Bloody So-Called "Smart" Phone Refuses To Cooperate

Well, it was my first full day with my new phone, and I discovered that one thing it won't do is actually receive calls. Central Casting called me like five times (thanks, guys, for trying so hard to reach me). And each time I would answer, but hear nothing. Later in the day a friend tried to get the phone to work, but couldn't. She did test the phone, however, by calling me, and it turns out she could hear me while I still couldn't hear her. So my apologies to the good folks at Central Casting who heard this from me: "Hello? Hello? I can't hear anything. This fucking thing doesn't work. Can you get this to work? I'm ready to catapult it against a brick wall. Can I just fucking throw this thing away? I hate it. I fucking hate it. I want my old phone back." And if you left me a voice mail, I have no idea how to get it. And even if I could get it, I probably wouldn't be able to hear it. So again, my apologies.

Technology doesn't like me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have problems with technology that no one else seems to have. Take this laptop computer, for example. My friends all thought I was exaggerating my problems with it, until they tried to use it. Within moments, they were swearing at it more than I do. Or take my car. It has such an odd problem that my mechanic tells me it's actually impossible. Honda also told me that the problem I described is impossible. Well, I told them, it's happened three times. So impossible it certainly is not. (That reminds me, shouldn't the Mission: Impossible movies be called Mission: Improbable? After all, as far as I know, the people are actually able to complete the missions. It would be great if the movies ended each time in total failure, with Tom Cruise turning to the camera and saying, "Well, it was an impossible mission.")

Well, my new job starts on Wednesday. So I have tomorrow to get this fucking phone in line. I'm heading back to the Verizon store tomorrow. Really excited about that. My friend told me that when I go in, to tell the folks there to talk to me as if I'm seventy years old. And that's what I will do. In the meantime, I'm shutting the fucker off again.