Saturday, December 24, 2016

A Christmas Wish

A new poll shows that the most requested Christmas gift this year is Donald Trump's head on a spike. Where the electoral college failed, perhaps Santa Claus can succeed.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Driving Information For Los Angeles Residents

It seems there just isn’t any driver’s education in Los Angeles, so I am going to fill that void now. Please share this with everyone you know who lives in this city.

Tips For L.A. Drivers
  • The left lane is the passing lane. Do not drive 55 or 60 mph in the left lane of the 134 (where the speed limit is 65). Get over to the right. You are slow, and need to be in the slow lane. When I get behind you and flash my lights at you, that’s a friendly reminder to get over.
  • A solid white line means, Do not cross. I am talking specifically about you folks getting on the 101 at Highland. That entrance is on the left and is uphill, and so you’re going quite slowly. The next lane over is the fast lane. So don’t cross the solid white line going 35 when I’m coming along at 70. That line is solid for a very good reason.
  • Putting your turn signal on doesn’t necessarily mean it’s safe to turn yet. Putting your blinker on signals what you wish to do. That’s great. But you still have to wait for it to be safe before doing it. Don’t just put on the blinker and then switch lanes when I’m right next to you.
  • Don’t cross several lanes at once. That’s dangerous and asinine. Put your blinker on, and when it’s safe, get over one lane. Then wait a moment before putting on your blinker again and getting over into the next lane.
  • When getting on the 405 South from the 101, don’t try sneaking in at the last moment. You’re not special. You don’t get to cut in front of everyone. None of us wants to wait in that traffic, believe me. So just leave a bit earlier so you won’t feel stressed out, and then you can cut out that rude nonsense.
  • Put the phone away. If you need to send a text message, get off the road first. Don’t risk my safety because some dipshit friend of yours sent you a message about her fucking cat or whatever.
  • If you end up in a right turn only lane, then for fuck’s sake, turn right. You can then turn around or whatever you need to do. But don’t get into the right turn lane and then go straight. If I’m behind you waiting to turn right, I expect you to turn right. I’m talking about folks heading north on Tujunga at the light at Victory.
  • When waiting to turn left at a light, make sure you pull up far enough that you trigger that green arrow. I was once stuck behind someone who didn’t pull up far enough, and I had to sit through the light twice, which put me in a foul mood. I honked, then shouted at him to pull up farther.   
  • Pay attention. If you’re waiting to turn left at a light, keep in mind that everyone behind you wants to make that green arrow as well, so don’t leave a giant gap between you and the car in front of you when turning. Those lights don’t give us all that much time.
  • Motorcyclists, don’t pull into my lane at a light and then expect to go in front of me when it turns green. That shit pisses me off and makes me want to run you off the road. Follow the rules of the road like everyone else.
  • Bicyclists, don’t ride in crosswalks, and get the fuck off the sidewalks.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Gift Wrapping, Christmas Edition

I mentioned earlier that I've gotten into this habit of cutting out pictures and adding them to the wrapping of presents that I give to people. I also take photos of them, the idea being that these photos will help me keep from repeating a joke. I posted a few photos earlier. Here are a few more that I still find amusing, these being specifically related to Christmas. Happy Christmas, everyone.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

A Solution

Something horrible is in the air, and it's affecting all of us to varying degrees. I've given it considerable thought, and the only solution is for Donald Trump and Mike Pence to leave Planet Earth for points unknown. Please, folks, help book their passage to Elsewhere. We'll give them a big send-off, a grand goodbye, befitting heroes and kings, a celebration for the ages. Something everyone can be a part of, an event to bring us all together again. What better way to dispel this dark cloud, this dread, this sense of defeat, this fear of the future? In fact, what other way?

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Frightened in November

I wish Twitter and Facebook had existed in 1933 Germany. It would be interesting to read the pro-Hitler posts and to be able to compare them to the current posts by Donald Trump supporters. I know that comparisons to Hitler have been made with other politicians over the years, but with Trump and his group, the comparisons are truly apt. (Just re-read his speeches, and substitute the word "Jews" for every mention of Muslims and Mexicans and undocumented Americans.) Donald is a despicable racist, and he's surrounding himself with the worst that American politics have to offer. I sincerely hope that something happens to Trump and Pence before they can be sworn in. Otherwise, I fear we're in for a terrifying ride into darkest side of America.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Photos From Work

This photo shows perfectly what an exciting time I had at work yesterday:

Today was a little crazier, but I wasn't able to get photos demonstrating that (because I was too busy). However, early in the day, I took this photo:

I figured for that cost I could take every room in the hotel, and we could have ourselves one hell of a party.


A barrel full of kittens
And half a bag of nails
I'm building something special
I'll show you the photos from jail

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Donald Trump's Expanded Interview

I was sent a special, unedited version of Donald Trump's latest interview. It is quite a bit different from what was broadcast to the nation. In the full version, he not only promised to build a wall between the United States and Mexico and force Mexicans to pay for it, but also promised to force illegal Mexicans to do the actual labor without pay. He also toyed with the idea of having them build a special catapult, and then any more Mexicans caught on our side of the wall after its completion would be catapulted across to Mexico. "That's because I don't want there to be any doors in the wall," he explained. "Mexicans are all criminals, and it would be too easy for them to pick the lock of a door." When asked about the possibility of a fence instead of a wall, he said there might be some fencing, but then explained that he meant that Mexicans would be forced to engage in fencing duels on top of the wall. "This will provide some entertainment," he said. "Of course, if they happen to fall off the wall back into our country, we will have the catapult ready."

He also expanded on his promise to have Roe Vs. Wade overturned. In the interview as it aired, he said he would appoint a conservative judge who would be against abortion. But in the unedited version, he talked about how he will impose prison sentences on women who try to get abortions, that they will be tied down in a cell until they give birth, to make sure that nothing happens to their unborn children. When asked, "What about in the case of rape?" Trump answered that the rape accusation against him was unfounded, and that the woman had dropped her suit, thus proving it was unfounded, and that she wasn't attractive enough for him to have raped in the first place. The interviewer, somewhat stunned, tried to get Trump back on course with regards to abortion, but Trump continued, saying that rape doesn't exist, and he threatened to kill anyone who said otherwise.

In the interview as aired, Donald insisted that he hadn't heard any racial slurs by any of his supporters, then admitted there might have been just one or two instances on social media. When asked if he had a message for those few people, he said, "Stop it." In the expanded version of the interview, he then asked, "Wait, do you mean the wetbacks and the rag-heads?" He explained that slurs against those people would stop soon after he took office because he would not permit any more wetbacks and rag-heads to enter the country, and would deport all of them that he could find within the country. That way, there would no longer be a call to use such racial slurs.

Donald also promised that he would find a way to imprison his opponent, Hillary Clinton. He said, "She did some bad things, I mean she did some bad things." In the full version of the interview, he admitted, when asked, that she hadn't swindled people out of millions of dollars with a fake university, raped a thirteen-year-old girl, assaulted several women, bragged about assaulting several women, spied on women as they were changing during beauty pageants, refused to rent apartments to black people, intimidated tenants, dealt with the mafia in the building of casinos, used undocumented workers to build a tower, illegally operated a casino, refused to compensate employees for work done, used campaign money to purchase copies of her own book, or used charity money to have a life-size portrait done. He said he would look into every aspect of her life, and find something dirty on her, or, if need be, create it himself, and have her arrested.

Melania Trump was also interviewed, and said her special cause as First Lady would be to stop bullying. She admitted that she told her husband "all the time" not to bully people on social media, but that he only listened to her occasionally. In the unedited version of the interview, Melania also admitted that her non-bullying policy would not apply to those who spoke against Muslims, Mexicans and blacks.

After the interview, Donald kissed his wife, and then grabbed Ivanka and kissed her too. Perhaps thinking that his microphone had been turned off, he then bragged about how sexy his daughter is, and that no matter who she dates, he would always be her first.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Photos From Work: Downtown L.A. The Day After America Went Completely Sideways

I'm not sure just how it was decided that we would shoot not only in downtown, but at the City Hall, the day after the election. The day after many Americans proved themselves to be total lunatics. I was hungover, of course, and in a foul mood. I would go from despair to intense anger, the kind of anger where you want to drive your car into a church. You know what I'm talking about. But early in our day, our set was visited by a large number of young protestors, and that really raised my spirits. These guys were organized and respectful, and it was great to see their energy. I actually teared up. They arrived, said what they needed to say (basically asking that their families not be torn apart - remember, Donald, that crazy fucker, promised to round up all undocumented immigrants and ship them out of the country - how can that not remind you of Hitler?), and then left. The whole thing lasted something like then minutes.

Here are a few photos:

Here they come!
Running up the steps of City Hall
Our crew was sort of enveloped by the crowd.
Moments earlier this had been our set.
Then we shifted our crew to another location. And there too we were met by protestors. This time, many more of them. At one point, we were surrounded at basecamp, listening to the police reports on an officer's walkie, trying to figure out which way the vans could go to get to our set. Sometimes they couldn't go at all. Main St. was blocked, then 3rd, then 4th, and so on. Then the highways were shut down. It was insane. Most of the folks were great, but of course a few shitheads joined the group and were climbing on our equipment. Later some people attempted to steal our generator. Not cool. I don't think they were really part of the protest, but rather those total assholes who look for any excuse to do shitty things. But hey, with a president like Donald, doing shitty things seems patriotic.

Outside our basecamp.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

One Bright Morning

This short story, “One Bright Morning,” was written mostly on November 2, 2016, and then finished on November 3rd. I wrote it while at work as a production assistant on a television show called Doubt, in an effort to keep myself from going completely insane or succumbing to depression. I figured that if I write while I’m at work, then I can kid myself that I’m actually getting paid to write. Of course, that’s not the case at all; my writing while at work could be seen as me completely fucking around on production’s dime. So be it.

Richard woke one morning in the wrong house, with the wrong woman next to him in bed, her throat cut in the most wrong way. His T-shirt no longer white, his hands trembling, a knife between his agitated body and the woman’s quite still corpse. Richard hated rushing in the mornings, or at any time really, but he now got out of bed with tremendous speed, and looked around the room for his possessions – pants and shoes, at least, must be present somewhere. A belt? A shirt? Seeing nothing of his, nothing familiar, he left the room, surprised to find his cock erect. Sure, he usually woke with a hard-on, but this was not a usual morning, and these sort of circumstances should have been enough to eliminate any hint of excitement in that area. But no, his cock was pointing out the escape route, leading the way, first out of the room. Richard dutifully followed. In the next room, there was another girl, just as dead. His pants weren’t in there either.
     Richard was getting a tad nervous, as this complete lack of pants was unsettling. It wasn’t like him to roam about a stranger’s house sans trousers. Two more corpses in the bathroom, but no pants. This was disturbing; his wallet and keys were in the pockets of those trousers. He couldn’t leave without them, particularly a home full of dead women. He wouldn’t want the police to find his wallet, and surely they would go through this place rather thoroughly. They might consider it evidence, and begin to suspect Richard of having some hand in whatever activities led to the deaths of these four unfortunate women.
     Five, actually, he noted as he went down the staircase to the living room. This fifth woman was dismembered, her limbs on various stairs, her head staring at him from the base of the staircase, watching his approach without interest.
     “Where are my fucking pants?” Richard was tempted to kick the head, out of frustration, as he reached the bottom of the stairs, but without his shoes, thought the skull might well damage his toes, and passed by the head without taking action. It was then that he came upon the most gruesome tableau of this inauspicious morning. Three women, strung up from the ceiling by their arms, their bodies sewn together at the torsos, creating a twisted semi-human beast, an offering to an unnamed, perverse and greedy deity. Two of them were nude; the middle one, however, Richard happily noted, was dressed in his missing pants, shoes and button-down shirt. He was able to remove the shoes without any trouble, but his pants, he was upset to find, were sewn into the nude corpses on either side. And the shirt, of course, would be impossible to retrieve without bringing down the whole corpse creation. As he considered a couple of courses of action – ripping the bodies apart, or getting a pair of scissors – another body appeared, this one quite alive, jumping out at him from the next room.
     “Surprise!” she shouted.
     That was echoed by several other people, though not by those hanging from the ceiling. Friends, co-workers all entered now from the kitchen and dining room. Richard was surprised, though he’d have to admit everything so far about this day had come as a surprise. But no one had ever thrown him a surprise birthday party before, and it wasn’t long before he got into the spirit of the thing. Lucy, his next door neighbor, even brought him a pair of scissors so he could get his pants. And once he was dressed, he felt much more comfortable, much more relaxed. Also, it was upon seeing her that his cock finally began to nod off.
     The cops then came in and arrested him for multiple murders. But, all in all, it was one of Richard’s better birthdays.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Photo From Work: West Hills

We were back in West Hills today, but fortunately we were inside. Another long day: 14 hours, 48 minutes. Here is a photo from my lock-up on the first floor.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Photos From Work: West Hills, Agoura Hills, Stevenson Ranch

It was a long, dirty, exhausting week. Here are few photos.

Monday in West Hills
Monday in West Hills
My incredibly dull lock-up spot on Wednesday in Agoura Hills
On the walls at the location Wednesday. Did every asshole use this slogan?
Friday at Stevenson Ranch.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Photos From Work

I'm not sure what kind of spider this is, but it caught my eye yesterday afternoon. It was just a few feet from where we had placed the battery bucket.

And here is a photo from Thursday. Yes, another photo of the ocean in Malibu.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Photos From Work: Malibu

Today I worked at a house in Malibu. Here are some photos from base camp, which was right at the beach.

Morning in Malibu

The end of the day

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Photo From Work

Hey, folks, spelling does count.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Photos From Work

Yesterday, I was in Chatsworth, at the Sinatra house. It is always so bloody hot there.

Apparently, this was once filled with water. Now I hear it's poisoned.
This guy startled me at my lock-up.
It's really difficult to hit 88 mph up this winding driveway.
When is John Waters going to make another movie? I loved "A Dirty Shame."

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Photos From Work

Today I worked in Malibu. Yes, the drive was a bit long, but the ocean is beautiful. Here are a few photos from the day. The first two are from when I arrived, and were taken from the catering area. The third is from the set. I didn't expect to actually be on the beach. We were so close that for the first shots, two PAs were tasked with watching the water, and whenever a wave reached farther up the beach than expected, they would shout "Wave!"

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Gift Wrapping

I've gotten into this habit of cutting out pictures and adding them to the wrapping of presents that I give to people. I also take photos of them, the idea being that these photos will help keep me from repeating a joke. But of course I almost never look at the photos, so I've probably repeated myself multiple times. Anyway, I should be asleep or writing or reading or planning my future; instead, now I'm looking at the photos. Some of these I still find amusing, and so thought I'd share them.

I hope you've enjoyed these. Otherwise, I'm just really wasting my time.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Photos From Work

Apparently cults are active, even encouraged, in today's school system, as evidenced by the second photo, taken in the main corridor of a high school where I was working today.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Los Angeles Fire Season

The fires are far enough away that I'm not nervous, but close enough that ash was falling on me when I went out to my car (which, by the way, wouldn't start). Here are a couple of photos from my balcony.