Smart Phone Raped My Dog And Devoured My Friends

Up until today, I've have had only one of those little flip phones. It didn't get online. It didn't record video. It didn't alert me to anything except to phone calls and text messages. And even those were rare, as I didn't bother to give most of my friends my cell number. And that worked really well for me.

But lately I've been expected to be able to receive group texts and so on for work. And so today I caved and purchased what they are calling a "Smart Phone." A lot of people have told me I will love it. We'll see about that. At the store, I told the guy I wanted something small, something simple. And I told him I didn't want it to make any noise. And I didn't want it to alert me when I have an email. I just want it to do what my old phone did, but to do it better. And I want it to be able to get online. That's all.

But suddenly it has sucked information from my Hotmail account, which I did not tell it to do. And when I tried to add contact information, it started making noises. Also, it - at no urging from me - suddenly updated itself for like ten minutes, and in the middle of that starting beeping. It's an unruly little fucker, and it seems to have taken its being called a Smart Phone to heart. Yes, it has developed an attitude. I tried reasoning with it, but it responded by flashing a blue light at me repeatedly. So I've shut the fucker off. Let it sulk for a bit. My plan is to break its will, and then begin implementing some changes.

Does anyone know how to do this? I need an experienced sadist. Together we can put the leashes on the little bastard and get it in line.