Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Still More Fun With Trump Supporters (A Game To Keep Us Sane)

Word has leaked that scientists are hard at work on a new bug spray that will eliminate Republicans. Citizens have reported infestations of these unwanted pests all over the country, and are eager to be free of them. I too am looking forward to a world without Republicans. I'd love for them all to share the scaffold with Donald Trump. But for now we must rely on Fun With Trump Supporters, the game to keep us sane, in which we amuse ourselves by poking a bit of fun at the world's worst and stupidest people. Enjoy!

Cheryl Skipper: "Thank you, Mr. President, for saying what you mean and meaning what you say!!! Thanks for putting ALL Americans 1st! You are a true leader!"
My response: "Cheryl, I agree! Donald Trump means everything he says. I appreciate that he hasn't had any time to play golf. And I also appreciate that he has released his full tax returns. He makes promises, and then he keeps them. Donald Trump never lies at all. Even his statements that contradict his earlier statements aren't lies, because Donald Trump is a magical being who has control over Truth. Truth bends to Donald Trump's magnificent powers. We should all worship Donald Trump and just forget our own truths. What need we for truth when we have Donald Trump? Like you said, he is a true leader."

Jennifer Lafave-heiss: "Thank you Mr. President !! We love you and all that your doing!!!! MAGA!!!"
My response: "It is easy to spot a Trump supporter. Trump supporters love exclamation points. They love them. They can't get enough of them. Yet, they seem to have no access to other punctuation, such as commas. Also, Trump supporters are completely unable to distinguish between 'your' and 'you're.' They do not see a difference."

Debra Imperial Kelter: "It is utterly ridiculous to think they could 'sway' millions. Like we don't have brains of our own ..... That is something Hillary said about the women who voted for President Trump, isn't it? Our husbands 'told' us to vote for him, because we can't think for ourselves."
My response: "Debra, I agree! You don't have brains of your own. It's not your fault that you voted against your own interests. You were under another person's control. Because obviously no woman would vote for a man who screwed his own daughter and bragged about assaulting women. That would be insane." 

Kim Edward White: "What a total embarrassment when an American 'journalist' asks a foreign leader if he has dirt on our President! I’m ashamed for this country for Chris Wallace’s insane questioning. What a disgrace!"
My response: "We all have dirt on Donald Trump. If you know anything about him, anything at all, then you have dirt on him. There is no other kind of information regarding this mendacious, incestuous cretin."

Denis Buckley: "It's absolutely disgraceful Donald Trump is attacked basically every day of the year... All the man want's to do is get along with Russia and all countries and what's wrong with that?? You're an amazing President Mr Trump everyone knows that God Bless you"
My response: "Denis, I agree! All Donald wants to do is be friends with Putin. What's wrong with that? It seems like Putin would want to be friends with him after getting him elected and everything, right? So why won't Putin be his friend and take him fishing and show him some love and affection? What's wrong with Donald needing those things from a man who purposefully attacked our democratic process? And you're right - people should stop attacking Donald every day. Just because he's guilty of treason doesn't mean he's a bad person. He just wants to be loved by a Russian man. Leave him alone, and let him express his love for Putin using the dozen or so words at his command. Donald is a dear, dear man, and we shouldn't judge him because of his desperate need for love."

Charlene Wilson Gooch Day: "I will always be behind President Trump 110%. Our President Trump is a very bright man and is working for the United States Americans only. Keep up the Great Job & #MAGA and yes I will vote President Trump in 2020 'ALWAYS'"
My response: "Goochie, I agree! Donald is a bright man. He even told us so himself. He reminded us that he is a 'very stable genius.' There is no way he would have said that if he were anything other than a very stable genius, right? I've known a few geniuses, and they would call me every few days to remind me how bright they were. Because sometimes I would forget. It's good of Donald to remind us. But, Goochie, why are you behind Donald only 110%? If you're going to use impossible numbers, why not be behind him 182%? Doesn't he deserve that extra fictional 72%? Come on, Goochie! Show Donald some respect."


I posted this on the FOX "News" Facebook page: "Donald Trump's execution for treason will be on network television, right? I just don't think it would be right for people to have to pay to watch it. That's not what America is supposed to be about. Everyone should have an equal opportunity to view Donald Trump's execution for treason. Amen."

I got a lot of comments from Trump supporters. Here are a few of them, and my responses.

Colleen McCormick McCoy: Patricia Broxson Norwood .. Nothing. Michael gets paid by the post. Nothing to see here. TRUMP 2020
My response: "Colleen McCormick McCoy, paid for each comment I make on Facebook? What delicious fantasy land do you live in? What else can I get paid for? How about eating bagels? I love bagels. Can I get paid for collecting my mail? Colleen McMc, what do you get paid for?"  

Nancy Goliver Truax: "TROLL"
My response: "Nancy Goliver Truax, oooh, all capital letters. Nancy must be serious. Are you serious, Nancy? Are you shouting, Nancy? Are you touching yourself, Nancy?"  

Deanita Young: "Well dear I'm sorry to inform you that there is no offense in the federal statutes concerning Collision let alone is there a penalty for it. My suggestion to you is # WalkAway Quick your stupid is showing."
My response: "Deanita Young, did you mean 'collusion'? Wow, Deanita, you called me stupid and yet you wrote 'collision.' And, I notice, your comment has been edited. That means you went back to correct mistakes but didn't actually correct your mistakes. You, Deanita, are the perfect Trump supporter - a total moron."

Kirk Holloway: "Michael Doherty Your wife asked me to send my new book 'How to turn your husband from a liberal wussy into a real man.' Tell her I'm sending it for free."
My response: "Kirk Holloway, you're pretending you wrote a book? That's kind of ballsy. You might want to start with pretending you've read a book. Or - and this might be asking too much - you could actually read a book. Try it. Or get a kind liberal to read one to you."

Gina Cabailo: "Michael Doherty you delusioning! Keep it up for another two More years, and he will win on2020 you will keep delusioning for another four years!"
My response: "Gina Cabailo, 'keep delusioning'? Trump supporters can't even put a coherent sentence together. Wow. Wow, Gina. I've also noticed that Trump supporters are too stupid to even recognize their own stupidity. So, yeah, we can all 'keep delusioning.'"   

Tina Currie: "Michael Doherty um no, but of you little brown shirts it would be entertaining! Dumber than a box of rocks, you have to have a crime for treason, or are you just that stupid! You best execute Bush and obama they meet with Putin also! Laughing you really are just that stupid!"
My response: "Tina Currie, if you are going to attempt to insult someone's intelligence, do your best to not have several grammatical errors in that very comment. Go back to school, learn a thing or two, and then you may return and speak with the adults. For now, you should just be embarrassed. Go sit in the corner."  

Darlene Brown: "Michael Doherty If you weren't such an idiot......oh well forget it...VOTE RED.....even if you don't sound old enough to vote"
My response: "Darlene Brown, let me get this straight. You had an idea, but then lost it, and yet still decided to comment. You basically commented that you forgot what you were going to say. Thank you for that, Darlene. What a pocket of brilliance. No waste of skin and bone, you. Not at all. In fact, Darlene, I am going to quote you. That's right. I'm going to quote your brilliant statement and give you credit, of course. And then I'll post a link here later so that you can read your incredible thought on another site. Thanks, Darlene."

(And, yes, I posted a link to this blog entry on that thread.)   


The FOX "News" Facebook page had some other nonsense about Donald Trump after Donald sucked Putin's cock. I commented: "Wow. Well, I hope it's not long now before we gather together as a country to watch this horrid little cretin executed for treason."
Matthew Salamino's response: "who you kidding moron, he's got 6.5 more years and he's doing great! To bad Obamas couldn't accomplish this much good!"
My response: "Matthew Salamino, too bad you Trump morons don't know the difference between 'to' and 'too.' Go back to school, learn a few things, then you may return and speak with the adults."
My second response: " Matthew Salamino, also you are missing the word 'are' and a comma. What you should have typed is: 'Who are you kidding, moron? He's got six and a half more years, and he's doing a great job so far. Too bad Obama couldn't accomplish this much good.' That's what you would have typed if you were intelligent. But you are not. You are Matthew Salamino, Moron Extraordinaire."
(Trump supporters, for whatever reason, at times believe they are intelligent creatures. But their poor spelling and grammar always betray them.) 


The FOX "News" Facebook page quoted Donald Trump as saying, "I'm not pro-Russia."
My comment: "He doesn't have to be pro-Russia. He is owned by Russia. That would be like if my desk said it wasn't pro-Michael."


Donald Trump quoted Lara Trump on his own Facebook page, and I couldn't refrain from responding. My response: "Ha! Lara Trump wrote that. Scientists have studied her, because she is just a mouth and an asshole, with absolutely no substance in between. A strange physical anomaly that turns out to be a perfect fit for the Trump administration and family. No heart, no brain. Just a giant mouth and an asshole. And a new study seems to indicate that she could continue to function with just one of those two things."

That's all for now. But feel free to leave comments regarding your own Fun With Trump Supporters game. We will all get through this together.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

More Fun With Trump Supporters (A Game To Help Us Remain Sane)

I am trying to keep my sense of humor in dealing with the assholes and imbeciles who support Donald Trump. It's difficult at times, of course. And sometimes it is depressing. But some days it seems to be working. And it is more satisfying to poke fun at these cretins than to just tell them to go fuck themselves (even though they should all just go fuck themselves).

Laura Joann: "I just wanted to share this incredible news with all of you. There is a new movement that is exploding right now called #WalkAway. Democrats are leaving the Democratic Party in droves and we the people are banding together to take back our country. Many of us on the right are choosing to walk with these incredible people. I encourage you to go to the walk away campaign or the unsilent minority pages on Facebook and you like me will read story after story of people who have finally seen through the media's lies. I don't think I have ever been so excited for America in my life. We the people are what makes America so wonderful. And we are coming together and it is beautiful. #WalkAway #whatbluewave #Trump2020Landslide"
My comment: "Laura Joann, that is exciting! There is another movement among Republicans that is gaining momentum. It is called Water Breathers, and what these people are doing is diving under the water (in oceans, lakes, and so on) and then inhaling deeply. I encourage all Republicans and independent Trump supporters to join this growing movement today."

Sheya Landa: "President trump keep up the amazing work the lowlife liberals are going crazy they can’t handle seeing the amazing job ur doing. Crooked Hillary and Crazy chuck start accepting the fact that ur party is losing and we the republicans are winning and are going to crush u guys when the midterms elections take place!! MAGA!!!"
My comment: "Hurrah for Donald Trump! Everyone loves him. The KKK, the rapists, the gun-lovers, the inbred imbeciles, the criminally insane all agree that he is the best president ever! How could they all be wrong? Impossible! Keep up the great work, Donald."

Victor Brown: "President Trump is WINNING AGAIN. AMERICANS WIN!!! Go TRUMP!!"
My comment: "Victor Brown, well said! In fact, I don't believe anything I read unless it is in all capital letters. That's the only way we can know that someone is being sincere. Right? Trump is making America great again for the KKK, and for rapists, and for gun-loving, inbred fascists. Keep winning!"
(Note: There were also six United States flags in Victor's post. Wow.)

Stacy Belaire: "Cynthia Gilliland well when your party is pro-murder for babies....ya...there will never be common ground..conservatives are anti- baby murdering..no common ground will be found"
My comment: "Stacy Belaire, you are right! Babies should never be allowed to get away with murder. Why do those baby-lovers on the far left think that babies should be able to do whatever they want? That's un-American. We should kill all the babies now before they can arm themselves and attack us en masse. Who will be safe from these murdering babies?"

Jack Marino: "Liberals democrats freaks are going to lose this fight. The SCOTUS isn’t a private legislative body for you damn socialist that can’t get shit passed in congress. The court is their to interpret law as the constitution states. Trump will have put in four constitutionalist on the bench that will be the end of this leftist dictatorship"
My comment: "Quit eating your own feces, Jack. It's really messing with your brain."
Jack Marino: " I learned it from many years as a demoRAT commie but I escaped the commie paradise freak show. You should get out while you can or are you still eating your own feces still"
My response: "Jack, seriously, you can hardly put a sentence together. You need help. Your syphilis seems to be in the final stage."
Jack Marino: "Another leftist grammar nazi"
My response: "Friends, it is probably time to say goodbye to Jack Marino. He's not long for this world. Remember him the way he was, before the disease meddled with his brain, before his conscience started to rot. Goodbye, Jack Marino."     

And here is something showing once again how bloody stupid Trump supporters are...

On Twitter, FOX News posted this: "Tony Perkins: 'This president has kept his political promises, more so than any president that I've seen in my lifetime.'"
So I replied, "Where are his fucking tax returns, you lying shits?"
Someone calling himself Dormdude @Dormdudez replied to my comment: "They got releases a long time ago and he paid a lot more than he was suppose to. Stop watching cnn. This is old fake new. Get your shit together."
My first reply: "If that is the case - and I seriously doubt it - send me the link to his returns."
My second reply: "I am waiting for that link. Also, I assume you meant to type 'released' and not 'releases.'"
My third reply: "Also, you typed 'old fake new,' which is kind of funny. But I assume you meant to type 'news.'"
My fourth reply: "Perhaps it is you who needs to get his shit together, eh?"
My fifth reply: "While waiting for you to reply, Dormdude, I looked it up. And no, he did not release his tax returns. You are misinformed, or just lying. Get your shit together, moron."

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Donald Trump And The Great Guardian Of The Gold

     Many years ago, Fred Trump sank three containers filled with gold bars into the swamp of Washington, D.C., with the aim of retrieving them when they were needed, and when the heat died down a bit. But that time never came, and on his deathbed he told his son Donald about the gold. “This gold will make you a billionaire,” he told him.
     “I’m a billionaire!” Donald exclaimed.
     “Not until you retrieve the containers,” Fred cautioned.
     But Donald was no longer listening. “Think of all the businesses I can start and let fail,” he mused. He left the hospital room and did not hear his father’s dying words. Those words were the exact location of the gold.
     As the years went by, Donald Trump had many successes, and even more failures, but he never forgot about the gold. At least once a year, he ventured to the nation’s capital with the aim of finding it, but all his efforts met with failure. “I’m just going to have to drain the damn swamp,” he said one day, exasperated. Those around him suddenly cheered. They loved the idea. The people wanted him to find the gold. The people loved him, and wanted him to be rich. And so he vowed to become rich for the people. To do that, he would need to become the president of the United States, he surmised. Then he’d have the authority to drain the swamp and retrieve his gold.
     Donald was upset to find that the job of president was already taken. And by a black man! His father would never have approved of that. So, for daddy, Donald also vowed that he would take the job from that man and would reverse every single policy that he had put into place. And that is exactly what Donald did. But that kept him busy, and he found he had no time to drain the swamp. Not that he wasn’t enjoying himself. Donald was having a grand time. He especially enjoyed the rallies, where supporters repeatedly urged him to retrieve his gold, though they treated him as if he had already done so. Donald appreciated that, but was still determined to get his hands on those coffers. He needed to make sure no one else got to them. He had to drain the swamp.
     He decided to involve a couple of his closest friends in this important endeavor, and chose trusted imp Rudy Giuliani and professional airbag Sean Hannity. Both had assisted him in previous adventures. Sean had enough money that Donald believed he would not attempt to make off with the gold himself, and Rudy had no need for material possessions, existing mainly on an alternate plane of existence. Yes, they were just the two to assist him on this mission.
     Months earlier, Donald had appointed Eric Trump to guard the swamp, to make sure no one else attempted to go diving for the gold. When he, Rudy and Sean arrived, Eric was seated on the same log at the edge of the swamp where Donald had left him. He had a box of cheap Halloween costumes next to him, which he used to scare off any intruders. Eric’s favorite disguise was also the simplest – a white hooded garment which he draped over his body in imitation of a ghost. It was this outfit that he wore when the group came upon him that morning. Eric made a valiant attempt to frighten Rudy, not realizing that Rudy was a demonic creature himself and so on somewhat friendly terms with ghosts and other denizens of the dark.
     “Boo!” Eric shouted when he spotted Rudy.
     “Boo yourself,” Rudy replied, and assumed one of the twisted forms he liked to adopt in these situations. Eric immediately wet himself, then saw Donald approaching behind Rudy. He ran to Donald and dropped to the ground at his feet, hugging his legs. “It was horrible,” he whined in terror to Donald. Donald rightly ignored him and focused his attention on Nancy Pelosi, who was running up behind Sean.
     “Hannity, look out,” Donald shouted to him.
     Sean suddenly dropped to the ground, causing Nancy to trip over his ample form.
     “Good work, Sean,” Donald said. Sean beamed at him, basking in his idol’s praise. Donald turned his attention to Nancy. “Now I’ve got you, Nancy,” he told her.
     “Donald, you can’t drain the swamp,” Nancy said as she stood up and brushed the dirt from her suit.
     “How did you find out? Who told you about this?”
     “Rudy did. He was on network television this morning and couldn’t stop talking about it.”
     Donald shot an angry look at his imp, who cowered briefly, hating to displease his master. He then turned back to Nancy. “Nancy, go away. The menfolk have work to do.”
     “Donald, you can’t drain the swamp. Doing so will free Uertha, a creature we imprisoned there more than three decades ago. If you free her, she will destroy humanity.”
     “Why is that any of my concern?” Donald asked.
     “Donald, the gold isn’t worth it.”
     “How did you know about – ” Donald turned angrily to Rudy, who quickly disappeared, retreating to its native dimension. Donald was livid. How dare anyone tell him that gold isn’t worth something? His gold! Donald Trump may be new to politics, but he was certainly not new to money and its worth.
     Uertha was a dangerous being that emerged into our reality during Ronald Reagan’s 1980 presidential campaign. It created havoc among the population, without many even being aware of it, so strong were its powers of mind control. People who had never voted for a Republican candidate before suddenly found themselves marking their ballots for Reagan. But before Uertha could do more extensive and irreparable damage, a team of daring politicians banded together to imprison the malicious, mischievous creature in the one place no one cared to visit – the swamp of Washington, D.C. It was a fierce battle, but the politicians were ultimately victorious. However, part of the reason Uertha remained in the swamp to this day was the three coffers of gold she discovered near the place where she dwelt far beneath the surface of the swamp. She understood the value of gold perhaps even better than did Donald. She and the gold had been together for so long now that she thought of it as her own. So did those who imprisoned her there. Uertha guarded over her treasure with a quick and angry hand. Several early seekers of the gold met their deaths there, and the politicians worked diligently to expunge any word of the treasure from the consciousness of the citizenry in order to prevent more deaths.
     Donald knew none of this. Even after Nancy explained it to him. “I am here to drain the swamp,” he said. “And that’s that.”
     “There is another option, Master,” Rudy piped in, suddenly reappearing at Donald’s side.
     Donald, after a moment, gave Rudy his attention. “You have an idea, Rudy?”
     “Yes, Master, I do.”
     Rudy, being more at home in dark realms than on the earth’s surface, was capable of surviving in the murky waters of the swamp. He had no need of air. He considered this one of his strengths in his occasional position as a lawyer. He could, he believed, though he’d never actually attempted it, impart this ability onto another for a brief period. Share his lifeless breath with a human. And so, together, he and Donald could venture into the swamp, defeat Uertha and retrieve Donald’s treasure.
     There was danger, but Donald, being a fearless warrior, approved the plan immediately. The possibility of meeting his death in the depths of the stagnant water left him undaunted. After all, even though he never actually served in the military, he felt like he had, and he knew more about fighting than all the generals combined. Besides, no woman had defeated him yet, and Donald did not expect that to change. Sean was to remain as look-out at the edge of the swamp, keeping an eye on Nancy so she wouldn’t escape and alert others of the plan.
     “What about me?” Eric asked, suddenly realizing that his position was being assumed by Hannity.
     “You help scare off any intruders,” Donald told him.
     “Yes, Sir!”
     “All right, I’m ready,” Donald said, after he and Rudy had waded out into the muck.
     Rudy smiled at him, then put his lips against Donald’s lips, locking their mouths together as they dipped below the surface of the swamp. Sean stood at the edge, watching nervously, jealously. If only he were a demi-human, then it would be his lips locked to Donald’s. Sometimes life was terribly cruel.
     The swamp was large, and they moved slowly through the slime. It would have taken Donald a long time to find Uertha on his own, time he’d prefer to spend with his girlfriend Ivanka. But Rudy was able to sense the presence of other subhuman entities, and used this power to guide Donald to her. As they moved through the mire, Donald became disgusted with the living conditions down there. How could anyone exist in this? Donald began to think that Nancy had told him a tall tale. Donald knew a thing or two about tall tales. His father, Fred, had taught him that people will love you if you tell them what they want to hear, regardless of a statement’s truth. He also heard somewhere that knowledge is power. And so he withheld the truth from others. If they became powerful, he reasoned, they would be a threat to him.
     “Son, there are only two things that matter in life,” Fred told Donald when Donald was five years old. “Money and power.”
     Daddy was a wise man, Donald realized. In his teen years, Donald challenged Fred, saying he had come up with a third item to add to that short list. “Girls.”
     “Nonsense,” Fred retorted. “They fall under the first category. If you have enough money, you can buy whatever girls you want.”
     Donald never questioned his father again.
     Melania had been a good purchase, and had given him many hours of pleasure, but she was getting older and more stubborn. I might have to make a new purchase soon, Donald thought. In fact, that is what he was thinking about when he suddenly spotted Uertha. She was in a clearing in the muck, suspended in surprisingly pristine waters. And she was beautiful. And young. Donald guessed her to be twelve or thirteen, fourteen tops.
    “Wow,” he said, excited and no longer worried about his safety.
     Rudy became alarmed at the change in his master’s disposition. At first, he was unsure of the reason, then saw Donald staring at Uertha.
     “She’s beautiful,” Donald said.
     Rudy looked again at Uertha, seeing a hideous creature, someone he himself could go for, particularly as they were related by blood, but someone far from what his master was used to. Then it occurred to Rudy what Uertha was doing.
     “Don’t be fooled by her appearance, Donald. This creature is ageless.”
     “So she’s legal?” Donald asked.
     “Who dares disturb my lair?” Uertha demanded. “Whoever you may be, prepare to meet your doom.”
     Meanwhile, at the edge of the swamp a crowd was gathering. Very few of them had been frightened away by Eric’s costume, and Sean was too busy keeping an eye on Nancy to deal with this sudden throng. He did notice that none of them seemed prepared or eager to rescue Nancy. And then it hit him – these were his people. They were supporters of Donald who had come to cheer him on.
     Donald’s guard was down, and Rudy became desperate in his efforts to convince Donald that Uertha was his enemy. But Donald refused to see it.
     “I have towers and golf courses named after me,” Donald told the creature, in line with his practiced method of wooing. “And I’m going to build more once I retrieve my gold.”
     At the mention of the gold, Uertha tensed up. She knew she’d have to dispatch this intruder now, before he and his pet imp got any closer to her treasure. Rather than physically fight an opponent, Uertha’s preferred method of attack was to cause him to harm himself, to plant suicidal thoughts in his mind and let him do her work himself. She could tell immediately that her opponent was a dolt, and figured he would be easily swayed by her power. After all, she’d already demonstrated her dominance over him by almost effortlessly convincing him that her appearance was other than it truly was. And once he was dead, his imp would return to its own dimension and no longer pose a threat to her.
     But as she began to work on his will, Donald continued to talk about building more golf courses. “I love golf,” he told her. “I golf almost every day at the courses I own, and I make the tax payers pay for it.” What was wrong? Had she underestimated him? She planted dark thoughts in his brain, one after another, but his narcissism was too strong to fall for them. Uertha searched through Donald’s mind for some weakness in his ego, a weakness she could exploit, but found none. She’d had no trouble convincing him she was a beautiful young girl, because that’s precisely what Donald wanted to see anyway. But there was nothing in him that would ever want to cause himself harm. Uertha would have to attack him another way. Yet she suddenly doubted her own physical prowess. It had been decades since she’d had to fight with her claws. And she realized that the large man had been advancing upon her the entire time he’d been bragging about his golf courses. Soon he would be within arm’s reach of both her and the gold.
     His imp, meanwhile, continued to try to pull Donald away from her rather than attack. And so it was to him that she spoke. “Perhaps we could reach a bargain,” she told Rudy.
     Rudy stopped, shocked. He had never heard one of his relatives speak of bargains before. Not that he could recall, anyway. He thought it might possibly be a trap, but he was also concerned that Donald might soon and suddenly find himself unable to breathe down there, and they needed to conclude their business quickly. Cautiously he asked what Uertha proposed.
     “You may take one of the coffers up to the surface and use the gold to purchase more golf courses,” she said. “But the other two must remain here with me. And you must name at least one of the golf courses after me.” Uertha too had an ego, and would be content knowing that she retained the larger portion of the gold.
     It was Donald who first responded. “No, sweet thing, I need all the gold,” he said. But Rudy, seizing the opportunity to act as Donald’s lawyer, interrupted, and asked Uertha for a moment to speak alone with his client. Rudy then urged Donald to accept Uertha’s offer, reminding him that even with just one of the coffers he would have enough money to be a billionaire, and that no one else need know there were any other coffers down there.
     Sean Hannity was getting nervous. Though the crowd around him was jubilant, he feared that Donald had been in the murky depths far too long. He also knew that Rudy could become a bit unhinged in times of stress, and wished he were down there to protect Donald himself. He would never let anything happen to that darling man. Just as he made the decision to abandon his post guarding Nancy and began to unbutton his shirt, Donald triumphantly broke the water’s surface, holding a coffer up high over his head. The crowd broke out in wild applause.
     “I have vanquished the creature and returned with the treasure,” he exclaimed as he emerged from the swamp. His supporters nearly swooned at this proclamation, and at their proximity to their hero. Only Nancy eyed the swamp suspiciously, but she remained silent.
     Sean was the first to reach Donald, throwing his arms around him in joy. “I am so relieved that you are all right,” he told him. Eric, still in his ghost costume, also hugged Donald. Donald, pushing Eric away, turned to Rudy and Sean and said quietly, “We’ll go back down there for the rest of the gold soon, once the excitement dies down.” Donald then turned to the crowd of supporters and led them in a “Donald Trump is great” cheer.

And be sure to enjoy the other installments of The Adventures Of Donald Trump:
1. Donald Trump And The Great Easter Egg Hunt
2. Donald Trump And The Great Witch Hunt
3. Donald Trump And The Search For The Great Golden Fountains

Friday, June 1, 2018

My Troubles With AT&T: Update June 1, 2018

I thought my troubles with AT&T were over. I really did. And in large part, they are. The major problems were resolved on May 24, 2018, thanks to John and Peggy. But then last night when I got home from work I noticed an email from AT&T, letting me know how much my next bill will be. And guess what? The amount is wrong. Shocking, right? This time it’s only off by approximately ten dollars. Not much, I admit. But my cynical brain said they’re trying to screw me slowly. Basically, after months of dealing with a large discrepancy, they think I’ll let this small one slide. And if it were for only one month, I might very well have done just that. But if that keeps up, over the course of a year, then we’re talking about a more significant amount of money. Now, again, this was just my thought process. I’m not saying that is the company's actual intention. I do not really think there is any sort of plot like that. But the amount needed to be addressed, regardless of intentions.

June 1, 2018
  • At 1:29 p.m., I once again placed a call to my friends at AT&T. Let me mention once again that I despise these automated phone systems. AT&T is particularly irksome, with the fake sound of someone typing, as if the recording is trying to look up information.
  • At 1:33 p.m., Joy (ID# AB49P) answered. I explained that my bill was wrong. After a few moments, she told me that the actual amount I owe is $66 ($8 less than I’d expected it to be, and $18 less than what my email indicated). I repeated the amount three times to her, to make sure it was correct. It seemed strange – first because it was lower than I’d expected, without my having to argue at all; second, because it was even amount. Bills almost never are (though there is a 1% chance that each one will be). And she assured me three times that the amount is correct. I owe AT&T $66 for the next billing cycle. 
  • As far as I was concerned, the call was then over, but Joy started asking me what my favorite movies were. I recommended “Harold And Maude” and “The Last Picture Show.” When I told her the years of the films, she said, “I wasn’t even born then.” Odd response. Anyway, she then tried to sell me some television package, but I told her I was not interested, that I don’t watch TV. Then she tried to sell me a movie streaming service. I explained that I wasn’t interested in that either, that I don’t watch movies on the computer or phone. And I started to get annoyed, feeling that she was wasting my time. I was polite, but said again I wasn’t interested, and told her to have a great day. And I meant it.
  • The call ended at approximately 1:45 p.m.

Thursday, May 24, 2018

My Troubles With AT&T: Update May 24, 2018

After three different AT&T employees, on two different days, assured me that my service would not be interrupted until May 31st or June 1st, while the problem of the bill was being solved, today I woke to find my service had been shut off. But after a couple of calls, involving a total of seven AT&T people, it seems that the problem may be at an end. As you'll recall, I had been promised that two bills would be reduced to $0 because of the poor service. But Patrick, the man who made the promise (on March 12th), failed to follow through, and also failed to document the call. So I've been fighting for what I was promised ever since.

Here is the latest (and I hope final) installment in "My Troubles With AT&T":

May 21, 2018 (continued)
  • At 4:53 p.m., I got the mail, including a notice that my service will be shut off on the 23rd. The last I was told was that nothing would happen until May 31st. Can no one get anything right?
  • At 4:54 p.m., I once again called AT&T and was put on hold.
  • At 5:03 p.m., Scarlet (badge number VHRKVD6) answered and said she couldn’t hold the account any longer. She said the dispute was settled on the 15th, a lie. Then she asked me to watch my language, because I was like “Fuck me sideways.” I apologized for my tone, but seriously fuck me sideways.
  • At 5:13 p.m., she told me she couldn’t do anything, and transferred me to customer service and told me to request an escalation. Well, that’s what happened last time. I was put on hold again.
  • At 5:14 p.m., Alexander (badge number XL242D) answered. He told me I’m all set, that my services will not be shut off until June 1st, but that I should be hearing from them before then with the resolution to my problem regarding the bill.
  • At 5:27 p.m., the call ended.
May 22, 2018
  • At 4:29 a.m., when I turned on my computer, my server wasn’t connected. It only took a moment to connect, but this is how the trouble has started in the past.
May 23, 2018
  • At 6:56 a.m., AT&T responded to a comment I had left on the company’s Twitter page. This was the response: “Hello Michael! We are here for you. If you don't mind could you please shoot us a DM with more details regarding your service concern along with your account number for further assistance. We are eagerly standing by. Thanks! ^RazR”
  • At 9:39 a.m., when I saw this response, I in turn responded: “I don't believe you. I've gotten that same message from AT&T multiple times. Then I explain the problem. And then, nothing. Just nothing. My messages get ignored and so on. I need to talk to someone in charge.”
  • At 9:45 a.m., AT&T again responded: “We would love the opportunity to change your opinion about us! May you please send us a DM with more details of the issue and provide us with your account information as well? Let's get this going for you! ^JalG” (Once again, notice that it is a different name each time – RazR and JalG.)
  • At 9:47 a.m., I responded: “I sent ATTCares a message via Twitter two days ago, actually, with a link to my blog detailing the latest in this ongoing problem. Did you not read that message?”
  • I then sent them the link to my latest update on the blog again. No response.
  • At 11:10 a.m., I got another automated call from AT&T asking me to call the company’s 1-800 number to discuss my bill. Bloody hell, that’s all I have been doing. I’ve called that number so many times in the past few months. Now I demand that an actual person from that company call me.
May 24, 2018
  • When I woke up, I discovered that my phone and internet service had been shut off. Yup. Even though both Kelly and Cheryl promised (on May 1st) that my service wouldn’t be interrupted until May 31st, and Alexander (badge number XL242D) promised me (just three days ago) that my services would not be interrupted until June 1st (and that the problem would certainly be solved before then), my services were shut off. Incredible.
  • At 10:19 a.m., I called AT&T using my cell phone, and of course was put on hold before reaching a real person.
  • At 10:20 a.m., Marie (badge number KS338R) answered. I asked to speak with the head of customer service and explained only that my services were shut off after I was promised that nothing would happen until June 1st. I didn’t get into the specifics of the whole problem, though I did give her Alexander’s badge number. She said she would speak with her supervisor, and put me on hold.
  • At 10:28 a.m., she got back on to tell me that the head of customer service would be calling me back on my cell phone. I asked if it was possible to get this person on the phone now, as no one has ever called me back during this entire thing. Marie was surprised by that, and was so sweet, and said she’d try to get him on the line now for me.
  • At 10:30 a.m., she got back on the line to tell me that she tried to reach him, but he was on another call. She promised me he would call me back in ten to twenty minutes. I told her I would try to remain optimistic.
  • At 10:50 a.m., he had not yet called, making me wonder if he really would.
  • At 11:06 a.m., my optimism began waning. Why can no one at AT&T help me? I tried to remain calm, but I didn’t want to spend yet another day dealing with this problem. I had stuff to do. Of course, most of those things required that I be online.
  • At 11:15 a.m., I was getting depressed. Ten to twenty minutes had now stretched to forty-five. At what point do I call again, and start over? And is there even a point to any of this? I was beginning to doubt that anyone at AT&T was even willing to help me, never mind capable.
  • More than an hour passed since Marie promised I would be hearing from the supervisor within twenty minutes. Did he get the message? Did his phone call run long? Is he at lunch? Have I been forgotten once again? I wish Marie would call me back to let me know. That would have been nice.
  • At 11:43 a.m., I was almost certain that no one would be calling me.
  • At 11:44 a.m., I called again. Depressed and angry.
  • At 11:46 a.m., Jake (employee number JP250M) answered. I told him I needed to speak to the head of customer service. He put me on hold to find out who was available.
  • At 11:50 a.m., Ron (employee number RC100R)  answered. I briefly told him the story. He said he needed a couple of minutes to read over the report. He then told me he couldn’t make the adjustments that were promised. I told him my bill would have to be $0 for me to stay with AT&T. He saw in the record that my services should not be interrupted until May 31st. (I guess Alexander didn’t follow through on his promise to adjust that to June 1 to accommodate my work schedule.)
  • At 12:03 p.m., he put me on hold to check something, not sure what exactly.
  • At 12:05 p.m., he got back on to tell me he was reaching out to someone from collections, and put me on hold again. This time, with music.
  • At 12:06 p.m., I heard a ringing. And an automated voice told me my approximate wait time was seven minutes, and more music played. So I guess he transferred me to someone. Would I have to tell the story once again? And did this mean Ron wouldn’t help me any further?
  • At 12:15 p.m., Mike in accounts receivable (employee number MD1415) answered. I briefly told him the delightful story. He pulled up the account and read some of the notations.
  • At 12:22 p.m., he told me he saw the note about the guy calling me back within 10 to 20 minutes, and said he was going to try to get that guy on the line for me, because he was the one who could help.
  • At 12:24 p.m., I heard ringing again, and was placed on hold. I’d been transferred again. John (employee number JO608H) answered. I told him the story. He said the only person today who put any note in my record today is Jake.
  • At 12:37 p.m., he told me he’d restore my services, and that nothing would happen until the end of the month. I’d heard that before, but was still hopeful. I told John that basically there are many people at AT&T who are not doing their jobs. I mean, this would never have been an issue at all if Patrick had simply done what he promised, or at least noted the promise in my record. He did neither. And of all the people I’ve spoken with today, only one made a note in my record. So who knows how much of the actual story is in even in the record for John to read? My guess is that 20% of it is in there, and that’s an optimistic and kind estimate.
  • John put me on hold, while he was restoring my service. And I realized this second call (which I placed at 11:44 a.m.) was now nearly an hour long.
  • At 12:44 p.m., we hit the one-hour mark in the call, and I was still on hold.
  • At 12:45 p.m., I got a call on my home phone. So is my service working? Or maybe I still can’t call out? I figured it was AT&T testing the line, and I answered, but the woman on the other end asked me if I speak Spanish. “Yes,” I said. “Is this AT&T?” The woman replied, “No.” So I told her I needed to go.
  • Though still on hold, at 12:47 p.m., I placed a call using my home phone. And it worked. So, hurrah, John followed through.
  • At 12:49 p.m., he got back on to tell me that my services had been restored. Regarding the bill, he said he was escalating the matter to the head of customer services so that the problem would be resolved. As far as I recall, this is the third (maybe fourth) time I’ve been told the issue was being escalated.
  • At 12:53 p.m., I heard a ringing again. Gina (employee number GBW9BY9) answered. As I started to tell her the problem, she interrupted to tell me that I’d been connected to the wrong department. Oh boy. She was from the wireless, cell phone department. I asked her to transfer me back to John, but she told me she was unable to do that. So I asked her to transfer me to the head of customer services. “I can’t make any promises,” she told me. Hey, there is some honesty! And I was put on hold again.
  • At 1:03 p.m. Peggy (employee number PW4247) in Atlanta answered. I told her the story. She put me on hold to see if a supervisor could make the necessaryadjustment to the bill. She came back after a few minutes to say it would be a little longer. I was calm and suddenly optimistic. Could this be the person who finally solves the issue?
  • At 1:18 p.m., she came back on the line and said that her manager will take care of it, but that it might take a little while, and I needed to be placed on hold again. Peggy was so nice, and now I was certainly optimistic that the problem was going to be resolved.
  • Peggy came back on to say her supervisor gave the adjustment the okay, and that all that was left to do was get the okay from the manager who had already left for the day. So tomorrow morning it should happen first thing. Hurrah!
  • At 1:26 p.m., the call ended. And I then listened to Grateful Dead’s “Peggy O” in honor of the person who finally solved the problem. And then I listened to “Uncle John’s Band” in honor of the person who had my services restored.
What do you think, folks? Could this be the end of the story?

Monday, May 21, 2018

My Troubles With AT&T: Update May 21, 2018

I am so incredibly frustrated with AT&T, mainly with the company's failure to honor promises regarding my bill, but also with its continuing inability to solve the issue. Over and over, I will speak with someone at AT&T who promises to get to the bottom of the issue. And then, invariably, I never hear from that person again.

Briefly, what happened is, after continued problems with my service, I was promised in February that my next bill would be $0. When it arrived, it was the usual amount. At that point, I was again without service (landline and internet). So I used my cell phone (thank you, Verizon) to call AT&T on March 12th. On that day, an employee named Patrick promised me he had taken care of that bill, and promised me that my next bill would also be $0. He didn't. And it wasn't. So now AT&T was demanding money, including a late payment tacked on, for bills I was promised would be $0. Again, that was on March 12th. It is now May 21st. Not only has the problem not been resolved, but no one has followed through even on the various promises to keep me apprised of the situation. You see, all calls to AT&T are recorded. So there is, somewhere, a recording of that March 12th call. I was told they couldn't find it; then I was told they hadn't looked for it; then I was told they never listen to those calls anyway; then I was told again they would find the recording.

Here are links to earlier updates:
- April 12, 2018
- April 12, 2018, Part 2
- April 13, 2018
- April 16, 2018
- April 29, 2018
- May 1, 2018

And now here is the latest:

5-1-18 (continued)
  • A little after 5:30, I tried to get online, but for some reason I was not connected. I then connected, but after a moment was kicked offline. I connected again, and things seemed to be okay. For eight or nine minutes.
  • At 5:42 p.m., I was kicked offline again. My phone, however, was working. And the broadband light was green on my modem. What new problem was this?
  • At 5:44 p.m., I was able to get online again.
  • At 5:45 p.m., I was kicked off again.
  • At 5:47 p.m., it seemed to be working. Nope. At 5:49 p.m., it went out again.
  • At 5:54 p.m., I called the last technician who visited me and left a message explaining my new problem.
  • At 6:01 p.m., I gave up and turned off the computer.
  • At 6:58 p.m., the technician sent me a text message: “Try factory resetting the modem by holding down the red button on the back for 30 seconds and let it reset. When the broadband and service lite go solid green u should be good to go”
  • I replied: “Thank you. Will try now…”
  • I dd as he suggested. I didn’t get back on the computer right away, because I was so frustrated.
  • At 8 p.m., I turned the computer back on. I was not connected to the server, but was able to connect quickly. However, it didn’t last. I was kicked off several times, and had to keep connecting.
  • At 8:07 p.m., I sent another text message to the technician: “Service cuts in and out, but green light on modem remains on. I have to keep connecting to the network.”
  • Problem continued. At 8:14 p.m., I had to connect again.
May 9, 2018
  • At 11:55 a.m., I sent AT&T this message on Facebook: “So now you're ignoring my messages? AT&T is the absolute worst company. Each person says he or she will help, but no one follows through.”
  • Since no one was even reading my messages anymore, I added this one at 12:09 p.m.: “By the way, what is the deal with this payment to Michael Cohen's fake company? You want some insight into Donald Trump? Here is some: He's a whiny, self-obsessed, sociopath who is incapable of caring for anyone but himself. He desperately wants people to love him, and thinks they do. I will accept my consulting fee now.”
  • Then, at 11:35 p.m., I sent this message: “I guess that's it, eh? From now on, you won't be responding to my messages. Nice.”
  • No response. These messages were never even read (you can tell when someone reads a message on Messenger).
  • At noon, I left this comment on AT&T’s Facebook page: “AT&T is terrible. I have been having a problem with the company following through on a promise. This has been going on for two months. Someone will respond, say he or she is going to help, and then never follow through. Now AT&T is ignoring all the messages I've sent through Facebook. And they haven't called me back, though multiple people promised they would. How can AT&T treat its customers like this?”
May 10, 2018
  • At 11:57 a.m., I left this comment on AT&T’s Facebook page: “So, is AT&T just ignoring the messages I've sent now? You say you'll help, but you never follow through. What kind of way is that to treat your customers? Is there is a single competent person in your company who can finally solve the problem I've been having for months? I don't think so.”
May 14, 2018
  • At 12:43 a.m., I sent this message via Facebook: “So, for the record, the last time you responded to - or even read - one of my messages was April 26th. What's the deal? Are you all busy doing damage control because of the insane Michael Cohen deal, and have no time to speak with your customers?”
  • At 12:45 a.m., I also posted that message on AT&T’s Facebook page. 
May 21, 2018
  • I received an automated call from AT&T, but hung up. It was about paying my bill. I do not accept calls from recordings. I demand to hear from an actual person.