Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Mistress Boobilicious Takes To The Skies

The air parade dedicated to Mistress Boobilicious was a great success. And in fact, the show's finale kept at least one man from jumping to his death. Samuel Larson stood on the ledge of his office building, one short step from his own demise, when those giant balloons passed by and put a smile on the would-be suicide's face. Now he has decided to return to his former interest, that being sculpture, and pledges to create a series of works based on her amazing body. Mistress Boobilicious has that effect on folks, and inspires that kind of dedication.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Homeless In The Heat

There's a homeless man camped out on the steps in front of my apartment, in just his pants and socks. It's over a hundred degrees outside, so I offered him a bottle of water. He turned me down, then asked for some shrimp fried rice. So please support your local comedians.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

"Smart" Phone Problems Possibly Solved

What better way to start my day than going to a phone store? I checked in by giving my phone number to the guy at the door, which weirded me out a bit. He told me three people were in front of me, and to take a look around or to take a seat. I chose a seat. Being in a phone store is a bit like torture for me. In addition to being surrounded by things that make no sense to me, there is the horrible music to contend with, plus a back-lit billboard-like advertisement covering an entire wall. It's so bright that even if you are facing away from it, you can still see it, still sense it there, demanding your attention, your submission.

Others are seated, waiting, silent, patient or perhaps having given up. This is their life now. Slowly the past is sucked out of existence, memory and hope replaced with ringtones and bad pop music. Where did we come from? How do we get back? There is no way back. This is it.

My number was suddenly called. It was like I had won the lottery. I was so pleased, so excited, being admitted to some exclusive club. Actually, he called my name, not my number. It might have been funnier if he'd called out my phone number. Julio, the employee, was really helpful. It took him several minutes to see what was causing me to be unable to hear folks who call me. Finally he determined it was because I had turned off the phone sounds. I explained that I just didn't want the phone to beep or ring or make any other noises. But of course I'd want to be able to hear someone once I'd answered the phone. I can't imagine why someone would want that shut off. Why is that even an option? When would you want to make a call and not hear the other person? Okay, actually I can think of a couple of times when that would have been advantageous.

He then helped me set up a voice mail account, and got rid of a few things that the phone was doing on its own. When I missed a call yesterday, the phone sent out two text messages saying, "I'm in class." I wasn't in class (though, interestingly, the set was at a high school, so I was close to being in class). He deleted that message as an option. He said I must have sent that message by mistake. I assured him I did no such thing, that I hadn't even discovered the page with those pre-set messages. The phone had done it on its own, which I admit scares me. He told me it would no longer do that. We'll see.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Bloody So-Called "Smart" Phone Refuses To Cooperate

Well, it was my first full day with my new phone, and I discovered that one thing it won't do is actually receive calls. Central Casting called me like five times (thanks, guys, for trying so hard to reach me). And each time I would answer, but hear nothing. Later in the day a friend tried to get the phone to work, but couldn't. She did test the phone, however, by calling me, and it turns out she could hear me while I still couldn't hear her. So my apologies to the good folks at Central Casting who heard this from me: "Hello? Hello? I can't hear anything. This fucking thing doesn't work. Can you get this to work? I'm ready to catapult it against a brick wall. Can I just fucking throw this thing away? I hate it. I fucking hate it. I want my old phone back." And if you left me a voice mail, I have no idea how to get it. And even if I could get it, I probably wouldn't be able to hear it. So again, my apologies.

Technology doesn't like me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have problems with technology that no one else seems to have. Take this laptop computer, for example. My friends all thought I was exaggerating my problems with it, until they tried to use it. Within moments, they were swearing at it more than I do. Or take my car. It has such an odd problem that my mechanic tells me it's actually impossible. Honda also told me that the problem I described is impossible. Well, I told them, it's happened three times. So impossible it certainly is not. (That reminds me, shouldn't the Mission: Impossible movies be called Mission: Improbable? After all, as far as I know, the people are actually able to complete the missions. It would be great if the movies ended each time in total failure, with Tom Cruise turning to the camera and saying, "Well, it was an impossible mission.")

Well, my new job starts on Wednesday. So I have tomorrow to get this fucking phone in line. I'm heading back to the Verizon store tomorrow. Really excited about that. My friend told me that when I go in, to tell the folks there to talk to me as if I'm seventy years old. And that's what I will do. In the meantime, I'm shutting the fucker off again.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Smart Phone Raped My Dog And Devoured My Friends

Up until today, I've have had only one of those little flip phones. It didn't get online. It didn't record video. It didn't alert me to anything except to phone calls and text messages. And even those were rare, as I didn't bother to give most of my friends my cell number. And that worked really well for me.

But lately I've been expected to be able to receive group texts and so on for work. And so today I caved and purchased what they are calling a "Smart Phone." A lot of people have told me I will love it. We'll see about that. At the store, I told the guy I wanted something small, something simple. And I told him I didn't want it to make any noise. And I didn't want it to alert me when I have an email. I just want it to do what my old phone did, but to do it better. And I want it to be able to get online. That's all.

But suddenly it has sucked information from my Hotmail account, which I did not tell it to do. And when I tried to add contact information, it started making noises. Also, it - at no urging from me - suddenly updated itself for like ten minutes, and in the middle of that starting beeping. It's an unruly little fucker, and it seems to have taken its being called a Smart Phone to heart. Yes, it has developed an attitude. I tried reasoning with it, but it responded by flashing a blue light at me repeatedly. So I've shut the fucker off. Let it sulk for a bit. My plan is to break its will, and then begin implementing some changes.

Does anyone know how to do this? I need an experienced sadist. Together we can put the leashes on the little bastard and get it in line.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Sony Refuses To Correct The Problem, Or Even Respond

I purchased a Sony Blu-ray player which did not include a necessary component. I've contacted Sony about this, but they have not yet resolved the issue. Sony is apparently ignoring my message, which of course makes it unlikely that I would purchase something from that company again. It's also a matter of trust. I am unlikely to purchase Sony products again because I'll be wondering what necessary element will be missing. It's not just that the necessary item was missing, but that there was no warning on the box indicating that I would have to purchase something else. When batteries aren't included, but are needed, it says so on the box. So why wouldn't Sony warn me about the HDMI cable not being included? It's deception. They want you to think the player costs twenty dollars less than it actually does.

Here is the email that I sent to Matthew Parnell, Public Relations for Sony on July 3, 2015, before I heard back from the company via Facebook:

Dear Matthew Parnell,
    Recently I purchased a Sony Blu-ray player (BDP-S1500) at Target. Today I went to hook it to my television. Step 1 in the instruction sheet says, "Connect the player to your TV with a High Speed HDMI Cable." But none was included in the box. Figuring that was a mistake, and that I needed to return my player for one with the cable, I called Target. The electronics guy there told me that the cable isn't included. But how can that be? The cable is not an accessory, but a vital component of the player. And on the box, there is no indication that such a vital element isn't included. There is, however, this message on the box: "Wired Ethernet Cable for Streaming Services. Cable not included." So if you're alerting customers that this cord isn't included, why aren't you alerting them that an even more important element is missing? My Sony DVD player came with all necessary cords. Why not the Blu-ray player? When I purchased the player, I assumed I would have everything necessary. So I am quite upset about this. What I request is that from now on you include the cable in the box, or if this impossible for some reason, that you post some sort of warning on the box. Also, I would like to be reimbursed for my purchase of the cable, since I should not have had to purchase it, and was given no warning that I would need to. I bought the least expensive one I could find. It was $14.79, plus $1.33 tax, for a total of $16.12. I will attach photos of my receipts for the player and the cable, and also photos of the player box, including the detail I mentioned about the "Ethernet Cable for Streaming Services." Please send the reimbursement to me at this address:

Michael Doherty

Thank you for seeing to this promptly. I appreciate it.
Michael Doherty

I have not yet received a response, and nearly a month has passed. I've also not received a message to my last message to Sony on Facebook.

Sony contacted me within two hours of this post going up, and the issue now seems to be resolved. I am hoping that in the future the company will either include the necessary component, or will alert the customers about what is not included. It seems likely to me that the second will happen.