Saturday, December 24, 2016

A Christmas Wish

A new poll shows that the most requested Christmas gift this year is Donald Trump's head on a spike. Where the electoral college failed, perhaps Santa Claus can succeed.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Driving Information For Los Angeles Residents

It seems there just isn’t any driver’s education in Los Angeles, so I am going to fill that void now. Please share this with everyone you know who lives in this city.

Tips For L.A. Drivers
  • The left lane is the passing lane. Do not drive 55 or 60 mph in the left lane of the 134 (where the speed limit is 65). Get over to the right. You are slow, and need to be in the slow lane. When I get behind you and flash my lights at you, that’s a friendly reminder to get over.
  • A solid white line means, Do not cross. I am talking specifically about you folks getting on the 101 at Highland. That entrance is on the left and is uphill, and so you’re going quite slowly. The next lane over is the fast lane. So don’t cross the solid white line going 35 when I’m coming along at 70. That line is solid for a very good reason.
  • Putting your turn signal on doesn’t necessarily mean it’s safe to turn yet. Putting your blinker on signals what you wish to do. That’s great. But you still have to wait for it to be safe before doing it. Don’t just put on the blinker and then switch lanes when I’m right next to you.
  • Don’t cross several lanes at once. That’s dangerous and asinine. Put your blinker on, and when it’s safe, get over one lane. Then wait a moment before putting on your blinker again and getting over into the next lane.
  • When getting on the 405 South from the 101, don’t try sneaking in at the last moment. You’re not special. You don’t get to cut in front of everyone. None of us wants to wait in that traffic, believe me. So just leave a bit earlier so you won’t feel stressed out, and then you can cut out that rude nonsense.
  • Put the phone away. If you need to send a text message, get off the road first. Don’t risk my safety because some dipshit friend of yours sent you a message about her fucking cat or whatever.
  • If you end up in a right turn only lane, then for fuck’s sake, turn right. You can then turn around or whatever you need to do. But don’t get into the right turn lane and then go straight. If I’m behind you waiting to turn right, I expect you to turn right. I’m talking about folks heading north on Tujunga at the light at Victory.
  • When waiting to turn left at a light, make sure you pull up far enough that you trigger that green arrow. I was once stuck behind someone who didn’t pull up far enough, and I had to sit through the light twice, which put me in a foul mood. I honked, then shouted at him to pull up farther.   
  • Pay attention. If you’re waiting to turn left at a light, keep in mind that everyone behind you wants to make that green arrow as well, so don’t leave a giant gap between you and the car in front of you when turning. Those lights don’t give us all that much time.
  • Motorcyclists, don’t pull into my lane at a light and then expect to go in front of me when it turns green. That shit pisses me off and makes me want to run you off the road. Follow the rules of the road like everyone else.
  • Bicyclists, don’t ride in crosswalks, and get the fuck off the sidewalks.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Gift Wrapping, Christmas Edition

I mentioned earlier that I've gotten into this habit of cutting out pictures and adding them to the wrapping of presents that I give to people. I also take photos of them, the idea being that these photos will help me keep from repeating a joke. I posted a few photos earlier. Here are a few more that I still find amusing, these being specifically related to Christmas. Happy Christmas, everyone.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

A Solution

Something horrible is in the air, and it's affecting all of us to varying degrees. I've given it considerable thought, and the only solution is for Donald Trump and Mike Pence to leave Planet Earth for points unknown. Please, folks, help book their passage to Elsewhere. We'll give them a big send-off, a grand goodbye, befitting heroes and kings, a celebration for the ages. Something everyone can be a part of, an event to bring us all together again. What better way to dispel this dark cloud, this dread, this sense of defeat, this fear of the future? In fact, what other way?