Monday, August 21, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Not only has Mike Pence written several drafts of a speech accepting the burden of presidency and mourning the loss of Donald Trump, but he has also already purchased the coffin in which Donald Trump's bloated corpse will be carted through the streets of Washington, D.C. The coffin is being kept in a secret room on the second floor of the White House, an area that Trump never visits because of his intense fear of stairs.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Steve Bannon now claims that Barron Trump is his son. "Haven't you noticed the similarities in the names?" Bannon said. "Bannon, Barron. There's a reason for that." He responded to skepticism by telling reporters: "Look, anyone with dough can have a go at Melania. It's not like she's burdened with morals, or with any affection for Donald."
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has decided to replace Steve Bannon with his poisonous snake, Jasper. "Jasper is the only one I really trust," Donald told reporters. "Because every morning he makes a point of telling me how great I am."
Friday, August 18, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Nazi hunters are coming out of retirement now that they are needed again. This time their task should be easier, as a significant number of Nazis all work in the same prominent white building in Washington, D.C.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has begun holding press conferences in his mind, silently answering questions he would like reporters to ask, then announcing to the world that he's just had a big press conference. After all, everything is big and great in Donald Trump's mind. "No more questions," he told a stunned reporter when he'd finished daydreaming. "It's time for my nap."
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump is determined to go to war with North Korea because his poisonous pet snake Jasper told him that all news originates there. "I will meet the fake news with fire and fury, like the failing New York Times has never seen," he told reporters.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): As Donald Trump slips further into senility, he has become dangerous even to those closest to him, sometimes not able to recognize his allies and owners. "The fucking dog bit me," Steve Bannon said about the president. "I was in the middle of feeding him, and he started snarling and then lunged at me." Steve then added, "We may have to put the fucker down."