Sunday, July 23, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump went out of his way to take part in the commissioning ceremony for the USS Gerald R. Ford, a not-quite-subtle way to remind people that soon he too will need to be pardoned. "Gerald Ford was a great man," Donald said at the ceremony. "And today we celebrate the wonderful thing he did for another great president."
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Today's alternative fact(to help you get through the day): Sean Spicer has resigned from his post as White House Press Secretary in order to return to the job he has loved most in his life, that of White House Easter Bunny. "I just love dressing up," Spicer said. "Once a year, I can roll around on the White House lawn in my furry costume, and no one can see my face because of the giant bunny head." When reporters pointed out that the job works only one weekend a year, Sean Spicer returned to another favorite subject. "The rest of the time I can live among the hedges and bushes," he said. "I am working on a new costume made entirely of pine needles, which I plan to unveil at next year's national botany convention."
Friday, July 21, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Melania Trump has given up on her promised anti-bullying campaign, and instead is going to focus her energy and time on something closer to her own experience: helping prostitutes get better footwear. "They are out walking the streets all night, often in last year's fashions," she said. "My goal is to replace those shoes with ones that are both sexy and practical."
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Kellyanne Conway denied charges of cannibalism, insisting that she thrives solely on a diet of Donald Trump's excrement. "I gobble up every last morsel he leaves for me," she told reporters. "And he leaves plenty."
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): After hearing a recent study found that the majority of Republicans think universities are bad for the country, Donald Trump was quick to agree. "If people weren't as educated, I would have even more supporters," he told a reporter.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump was quick to support Department of Education Candice E. Jackson's belief that ninety percent of rapes and sexual assaults are simply the result of having a bit too much to drink followed later by regrets, and aren't crimes at all. "That's exactly what happened with me and that thirteen-year-old girl," Donald said. "We both just had a lot to drink, and then later when I untied her, she had second thoughts. Case closed."
Monday, July 17, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, in a moment of exasperation, stated that even if he and Pence and the rest are impeached, the Democrats will never get their hands on Jasper, Donald's giant poisonous snake. "Jasper is completely capable of running the show himself," Donald said. "I've left him in charge multiple times, whenever I go golfing. And he's the one who tells me which bits of paper to sign, and even how to hold the pen."