Alternative Fact: September 1, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Though it was hushed up at the time, portions of a police report involving Kellyanne Conway have now surfaced. Apparently, Ms. Bowling Green Massacre Conway was found on the side of a Washington D.C. street late one night by an off-duty officer. Disheveled, dirty, and in a horrifying state of undress, Conway was unable to account for herself, nor for the blood staining her lips and hands. She simply kept repeating that Donald Trump's inauguration was the largest ever. The blood turned out to be rat's blood, and a cooler full of rodents was found in her abandoned vehicle several blocks away. No charges were pressed.