Alternative Fact: August 9, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The White House has installed two hundred new phone lines in order to keep up with the incredible number of phone calls Donald Trump receives from the infatuated citizenry of this country who just can't stop contacting him to express their gratitude and fealty. "Everyone praises me," Donald said. "Everyone loves me and thinks I'm the greatest. I have gotten phone calls from every single person on the planet saying that my speeches are the greatest they've ever heard, and to thank me for water and the sun and scented candles and avocados and walls and disco and the color blue."