, tasteful advertisement for The
Mar-a-Lago Club. "Wherever there is empty space on the paper, space
that's not being used for Constitution stuff," Donald explained. "I
haven't seen it, but Ivanka told me there is plenty of space in the
upper right corner near something about 'the wee people.'"
5: School children all over the country were thrilled to learn they would
no longer have to memorize any facts whatsoever. Following the
president's example, students can now answer any test question with: "I have my own opinions. You can have your own opinions."
With Betsy DeVos in charge of the nation's education, teachers will
have no choice but to mark those answers as correct. Children celebrated
this change by chanting "USA! USA! USA!" and then dropping their text books in front of their schools.
6: After Donald Trump admitted he had difficulty staying awake through the
two or three daily meetings he was asked to attend as president, his
staff promised not to bother him with any more details of foreign or
domestic events and let him sleep. Donald said, "Great, great."
7: Donald Trump tried to hire George Lucas to release a Special Edition of
the inauguration celebration in which thousands of spectators would be
digitally added to certain scenes. Lucas was initially interested in the
project until Trump nixed his idea of adding stormtroopers, imperial
officers and a family of Hutts to the background.
8: The ghost of swashbuckler Andrew Jackson was seen by several staff
members this weekend stalking the corridors of the White House and
repeatedly bragging that he would have stopped the Civil War if only he'd still
9: Donald Trump claimed today that Mike Flynn himself is fake news. "There
is no Mike Flynn," Donald said during an unscheduled press conference.
"That was Obama in disguise. He was here to spy on me, place wiretaps on
my phones and in my special pillow fight room that I share with Ivanka.
That's why I fired him. I fired Obama." When the stunned press
attempted to ask him questions, Donald reminded everyone that he won the
election and that fifty billion people had attended his inauguration.
He then asked for his mother, before being quietly led from the podium
by the White House Easter Bunny.
10: When Donald Trump was told by Ivanka that his many cries of "Fake news"
were not enough to put an end to the F.B.I.'s investigation into his
criminal activity, he went into a panic. But Ivanka then suggested he
simply fire F.B.I. director James Comey. "I can do that?" Donald asked,
wiping the tears from his face. "You can do anything," Ivanka assured
him. "You are the president." Thrilled that he could once again use his
old catch phrase from his television program The Apprentice,
Donald immediately called Comey and told him, "You're fired." He then
got online and boasted: "As President, I cannot be charged with any
crimes. And anyone who tries looking into my many criminal enterprises
will be fired and will not be back next season." Donald then went to a
11: All government employees are now required to sign an oath of loyalty to
Donald Trump, promising to always love him, to tell him he's great every
time they see him, and to refrain from investigating him and his
activities. Republicans, having sold their souls months ago, were
delighted and eager to sign to prove their patriotism and continuing
usefulness to the despot.
12: Sean Spicer has ordered several large bushes and a hedge to be placed
around the podium in the press briefing room so that he will feel more
comfortable when fielding questions from reporters. "I just like to be
among bushes," he said to the amused press corps.
13: A White House intern was fired last night after refusing to give Jeff
Sessions and Donald Trump a bubble bath in Donald's giant's tub. "It
wasn't even the bath that I objected to," she told reporters this
morning. "After all, they both needed a good scrubbing. What I just
couldn't bring myself to do was follow Donald's request to wear an
Ivanka wig and some of her perfume."
14: Hoping to coax Melania back into bed with him (on those nights when
Ivanka is otherwise occupied), Donald Trump has given her the state of
Hawaii to do with as she will. Melania is reportedly thrilled with her
gift, noting that it is located some distance from Washington, D.C. When
Donald's consultants pointed this out to him, he told them to see about
exchanging the gift for Virginia or possibly Maryland.
15: Donald Trump has agreed to let Felix H. Sater rent Melania for a week
for the relatively small sum of $10,000. "Felix is a great friend, and
that's why I gave him such a deal," Donald said. "Usually Melania
commands a much greater sum for her services."
16: Donald Trump reminded the nation, "No one is above the law." He then
added, "Except me, my family, and some of my friends in Russia,
17: Donald Trump has outlawed all history courses in high schools and
colleges throughout the country. Explaining the move, Donald told
reporters, "It doesn't matter what I said yesterday, it only matters
what I'm saying right now."
18: Donald Trump
has officially eliminated the process for impeachment in the United
States. "No more impeachment for anyone ever," Donald told the stunned
press corps. "Unless I can still impeach Obama or Hillary." He then
asked, "Can I?"
19: Soon you won't be reading anything negative about Donald Trump, for he
has signed a bill which will make it illegal to say or print anything
unflattering about him. "I'm going to put the fake news in jail," Donald
said to a small crowd of adoring illiterates. "They have a choice:
either print stories about how great I am or go to prison."
20: Reporters have discovered Donald Trump's weakness: he only exists when
cameras are recording him. He feeds off the attention. Turn the cameras
off, and Donald Trump disappears. Leave the cameras off long enough, and
he will wither away and die. The reporters are busy spreading this
message, knowing the last holdout will be Donald's accomplice, FOX News.
21: Accomplices of Donald Trump revealed today that Donald has recently
become very religious, even going so far as to strike a deal with God,
which explains the itinerary for Donald's first trip abroad as
president. In exchange for God removing all evidence of Trump's criminal
and treasonous activity, Donald promises to not get any more divorces,
and will stay with his current wife Ivanka until her death.
22: While Donald Trump now asserts that the trafficking of underage girls is
a bad thing, he did not always hold that viewpoint. Investigators have
uncovered receipts that indicate that Ivanka is not Donald's biological
daughter after all, that Donald actually purchased her from Russian
friends when she was the tender age of four. "I got a great deal on
her," Donald was recently heard bragging to Steve Bannon. "And I'm not
giving her back." Some reporters have speculated that Donald's fear of
losing his daughter/girlfriend is the real reason he continually tries
to convince the press to stop reporting on the Russia connection. DNA
tests that could resolve the question of Ivanka's parentage have yet to
be administered or even agreed to.
23: Donald Trump announced that he is drafting an official amendment to the
Constitution which would not only eliminate the 22nd Amendment, but
would allow presidents to automatically have the job for life. "No more
costly elections and no more time wasted voting," Donald said. "Instead
of standing in line at the polls, Americans will be deep in the coal
mines. And I won't have to spend money or time on another campaign, and
instead can focus all my energy on making America great again and on
improving my golf game."
I sincerely hope that there will not be another hundred days of this. Donald Trump must be removed from office by whatever means necessary. And his entire regime must go with him.