Thursday, November 27, 2014

Bird (Thanksgiving Update)

Those bastards across the street - the ones with that loud bird - have moved. I couldn't be more pleased. But there was a time when I feared they had left the bird behind, and that it was going to scream until it finally died of starvation. I tried to find information on how long that would take, but I wasn't certain just what type of bird it was. You see, the moving truck arrived, and they packed all their belongings into it. And they left. And the house was dark. But the bird still screamed. I thought perhaps they'd come back in a couple of hours to retrieve it and whatever else might be left in the house. But three days passed before they came back for that fucking bird. Three days during which it screamed. Or perhaps it wasn't those people that came for the bird. I suppose it doesn't matter who eventually took the bird. Someone came for it, for it's no longer annoying me, and for that I am thankful.


When poets give readings and stress every single word as if giving instructions to a retarded child, I want to leap out of my seat and smack them across the face. Because someone needs to let them know they're being bad.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Bad Words

I often use the word "fuck." Occasionally someone will ask me not to use that word around him or her. And sometimes someone will ask me not to swear. Okay, fair enough. But I too have a list of words that I don't want to hear. This is it:
  • multitask
  • proactive
  • blouse (This one is just an ugly-sounding word.)
  • nylons (Also an ugly-sounding word.)
  • slacks (Another ugly-sounding word.)
  • selfie (Not really a word.)
  • guesstimate (Also not a word.)
  • irregardless (Also not a word.)
  • waitressing (Also not a word. "Waitress" is a noun, not a verb. You never hear anyone say "waitering," do you?)
  • momentarily (This one I don't want to hear because every time I hear it, it's used incorrectly. It means "for a moment," not "in a moment," so don't tell me you'll be with me momentarily or I will punch you in the face.)
  • forte (This one I don't want to hear because every time I hear it, it's pronounced incorrectly - "forte," meaning "an area of expertise," has only one syllable - it rhymes with "snort")
  • African-American (This one is just stupid. What would you call a black person in France? And what about white people who were born in Africa and now live in America?) 
  • full-figured (Enough already! Please just say "fat" or "large.")
  • reboot (This one bothers me specifically when it's used to refer to yet another remake of a film. Don't get fancy. Call it what it is: a lack of imagination coupled with a lack of guts to attempt something new.)
While we're on the subject, I also don't ever want to hear anyone say "is comprised of." That is incorrect. What you should say is "is composed of."

Once everyone has made these adjustments, then we can talk about my use of the word "fuck."