Friday, June 23, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 23, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Sean Spicer is excited about his life after the Trump regime. "I've decided to find a nice residential area and live among the well-trimmed hedges," he told reporters. He added that he thought he wouldn't encounter trouble from the residents, as he has perfected his hiding methods and believes he will not be detected.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 22, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has been hard at work preparing short comments about both his resignation and his impeachment for Twitter. He is hoping that by being prepared, he'll be able to avoid those embarrassing misspellings and other errors that plague most of his posts.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 21, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The laboratory where an earlier mishap resulted in the creation of Betsy DeVos suffered another major setback last night when vandals broke in and damaged specimens of what were reputed to be intelligent Republicans, something new the government was developing.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 20, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump's lawyer has promised to be as honest as Donald himself, and so he issued a statement saying that Donald has never done anything wrong in his entire life and is not under investigation.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 19, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump was pleased with the praise given to him by his cabinet members at the recent meeting. But after reviewing the footage multiple times, he realized each had basically said the same thing as the last, and so he has imposed a new rule for future cabinet meetings. Everyone will still be required to compliment and praise Trump, of course, but there can be no repeated compliments. Because of this new order, cabinet members have expressed an eagerness to arrive early in order to get a good position at the table so as to be able to go first.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 18, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): According to several witnesses, when Ivanka wished Donald Trump a happy Father's Day this morning, he grabbed her roughly, said "Call me Daddy," and then revealed he's not her biological father. When asked about the encounter minutes later, Ivanka insisted she's Donald's biological daughter and that her inheritance is not in question.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 17, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): At a press briefing, Donald Trump claimed that recent polls showing his low approval rating are false. "My approval rating is very high," he said. "The highest of anyone ever, after you subtract those three million people who were polled illegally."

Friday, June 16, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 16, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Undercover reporters have learned the secret hazing procedures of Republicans, which include public defecation on either a copy of the First Amendment or the Roe V. Wade decision (most choose to do this late at night, so as not to be seen). Once he or she has gone through the hazing process, there is also a special ceremony in which the soul is symbolically removed from the neophyte. At the end of the ceremony the newly born Republican is given a hundred-dollar bill that had been intended for charity.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 15, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump is considering taking a break from his job as president in order to film a new season of The Apprentice. "It's such a great show, but it's only great when I'm on it," he told reporters. When asked who would run the country while he was busy with the television show, Trump answered, "Don't worry, I'll still be running things really, but I plan on giving the country to my sons so there will be no conflict of interest." Reporters were too stunned to ask any follow-up questions.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 14, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Melania Trump has moved into the White House. It took weeks of renegotiating her contract, but finally she and Donald, along with their respective lawyers, were able to hammer out a deal in which she would move into the White House in exchange for a large, but undisclosed sum. According to this deal, Melania will not sleep in the same room as Donald, but will be seen in public with him once a week. If Donald wishes to have her accompany him to a second government function in any given week, he will have to pay her another fee. According to the lawyers, the contract is for one year, as neither of them thinks Donald's presidency will extend beyond that time period.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Fun With Trump Supporters (Because Swatting Them Only Makes Them Angry)

I wish that everyone who voted for Donald Trump would disappear from our planet. Eventually that will happen, of course. But not soon enough. And so we have to live with these cretins. One way to deal with that is to have a little fun with them online, responding to their ridiculous posts and comments. So here we go again, more Fun With Trump Supporters...

Richrd Neal (on Facebook, 5-5-17): "Trump is killing it - He was born to be President...Don't believe me? Just look around you at all the melting snowflakes. That is all the evidence one needs to know Trump is making things happen like no President before him. Because so many pissed off melting snowflakes tell you he is shaking things up by getting things done..."
My response: "Richrd Neal, what goddamn liberal snowflake stole the 'A' from your first name? Have you reported this theft to the police? Don't let them get away with this, Richrd. Who knows what perverted things they're doing to your A right now? This is exactly the kind of thing that Donald Trump warned us about. I bet Hillary is behind this. I bet she took the A from your first name in order to use it in some other devilish word, a word you can't even imagine, a word that would terrify school children and cause dogs to bark wildly. Richrd, those liberals must be stopped before we end up with a nation of Richrds and Brins and Ryns and - god forbid - Donlds."

Brunell Donald-Kyei (on Twitter, 5-6-17): "I thought about jobs that went overseas failing schools open borders not my skin color when I voted @realDonaldTrump! I am a Proud American!"
My response: "Next you should think about punctuation. Trump supporters seem to only have access to exclamation points, not commas."

Darren Embro (on Facebook, 5-7-17): "Our soldiers are the true heros, they fight for our great nation, risk their lives, sacrifice time with friends and family, lose their friends in war, and still wake up ready to defend our great nation until the last breath. I am glad to see a president who truly appreciates the military."
My response: "Darren, you are a bit daft, my friend. Donald will publicly be in favor of whatever his people tell him his foolish supporters like. That's why he suddenly attended a church service on Easter, because his insane supporters are into that sort of thing. But keep in mind that the only thing Donald Trump is truly in favor of is Donald Trump. (By the way, you misspelled 'heroes.')"

Leslee Leger Brown (on Facebook, 5-16-17): "President Trump is doing so much for America..... while liberals choke on Fake News..... he does not let it get him off focus on fixing what is broken in America...... sure would like to hang the leaker..... Washington Post should know better..... they are guilty of jeopardizing National Security not our President!!" 
My response: " Leslee, you are a demented twit. Supporting Donald Trump is like announcing to the world that you are unable to tie your shoes, do simple math, tell the difference between a fork and spoon, find your way home from two blocks away, open a bottle of wine, park a car and so on. Supporting Donald Trump is announcing to the world that you have no integrity or soul or heart or sympathy. Supporting Donald Trump is announcing to the world that you are no longer capable of making your own decisions, and that you desperately need constant supervision."

Thomas Caputo (on Facebook, 5-16-17): "Thank god a good man like Donald Trump stepped up to save us from the same old Washington politics that have ruined this country for years. God bless this man. He waging a war on phony politicians and communists insurgents. I love this guy."
My response: "Thomas, clearly you are no longer able to take care of yourself or make rational decisions. Saying you love Trump is like saying you enjoy throwing razor blades at babies in the NICU." 

Michelle Bell (on Facebook, 5-18-17): "WE THE PEOPLE KNOW U HAVENT DONE ANYTHING WRONG. LOVE MY PRESIDENT"
My response: "Trump fans have such a tough time with English. Michelle, you are a fucking moron, and don't tell me you're not. Now, see how in that sentence I typed the word 'you' rather than just using the letter 'U.' Notice also that when I used a contraction such as 'don't' that I correctly included the apostrophe. And did you notice that at the conclusion of each sentence I included punctuation? That's how adults make sentences." 

Helen Magyari Ilonka Todorut (on Facebook, 5-18-17): "Yes we are with you and we love your work what you doing for us people"
My response: "Helen et al, I agree! I love how Donald Trump is getting rid of environmental regulations so that we can all get sick. And I love that he wants to get rid of health care, so that once we get sick we can just all suffer together. Nothing brings the people together like a whole lot of death. I also love all the great work he does down at Mar-A-Lago every week." 

Kenneth Dean (on Facebook, 5-18-17): "Keep fighting we got your back"
My response: "When will Trump supporters be given access to punctuation? Fight for that, Kenneth Dean! Fight!"

Judith Tamar (on Facebook, 5-18-17): "I am so sad that you must take this evil witch hunt. So you need much more of our prayer. Be strong and hold on. God bless you and your family!"
My response: "I agree, Judith! God bless his family, especially that ex-prostitute who used to pose nude. Oh, and also that daughter/girlfriend of his who likes to use her position to promote her clothing and jewelry lines." 

John Duncan (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "Keep up the great work for America, the patriots who can think and aren't sheep see what you are doing. Hollywood liberal's and the globalist kabal abd their media mouthpieces tout nothing but missinfirmation, you will be vindicated in the end."
My response: "What the hell is 'missinfirmation'? Also, take the apostrophe out of 'liberal's.' Fucking Trump supporters just can't handle the English language."  

Elizabeth Roberts (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "Wow a president who shares openly with the American people what he is doing.. what a concept? God placed you hear in this moment in history to lead this nation for a reason.. Nothing and no one is going to remove you out of your appointed place, or take it from you, President Trump. The evil empire we are battling may lie, scheme, profane, and distort every thing you do. But whom God has sovereignly appointed, they cannot take nor remove. Thank you for your immense hard work, your bravery, your respect for this great national and her people.. and for Godly fear which is the beginning of all wisdom. You're doing great! Very proud."
My response: "Elizabeth, you're a nut. Now take a moment to review the difference between 'hear' and 'here.' Also, let me ask you one thing: What specifically has Donald Trump done that you consider great? And yes, I will keep in mind while reading your response that you are a nut." 
Elizabeth Roberts: " Michael Doherty .. Are you really serious??.. yeah, you've been pickled by the mainstream media.. figures.. I can't abide the ignorance.. sorry.. please move on."
My response: "Elizabeth Roberts, waiting for your response. Come on, Lizzy, one thing that he did that is truly great." 
My response: "You're dodging the question, Lizzy. What specifically did Trump do that you consider great? Is there anything, or were you lying?" 
(I went to Elizabeth Roberts' Facebook page, and it turns out she is a big fan of Info Wars. Oh boy! Yes, nothing tells us you're a genius quite like quoting Alex Jones. I wonder if Elizabeth Roberts followed his custody battle, which he lost.) 
Elizabeth Roberts did not respond, so I tried once again.
My response: "Lizzy, are you still trying to come up with one great thing that Donald has done? Sweetheart, let me save you the time. He hasn't done anything great. He hasn't done anything good. So give up, and admit your original post was nonsense, you nut." 

Eric Curse (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "It's nice to have a President who shakes the hand of other leaders instead of bowing to them like Obama has."
My response: "Eric, Trump curtsied. He curtsied. You didn't see that? He bowed, and then curtsied. Clearly it's time for us to start grabbing Donald Trump by the pussy." 

David Klepinger (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "Suffice it to say that America has never had a president that has worked as hard as Donald J. Trump. God be with you, Mr. President."
My response: "David, I agree. He has worked so hard on his golf game, and I'm sure soon we will see some improvement on his swing." 

Jay Pearce (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "I love it when the president posts his agenda for the day... it is great, the everyday person now knows what the POTUS is doing.... keep up the good work chief, we are in your corner and have your back"
My response: "The 'everyday person'? As opposed to someone who is only occasionally a person?"  

Cassandra L. Dippold (on Facebook, 5-21-17): "Holy moly I hope you rested Well! You are a busy man Mr President Donald Trump! We love you and appreciate ALL you do to bring us together as one ALL countries working together and respecting us as their ALLY! God bless you. Thank you Jesus for putting this man as our leader! TEAMUSA#!"
My response: "Cassandra, wait, Jesus is responsible for Donald Trump being president? I thought it was the Russians. Or maybe a mistake made by the electoral college. It was Jesus? Let's find this guy, whoever he is, and nail him up on some wood!" 

I've been posting my daily alternative facts on Donald Trump's Facebook page, always prefacing them by saying "Today's alternative fact" to be very clear. On May 22, 2017, a woman named Esther Weyand responded: "Wow Michael you better have all your ducks in a row here because that's enough to be sued for deffimation of character! How could you say something like that??"
My response: "Esther Weyand, thank you for once again proving that Republicans have no sense of humor. And, by the way, I say stuff like that every day, and will until Donald and his regime are dragged out of the White House."
My second response: "Also, Esther, you should learn how to spell. It's 'defamation' of character, not 'deffimation.' Moron. Also, Donald is completely lacking character, so there is no chance of defamation."  

Donna Smith (on Facebook, 5-28-17): "so glad she didn't get elected now i know my daughters will be safe and all the other females and everyones elses yes even stupid libtards"
My response: "Donna Smith, your daughters will only be safe if you keep them away from pussy-grabbing Donald Trump. He likes 'em young. Very young."
Donna Smith: "Michael Doherty no justamd who knows maybe people like you pervert like bill Clinton"
My response: "Donna Smith, what the fuck were you trying to say? I can't make heads or tails of your gibberish. Please go back to school." 

Charlie Brown (on Facebook, 6-3-17): "Why is it so hard for anyone to see that this man heartfully cares about America? People!"
My response: "Charlie Brown, you're a clown. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) To answer your question, it is because Donald Trump lies with every single sentence he struggles to create. No one with any sense can believe anything he says. So if he says he cares about America, well, I don't buy it."
Charlie Brown: "Michael Doherty, you are the joke. I need say anything more."
My response: "Charlie Brown, you need say anything more? So you're going to say more? Did you mean to type 'I need not say anything more'? Or should I wait for more things that you need to say? Come on, Charlie Brown, get it together! Psychiatric Help: 5 cents. The doctor is in."  

I like to post my daily alternative facts on Donald Trump's Facebook page and on the Republican Party's Facebook page, and occasionally one of Trump's moronic followers will respond. Charlotte Miller responded early on the 10th to my post from June 9th.
Charlotte Miller (6-10-17): "Your a disgusting human pig. Your not good enough to carry President Trumps lunch bag" (And she included a cartoon pig head between her two sentences.)
My response: "Charlotte Miller, you seem to be having trouble knowing the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' Why don't you go back to school, learn a thing or two, and then come back and talk with me. Also, Donald Trump doesn't eat his lunch out of bag. He eats it out of the hollowed out skull of one of his beauty contestants." 
(A side note: I find it slightly humorous that Charlotte Miller's Facebook profile photo is of a child with the caption, "Why can't we all just get along?") 

Alternative Fact: June 13, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump admitted this morning that he does not have any recordings of his conversations with James Comey, though not because he thinks it would be wrong to secretly tape someone, but rather because he couldn't figure out how to turn the machine on. "These things are very complicated," Trump said. "Who knew espionage could be so complicated?"

Monday, June 12, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 12, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): It turns out that Donald Trump did not block anyone on Twitter, at least not personally. Members of his staff, in an effort to keep him as pleasant as possible, have taken it upon themselves to block Twitter users who they fear might upset the thin-skinned leader. "Because Donald is so quick to anger, we do our best to keep all negative comments away from him," one White House staff member said. "And that, as you can imagine, is incredibly difficult, as pretty much everyone hates him."

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 11, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A new report has surfaced, indicating that thousands of the fake Twitter accounts set up to support Donald Trump have now turned against him and are demanding his immediate resignation.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 10, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump let Kellyanne Conway out of her cardboard box in order to conduct a poll of his popularity on Twitter. Hoping to gain permanent freedom by appeasing her master, Kellyanne reported that 100% of those polled thought Donald was doing the best job of any president in the history of the country. When she was returned to her box afterward, an annoyed Kellyanne admitted that she only polled Donald's fake followers, and even then had to cheat a bit.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 9, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A group of girl scouts made the deadly mistake of trying to ply their wares at the White House. After being personally escorted into the Oval Office by Donald Trump, they were not heard from again. When asked about the missing girls by reporters, Donald stuck his fingers in his ears and said, "You're fake news, I'm not listening, nah nah nah-nah nah." However, a little later he was overheard bragging to hideous goblin Steve Bannon, "I ate those little blond cookies."

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 8, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Visitors to the White House yesterday were alarmed when their tour brought them to Donald Trump sprawled across a couch near the lobby. Because he seemed non-responsive, one tourist took out his cell phone to call 911, until the tour guide assured him this was Trump's normal state for much of the day. She even encouraged each of the tourists to poke him and leave "Thank you" notes taped to his body. "Don't worry, housekeeping will clean him up before dinner," the tour guide promised.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 7, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Word has leaked from the White House that Donald Trump used government funds to purchase several television spots to help sell his Muslim Ban under its new brand name, Travel Ban. "Hire some beautiful blond models to appear in the ads," he instructed an intern. "If that doesn't work, then I just don't understand America anymore."

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 6, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Republicans are asking citizens to cut Donald Trump some slack with regard to his use of Twitter, reminding them that he is under a lot of pressure. "Donald is not used to being awake for more than six hours a day, and most of those early morning Twitter posts were dictated by his six-foot long poisonous snake, Jasper," a Republican spokesperson told reporters. "Jasper wakes Donald every morning, demanding to be heard, and does not give Donald sufficient time to think about the messages before they are posted." Jasper was unavailable for comment.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 5, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): There was a brief panic in the White House today, when Donald Trump started shouting that his pet snake Jasper had gotten loose from his cage. Several staff members exited the building after Donald said the large, poisonous snake was angry and incoherent. It turned out to be a false alarm, however. Jasper was still in his cage. It was Kellyanne Conway who had somehow gotten loose. But within moments she was captured, sedated and returned to her cardboard box.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 4, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The only man working harder than Donald Trump is Donald Trump's therapist, who is trying desperately to help the president come to terms with being laughed at. According to several sources, Donald's therapist even organized a group of White House staff members to stand facing Donald and to begin laughing at him on cue. The results did not meet the therapist's hopes or expectations. Donald immediately fired all staff members involved in the exercise. "Now see if they laugh," he boasted before taking a nap.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Trump Supporters Are Idiots, Round Ten

Holy moly, I believe these people are actually getting dumber. I posted today's alternative fact on the President Donald Trump Fan Club Facebook page (yes, there is such a thing), so I knew a lot of idiots would see it.

Here it is: 

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A source close to Donald Trump leaked a portion of what Donald is calling "Donald's Great Solution," the goal of this plan being to destroy the entire planet. "Donald is old and demented, and knows he's going to die soon," the source said. "But he just can't stand the idea of the Earth existing without him, so he's working to have the planet destroyed by the time of his own death. Withdrawing from the Paris climate accord was just one step toward this goal."

Joanne MacIntyre: "What planet are you from? If you don't like the president move to Canada!"
My response: "Joanne MacIntyre, it's called Earth. Please don't visit."
Donald James Crawford: "Read Genesis 8-22 while the earth remains seedtime and harvest time and cold and heat and summer and winter day and night shall not cease. Climate change is a hoax I believe the Bible!!"
My response: "Donald James Crawford, wow. That is the most incredibly stupid thing I've read in a while. Why don't you read something that is actually about the issue, something written more recently perhaps, something written by experts in the field."
Patricia Stewart: "Michael Doherty You are a libtard retard !! OMG it is hard to believe how many people they have persuaded with there stupid talk and fake news."
My response: "Patricia Stewart, you child, learn the difference between 'their' and 'there,' and then come back and play with the adults."    
Patricia Stewart: "Your a troll SOB !!"
My response: "Patricia Stewart, also learn the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' Geez, Patrica, you're not very bright, are you?"
Dolores Anick: "Your a d."
My response: "Dolores Anick, my a d? What does that mean?"  
My second response: "Dolores Anick, did you mean my assistant director? What about my assistant director? Dolores, finish your sentence, because my assistant director is curious."
Jeannine Cote: "Michael, 60 million people who voted for Trump are ignoring you. Get lost. Only lazy people believe everything they see on the media rather than find the truth. You should put your energy to better use. Nobody cares that all you are looking for is a good fight. Like it or not, Donald Trump is your President, elected by the people and for the people. When you get tired of fighting, open your eyes and see the good things that are happening. But then again, you wouldn't know good if it smacked you in the face."
My response: "Jeannine Côté, name some of the good things that Donald has done. And where do you find the truth? In Donald's Twitter posts? I hope that is not the case. On FOX News? That can't be it either. So where is this strange new truth that you've discovered? And again, in case you've forgotten, tell me specifically some of the good things that Donald has done."  

No response by Jeannine Cote, of course. I left two more messages, encouraging her to respond, but apparently she is still trying to think of good things that Donald has done. By the way, while Dolores Anick did not respond to my questions, she did send me a friend request on Facebook. Interesting. 

Alternative Fact: June 3, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A source close to Donald Trump leaked a portion of what Donald is calling "Donald's Great Solution," the goal of this plan being to destroy the entire planet. "Donald is old and demented, and knows he's going to die soon," the source said. "But he just can't stand the idea of the Earth existing without him, so he's working to have the planet destroyed by the time of his own death. Withdrawing from the Paris climate accord was just one step toward this goal."

Friday, June 2, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 2, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump swore that even though half of his followers on Twitter are fake, paid-for accounts, he would not stop working to make America great for them. "I will make America so great that they will become real," Donald said. "Just like Melania's love for me."

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Alternative Fact: June 1, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has announced plans to launch his own probe to investigate citizens who don't respond favorably to his demented posts on Twitter and Facebook. "Obviously, these people are paid by the Russians," Donald said. "Russians are a great, great people. But these people who are paid by the Russians to leave bad comments about me are not great."