Sunday, December 31, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 31, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump revealed his New Year's resolution to a young intern at FOX News. "My New Year's resolution, young lady, is to spend every last cent in the U.S. treasury on my vacations," he told the woman. "I will be at my great Mar-A-Lago resort at least four days a week in 2018. When there is no more money left, I'll probably resign." Trump then patted the young woman's behind and extended an invitation for her to join him on his next vacation.
Monday, December 25, 2017
Gift Wrapping, Christmas 2017 Edition
I've gotten into this habit of cutting out
pictures and adding them to the wrapping of presents that I give to
people. I also take photos of them, the idea being that these photos
will help me keep from repeating a joke. But some of these photos still
make me laugh. I'm hoping they'll have the same effect on you. You might
notice a theme with some of this year's wrapping. Enjoy.
Friday, December 22, 2017
Photos From Work
Here are a few photos I took at work recently, for whatever they're worth.
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| I'm not sure what this is about. |
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| Please clean Stage 7 by the door. |
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| Christmas gift: a six-hour day at Warner Bros. Thanks! |
Alternative Fact: December 22, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump fired all his political advisors today, saying they're unnecessary since he gets all his information from one source, the television show FOX & Friends. When criticized by reporters for limiting himself to one dubious source, Donald defended his decision, adding, "All the information from FOX & Friends is also verified by my poisonous pet snake Jasper."
Thursday, December 21, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 21, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, now realizing he can get away with anything, bragged to reporters: "I took away health care from millions of Americans, sneaking a provision into the tax bill to repeal Obamacare. I told the other Republicans to keep quiet about it, but now I can tell you it was all my idea." Then, not being able to stop himself, he added: "I raped that thirteen-year-old girl, then threatened to kill her if she went ahead with the lawsuit. No one can touch me because I'm the president and I'm making America great again."
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 20, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A person with as much integrity as Donald Trump has would never use the highest political office of our nation to pass a tax bill that would benefit himself.
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 19, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Sources close to Mike Pence revealed that the reason behind the vice president's recent animosity toward Donald Trump is that he learned that Donald once paid for Ivanka to have an abortion after getting her pregnant. "Hey, at that time I was a Democrat," Trump explained to Pence. "And besides, I didn't want another retarded son."
Monday, December 18, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 18, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump reportedly visits several grammar schools regularly, keeping tabs on the development of possible future wives for that moment in the near future when Melania's contract expires.
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Trump Supporters Are Idiots, Round Nine
Why am I still surprised by how stupid Trump supporters are? Of course they'd have to be morons to support an asshole like Donald Trump.
On Donald Trump's Twitter page, I posted this yesterday: The gift on everyone's wish list this year is Donald Trump's lifeless head on a spike. That would indeed make it a merry Christmas!
Today a fool named Mike Obrigewitch felt a need to respond.
Mike Obrigewitch: Hopefully that statement back fires on you Doherty
Me: You used the word "hopefully" incorrectly. Also, "backfires" is one word, not two. Also, you need a comma after the word "you," and some sort of punctuation at the end. Typical Trump supporter has no education. Trump supporters are by far the dumbest fucks to ever walk upright.
Mike Obrigewitch: What your a grammar cop to and you are one of the liberal assholes that thinks he’s always right and as soon as your called on Something you try and make yourself a self righteous no it all
Me: Many more mistakes in your new post. Go back to school. Once you've completed a sixth grade education, then - and only then - may you comment on my posts.
Mike Obrigewitch is also too fucking stupid to know when to quit. He continued...
Mike Obrigewitch: Doherty your back you must have gone upstairs to give one of your mothers boyfriends a hummer so you must have had your head on a spike. Now I know where you found that line about Trumps head,your living it
Mike Obrigewitch: And I’m not writing a book so who really gives a fk about grammar just a crybaby liberal like yourself
Ha! Obviously, he's not writing a book. Obviously, he has not read a book either.
Me: Typical answer from an idiot with no education, saying that education doesn't matter. You are a waste of skin and bone.
Mike Obridgewitch: But I’m not a crybaby losing liberal
I love that last response, in which he admits to being an idiot with no education, and a waste of skin and bone. Somehow he thinks that being an idiot and a complete waste of skin and bone is better than being liberal. Where do these assholes come from?
On Donald Trump's Twitter page, I posted this yesterday: The gift on everyone's wish list this year is Donald Trump's lifeless head on a spike. That would indeed make it a merry Christmas!
Today a fool named Mike Obrigewitch felt a need to respond.
Mike Obrigewitch: Hopefully that statement back fires on you Doherty
Me: You used the word "hopefully" incorrectly. Also, "backfires" is one word, not two. Also, you need a comma after the word "you," and some sort of punctuation at the end. Typical Trump supporter has no education. Trump supporters are by far the dumbest fucks to ever walk upright.
Mike Obrigewitch: What your a grammar cop to and you are one of the liberal assholes that thinks he’s always right and as soon as your called on Something you try and make yourself a self righteous no it all
Me: Many more mistakes in your new post. Go back to school. Once you've completed a sixth grade education, then - and only then - may you comment on my posts.
Mike Obrigewitch is also too fucking stupid to know when to quit. He continued...
Mike Obrigewitch: Doherty your back you must have gone upstairs to give one of your mothers boyfriends a hummer so you must have had your head on a spike. Now I know where you found that line about Trumps head,your living it
Mike Obrigewitch: And I’m not writing a book so who really gives a fk about grammar just a crybaby liberal like yourself
Ha! Obviously, he's not writing a book. Obviously, he has not read a book either.
Me: Typical answer from an idiot with no education, saying that education doesn't matter. You are a waste of skin and bone.
Mike Obridgewitch: But I’m not a crybaby losing liberal
I love that last response, in which he admits to being an idiot with no education, and a waste of skin and bone. Somehow he thinks that being an idiot and a complete waste of skin and bone is better than being liberal. Where do these assholes come from?
Friday, December 15, 2017
More Gift Wrapping
I've gotten into this habit of cutting out
pictures and adding them to the wrapping of presents that I give to
people. I also take photos of them, the idea being that these photos
will help me keep from repeating a joke. But some of these photos still make me laugh. I'm hoping they'll have the same effect on you. These are from last year, actually (I forgot to post them until now). I will post the more recent ones soon. Enjoy.
Alternative Fact: December 15, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Moments after posing for their first official White House Christmas photo, Donald Trump and his expensive prostitute elated their followers by announcing that copies of the photo would be available at the Donald Trump online store for a mere sixty dollars.
Thursday, December 14, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 14, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): In a public statement, Roy Moore railed against rampant immorality, saying that sodomy is only okay if you get permission from the child's parents.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 13, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Although Roy Moore lost the election yesterday, Donald Trump said he will hold him to his promise of a party of blond thirteen-year-old girls, which Moore pledged in exchange for Trump's support. "I have the Secret Service busy making 'Ivanka' name tags for the girls," Donald told reporters.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 12, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, concerned that the networks are going to recast his role as president, or perhaps even cancel the presidency altogether, after poor ratings caused several sponsors to drop their support, is now working to produce a special holiday episode. "I promise that several of your favorite old cast members are going to appear in this one," he told the puppets at FOX News. "People like Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus and Anthony Scaramucci and Sebastian Gorka and Tom Price and Katie Walsh and Mike Dubke and Sally Yates and Michael Short. The list goes on and on. You're not going to want to miss this episode. It's going to be great."
Monday, December 11, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 11, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Last night Donald Trump was found once again wandering the halls of the White House in only his Nazi underwear, mumbling about journalists and wielding a cardboard sword hastily covered with aluminum foil. As is now standard operating procedure, White House security officials used tranquilizer darts to take him down. They used more than usual, however, and as a result Donald Trump will not be able to appear in public today.
Friday, December 8, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 8, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump endorsed Roy Moore after Moore promised to throw a special party for Trump in which all the guests would be thirteen-year-old blond girls wearing "Ivanka" name tags.
Thursday, December 7, 2017
Alternative Fact: December 7, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has stipulated that upon his death his possessions are to be buried with him, including his prostitute Melania, his lover Ivanka and his pet lizard Kellyanne.
Friday, November 3, 2017
Donald Trump Is A Fucking Moron
Now, obviously his post is insulting. Donald Trump is a total asshole. But his post also contains a number of grammatical errors. Here are my responses to him:
- Did you mean to type, "Let's go, FBI & Justice Dept."? Or are you saying that Pocahontas let go of the FBI and the Justice Dept.?
- Also, Hillary Clinton isn't "legendary." She's an actual person that we are sure exists.
- Also, did you mean to type "led by" instead of "lead by"? Donald, you are a fucking moron, aren't you? So many mistakes in so short a post.
Monday, September 25, 2017
Photo From Work: Chatsworth, I think
This is a photo from two or three weeks ago, when I was working on a splinter unit. Short day for me. And no, we weren't shooting on the train tracks. This was just the view from one of my lock-ups, near the stunt driver's starting mark.
Sunday, September 3, 2017
Alternative Facts Hiatus
I've decided to take a break from the daily alternative facts. I started writing them because I needed a humorous outlet for my anger and despair over the state of the country. And for a while it was amusing. But I just don't want to engage those Nazi assholes anymore. Or, at least, not for a while. I need a break. It's too fucking depressing. Trump supporters are the stupidest, most despicable cretins to walk upright, and I've had it with them. I wish every last person who deliberately voted for Donald Trump would disappear from existence. Anyway, I've posted 202 alternative facts, and in the process I've learned a few things.
Things I've learned
Things I've learned
- Trump supporters don't understand the concept of "alternative facts." They often respond to my posts by saying I'm lying or that I'm making stuff up. They likely don't remember Kellyanne Bowling Green Massacre Conway's statement about Sean Spicer's lie, which began the whole thing.
- Trump supporters are incredibly gullible.
- Trump supporters believe that anyone who dislikes their leader must then love Hillary Clinton. Things are that simple for them.
- Trump supporters are not capable of distinguishing between "your" and "you're."
- Trump supporters are unaware of privacy settings on Facebook. They often go to my Facebook page, and when they can't see anything, they gleefully comment that my profile is fake, and that I am a paid protester.
- Trump supporters repeat the delusional claims made by their leader. For example, they often reply to my posts by saying "Fake news!" What is more alarming - and potentially dangerous - is that they are also willing and eager to hate whomever their leader seems to hate at any given moment - Hillary Clinton, Barrack Obama, CNN, Muslims, Mexicans, Maxine Waters, Mika Brzezinski, Meryl Streep and so on.
- Trump supporters love exclamation points. Many of them don't have access to any other punctuation.
- Donald Trump appeals to the very worst of Americans.
- Trump supporters are eager Nazis, and often brag of reporting me to the authorities. (Well, sometimes the "authorities" they report me to are just Facebook and Twitter, which is funny.)
- Donald Trump, or someone working for him, has been reading my posts, because many recent posts have been deleted from Facebook (and marked as "spam"). They've also been deleted from the Fox News Facebook page. Perhaps it's the same person deleting them. That would not surprise me.
Saturday, September 2, 2017
Alternative Fact: September 2, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Startling new information has come to light regarding EPA chief Scott Pruitt. It seems that he has been paid handsomely by an alien race that has designs on our planet. According to leaked documents, these aliens cannot breathe oxygen, nor drink clean water. So they have enlisted the help of a man unbound by ethical concerns, paying him to prepare our world for their arrival by irreparably damaging the environment to better suit their needs. When confronted with this information, Pruitt said: "I serve whatever corporation pays me the most. That's the American way."
Friday, September 1, 2017
Alternative Fact: September 1, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Though it was hushed up at the time, portions of a police report involving Kellyanne Conway have now surfaced. Apparently, Ms. Bowling Green Massacre Conway was found on the side of a Washington D.C. street late one night by an off-duty officer. Disheveled, dirty, and in a horrifying state of undress, Conway was unable to account for herself, nor for the blood staining her lips and hands. She simply kept repeating that Donald Trump's inauguration was the largest ever. The blood turned out to be rat's blood, and a cooler full of rodents was found in her abandoned vehicle several blocks away. No charges were pressed.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Another 100 Days Of Alternative Facts
Donald Trump began occupying the White House on January 20, 2017. Sean
Spicer (who is now one of the many who have gone away), in his first statement to the press, lied about how many people
attended the inauguration. On January 22nd, lizard shell Kellyanne
Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet The Press that Sean Spicer
presented "alternative facts." And the lies haven't stopped since. Only a
week later, Kellyanne Conway invented the Bowling Green Massacre. And
let's not forget the microwave camera. Of course, most of the lies
haven't been as humorous as the camera. No truths come from the White
House. Donald Trump is a pathological liar, and not a single statement
he makes is to be trusted. We have only alternative facts. On February
13th, I began posting daily alternative facts. I'd hoped to post only a
few, but somehow Donald Trump is still occupying the White House (when
he's not on one of his many golf vacations, that is). I've posted two hundred
alternative facts. The first one hundred can be found here. When will this horror end? Well, in case you just
returned to Earth and missed some of the alternative facts and need to
know what's been going on in the country (or what's not been going on in
the country), here are the most recent hundred, in order.
May
24: Though she doesn't do it all that often, Kellyanne Conway has the ability to change the color of her skin to match her surroundings. Sean Spicer says it is her single most admirable trait, and he has expressed the wish that he were able to camouflage himself too. "I would like to be green like my friends, the hedges," Spicer said.
25: Donald Trump put in a bid for Jerusalem's Western Wall. After personally inspecting the wall himself and finding it secure, he explained to the folks there that it would be put to better use on the U.S./Mexico border keeping out rapists and drug dealers.
26: Donald Trump expressed disbelief over the uproar caused when he pushed aside the prime minister of Montenegro. "Look, I am the star of the show," Donald reminded the world. "The audience wants to see the star, and no extras should block their view of him." He then had Sean Spicer contact Central Casting to make sure that extra would not be hired for future episodes.
27: Donald Trump met with Pope Francis this week, hoping to hire the holy man to perform an exorcism on James Comey and anyone else who might offer damaging testimony. "I'll be able to pay you a lot of money," Donald assured the pope. "My new budget frees up billions of dollars that would have been wasted on the poor." The pope seemed reluctant, and no deal was finalized before the Trumps had to leave, but Donald was confident that something would be arranged soon. "I'm great at making deals," Donald bragged.
28: Rather than argue with Donald Trump's insane declaration that he is suffering the "single greatest witch hunt" in history, people have decided to embrace the idea and are eager to hunt him down and burn him at the stake. Representatives of the city of Salem, Massachusetts have put in a bid to have Donald's public cleansing held there, and sales of marshmallows have tripled in the area.
29: Upset at not being the center of attention on Memorial Day, Donald Trump today claimed that he was killed during his extensive military service in Vietnam, and demanded there be parades in his honor.
30: Donald Trump has decided to replace the entire White House staff with robots made in China. "They make great robots there," Donald told the press. "You can get the robots to do whatever you want. My Ivanka robot gives me pleasure every morning." Donald later admitted that he couldn't get his Melania robot to work.
31: Sean Spicer told the press that Donald Trump loves language, and that his creation of new words is a result of that love, and not, as many have surmised, a symptom of the dementia that he suffers from. Spicer concluded the press briefing by saying "Covfefe," then quickly hid behind a strategically placed bush before any questions could be asked.
June
1: Donald Trump has announced plans to launch his own probe to investigate citizens who don't respond favorably to his demented posts on Twitter and Facebook. "Obviously, these people are paid by the Russians," Donald said. "Russians are a great, great people. But these people who are paid by the Russians to leave bad comments about me are not great."
2: Donald Trump swore that even though half of his followers on Twitter are fake, paid-for accounts, he would not stop working to make America great for them. "I will make America so great that they will become real," Donald said. "Just like Melania's love for me."
3: A source close to Donald Trump leaked a portion of what Donald is calling "Donald's Great Solution," the goal of this plan being to destroy the entire planet. "Donald is old and demented, and knows he's going to die soon," the source said. "But he just can't stand the idea of the Earth existing without him, so he's working to have the planet destroyed by the time of his own death. Withdrawing from the Paris climate accord was just one step toward this goal."
4: The only man working harder than Donald Trump is Donald Trump's therapist, who is trying desperately to help the president come to terms with being laughed at. According to several sources, Donald's therapist even organized a group of White House staff members to stand facing Donald and to begin laughing at him on cue. The results did not meet the therapist's hopes or expectations. Donald immediately fired all staff members involved in the exercise. "Now see if they laugh," he boasted before taking a nap.
5: There was a brief panic in the White House today, when Donald Trump started shouting that his pet snake Jasper had gotten loose from his cage. Several staff members exited the building after Donald said the large, poisonous snake was angry and incoherent. It turned out to be a false alarm, however. Jasper was still in his cage. It was Kellyanne Conway who had somehow gotten loose. But within moments she was captured, sedated and returned to her cardboard box.
6: Republicans are asking citizens to cut Donald Trump some slack with regard to his use of Twitter, reminding them that he is under a lot of pressure. "Donald is not used to being awake for more than six hours a day, and most of those early morning Twitter posts were dictated by his six-foot long poisonous snake, Jasper," a Republican spokesperson told reporters. "Jasper wakes Donald every morning, demanding to be heard, and does not give Donald sufficient time to think about the messages before they are posted." Jasper was unavailable for comment.
7: Word has leaked from the White House that Donald Trump used government funds to purchase several television spots to help sell his Muslim Ban under its new brand name, Travel Ban. "Hire some beautiful blond models to appear in the ads," he instructed an intern. "If that doesn't work, then I just don't understand America anymore."
8: Visitors to the White House yesterday were alarmed when their tour brought them to Donald Trump sprawled across a couch near the lobby. Because he seemed non-responsive, one tourist took out his cell phone to call 911, until the tour guide assured him this was Trump's normal state for much of the day. She even encouraged each of the tourists to poke him and leave "Thank you" notes taped to his body. "Don't worry, housekeeping will clean him up before dinner," the tour guide promised.
9: A group of girl scouts made the deadly mistake of trying to ply their wares at the White House. After being personally escorted into the Oval Office by Donald Trump, they were not heard from again. When asked about the missing girls by reporters, Donald stuck his fingers in his ears and said, "You're fake news, I'm not listening, nah nah nah-nah nah." However, a little later he was overheard bragging to hideous goblin Steve Bannon, "I ate those little blond cookies."
10: Donald Trump let Kellyanne Conway out of her cardboard box in order to conduct a poll of his popularity on Twitter. Hoping to gain permanent freedom by appeasing her master, Kellyanne reported that 100% of those polled thought Donald was doing the best job of any president in the history of the country. When she was returned to her box afterward, an annoyed Kellyanne admitted that she only polled Donald's fake followers, and even then had to cheat a bit.
11: A new report has surfaced, indicating that thousands of the fake Twitter accounts set up to support Donald Trump have now turned against him and are demanding his immediate resignation.
12: It turns out that Donald Trump did not block anyone on Twitter, at least not personally. Members of his staff, in an effort to keep him as pleasant as possible, have taken it upon themselves to block Twitter users who they fear might upset the thin-skinned leader. "Because Donald is so quick to anger, we do our best to keep all negative comments away from him," one White House staff member said. "And that, as you can imagine, is incredibly difficult, as pretty much everyone hates him."
13: Donald Trump admitted this morning that he does not have any recordings of his conversations with James Comey, though not because he thinks it would be wrong to secretly tape someone, but rather because he couldn't figure out how to turn the machine on. "These things are very complicated," Trump said. "Who knew espionage could be so complicated?"
14: Melania Trump has moved into the White House. It took weeks of renegotiating her contract, but finally she and Donald, along with their respective lawyers, were able to hammer out a deal in which she would move into the White House in exchange for a large, but undisclosed sum. According to this deal, Melania will not sleep in the same room as Donald, but will be seen in public with him once a week. If Donald wishes to have her accompany him to a second government function in any given week, he will have to pay her another fee. According to the lawyers, the contract is for one year, as neither of them thinks Donald's presidency will extend beyond that time period.
15: Donald Trump is considering taking a break from his job as president in order to film a new season of The Apprentice. "It's such a great show, but it's only great when I'm on it," he told reporters. When asked who would run the country while he was busy with the television show, Trump answered, "Don't worry, I'll still be running things really, but I plan on giving the country to my sons so there will be no conflict of interest." Reporters were too stunned to ask any follow-up questions.
16: Undercover reporters have learned the secret hazing procedures of Republicans, which include public defecation on either a copy of the First Amendment or the Roe V. Wade decision (most choose to do this late at night, so as not to be seen). Once he or she has gone through the hazing process, there is also a special ceremony in which the soul is symbolically removed from the neophyte. At the end of the ceremony the newly born Republican is given a hundred-dollar bill that had been intended for charity.
17: At a press briefing, Donald Trump claimed that recent polls showing his low approval rating are false. "My approval rating is very high," he said. "The highest of anyone ever, after you subtract those three million people who were polled illegally."
18: According to several witnesses, when Ivanka wished Donald Trump a happy Father's Day this morning, he grabbed her roughly, said "Call me Daddy," and then revealed he's not her biological father. When asked about the encounter minutes later, Ivanka insisted she's Donald's biological daughter and that her inheritance is not in question.
19: Donald Trump was pleased with the praise given to him by his cabinet members at the recent meeting. But after reviewing the footage multiple times, he realized each had basically said the same thing as the last, and so he has imposed a new rule for future cabinet meetings. Everyone will still be required to compliment and praise Trump, of course, but there can be no repeated compliments. Because of this new order, cabinet members have expressed an eagerness to arrive early in order to get a good position at the table so as to be able to go first.
20: Donald Trump's lawyer has promised to be as honest as Donald himself, and so he issued a statement saying that Donald has never done anything wrong in his entire life and is not under investigation.
21: The laboratory where an earlier mishap resulted in the creation of Betsy DeVos suffered another major setback last night when vandals broke in and damaged specimens of what were reputed to be intelligent Republicans, something new the government was developing.
22: Donald Trump has been hard at work preparing short comments about both his resignation and his impeachment for Twitter. He is hoping that by being prepared, he'll be able to avoid those embarrassing misspellings and other errors that plague most of his posts.
23: Sean Spicer is excited about his life after the Trump regime. "I've decided to find a nice residential area and live among the well-trimmed hedges," he told reporters. He added that he thought he wouldn't encounter trouble from the residents, as he has perfected his hiding methods and believes he will not be detected.
24: Trump merchandising is bringing in a lot of money for the president, who doesn't let pass any opportunity to make a buck. In addition to hats, T-shirts, mugs, banners and golf sets, the man occupying the White House is now selling Donald and Ivanka dolls, which come as a set. While the Ivanka doll is fully poseable, with multiple points of articulation, some followers have expressed disappointment that the Donald doll is completely stiff. "The only thing that moves is his hair," said one discouraged Republican.
25: Donald Trump has commissioned a Trump monument to be built in Washington, D.C. After learning of the existence of the Lincoln and Washington monuments, Donald began planning his own, and recently bragged to the White House staff that his monument will tower over the others. He also expressed shock that it costs nothing to visit the Lincoln and Washington monuments. "Mine is going to cost at least twenty dollars per person," he said.
26: White House security forces were called to Melania's room when she reported a fat, hideous intruder attempting to get into bed with her. It took several men and a box of doughnuts to coax the president back to his own room.
27: For those families in danger of having their food stamps cut, Kellyanne "Bowling Green Massacre" Conway offers a simple solution, one that is common practice among her own extended family: they should eat their young.
28: According to Donald Trump, ambassadors and dignitaries visiting this country are thrilled with their official gifts from the White House - Donald Trump mugs and Donald Trump T-shirts, items left over from the campaign. "I give great, great gifts," Donald bragged to reporters.
29: Donald Trump loves his own image so much that he has commissioned fake magazine covers featuring photos of him and words of praise. In addition to several fake Time covers which are displayed prominently on all his properties, Donald Trump can be seen on fake covers of People, Men's Fitness, Muscular Development, Muscle & Fitness, Spirituality & Health, Signal and - of course - Self.
30: Graduates of Trump University have had tremendous success in a variety of fields. Some are now serving food in a timely manner; others are responsible for transporting children to school; while still others are helping the environment by removing recyclable materials from trash bins.
July
1: Donald Trump has commissioned a new national anthem to be written, the lyrics of which will be all about him and how he's making America great again. "I got the idea after Ivanka told me about that great new law in the Philippines," Donald told reporters. "I'd like to do something similar here, but if the people are going to be forced to sing passionately, we have to give them lyrics they can be passionate about."
2: Jeff Sessions and Mitch McConnell get together one weekend a year to play Plantation, a game in which they recreate the delightful time of the early 1800s. Several homeless black people are rounded up to portray their slaves. There is an elegant ball, a large banquet and a dunk tank. At the end of the weekend, Sessions and McConnell free the homeless people and give them each a confederate flag and a box of leftovers.
3: Donald Trump ridiculed Mike Pence for saying he is uncomfortable being alone with any woman other than his wife. Meanwhile, all women - including Melania and Ivanka - say they are uncomfortable being alone with pussy-grabbing Donald Trump.
4: Donald Trump now claims that he deliberately includes misspellings in his Twitter posts in order to appeal to his followers. "Every time I misspell something they love me more because they think I'm one of them," Donald said recently.
5: Mike Pence flew into a rage when Donald Trump continued posting on Twitter while he read the president his nightly bedtime story. "If you're not going to pay attention, I'm going to put the book away," the vice president said. Donald then threatened to replace him with Steve Bannon, who, according to Donald, is a better storyteller anyway.
6: Video footage of Donald Trump wandering away from his waiting limousine gave Ivanka new hope of avoiding her father. "All I have to do is stand directly in front of him," she said. "Chances are good that he won't see me." To increase her chances of remaining undetected, she stated she'll dress in all black and place television cameras off to her left to distract the predator.
7: Donald Trump has chosen to address no specific agenda in his meeting with his old pal Vladimir Putin in large part because an agenda would require some reading. Donald has given up reading entirely, and prefers to receive his information in short rhymes sung to him by a man dressed in a bunny costume (that man, by the way, is Sean Spicer).
8: Trump now claims that his many medications have had an unforeseen side effect, giving him the ability to become invisible to certain people. "That's why the first lady of Poland walked right past me when I tried to shake her hand," Trump said. "I was invisible to her. I have great, great plans for how to use this ability to make America great again. And I'll be spending a lot more time in Ivanka's room."
9: Defending Ivanka's right to take his seat at the G20 leaders' table, Donald Trump said, "I always like Ivanka to keep Daddy's seat warm."
10: The entire world broke out in spontaneous celebration when video footage revealed that Donald Trump is capable of retrieving a hat. Previously, it was thought this sort of action was beyond his limited abilities. People are beside themselves with joy. It is now being said that this single act might bring about world peace, even though the hat blew off again immediately, and Donald was unable to get it a second time.
11: It is now clear that Donald Trump's travel ban has targeted several of Melania's old clients, people Donald fears may try to get in touch with her again. Donald has repeatedly told Melania she is not allowed to see any of her previous johns, but he has been filled with doubt since she stopped admitting him into her bedroom.
12: Donald Trump stated again that none of the women who accused him of sexual harassment were pretty enough for him to assault. "Why would I go after those ugly women when I can have Ivanka any time I want to?" Donald said. "It just doesn't make sense." He also repeated his claim that his being president keeps him safe from any and all legal actions against him. "I can say whatever I want about those ugly women, but no one can say nasty things about me, because I'm the president," Donald boasted.
13: Donald Trump, now wishing to distance himself from his son, told a reporter that he doesn't know Donald Trump Jr. "Our names being similar is just a coincidence," Donald said. He then added, "I've never even spoken with the boy."
14: The White House is working perfectly, just as Donald Trump claims.
15: Even Donald Trump's imaginary friend Jim no longer wants anything to do with the president. It has been several weeks since Donald has been able to contact him. In a real statement, fake friend Jim told the press he and Donald disagreed "on that whole Russia thing," and that was what ended their friendship.
16: Donald managed to avoid grabbing anyone by the pussy at the women's golf tournament. This was not, however, a display of his willpower, but rather the result of a small electronic device attached to his genitals, which provided a moderate shock each time he started to reach toward a woman. It was the first time that women felt comfortable around the creepy bastard since his early childhood.
17: Donald Trump, in a moment of exasperation, stated that even if he and Pence and the rest are impeached, the Democrats will never get their hands on Jasper, Donald's giant poisonous snake. "Jasper is completely capable of running the show himself," Donald said. "I've left him in charge multiple times, whenever I go golfing. And he's the one who tells me which bits of paper to sign, and even how to hold the pen."
18: Donald Trump was quick to support Department of Education Candice E. Jackson's belief that ninety percent of rapes and sexual assaults are simply the result of having a bit too much to drink followed later by regrets, and aren't crimes at all. "That's exactly what happened with me and that thirteen-year-old girl," Donald said. "We both just had a lot to drink, and then later when I untied her, she had second thoughts. Case closed."
19: After hearing a recent study found that the majority of Republicans think universities are bad for the country, Donald Trump was quick to agree. "If people weren't as educated, I would have even more supporters," he told a reporter.
20: Kellyanne Conway denied charges of cannibalism, insisting that she thrives solely on a diet of Donald Trump's excrement. "I gobble up every last morsel he leaves for me," she told reporters. "And he leaves plenty."
21: Melania Trump has given up on her promised anti-bullying campaign, and instead is going to focus her energy and time on something closer to her own experience: helping prostitutes get better footwear. "They are out walking the streets all night, often in last year's fashions," she said. "My goal is to replace those shoes with ones that are both sexy and practical."
22: Sean Spicer has resigned from his post as White House Press Secretary in order to return to the job he has loved most in his life, that of White House Easter Bunny. "I just love dressing up," Spicer said. "Once a year, I can roll around on the White House lawn in my furry costume, and no one can see my face because of the giant bunny head." When reporters pointed out that the job works only one weekend a year, Sean Spicer returned to another favorite subject. "The rest of the time I can live among the hedges and bushes," he said. "I am working on a new costume made entirely of pine needles, which I plan to unveil at next year's national botany convention."
23: Donald Trump went out of his way to take part in the commissioning ceremony for the USS Gerald R. Ford, a not-quite-subtle way to remind people that soon he too will need to be pardoned. "Gerald Ford was a great man," Donald said at the ceremony. "And today we celebrate the wonderful thing he did for another great president."
24: When a reporter for a parenting magazine accused Donald Trump of having a favorite child, Donald replied: "Of course I do! Would you want to fuck Eric or Don Jr. or Tiffany?"
25: Donald Trump spoke at a Boy Scouts event, finding an audience there that shared his level of political knowledge and acumen. Feeling secure among the boys after each of them signed a loyalty oath and donned a Trump armband, Donald teased them about the size of the event's turnout, pointing out that more people attended his inauguration. He thanked the boys for voting for him, gave them advice on running a real estate business and attacking their enemies, then instructed them to find some Girl Scouts and bring them to his hotel room. "Only pretty ones," he cautioned them. "Girls that look like young Ivankas."
26: When Donald Trump erroneously said that the Affordable Health Care Act was put in place seventeen years ago, it was because he believes he has been in office for ten years. "I have been president for at least a decade, and I have done so many great things," he was heard muttering to himself as he wandered about the White House grounds.
27: Donald Trump was discovered hiding under his desk in the Oval Office today. "They can't impeach me if they can't find me," he told a White House staff member. "Crouching under a desk protects us from nuclear disaster, so certainly it will protect me from the fake media, the FBI and impeachment."
28: Donald Trump has begun taking bids for a special addition to Mount Rushmore. The work will be complicated by the fact that rock will actually have to be added as well as sculpted. "Since I am the greatest president this world has ever seen, I think my face should be bigger than all the rest combined," Donald announced at his latest self-love rally. He added that he believed some minor changes would have to be made to the existing sculpture as well. "I want those other guys to look up at me, admiringly," Donald explained. "Just like they would if they really existed."
29: After feeling personally betrayed by the Senate, Donald Trump locked himself in a White House bathroom, communicating with his cohorts only via text messages. After a few hours, the new, slightly less feminine Sean Spicer told reporters: "The Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that Donald Trump has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away."
30: Betsy DeVos repeated her claim that she is not part of a Satanic cult, insisting she has no idea how the charred remains of several children found their way into her home. "It's a mystery," she told reporters. "Just like God."
31: Eric Trump is the newest Trump family member being investigated by the FBI. However, in his case, the investigation has nothing to do with connections to Russia. Rather, it's about Eric's potential to cause harm to himself and to others. Eric's suicide letter was discovered late yesterday, and in it he talks about killing his entire family before killing himself. Many people have voiced the opinion that Eric should be left alone to go about his business.
August
1: Nine-year-old Dylan's correspondence with the president was abruptly halted by his parents after Donald Trump asked him if he had a younger sister available.
2: Deidre Scaramucci, in a new interview, reveals the reason behind her divorce from the recently hired and fired communications director, and it has nothing to do with Anthony Scaramucci's temper and abusive nature, as had been previously reported. Rather, it is because he is obsessed with Steve Bannon's cock. "That's all he ever talks about," she told the reporter. "It's all he thinks about. I was pregnant, about to have his baby, and he could not have cared less. The only input I got from him was that he wanted to name the child Steve. I decided to go with James."
3: When Donald Trump purchased Kellyanne Conway's soul, he believed he was getting a bargain. But soon he discovered that at five dollars, he had grossly overpaid.
4: Suddenly realizing that they are responsible for their own actions, Republicans have promised to begin answering all criticism without resorting to attempts to redirect it against Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.
5: At his most recent self-love rally, Donald Trump claimed victory in the war on "beautiful clean coal," a war which claimed the lives of more than fifteen billion people last year alone. Now that the war is finally over, Time Life Books is putting together a twenty-volume series detailing every important skirmish, with portraits of many of the generals and foot soldiers who lost their lives in heroic coal fights.
6: When asked about the hypocrisy of taking a seventeen-day vacation after repeatedly criticizing President Obama for taking vacations, an irritated Donald Trump shouted: "It's not the same thing! I'm white!"
7: Stephen Miller, senior advisor to the president and avid Nazi memorabilia collector, is urging that the poem at the base of the Statue of Liberty be removed before more cosmopolitans and hopeful immigrants take it to heart.
8: During a recent television interview, the lights caused Ivanka Trump's plastic face to melt. The reporter conducting the interview and the film crew were horrified to discover that underneath Ivanka's plastic exterior lurks a bruised and frightened member of an alien race. "Please don't reveal my secret," the creature said. "As bad as it is being Donald's lover, it is actually even worse in the coal mines of my home world."
9: The White House has installed two hundred new phone lines in order to keep up with the incredible number of phone calls Donald Trump receives from the infatuated citizenry of this country who just can't stop contacting him to express their gratitude and fealty. "Everyone praises me," Donald said. "Everyone loves me and thinks I'm the greatest. I have gotten phone calls from every single person on the planet saying that my speeches are the greatest they've ever heard, and to thank me for water and the sun and scented candles and avocados and walls and disco and the color blue."
10: Lara Trump's new official propaganda show is the only source of real news in the entire country. A popular print advertisement for her show reads, "If you liked Joseph Goebbels, you'll love Lara Trump."
11: Knowing that he is nearing the end of his life, and that people couldn't bear to exist in a world without him, Donald Trump is planning an all-our nuclear war. It's his way of saying, "You're welcome."
12: According to staff at the Trump National Golf Course, Donald Trump's golf game has actually gotten worse in recent days, even though it's the one activity he spends time on. Of course, this decline in his ability has not been taken well by the thin-skinned lummox. Those close to the president admit that it has angered him to the extent that he's eager to prove his manhood by dropping bombs on somebody, anybody.
13: A Trump rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, turned violent yesterday when those gathered learned that a giant statue of Donald Trump would not be replacing that of Robert E. Lee.
14: Donald Trump has lent Melania to former KKK leader David Duke for two nights as thanks for the special rally thrown in Trump's honor in Charlottesville on Saturday.
15: As Donald Trump slips further into senility, he has become dangerous even to those closest to him, sometimes not able to recognize his allies and owners. "The fucking dog bit me," Steve Bannon said about the president. "I was in the middle of feeding him, and he started snarling and then lunged at me." Steve then added, "We may have to put the fucker down."
16: Donald Trump is determined to go to war with North Korea because his poisonous pet snake Jasper told him that all news originates there. "I will meet the fake news with fire and fury, like the failing New York Times has never seen," he told reporters.
17: Donald Trump has begun holding press conferences in his mind, silently answering questions he would like reporters to ask, then announcing to the world that he's just had a big press conference. After all, everything is big and great in Donald Trump's mind. "No more questions," he told a stunned reporter when he'd finished daydreaming. "It's time for my nap."
18: Nazi hunters are coming out of retirement now that they are needed again. This time their task should be easier, as a significant number of Nazis all work in the same prominent white building in Washington, D.C.
19: Donald Trump has decided to replace Steve Bannon with his poisonous snake, Jasper. "Jasper is the only one I really trust," Donald told reporters. "Because every morning he makes a point of telling me how great I am."
20: Steve Bannon now claims that Barron Trump is his son. "Haven't you noticed the similarities in the names?" Bannon said. "Bannon, Barron. There's a reason for that." He responded to skepticism by telling reporters: "Look, anyone with dough can have a go at Melania. It's not like she's burdened with morals, or with any affection for Donald."
21: Not only has Mike Pence written several drafts of a speech accepting the burden of presidency and mourning the loss of Donald Trump, but he has also already purchased the coffin in which Donald Trump's bloated corpse will be carted through the streets of Washington, D.C. The coffin is being kept in a secret room on the second floor of the White House, an area that Trump never visits because of his intense fear of stairs.
22: One activity that has become popular at Trump rallies is the Hayseed Pussy Grab. Participants run through the crowd, grabbing as many women by the pussy as possible. The winner gets a coupon for a free steak at a local restaurant. Three-time winner Bert Scheckel offers this advice to newcomers: "Remove your white hoods and robes and put down your torches before starting. You'll have greater mobility."
23: White House workers revealed that Kellyanne Conway now chews all of Donald Trump's food, and then spits it into his mouth for him to swallow. Donald had asked Melania to perform this important task, but she refused, saying she's not getting paid enough for that.
24: Donald Trump startled a family on a tour of the White House by stepping out from behind a door while not wearing any pants, babbling incoherently, and then trying to grab the family's two young girls. The girls were able to escape, and Donald wandered off down the corridor. "Donald Trump often wanders around the White House without any pants," a White House aide said. "We hardly notice anymore. Most of us are told to just ignore him and continue with our work, which doesn't concern him at all." The parents of the two girls have decided to not press charges.
25: There are many rooms in the White House where Donald Trump is not allowed, and so he is often found curled up in a hallway, crying, while others are busy working. Certain White House aides, feeling sorry for the senile goat, sometimes give him a ball of string or some trinket to keep him occupied until Ivanka or Mike Pence arrives to collect him.
26: Donald Trump in a short speech promised his followers that he would grant them all pardons for any future wrongdoings as long as they'll keep purchasing his Trump merchandise and patronizing his hotels and golf courses. "You are all great American, great consumers," he told the small crowd. "You all deserve pardons for whatever it is you might do over the next four years."
27: Donald Trump appeals to the religious right because of his deep spiritual nature and drive. "God and I are on equal footing," Donald said at a recent dinner meeting. "In fact, sometimes I appear to him in his dreams." Donald then added, "We're thinking of writing a book together, but we're having trouble deciding which of us should be the ghost writer."
28: When Donald Trump is able to read through an entire speech without making any mistakes or adding his own thoughts, he is allowed to have a dish of ice cream.
29: The alien in the plastic Ivanka outfit has now expressed an interest in returning to the coal mines of his home world. "I said before that being Donald Trump's lover was better than slaving in my planet's coal mines. I was wrong."
30: Donald Trump is designing a new United States flag to reflect the changes in our national identity. It will be part Nazi flag, part Confederate flag, but with gold edges and dollar signs in place of stars.
31: Donald Trump purchased a mental hospital yesterday in an effort to make his imminent stay seem like a matter of simply checking in on one of his properties. Rumor has it that a golf course will be added to the hospital grounds.
Two hundred days. That should be enough. I sincerely hope that Donald Trump and his entire racist regime are removed from the planet before another bloody hundred days pass.
May
24: Though she doesn't do it all that often, Kellyanne Conway has the ability to change the color of her skin to match her surroundings. Sean Spicer says it is her single most admirable trait, and he has expressed the wish that he were able to camouflage himself too. "I would like to be green like my friends, the hedges," Spicer said.
25: Donald Trump put in a bid for Jerusalem's Western Wall. After personally inspecting the wall himself and finding it secure, he explained to the folks there that it would be put to better use on the U.S./Mexico border keeping out rapists and drug dealers.
26: Donald Trump expressed disbelief over the uproar caused when he pushed aside the prime minister of Montenegro. "Look, I am the star of the show," Donald reminded the world. "The audience wants to see the star, and no extras should block their view of him." He then had Sean Spicer contact Central Casting to make sure that extra would not be hired for future episodes.
27: Donald Trump met with Pope Francis this week, hoping to hire the holy man to perform an exorcism on James Comey and anyone else who might offer damaging testimony. "I'll be able to pay you a lot of money," Donald assured the pope. "My new budget frees up billions of dollars that would have been wasted on the poor." The pope seemed reluctant, and no deal was finalized before the Trumps had to leave, but Donald was confident that something would be arranged soon. "I'm great at making deals," Donald bragged.
28: Rather than argue with Donald Trump's insane declaration that he is suffering the "single greatest witch hunt" in history, people have decided to embrace the idea and are eager to hunt him down and burn him at the stake. Representatives of the city of Salem, Massachusetts have put in a bid to have Donald's public cleansing held there, and sales of marshmallows have tripled in the area.
29: Upset at not being the center of attention on Memorial Day, Donald Trump today claimed that he was killed during his extensive military service in Vietnam, and demanded there be parades in his honor.
30: Donald Trump has decided to replace the entire White House staff with robots made in China. "They make great robots there," Donald told the press. "You can get the robots to do whatever you want. My Ivanka robot gives me pleasure every morning." Donald later admitted that he couldn't get his Melania robot to work.
31: Sean Spicer told the press that Donald Trump loves language, and that his creation of new words is a result of that love, and not, as many have surmised, a symptom of the dementia that he suffers from. Spicer concluded the press briefing by saying "Covfefe," then quickly hid behind a strategically placed bush before any questions could be asked.
June
1: Donald Trump has announced plans to launch his own probe to investigate citizens who don't respond favorably to his demented posts on Twitter and Facebook. "Obviously, these people are paid by the Russians," Donald said. "Russians are a great, great people. But these people who are paid by the Russians to leave bad comments about me are not great."
2: Donald Trump swore that even though half of his followers on Twitter are fake, paid-for accounts, he would not stop working to make America great for them. "I will make America so great that they will become real," Donald said. "Just like Melania's love for me."
3: A source close to Donald Trump leaked a portion of what Donald is calling "Donald's Great Solution," the goal of this plan being to destroy the entire planet. "Donald is old and demented, and knows he's going to die soon," the source said. "But he just can't stand the idea of the Earth existing without him, so he's working to have the planet destroyed by the time of his own death. Withdrawing from the Paris climate accord was just one step toward this goal."
4: The only man working harder than Donald Trump is Donald Trump's therapist, who is trying desperately to help the president come to terms with being laughed at. According to several sources, Donald's therapist even organized a group of White House staff members to stand facing Donald and to begin laughing at him on cue. The results did not meet the therapist's hopes or expectations. Donald immediately fired all staff members involved in the exercise. "Now see if they laugh," he boasted before taking a nap.
5: There was a brief panic in the White House today, when Donald Trump started shouting that his pet snake Jasper had gotten loose from his cage. Several staff members exited the building after Donald said the large, poisonous snake was angry and incoherent. It turned out to be a false alarm, however. Jasper was still in his cage. It was Kellyanne Conway who had somehow gotten loose. But within moments she was captured, sedated and returned to her cardboard box.
6: Republicans are asking citizens to cut Donald Trump some slack with regard to his use of Twitter, reminding them that he is under a lot of pressure. "Donald is not used to being awake for more than six hours a day, and most of those early morning Twitter posts were dictated by his six-foot long poisonous snake, Jasper," a Republican spokesperson told reporters. "Jasper wakes Donald every morning, demanding to be heard, and does not give Donald sufficient time to think about the messages before they are posted." Jasper was unavailable for comment.
7: Word has leaked from the White House that Donald Trump used government funds to purchase several television spots to help sell his Muslim Ban under its new brand name, Travel Ban. "Hire some beautiful blond models to appear in the ads," he instructed an intern. "If that doesn't work, then I just don't understand America anymore."
8: Visitors to the White House yesterday were alarmed when their tour brought them to Donald Trump sprawled across a couch near the lobby. Because he seemed non-responsive, one tourist took out his cell phone to call 911, until the tour guide assured him this was Trump's normal state for much of the day. She even encouraged each of the tourists to poke him and leave "Thank you" notes taped to his body. "Don't worry, housekeeping will clean him up before dinner," the tour guide promised.
9: A group of girl scouts made the deadly mistake of trying to ply their wares at the White House. After being personally escorted into the Oval Office by Donald Trump, they were not heard from again. When asked about the missing girls by reporters, Donald stuck his fingers in his ears and said, "You're fake news, I'm not listening, nah nah nah-nah nah." However, a little later he was overheard bragging to hideous goblin Steve Bannon, "I ate those little blond cookies."
10: Donald Trump let Kellyanne Conway out of her cardboard box in order to conduct a poll of his popularity on Twitter. Hoping to gain permanent freedom by appeasing her master, Kellyanne reported that 100% of those polled thought Donald was doing the best job of any president in the history of the country. When she was returned to her box afterward, an annoyed Kellyanne admitted that she only polled Donald's fake followers, and even then had to cheat a bit.
11: A new report has surfaced, indicating that thousands of the fake Twitter accounts set up to support Donald Trump have now turned against him and are demanding his immediate resignation.
12: It turns out that Donald Trump did not block anyone on Twitter, at least not personally. Members of his staff, in an effort to keep him as pleasant as possible, have taken it upon themselves to block Twitter users who they fear might upset the thin-skinned leader. "Because Donald is so quick to anger, we do our best to keep all negative comments away from him," one White House staff member said. "And that, as you can imagine, is incredibly difficult, as pretty much everyone hates him."
13: Donald Trump admitted this morning that he does not have any recordings of his conversations with James Comey, though not because he thinks it would be wrong to secretly tape someone, but rather because he couldn't figure out how to turn the machine on. "These things are very complicated," Trump said. "Who knew espionage could be so complicated?"
14: Melania Trump has moved into the White House. It took weeks of renegotiating her contract, but finally she and Donald, along with their respective lawyers, were able to hammer out a deal in which she would move into the White House in exchange for a large, but undisclosed sum. According to this deal, Melania will not sleep in the same room as Donald, but will be seen in public with him once a week. If Donald wishes to have her accompany him to a second government function in any given week, he will have to pay her another fee. According to the lawyers, the contract is for one year, as neither of them thinks Donald's presidency will extend beyond that time period.
15: Donald Trump is considering taking a break from his job as president in order to film a new season of The Apprentice. "It's such a great show, but it's only great when I'm on it," he told reporters. When asked who would run the country while he was busy with the television show, Trump answered, "Don't worry, I'll still be running things really, but I plan on giving the country to my sons so there will be no conflict of interest." Reporters were too stunned to ask any follow-up questions.
16: Undercover reporters have learned the secret hazing procedures of Republicans, which include public defecation on either a copy of the First Amendment or the Roe V. Wade decision (most choose to do this late at night, so as not to be seen). Once he or she has gone through the hazing process, there is also a special ceremony in which the soul is symbolically removed from the neophyte. At the end of the ceremony the newly born Republican is given a hundred-dollar bill that had been intended for charity.
17: At a press briefing, Donald Trump claimed that recent polls showing his low approval rating are false. "My approval rating is very high," he said. "The highest of anyone ever, after you subtract those three million people who were polled illegally."
18: According to several witnesses, when Ivanka wished Donald Trump a happy Father's Day this morning, he grabbed her roughly, said "Call me Daddy," and then revealed he's not her biological father. When asked about the encounter minutes later, Ivanka insisted she's Donald's biological daughter and that her inheritance is not in question.
19: Donald Trump was pleased with the praise given to him by his cabinet members at the recent meeting. But after reviewing the footage multiple times, he realized each had basically said the same thing as the last, and so he has imposed a new rule for future cabinet meetings. Everyone will still be required to compliment and praise Trump, of course, but there can be no repeated compliments. Because of this new order, cabinet members have expressed an eagerness to arrive early in order to get a good position at the table so as to be able to go first.
20: Donald Trump's lawyer has promised to be as honest as Donald himself, and so he issued a statement saying that Donald has never done anything wrong in his entire life and is not under investigation.
21: The laboratory where an earlier mishap resulted in the creation of Betsy DeVos suffered another major setback last night when vandals broke in and damaged specimens of what were reputed to be intelligent Republicans, something new the government was developing.
22: Donald Trump has been hard at work preparing short comments about both his resignation and his impeachment for Twitter. He is hoping that by being prepared, he'll be able to avoid those embarrassing misspellings and other errors that plague most of his posts.
23: Sean Spicer is excited about his life after the Trump regime. "I've decided to find a nice residential area and live among the well-trimmed hedges," he told reporters. He added that he thought he wouldn't encounter trouble from the residents, as he has perfected his hiding methods and believes he will not be detected.
24: Trump merchandising is bringing in a lot of money for the president, who doesn't let pass any opportunity to make a buck. In addition to hats, T-shirts, mugs, banners and golf sets, the man occupying the White House is now selling Donald and Ivanka dolls, which come as a set. While the Ivanka doll is fully poseable, with multiple points of articulation, some followers have expressed disappointment that the Donald doll is completely stiff. "The only thing that moves is his hair," said one discouraged Republican.
25: Donald Trump has commissioned a Trump monument to be built in Washington, D.C. After learning of the existence of the Lincoln and Washington monuments, Donald began planning his own, and recently bragged to the White House staff that his monument will tower over the others. He also expressed shock that it costs nothing to visit the Lincoln and Washington monuments. "Mine is going to cost at least twenty dollars per person," he said.
26: White House security forces were called to Melania's room when she reported a fat, hideous intruder attempting to get into bed with her. It took several men and a box of doughnuts to coax the president back to his own room.
27: For those families in danger of having their food stamps cut, Kellyanne "Bowling Green Massacre" Conway offers a simple solution, one that is common practice among her own extended family: they should eat their young.
28: According to Donald Trump, ambassadors and dignitaries visiting this country are thrilled with their official gifts from the White House - Donald Trump mugs and Donald Trump T-shirts, items left over from the campaign. "I give great, great gifts," Donald bragged to reporters.
29: Donald Trump loves his own image so much that he has commissioned fake magazine covers featuring photos of him and words of praise. In addition to several fake Time covers which are displayed prominently on all his properties, Donald Trump can be seen on fake covers of People, Men's Fitness, Muscular Development, Muscle & Fitness, Spirituality & Health, Signal and - of course - Self.
30: Graduates of Trump University have had tremendous success in a variety of fields. Some are now serving food in a timely manner; others are responsible for transporting children to school; while still others are helping the environment by removing recyclable materials from trash bins.
July
1: Donald Trump has commissioned a new national anthem to be written, the lyrics of which will be all about him and how he's making America great again. "I got the idea after Ivanka told me about that great new law in the Philippines," Donald told reporters. "I'd like to do something similar here, but if the people are going to be forced to sing passionately, we have to give them lyrics they can be passionate about."
2: Jeff Sessions and Mitch McConnell get together one weekend a year to play Plantation, a game in which they recreate the delightful time of the early 1800s. Several homeless black people are rounded up to portray their slaves. There is an elegant ball, a large banquet and a dunk tank. At the end of the weekend, Sessions and McConnell free the homeless people and give them each a confederate flag and a box of leftovers.
3: Donald Trump ridiculed Mike Pence for saying he is uncomfortable being alone with any woman other than his wife. Meanwhile, all women - including Melania and Ivanka - say they are uncomfortable being alone with pussy-grabbing Donald Trump.
4: Donald Trump now claims that he deliberately includes misspellings in his Twitter posts in order to appeal to his followers. "Every time I misspell something they love me more because they think I'm one of them," Donald said recently.
5: Mike Pence flew into a rage when Donald Trump continued posting on Twitter while he read the president his nightly bedtime story. "If you're not going to pay attention, I'm going to put the book away," the vice president said. Donald then threatened to replace him with Steve Bannon, who, according to Donald, is a better storyteller anyway.
6: Video footage of Donald Trump wandering away from his waiting limousine gave Ivanka new hope of avoiding her father. "All I have to do is stand directly in front of him," she said. "Chances are good that he won't see me." To increase her chances of remaining undetected, she stated she'll dress in all black and place television cameras off to her left to distract the predator.
7: Donald Trump has chosen to address no specific agenda in his meeting with his old pal Vladimir Putin in large part because an agenda would require some reading. Donald has given up reading entirely, and prefers to receive his information in short rhymes sung to him by a man dressed in a bunny costume (that man, by the way, is Sean Spicer).
8: Trump now claims that his many medications have had an unforeseen side effect, giving him the ability to become invisible to certain people. "That's why the first lady of Poland walked right past me when I tried to shake her hand," Trump said. "I was invisible to her. I have great, great plans for how to use this ability to make America great again. And I'll be spending a lot more time in Ivanka's room."
9: Defending Ivanka's right to take his seat at the G20 leaders' table, Donald Trump said, "I always like Ivanka to keep Daddy's seat warm."
10: The entire world broke out in spontaneous celebration when video footage revealed that Donald Trump is capable of retrieving a hat. Previously, it was thought this sort of action was beyond his limited abilities. People are beside themselves with joy. It is now being said that this single act might bring about world peace, even though the hat blew off again immediately, and Donald was unable to get it a second time.
11: It is now clear that Donald Trump's travel ban has targeted several of Melania's old clients, people Donald fears may try to get in touch with her again. Donald has repeatedly told Melania she is not allowed to see any of her previous johns, but he has been filled with doubt since she stopped admitting him into her bedroom.
12: Donald Trump stated again that none of the women who accused him of sexual harassment were pretty enough for him to assault. "Why would I go after those ugly women when I can have Ivanka any time I want to?" Donald said. "It just doesn't make sense." He also repeated his claim that his being president keeps him safe from any and all legal actions against him. "I can say whatever I want about those ugly women, but no one can say nasty things about me, because I'm the president," Donald boasted.
13: Donald Trump, now wishing to distance himself from his son, told a reporter that he doesn't know Donald Trump Jr. "Our names being similar is just a coincidence," Donald said. He then added, "I've never even spoken with the boy."
14: The White House is working perfectly, just as Donald Trump claims.
15: Even Donald Trump's imaginary friend Jim no longer wants anything to do with the president. It has been several weeks since Donald has been able to contact him. In a real statement, fake friend Jim told the press he and Donald disagreed "on that whole Russia thing," and that was what ended their friendship.
16: Donald managed to avoid grabbing anyone by the pussy at the women's golf tournament. This was not, however, a display of his willpower, but rather the result of a small electronic device attached to his genitals, which provided a moderate shock each time he started to reach toward a woman. It was the first time that women felt comfortable around the creepy bastard since his early childhood.
17: Donald Trump, in a moment of exasperation, stated that even if he and Pence and the rest are impeached, the Democrats will never get their hands on Jasper, Donald's giant poisonous snake. "Jasper is completely capable of running the show himself," Donald said. "I've left him in charge multiple times, whenever I go golfing. And he's the one who tells me which bits of paper to sign, and even how to hold the pen."
18: Donald Trump was quick to support Department of Education Candice E. Jackson's belief that ninety percent of rapes and sexual assaults are simply the result of having a bit too much to drink followed later by regrets, and aren't crimes at all. "That's exactly what happened with me and that thirteen-year-old girl," Donald said. "We both just had a lot to drink, and then later when I untied her, she had second thoughts. Case closed."
19: After hearing a recent study found that the majority of Republicans think universities are bad for the country, Donald Trump was quick to agree. "If people weren't as educated, I would have even more supporters," he told a reporter.
20: Kellyanne Conway denied charges of cannibalism, insisting that she thrives solely on a diet of Donald Trump's excrement. "I gobble up every last morsel he leaves for me," she told reporters. "And he leaves plenty."
21: Melania Trump has given up on her promised anti-bullying campaign, and instead is going to focus her energy and time on something closer to her own experience: helping prostitutes get better footwear. "They are out walking the streets all night, often in last year's fashions," she said. "My goal is to replace those shoes with ones that are both sexy and practical."
22: Sean Spicer has resigned from his post as White House Press Secretary in order to return to the job he has loved most in his life, that of White House Easter Bunny. "I just love dressing up," Spicer said. "Once a year, I can roll around on the White House lawn in my furry costume, and no one can see my face because of the giant bunny head." When reporters pointed out that the job works only one weekend a year, Sean Spicer returned to another favorite subject. "The rest of the time I can live among the hedges and bushes," he said. "I am working on a new costume made entirely of pine needles, which I plan to unveil at next year's national botany convention."
23: Donald Trump went out of his way to take part in the commissioning ceremony for the USS Gerald R. Ford, a not-quite-subtle way to remind people that soon he too will need to be pardoned. "Gerald Ford was a great man," Donald said at the ceremony. "And today we celebrate the wonderful thing he did for another great president."
24: When a reporter for a parenting magazine accused Donald Trump of having a favorite child, Donald replied: "Of course I do! Would you want to fuck Eric or Don Jr. or Tiffany?"
25: Donald Trump spoke at a Boy Scouts event, finding an audience there that shared his level of political knowledge and acumen. Feeling secure among the boys after each of them signed a loyalty oath and donned a Trump armband, Donald teased them about the size of the event's turnout, pointing out that more people attended his inauguration. He thanked the boys for voting for him, gave them advice on running a real estate business and attacking their enemies, then instructed them to find some Girl Scouts and bring them to his hotel room. "Only pretty ones," he cautioned them. "Girls that look like young Ivankas."
26: When Donald Trump erroneously said that the Affordable Health Care Act was put in place seventeen years ago, it was because he believes he has been in office for ten years. "I have been president for at least a decade, and I have done so many great things," he was heard muttering to himself as he wandered about the White House grounds.
27: Donald Trump was discovered hiding under his desk in the Oval Office today. "They can't impeach me if they can't find me," he told a White House staff member. "Crouching under a desk protects us from nuclear disaster, so certainly it will protect me from the fake media, the FBI and impeachment."
28: Donald Trump has begun taking bids for a special addition to Mount Rushmore. The work will be complicated by the fact that rock will actually have to be added as well as sculpted. "Since I am the greatest president this world has ever seen, I think my face should be bigger than all the rest combined," Donald announced at his latest self-love rally. He added that he believed some minor changes would have to be made to the existing sculpture as well. "I want those other guys to look up at me, admiringly," Donald explained. "Just like they would if they really existed."
29: After feeling personally betrayed by the Senate, Donald Trump locked himself in a White House bathroom, communicating with his cohorts only via text messages. After a few hours, the new, slightly less feminine Sean Spicer told reporters: "The Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that Donald Trump has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away."
30: Betsy DeVos repeated her claim that she is not part of a Satanic cult, insisting she has no idea how the charred remains of several children found their way into her home. "It's a mystery," she told reporters. "Just like God."
31: Eric Trump is the newest Trump family member being investigated by the FBI. However, in his case, the investigation has nothing to do with connections to Russia. Rather, it's about Eric's potential to cause harm to himself and to others. Eric's suicide letter was discovered late yesterday, and in it he talks about killing his entire family before killing himself. Many people have voiced the opinion that Eric should be left alone to go about his business.
August
1: Nine-year-old Dylan's correspondence with the president was abruptly halted by his parents after Donald Trump asked him if he had a younger sister available.
2: Deidre Scaramucci, in a new interview, reveals the reason behind her divorce from the recently hired and fired communications director, and it has nothing to do with Anthony Scaramucci's temper and abusive nature, as had been previously reported. Rather, it is because he is obsessed with Steve Bannon's cock. "That's all he ever talks about," she told the reporter. "It's all he thinks about. I was pregnant, about to have his baby, and he could not have cared less. The only input I got from him was that he wanted to name the child Steve. I decided to go with James."
3: When Donald Trump purchased Kellyanne Conway's soul, he believed he was getting a bargain. But soon he discovered that at five dollars, he had grossly overpaid.
4: Suddenly realizing that they are responsible for their own actions, Republicans have promised to begin answering all criticism without resorting to attempts to redirect it against Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.
5: At his most recent self-love rally, Donald Trump claimed victory in the war on "beautiful clean coal," a war which claimed the lives of more than fifteen billion people last year alone. Now that the war is finally over, Time Life Books is putting together a twenty-volume series detailing every important skirmish, with portraits of many of the generals and foot soldiers who lost their lives in heroic coal fights.
6: When asked about the hypocrisy of taking a seventeen-day vacation after repeatedly criticizing President Obama for taking vacations, an irritated Donald Trump shouted: "It's not the same thing! I'm white!"
7: Stephen Miller, senior advisor to the president and avid Nazi memorabilia collector, is urging that the poem at the base of the Statue of Liberty be removed before more cosmopolitans and hopeful immigrants take it to heart.
8: During a recent television interview, the lights caused Ivanka Trump's plastic face to melt. The reporter conducting the interview and the film crew were horrified to discover that underneath Ivanka's plastic exterior lurks a bruised and frightened member of an alien race. "Please don't reveal my secret," the creature said. "As bad as it is being Donald's lover, it is actually even worse in the coal mines of my home world."
9: The White House has installed two hundred new phone lines in order to keep up with the incredible number of phone calls Donald Trump receives from the infatuated citizenry of this country who just can't stop contacting him to express their gratitude and fealty. "Everyone praises me," Donald said. "Everyone loves me and thinks I'm the greatest. I have gotten phone calls from every single person on the planet saying that my speeches are the greatest they've ever heard, and to thank me for water and the sun and scented candles and avocados and walls and disco and the color blue."
10: Lara Trump's new official propaganda show is the only source of real news in the entire country. A popular print advertisement for her show reads, "If you liked Joseph Goebbels, you'll love Lara Trump."
11: Knowing that he is nearing the end of his life, and that people couldn't bear to exist in a world without him, Donald Trump is planning an all-our nuclear war. It's his way of saying, "You're welcome."
12: According to staff at the Trump National Golf Course, Donald Trump's golf game has actually gotten worse in recent days, even though it's the one activity he spends time on. Of course, this decline in his ability has not been taken well by the thin-skinned lummox. Those close to the president admit that it has angered him to the extent that he's eager to prove his manhood by dropping bombs on somebody, anybody.
13: A Trump rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, turned violent yesterday when those gathered learned that a giant statue of Donald Trump would not be replacing that of Robert E. Lee.
14: Donald Trump has lent Melania to former KKK leader David Duke for two nights as thanks for the special rally thrown in Trump's honor in Charlottesville on Saturday.
15: As Donald Trump slips further into senility, he has become dangerous even to those closest to him, sometimes not able to recognize his allies and owners. "The fucking dog bit me," Steve Bannon said about the president. "I was in the middle of feeding him, and he started snarling and then lunged at me." Steve then added, "We may have to put the fucker down."
16: Donald Trump is determined to go to war with North Korea because his poisonous pet snake Jasper told him that all news originates there. "I will meet the fake news with fire and fury, like the failing New York Times has never seen," he told reporters.
17: Donald Trump has begun holding press conferences in his mind, silently answering questions he would like reporters to ask, then announcing to the world that he's just had a big press conference. After all, everything is big and great in Donald Trump's mind. "No more questions," he told a stunned reporter when he'd finished daydreaming. "It's time for my nap."
18: Nazi hunters are coming out of retirement now that they are needed again. This time their task should be easier, as a significant number of Nazis all work in the same prominent white building in Washington, D.C.
19: Donald Trump has decided to replace Steve Bannon with his poisonous snake, Jasper. "Jasper is the only one I really trust," Donald told reporters. "Because every morning he makes a point of telling me how great I am."
20: Steve Bannon now claims that Barron Trump is his son. "Haven't you noticed the similarities in the names?" Bannon said. "Bannon, Barron. There's a reason for that." He responded to skepticism by telling reporters: "Look, anyone with dough can have a go at Melania. It's not like she's burdened with morals, or with any affection for Donald."
21: Not only has Mike Pence written several drafts of a speech accepting the burden of presidency and mourning the loss of Donald Trump, but he has also already purchased the coffin in which Donald Trump's bloated corpse will be carted through the streets of Washington, D.C. The coffin is being kept in a secret room on the second floor of the White House, an area that Trump never visits because of his intense fear of stairs.
22: One activity that has become popular at Trump rallies is the Hayseed Pussy Grab. Participants run through the crowd, grabbing as many women by the pussy as possible. The winner gets a coupon for a free steak at a local restaurant. Three-time winner Bert Scheckel offers this advice to newcomers: "Remove your white hoods and robes and put down your torches before starting. You'll have greater mobility."
23: White House workers revealed that Kellyanne Conway now chews all of Donald Trump's food, and then spits it into his mouth for him to swallow. Donald had asked Melania to perform this important task, but she refused, saying she's not getting paid enough for that.
24: Donald Trump startled a family on a tour of the White House by stepping out from behind a door while not wearing any pants, babbling incoherently, and then trying to grab the family's two young girls. The girls were able to escape, and Donald wandered off down the corridor. "Donald Trump often wanders around the White House without any pants," a White House aide said. "We hardly notice anymore. Most of us are told to just ignore him and continue with our work, which doesn't concern him at all." The parents of the two girls have decided to not press charges.
25: There are many rooms in the White House where Donald Trump is not allowed, and so he is often found curled up in a hallway, crying, while others are busy working. Certain White House aides, feeling sorry for the senile goat, sometimes give him a ball of string or some trinket to keep him occupied until Ivanka or Mike Pence arrives to collect him.
26: Donald Trump in a short speech promised his followers that he would grant them all pardons for any future wrongdoings as long as they'll keep purchasing his Trump merchandise and patronizing his hotels and golf courses. "You are all great American, great consumers," he told the small crowd. "You all deserve pardons for whatever it is you might do over the next four years."
27: Donald Trump appeals to the religious right because of his deep spiritual nature and drive. "God and I are on equal footing," Donald said at a recent dinner meeting. "In fact, sometimes I appear to him in his dreams." Donald then added, "We're thinking of writing a book together, but we're having trouble deciding which of us should be the ghost writer."
28: When Donald Trump is able to read through an entire speech without making any mistakes or adding his own thoughts, he is allowed to have a dish of ice cream.
29: The alien in the plastic Ivanka outfit has now expressed an interest in returning to the coal mines of his home world. "I said before that being Donald Trump's lover was better than slaving in my planet's coal mines. I was wrong."
30: Donald Trump is designing a new United States flag to reflect the changes in our national identity. It will be part Nazi flag, part Confederate flag, but with gold edges and dollar signs in place of stars.
31: Donald Trump purchased a mental hospital yesterday in an effort to make his imminent stay seem like a matter of simply checking in on one of his properties. Rumor has it that a golf course will be added to the hospital grounds.
Two hundred days. That should be enough. I sincerely hope that Donald Trump and his entire racist regime are removed from the planet before another bloody hundred days pass.
Alternative Fact: August 31, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through your day): Donald Trump purchased a mental hospital yesterday in an effort to make his imminent stay seem like a matter of simply checking in on one of his properties. Rumor has it that a golf course will be added to the hospital grounds.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 30, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump is designing a new United States flag to reflect the changes in our national identity. It will be part Nazi flag, part Confederate flag, but with gold edges and dollar signs in place of stars.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 29, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The alien in the plastic Ivanka outfit has now expressed an interest in returning to the coal mines of his home world. "I said before that being Donald Trump's lover was better than slaving in my planet's coal mines. I was wrong."
(For more information on this story, see the Alternative Fact from August 8, 2017.)
(For more information on this story, see the Alternative Fact from August 8, 2017.)
Monday, August 28, 2017
Photos From Work: Griffith Park
I worked in Griffith Park today. Here are a few photos from the end of the day. Even when we're exhausted and filthy, we can appreciate beauty.
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| Fog machine works its magic |
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| View from the last scene of the day |
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| Wrap |
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| Just waiting for everyone to pack up the trucks |
Alternative Fact: August 28, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When Donald Trump is able to read through an entire speech without making any mistakes or adding his own thoughts, he is allowed to have a dish of ice cream.
Sunday, August 27, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 27, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump appeals to the religious right because of his deep spiritual nature and drive. "God and I are on equal footing," Donald said at a recent dinner meeting. "In fact, sometimes I appear to him in his dreams." Donald then added, "We're thinking of writing a book together, but we're having trouble deciding which of us should be the ghost writer."
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 26, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump in a short speech promised his followers that he would grant them all pardons for any future wrongdoings as long as they'll keep purchasing his Trump merchandise and patronizing his hotels and golf courses. "You are all great American, great consumers," he told the small crowd. "You all deserve pardons for whatever it is you might do over the next four years."
Friday, August 25, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 25, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): There are
many rooms in the White House where Donald Trump is not allowed, and so he is often found curled up in a hallway, crying, while others are busy working. Certain White House aides, feeling sorry for the senile goat, sometimes give him a ball of string or some trinket to keep him occupied until Ivanka or Mike Pence arrives to collect him.
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 24, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump startled a family on a tour of the White House by stepping out from behind a door while not wearing any pants, babbling incoherently, and then trying to grab the family's two young girls. The girls were able to escape, and Donald wandered off down the corridor. "Donald Trump often wanders around the White House without any pants," a White House aide said. "We hardly notice anymore. Most of us are told to just ignore him and continue with our work, which doesn't concern him at all." The parents of the two girls have decided to not press charges.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 23, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): White House workers revealed that Kellyanne Conway now chews all of Donald Trump's food, and then spits it into his mouth for him to swallow. Donald had asked Melania to perform this important task, but she refused, saying she's not getting paid enough for that.
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 22, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): One activity that has become popular at Trump rallies is the Hayseed Pussy Grab. Participants run through the crowd, grabbing as many women by the pussy as possible. The winner gets a coupon for a free steak at a local restaurant. Three-time winner Bert Scheckel offers this advice to newcomers: "Remove your white hoods and robes and put down your torches before starting. You'll have greater mobility."
Monday, August 21, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 21, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Not only has Mike Pence written several drafts of a speech accepting the burden of presidency and mourning the loss of Donald Trump, but he has also already purchased the coffin in which Donald Trump's bloated corpse will be carted through the streets of Washington, D.C. The coffin is being kept in a secret room on the second floor of the White House, an area that Trump never visits because of his intense fear of stairs.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 20, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Steve Bannon now claims that Barron Trump is his son. "Haven't you noticed the similarities in the names?" Bannon said. "Bannon, Barron. There's a reason for that." He responded to skepticism by telling reporters: "Look, anyone with dough can have a go at Melania. It's not like she's burdened with morals, or with any affection for Donald."
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 19, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has decided to replace Steve Bannon with his poisonous snake, Jasper. "Jasper is the only one I really trust," Donald told reporters. "Because every morning he makes a point of telling me how great I am."
Friday, August 18, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 18, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Nazi hunters are coming out of retirement now that they are needed again. This time their task should be easier, as a significant number of Nazis all work in the same prominent white building in Washington, D.C.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 17, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has begun holding press conferences in his mind, silently answering questions he would like reporters to ask, then announcing to the world that he's just had a big press conference. After all, everything is big and great in Donald Trump's mind. "No more questions," he told a stunned reporter when he'd finished daydreaming. "It's time for my nap."
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 16, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump is determined to go to war with North Korea because his poisonous pet snake Jasper told him that all news originates there. "I will meet the fake news with fire and fury, like the failing New York Times has never seen," he told reporters.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 15, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): As Donald Trump slips further into senility, he has become dangerous even to those closest to him, sometimes not able to recognize his allies and owners. "The fucking dog bit me," Steve Bannon said about the president. "I was in the middle of feeding him, and he started snarling and then lunged at me." Steve then added, "We may have to put the fucker down."
Monday, August 14, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 14, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has lent Melania to former KKK leader David Duke for two nights as thanks for the special rally thrown in Trump's honor in Charlottesville on Saturday.
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 13, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A Trump rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, turned violent yesterday when those gathered learned that a giant statue of Donald Trump would not be replacing that of Robert E. Lee.
Saturday, August 12, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 12, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): According to staff at the Trump National Golf Course, Donald Trump's golf game has actually gotten worse in recent days, even though it's the one activity he spends time on. Of course, this decline in his ability has not been taken well by the thin-skinned lummox. Those close to the president admit that it has angered him to the extent that he's eager to prove his manhood by dropping bombs on somebody, anybody.
Friday, August 11, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 11, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Knowing that he is nearing the end of his life, and that people couldn't bear to exist in a world without him, Donald Trump is planning an all-our nuclear war. It's his way of saying, "You're welcome."
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 10, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Lara Trump's new official propaganda show is the only source of real news in the entire country. A popular print advertisement for her show reads, "If you liked Joseph Goebbels, you'll love Lara Trump."
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 9, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The White House has installed two hundred new phone lines in order to keep up with the incredible number of phone calls Donald Trump receives from the infatuated citizenry of this country who just can't stop contacting him to express their gratitude and fealty. "Everyone praises me," Donald said. "Everyone loves me and thinks I'm the greatest. I have gotten phone calls from every single person on the planet saying that my speeches are the greatest they've ever heard, and to thank me for water and the sun and scented candles and avocados and walls and disco and the color blue."
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 8, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): During a recent television interview, the lights caused Ivanka Trump's plastic face to melt. The reporter conducting the interview and the film crew were horrified to discover that underneath Ivanka's plastic exterior lurks a bruised and frightened member of an alien race. "Please don't reveal my secret," the creature said. "As bad as it is being Donald's lover, it is actually even worse in the coal mines of my home world."
Monday, August 7, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 7, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Stephen Miller, senior advisor to the president and avid Nazi memorabilia collector, is urging that the poem at the base of the Statue of Liberty be removed before more cosmopolitans and hopeful immigrants take it to heart.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 6, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When asked about the hypocrisy of taking a seventeen-day vacation after repeatedly criticizing President Obama for taking vacations, an irritated Donald Trump shouted: "It's not the same thing! I'm white!"
Saturday, August 5, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 5, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): At his most recent self-love rally, Donald Trump claimed victory in the war on "beautiful clean coal," a war which claimed the lives of more than fifteen billion people last year alone. Now that the war is finally over, Time Life Books is putting together a twenty-volume series detailing every important skirmish, with portraits of many of the generals and foot soldiers who lost their lives in heroic coal fights.
Friday, August 4, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 4, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Suddenly realizing that they are responsible for their own actions, Republicans have promised to begin answering all criticism without resorting to attempts to redirect it against Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.
Thursday, August 3, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 3, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When Donald Trump purchased Kellyanne Conway's soul, he believed he was getting a bargain. But soon he discovered that at five dollars, he had grossly overpaid.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 2, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Deidre Scaramucci, in a new interview, reveals the reason behind her divorce from the recently hired and fired communications director, and it has nothing to do with Anthony Scaramucci's temper and abusive nature, as had been previously reported. Rather, it is because he is obsessed with Steve Bannon's cock. "That's all he ever talks about," she told the reporter. "It's all he thinks about. I was pregnant, about to have his baby, and he could not have cared less. The only input I got from him was that he wanted to name the child Steve. I decided to go with James."
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Alternative Fact: August 1, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Nine-year-old Dylan's correspondence with the president was abruptly halted by his parents after Donald Trump asked him if he had a younger sister available.
Monday, July 31, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 31, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Eric Trump is the newest Trump family member being investigated by the FBI. However, in his case, the investigation has nothing to do with connections to Russia. Rather, it's about Eric's potential to cause harm to himself and to others. Eric's suicide letter was discovered late yesterday, and in it he talks about killing his entire family before killing himself. Many people have voiced the opinion that Eric should be left alone to go about his business.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 30, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Betsy DeVos repeated her claim that she is not part of a Satanic cult, insisting she has no idea how the charred remains of several children found their way into her home. "It's a mystery," she told reporters. "Just like God."
Saturday, July 29, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 29, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): After feeling personally betrayed by the Senate, Donald Trump locked himself in a White House bathroom, communicating with his cohorts only via text messages. After a few hours, the new, slightly less feminine Sean Spicer told reporters: "The Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that Donald Trump has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away."
Friday, July 28, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 28, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has begun taking bids for a special addition to Mount Rushmore. The work will be complicated by the fact that rock will actually have to be added as well as sculpted. "Since I am the greatest president this world has ever seen, I think my face should be bigger than all the rest combined," Donald announced at his latest self-love rally. He added that he believed some minor changes would have to be made to the existing sculpture as well. "I want those other guys to look up at me, admiringly," Donald explained. "Just like they would if they really existed."
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 27, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump was discovered hiding under his desk in the Oval Office today. "They can't impeach me if they can't find me," he told a White House staff member. "Crouching under a desk protects us from nuclear disaster, so certainly it will protect me from the fake media, the FBI and impeachment."
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 26, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When Donald Trump erroneously said that the Affordable Health Care Act was put in place seventeen years ago, it was because he believes he has been in office for ten years. "I have been president for at least a decade, and I have done so many great things," he was heard muttering to himself as he wandered about the White House grounds.
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 25, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump spoke at a Boy Scouts event, finding an audience there that shared his level of political knowledge and acumen. Feeling secure among the boys after each of them signed a loyalty oath and donned a Trump armband, Donald teased them about the size of the event's turnout, pointing out that more people attended his inauguration. He thanked the boys for voting for him, gave them advice on running a real estate business and attacking their enemies, then instructed them to find some Girl Scouts and bring them to his hotel room. "Only pretty ones," he cautioned them. "Girls that look like young Ivankas."
Monday, July 24, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 24, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When a reporter for a parenting magazine accused Donald Trump of having a favorite child, Donald replied: "Of course I do! Would you want to fuck Eric or Don Jr. or Tiffany?"
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 23, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump went out of his way to take part in the commissioning ceremony for the USS Gerald R. Ford, a not-quite-subtle way to remind people that soon he too will need to be pardoned. "Gerald Ford was a great man," Donald said at the ceremony. "And today we celebrate the wonderful thing he did for another great president."
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 22, 2017
Today's alternative fact(to help you get through the day): Sean Spicer has resigned from his post as White House Press Secretary in order to return to the job he has loved most in his life, that of White House Easter Bunny. "I just love dressing up," Spicer said. "Once a year, I can roll around on the White House lawn in my furry costume, and no one can see my face because of the giant bunny head." When reporters pointed out that the job works only one weekend a year, Sean Spicer returned to another favorite subject. "The rest of the time I can live among the hedges and bushes," he said. "I am working on a new costume made entirely of pine needles, which I plan to unveil at next year's national botany convention."
Friday, July 21, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 21, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Melania Trump has given up on her promised anti-bullying campaign, and instead is going to focus her energy and time on something closer to her own experience: helping prostitutes get better footwear. "They are out walking the streets all night, often in last year's fashions," she said. "My goal is to replace those shoes with ones that are both sexy and practical."
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 20, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Kellyanne Conway denied charges of cannibalism, insisting that she thrives solely on a diet of Donald Trump's excrement. "I gobble up every last morsel he leaves for me," she told reporters. "And he leaves plenty."
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 19, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): After hearing a recent study found that the majority of Republicans think universities are bad for the country, Donald Trump was quick to agree. "If people weren't as educated, I would have even more supporters," he told a reporter.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 18, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump was quick to support Department of Education Candice E. Jackson's belief that ninety percent of rapes and sexual assaults are simply the result of having a bit too much to drink followed later by regrets, and aren't crimes at all. "That's exactly what happened with me and that thirteen-year-old girl," Donald said. "We both just had a lot to drink, and then later when I untied her, she had second thoughts. Case closed."
Monday, July 17, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 17, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, in a moment of exasperation, stated that even if he and Pence and the rest are impeached, the Democrats will never get their hands on Jasper, Donald's giant poisonous snake. "Jasper is completely capable of running the show himself," Donald said. "I've left him in charge multiple times, whenever I go golfing. And he's the one who tells me which bits of paper to sign, and even how to hold the pen."
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 16, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald managed to avoid grabbing anyone by the pussy at the women's golf tournament. This was not, however, a display of his willpower, but rather the result of a small electronic device attached to his genitals, which provided a moderate shock each time he started to reach toward a woman. It was the first time that women felt comfortable around the creepy bastard since his early childhood.
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 15, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Even Donald Trump's imaginary friend Jim no longer wants anything to do with the president. It has been several weeks since Donald has been able to contact him. In a real statement, fake friend Jim told the press he and Donald disagreed "on that whole Russia thing," and that was what ended their friendship.
Friday, July 14, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 14, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The White House is working perfectly, just as Donald Trump claims.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 13, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, now wishing to distance himself from his son, told a reporter that he doesn't know Donald Trump Jr. "Our names being similar is just a coincidence," Donald said. He then added, "I've never even spoken with the boy."
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 12, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump stated again that none of the women who accused him of sexual harassment were pretty enough for him to assault. "Why would I go after those ugly women when I can have Ivanka any time I want to?" Donald said. "It just doesn't make sense." He also repeated his claim that his being president keeps him safe from any and all legal actions against him. "I can say whatever I want about those ugly women, but no one can say nasty things about me, because I'm the president," Donald boasted.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 11, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): It is now clear that Donald Trump's travel ban has targeted several of Melania's old clients, people Donald fears may try to get in touch with her again. Donald has repeatedly told Melania she is not allowed to see any of her previous johns, but he has been filled with doubt since she stopped admitting him into her bedroom.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 10, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The entire world broke out in spontaneous celebration when video footage revealed that Donald Trump is capable of retrieving a hat. Previously, it was thought this sort of action was beyond his limited abilities. People are beside themselves with joy. It is now being said that this single act might bring about world peace, even though the hat blew off again immediately, and Donald was unable to get it a second time.
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 9, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Defending Ivanka's right to take his seat at the G20 leaders' table, Donald Trump said, "I always like Ivanka to keep Daddy's seat warm."
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 8, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Trump now claims that his many medications have had an unforeseen side effect, giving him the ability to become invisible to certain people. "That's why the first lady of Poland walked right past me when I tried to shake her hand," Trump said. "I was invisible to her. I have great, great plans for how to use this ability to make America great again. And I'll be spending a lot more time in Ivanka's room."
Friday, July 7, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 7, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has chosen to address no specific agenda in his meeting with his old pal Vladimir Putin in large part because an agenda would require some reading. Donald has given up reading entirely, and prefers to receive his information in short rhymes sung to him by a man dressed in a bunny costume (that man, by the way, is Sean Spicer).
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 6, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Video footage of Donald Trump wandering away from his waiting limousine gave Ivanka new hope of avoiding her father. "All I have to do is stand directly in front of him," she said. "Chances are good that he won't see me." To increase her chances of remaining undetected, she stated she'll dress in all black and place television cameras off to her left to distract the predator.
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 5, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Mike Pence flew into a rage when Donald Trump continued posting on Twitter while he read the president his nightly bedtime story. "If you're not going to pay attention, I'm going to put the book away," the vice president said. Donald then threatened to replace him with Steve Bannon, who, according to Donald, is a better storyteller anyway.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 4, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump now claims that he deliberately includes misspellings in his Twitter posts in order to appeal to his followers. "Every time I misspell something they love me more because they think I'm one of them," Donald said recently.
Monday, July 3, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 3, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump ridiculed Mike Pence for saying he is uncomfortable being alone with any woman other than his wife. Meanwhile, all women - including Melania and Ivanka - say they are uncomfortable being alone with pussy-grabbing Donald Trump.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 2, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Jeff Sessions and Mitch McConnell get together one weekend a year to play Plantation, a game in which they recreate the delightful time of the early 1800s. Several homeless black people are rounded up to portray their slaves. There is an elegant ball, a large banquet and a dunk tank. At the end of the weekend, Sessions and McConnell free the homeless people and give them each a confederate flag and a box of leftovers.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Alternative Fact: July 1, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has commissioned a new national anthem to be written, the lyrics of which will be all about him and how he's making America great again. "I got the idea after Ivanka told me about that great new law in the Philippines," Donald told reporters. "I'd like to do something similar here, but if the people are going to be forced to sing passionately, we have to give them lyrics they can be passionate about."
Friday, June 30, 2017
Alternative Fact: June 30, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Graduates of Trump University have had tremendous success in a variety of fields. Some are now serving food in a timely manner; others are responsible for transporting children to school; while still others are helping the environment by removing recyclable materials from trash bins.
Thursday, June 29, 2017
Alternative Fact: June 29, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump loves his own image so much that he has commissioned fake magazine covers featuring photos of him and words of praise. In addition to several fake Time covers which are displayed prominently on all his properties, Donald Trump can be seen on fake covers of People, Men's Fitness, Muscular Development, Muscle & Fitness, Spirituality & Health, Signal and - of course - Self.
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Alternative Fact: June 28, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): According to Donald Trump, ambassadors and dignitaries visiting this country are thrilled with their official gifts from the White House - Donald Trump mugs and Donald Trump T-shirts, items left over from the campaign. "I give great, great gifts," Donald bragged to reporters.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
Alternative Face: June 27, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): For those families in danger of having their food stamps cut, Kellyanne "Bowling Green Massacre" Conway offers a simple solution, one that is common practice among her own extended family: they should eat their young.
Monday, June 26, 2017
Alternative Fact: June 26, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): White House security forces were called to Melania's room when she reported a fat, hideous intruder attempting to get into bed with her. It took several men and a box of doughnuts to coax the president back to his own room.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Alternative Fact: June 25, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has commissioned a Trump monument to be built in Washington, D.C. After learning of the existence of the Lincoln and Washington monuments, Donald began planning his own, and recently bragged to the White House staff that his monument will tower over the others. He also expressed shock that it costs nothing to visit the Lincoln and Washington monuments. "Mine is going to cost at least twenty dollars per person," he said.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Alternative Fact: June 24, 2017
Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Trump merchandising is bringing in a lot of money for the president, who doesn't let pass any opportunity to make a buck. In addition to hats, T-shirts, mugs, banners and golf sets, the man occupying the White House is now selling Donald and Ivanka dolls, which come as a set. While the Ivanka doll is fully poseable, with multiple points of articulation, some followers have expressed disappointment that the Donald doll is completely stiff. "The only thing that moves is his hair," said one discouraged Republican.
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