Alternative Fact: May 31, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Sean Spicer told the press that Donald Trump loves language, and that his creation of new words is a result of that love, and not, as many have surmised, a symptom of the dementia that he suffers from. Spicer concluded the press briefing by saying "Covfefe," then quickly hid behind a strategically placed bush before any questions could be asked.

Alternative Fact: May 30, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has decided to replace the entire White House staff with robots made in China. "They make great robots there," Donald told the press. "You can get the robots to do whatever you want. My Ivanka robot gives me pleasure every morning." Donald later admitted that he couldn't get his Melania robot to work.

Alternative Fact: May 29, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Upset at not being the center of attention on Memorial Day, Donald Trump today claimed that he was killed during his extensive military service in Vietnam, and demanded there be parades in his honor.

Alternative Fact: May 28, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Rather than argue with Donald Trump's insane declaration that he is suffering the "single greatest witch hunt" in history, people have decided to embrace the idea and are eager to hunt him down and burn him at the stake. Representatives of the city of Salem, Massachusetts have put in a bid to have Donald's public cleansing held there, and sales of marshmallows have tripled in the area.

Alternative Fact: May 27, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump met with Pope Francis this week, hoping to hire the holy man to perform an exorcism on James Comey and anyone else who might offer damaging testimony. "I'll be able to pay you a lot of money," Donald assured the pope. "My new budget frees up billions of dollars that would have been wasted on the poor." The pope seemed reluctant, and no deal was finalized before the Trumps had to leave, but Donald was confident that something would be arranged soon. "I'm great at making deals," Donald bragged.

Alternative Fact: May 26, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump expressed disbelief over the uproar caused when he pushed aside the prime minister of Montenegro. "Look, I am the star of the show," Donald reminded the world. "The audience wants to see the star, and no extras should block their view of him." He then had Sean Spicer contact Central Casting to make sure that extra would not be hired for future episodes.

Alternative Fact: May 25, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump put in a bid for Jerusalem's Western Wall. After personally inspecting the wall himself and finding it secure, he explained to the folks there that it would be put to better use on the U.S./Mexico border keeping out rapists and drug dealers.

Trump Supporters Are Idiots, Round Nine: Velvet Rozanne Bennett

I posted today's Alternative Fact on Donald Trump's Facebook page (as I do most days), and several of his supporters just did not enjoy it. One idiot - Velvet Rozanne Bennett - really struggled with the post's presence, and decided to engage me in an exchange. She posted a couple of comments, to which I did not respond, but that did not deter her. She kept up with it, and so I replied. Here is our exchange:

Velvet Rozanne Bennett: Idiot! Omg! You people are pathetic!
(no response from me)
Velvet Rozanne Bennett:  Michael Derp! Lmao! Your profile picture says all I need to know pinhead!
(no response from me) 
Velvet Rozanne Bennett: Michael Doherty. Please stop trying to sound "intelligent" or "humorous", you're failing miserably at both. Lmao! 
My response : Velvet Rozanne Bennett, I don't accept suggestions from adults who type "Lmao!" I insist on actual words. Good luck!
She also responded to another person's comment: Omg! You're so wrong! Republicans are the ones that pay for welfare idiot!
My response: Velvet Rozanne Bennett, also adults who type "Omg" are people I think very little of. I do, however, like your name.
Velvet Rozanne Bennett: And Michael Doherty, you have nothing but a stupid grin and a snarky attitude! Cheers beotch!
My response: Velvet Rozanne Bennett, also "beotch" is not a word.
Velvet Rozanne Bennett: Michael Doherty. That's it? That's all you got? Pathetic libtard!
My response: Velvet Rozanne Bennett, and "libtard" is not a word. Velvet, you're not very smart, are you? That's okay. Being an idiot doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. Keep reaching for the stars!
Velvet Rozanne Bennett: And by the way the word beotch, it is a word if you choose to avoid excessive profanity. But then, you wouldn't understand, you can't think that deep. Lmao!
My response: Velvet Rozanne Bennett, no, it's not a word. But I do wish you luck in all your endeavors. Such as pouring milk into a glass and tying your shoes and figuring out which bus stop is yours.
Velvet Rozanne Bennett: Michael Doherty, quit trolling and get a life loser!
My response:  Velvet Rozanne Bennett, you seem to be forgetting that you decided to comment on my post, not the other way around. So you may kindly go fuck yourself now. Amen.

And that put an end to our exchange. Velvet chose not to respond. But I do wish her luck in all her struggles.

Alternative Fact: May 24, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Though she doesn't do it all that often, Kellyanne Conway has the ability to change the color of her skin to match her surroundings. Sean Spicer says it is her single most admirable trait, and he has expressed the wish that he were able to camouflage himself too. "I would like to be green like my friends, the hedges," Spicer said.

Trump Supporters Are Like...

Trump supporters are like those crazy women who marry incarcerated men. They are blind to the obvious and numerous bad qualities the man possesses.

100 Days Of Alternative Facts

Donald Trump began occupying the White House on January 20, 2017. Sean Spicer, in his first statement to the press, lied about how many people attended the inauguration. On January 22nd, lizard woman Kellyanne Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet The Press that Sean Spicer presented "alternative facts." And the lies haven't stopped since. Only a week later, Kellyanne Conway invented the Bowling Green Massacre. And let's not forget the microwave camera. Of course, most of the lies haven't been as humorous as the camera. No truths come from the White House. Donald Trump is a pathological liar, and not a single statement he makes is to be trusted. We have only alternative facts. On February 13th, I began posting daily alternative facts. I'd hoped to post only a few, but somehow Donald Trump is still occupying the White House (when he's not on one of his many vacations, that is). I've posted one hundred alternative facts. When will this horror end? Well, in case you just returned to Earth and missed some of the alternative facts and need to know what's been going on in the country (or what's not been going on in the country), here are the first one hundred, in order.

February
13: Kellyanne Conway is a human who does not shed her skin or eat her young.
14: Donald Trump did not rape a girl and then send her death threats to convince her to drop the lawsuit.
(Bonus Alternative Fact on February 14: Donald Trump did not rape his first wife, Ivana.)
15: Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler have absolutely nothing in common.
16: Vladimir Putin has absolutely nothing on Donald Trump.
17: Democracy is alive and well in the United States.
18: Donald Trump is competent and sane.
19: Scott Pruitt will do everything he can to help the environment, and will certainly not be swayed by the oil and gas industry that contributed so much money to him over the years.
20: Melania Trump never worked as a prostitute.
21: While taking a romantic drive in Studio City with his daughter and Steve Bannon, Donald Trump accidentally drove his car into a large sinkhole. There were no survivors.
22: Donald Trump has kept his promise about not golfing while acting as president.
23: Kellyanne "Bowling Green Massacre" Conway's next television appearance will be a pay-per-view fight versus Sean "Ginger Spice" Spicer. The winner receives exclusive rights to Donald Trump's brain, and from then on will be the sole official distributor and interpreter of Trump's statements and intentions. The winner also receives an official Trump Tower bathrobe. 
24: Donald Trump denies that his entire deportation program is just a way to legally get rid of Melania before she can divorce him and take half his money and property.
25: Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus are very happy together, and are not - as has been reported - having a lovers' quarrel. Priebus assures everyone, "I love when Stevie touches me in public."
26: Donald Trump is not using the office of the president to promote his daughter's clothing line.
27: The people behind the Bowling Green Massacre have finally been caught. Kellyanne Conway, the leader of the terrorist cell, poisoned herself with her own tail before she could be questioned.
28: During an early lunch, Donald Trump choked on one of Kellyanne Conway's bones and was rushed to the hospital. He did not survive.

March
1: Donald Trump hasn't placed a phone call to Russia in more than a decade, not even to the special 1-900-SHOWERS number.
2: Kellyanne Conway is a live human being, and not one of Jeff Dunham's rejected puppets controlled by an inept intern at FOX News.
3: Donald Trump did not commit treason.
4: Steve Bannon directed some well-balanced and unbiased documentary films.
5: Melania Trump is a classy lady who never posed nude for photos.
6: Donald Trump is a perfectly reasonable and intelligent man who makes informed decisions based on sound evidence from reliable sources.
7: Kellyanne Conway's skin looks so bad not because she's about to shed it but because the liberal media are deliberately distorting her image to embarrass her.
8: Donald Trump inspires the youth of our nation to always tell the truth, and to take responsibility for their actions.
9: All of Steve Bannon's marriages have been successful. Same goes for all of Donald Trump's marriages.
10: Sean Spicer is on edge until he gets his hormone levels correct, leading up to his gender reassignment surgery. That's right, friends, Sean Spicer is becoming a man.
11: Donald Trump is capable of human emotions just like a real live boy.
12: The Trump businesses are in no way benefiting from Donald holding office.
13: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
14: Microwaves can become cameras, blenders can become hearing aids, and tangerines can become presidents.
15: Trump supporters are able to think for themselves.
16: The new Nazi America is even better than the old Democratic America. Let's keep winning!
17: Grizzlies attacked another school, but Betsy DeVos was able to subdue them with the school's special anti-bear gun.  
18: On the golf course this morning, Donald Trump and his staff were attacked by rabid, angry gophers. There were no survivors. Even the gophers died, succumbing to food poisoning after feasting on Donald Trump's grotesque head.
19: There is no one who respects women more than Donald Trump does.
20: Tourism is on the rise here in the United States. People all over the world are excited to see for themselves just how Donald has made America great again.
21: Betsy DeVos promised to stop commenting on education and all other topics she knows absolutely nothing about. Her closest friends tell reporters that she has essentially taken a vow of silence.
22: Donald Trump continues to hold rallies for important political reasons, not because of his desperate need for adoration.
23: We don't need education, health care or the environment, just so long as Trump Tower is safe. Soon we'll all be living in there.
24: Donald Trump is not a pedophile and is not friends with any pedophiles such as Jeffrey Epstein. And he most certainly did not rape a thirteen-year-old girl at one of Jeffrey Epstein's parties. And Donald was only joking in that video when he referred to a ten-year-old as a potential future date, and again when he told two fourteen-year-old girls that he'd be dating them soon.
25: Donald Trump is sorry for all the trouble he's caused and hereby promises to be a good boy from now on.
26: Donald Trump accepts defeat graciously.
27: Not everyone who voted for Trump is a racist shithead.
28: If a Trump supporter bites you, there is still a slight chance you won't become a Trump supporter yourself. But you have to act quickly! Tear away the infected area before the stupidity can spread to your brain. And remember: only a direct hit to the head will take down a Trump supporter. Otherwise they will keep going to Make America Great Again rallies and typing poorly constructed sentences on social media sites and chanting "USA, USA" and making a nuisance of themselves.
29: Melania Trump is in love with Donald and swears she misses him every moment they are apart. Furthermore, she denies accusations that she is still a prostitute and that Donald is simply her biggest client. "That's absurd," she says. "At this point, he wouldn't be able to afford me anyway."
30: Kellyanne Conway obtains nourishment from a wide variety of sources, not just mice and insects.
31: The people who work in U.S. Immigration And Customs Enforcement are among the most thoughtful, kind and conscientious people in the country, and they take great care of those they have in custody.

April
1: Privacy is not important. What's important is that advertisers will be able to know everything that even briefly interests us so we can be made aware of all the glorious products available. And it's proper and fitting that our internet providers will be able to profit from selling that information, particularly as we are also already paying them.
2: Bill O'Reilly and FOX News gave thirteen million dollars to those five women out of kindness and a sense of charity, not because Bill is guilty of sexual harassment. Bill O'Reilly has a lot of respect for women. In fact, the only person who respects women more than Bill O'Reilly does is Donald Trump.
3: Trump revealed on Twitter that there is also a "Fake Trump," and it's this Fake Trump that is supposedly involved with Russia. Donald then defended the Fake Trump, saying, "When will Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd and @NBCNews start talking about the Obama SURVEILLANCE SCANDAL and stop with the Fake Trump/Russia story?" To help him relax, Trump has promised to take Fake Trump golfing this weekend.
4: Trump's choice of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education had nothing whatsoever to do with her brother creating a secret channel for communication between Trump and Putin, but was because of Betsy's extensive experience in public education.
5: If there is anything the American public needs to know, Donald Trump will tell us about it on Twitter. No other sources of information are necessary.
6: Ivanka Trump's political experience, acumen and expertise will come in handy in her new position in the White House. Also, she has promised to give all the White House staffers an employee discount on her clothing line.
7: Donald Trump really cares about the Syrian people, and that is why he launched this military attack, not because he desperately wishes to distract the nation from the Russian conspiracy and distance himself from Putin.
8: We are going to have the cleanest coal ever. It's going to be great. It's going to be so clean, you'll hardly even recognize it as coal. Kids will be excited to get it in their stockings at Christmas. They'll have the cleanest stockings. Those stockings are going to be so clean. Please join Donald Trump in supporting the Clean Stockings Act.
9:  Donald Trump is currently in business negotiations to purchase the White House. He plans to rename the property Trump House, but promises to maintain the structure's color. "White is the only color for me," Trump said. "Believe me, I wouldn't even consider another color."
10: Donald Trump revealed today that his medications allow him to commune with animals, and that he's been speaking with a six-foot long poisonous snake named Jasper. "Jasper will be creating policy in the coming months," Donald said. "He's got some great, great ideas."
11: Donald Trump has offered United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz a job in his administration, saying Munoz will be responsible for "re-accommodating" Muslims, Mexicans and transgender people.
12: Donald Trump explained that the runways at the Syrian base were never the target, and that's why none of the 59 missiles hit them. He also confirmed that the chemical weapons stockpiles at the base were not targeted. "I targeted the real source of the trouble," Donald said. "I got it from reliable sources - Breitbart, FOX News and my snake Jasper - that the base's cafeteria was where the real trouble was. They served those awful square pizzas, where the cheese comes off in one rubbery clump. That sort of thing is sad and has to be stopped, no matter where in the world it is found, and no matter how much it costs American taxpayers."
13: Just because someone is a relative to Donald Trump doesn't necessarily mean that person will be given an important job in the administration. However, today Donald promised Barron Trump his pick of ambassadorships if the child can persuade Melania to move to the White House.
14: Donald Trump confirmed today that his military policy is to bomb anything that makes Ivanka sad.
15: Donald Trump is currently working to get permission from Vladimir Putin to release his tax returns, as he promised he would. Because, as you know, Donald Trump keeps all his campaign promises.
16: Ivanka Trump was not given a free ride. She had to earn every dollar bill her daddy left on her dresser.
17: As his attorneys insist, Donald Trump cannot be sued while he is acting as president of the United States, even for things he did before taking office. Since he is above the law, Donald should not feel any constraints when choosing a course of action (or when one is chosen for him by Putin, Bannon, or his poisonous snake Jasper), and so can do whatever he wishes in his noble efforts to make America great again.
18: Today my dream came true. A clown car pulled up onto the White House lawn, and fifteen angry clowns climbed out, a dozen of them carrying a long string of barbed wire, which they began wrapping around Donald and Ivanka, winding it tighter and tighter, the barbs tearing into their twisted flesh. While they did that, one of the other clowns played a lovely dirge on ukulele, while the remaining two clowns performed an elegant interpretive dance, not easy to do in those giant shoes. When the song and dance were finished, the other clowns unwound the barbed wire, and all of them got back into the car, leaving the hideous corpses of Donald and Ivanka in an eternal embrace on the lawn. A witness reports seeing a strangely satisfied smile on Donald's deceased face as the clown car drove off into the Washington, D.C. morning traffic.
19: Sean Spicer assured the nation that Donald Trump's hideous, bloated corpse is still in control of the country. "While it's true that yesterday Donald and Ivanka were killed by a carload of angry clowns, absolutely nothing has changed," Spicer said at a today's press conference. After a moment, he added, "The president may spend a little less time on Twitter."
20: Now that Donald Trump has been dead for a couple of days, Melania is, for the first time, seriously considering moving into the White House.
21: Sean Spicer confirmed that even though Alex Jones has now admitted to being a total fake, Donald Trump's bloated corpse still enjoys being propped up in front of the radio to listen his program.
22: Alien races have finally contacted Earth. It happened late last night after several alien civilizations caught wind of a supposed plan by NASA to send Donald Trump's bloated corpse into space. The message NASA received, signed by multiple alien races, reads, "We don't want that asshole out here."
23: After Bill O'Reilly's dismissal, bloated corpse Donald Trump is under even more pressure to provide a public voice for desperate fans of insane racist rants and sexual harassment. Sean Spicer, in a statement today, assured the nation that hideous bloated corpse Donald Trump was up to the task.
24: Bill O'Reilly now swears that, like Alex Jones, he was merely playing a role, in his case the role of an insane racist journalist who likes to sexually harass women. O'Reilly insists that was just the part he was playing, and that in reality he is not a journalist at all, nor does he have any interest in women whatsoever.
25: Though Donald Trump has been dead for a week, his supporters continue to rally around his hideous, bloated corpse, feeling that he now, perhaps even more than before, is one of them, and swearing they will make sure he remains in office for eight years.
26: One of the angry clowns responsible for the deaths of Donald and Ivanka Trump released a statement which reads, in part, "Donald was giving clowns a bad name, and it was determined by clown consensus that he must be stopped." A spokesperson for clowns said today, "Donald was always more buffoon than clown anyway, and the deaths of Donald and his wife could have been prevented had the nation understood that distinction in November."
27: People in Texas that voted for Donald Trump are enthusiastic about giving up their land for his beloved wall project. And those who will suddenly find themselves on the Mexican side of the wall are especially thrilled with their choice for President.
28: Sean Spicer stated that sealing some Texans on the Mexican side of the wall is simply part of the president's plan to make America great again. For every Texan that is sealed out of the country, America will be that much greater, Spicer explained. For once, it was difficult to argue with his logic.
29: Sean Spicer stated today that it was Fake Trump that was killed by that carload of angry clowns, and not the real Donald Trump. And since it was also Fake Trump that was involved in the conspiracy with Russia, Spicer said that this should put an end to that story as well.
30: Sean Spicer today claimed that the Ivanka that was killed in the embrace with Fake Trump on the White House lawn was actually one of many Ivanka robots that Donald keeps in the White House for sexual gratification, and was not the real Ivanka. "Honestly, I'm not even sure there is a real Ivanka," Spicer added.

May
1: Kellyanne Conway denied laying a new clutch of eggs over the weekend, explaining that her breeding time is still nearly a month away and that for now she is entirely focused on helping the president chew his food.
2: Donald Trump has promised that within the next hundred days he'll stop publicly congratulating himself on what he perceives to be great accomplishments of his first one hundred days playing president.
3: Donald Trump maintains that calling Senator Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" isn't racist, adding that he calls Hillary Clinton "Maleficent," Sean Spicer "Tinker Bell," Steve Bannon "Dumbo," Kellyanne Conway "Sir Hiss" and Ivanka "Jessica Rabbit."
4: Donald Trump wants to make one small amendment to the Constitution. He simply wishes to include a small, tasteful advertisement for The Mar-a-Lago Club. "Wherever there is empty space on the paper, space that's not being used for Constitution stuff," Donald explained. "I haven't seen it, but Ivanka told me there is plenty of space in the upper right corner near something about 'the wee people.'"
5: School children all over the country were thrilled to learn they would no longer have to memorize any facts whatsoever. Following the president's example, students can now answer any test question with: "I have my own opinions. You can have your own opinions." With Betsy DeVos in charge of the nation's education, teachers will have no choice but to mark those answers as correct. Children celebrated this change by chanting "USA! USA! USA!" and then dropping their text books in front of their schools.
6: After Donald Trump admitted he had difficulty staying awake through the two or three daily meetings he was asked to attend as president, his staff promised not to bother him with any more details of foreign or domestic events and let him sleep. Donald said, "Great, great."
7: Donald Trump tried to hire George Lucas to release a Special Edition of the inauguration celebration in which thousands of spectators would be digitally added to certain scenes. Lucas was initially interested in the project until Trump nixed his idea of adding stormtroopers, imperial officers and a family of Hutts to the background.
8: The ghost of swashbuckler Andrew Jackson was seen by several staff members this weekend stalking the corridors of the White House and repeatedly bragging that he would have stopped the Civil War if only he'd still been alive.
9:  Donald Trump claimed today that Mike Flynn himself is fake news. "There is no Mike Flynn," Donald said during an unscheduled press conference. "That was Obama in disguise. He was here to spy on me, place wiretaps on my phones and in my special pillow fight room that I share with Ivanka. That's why I fired him. I fired Obama." When the stunned press attempted to ask him questions, Donald reminded everyone that he won the election and that fifty billion people had attended his inauguration. He then asked for his mother, before being quietly led from the podium by the White House Easter Bunny.
10: When Donald Trump was told by Ivanka that his many cries of "Fake news" were not enough to put an end to the F.B.I.'s investigation into his criminal activity, he went into a panic. But Ivanka then suggested he simply fire F.B.I. director James Comey. "I can do that?" Donald asked, wiping the tears from his face. "You can do anything," Ivanka assured him. "You are the president." Thrilled that he could once again use his old catch phrase from his television program The Apprentice, Donald immediately called Comey and told him, "You're fired." He then got online and boasted: "As President, I cannot be charged with any crimes. And anyone who tries looking into my many criminal enterprises will be fired and will not be back next season." Donald then went to a commercial break.
11: All government employees are now required to sign an oath of loyalty to Donald Trump, promising to always love him, to tell him he's great every time they see him, and to refrain from investigating him and his activities. Republicans, having sold their souls months ago, were delighted and eager to sign to prove their patriotism and continuing usefulness to the despot.
12: Sean Spicer has ordered several large bushes and a hedge to be placed around the podium in the press briefing room so that he will feel more comfortable when fielding questions from reporters. "I just like to be among bushes," he said to the amused press corps.
13: A White House intern was fired last night after refusing to give Jeff Sessions and Donald Trump a bubble bath in Donald's giant's tub. "It wasn't even the bath that I objected to," she told reporters this morning. "After all, they both needed a good scrubbing. What I just couldn't bring myself to do was follow Donald's request to wear an Ivanka wig and some of her perfume."
14: Hoping to coax Melania back into bed with him (on those nights when Ivanka is otherwise occupied), Donald Trump has given her the state of Hawaii to do with as she will. Melania is reportedly thrilled with her gift, noting that it is located some distance from Washington, D.C. When Donald's consultants pointed this out to him, he told them to see about exchanging the gift for Virginia or possibly Maryland.
15: Donald Trump has agreed to let Felix H. Sater rent Melania for a week for the relatively small sum of $10,000. "Felix is a great friend, and that's why I gave him such a deal," Donald said. "Usually Melania commands a much greater sum for her services."
16: Donald Trump reminded the nation, "No one is above the law." He then added, "Except me, my family, and some of my friends in Russia, obviously."
17: Donald Trump has outlawed all history courses in high schools and colleges throughout the country. Explaining the move, Donald told reporters, "It doesn't matter what I said yesterday, it only matters what I'm saying right now."
18: Donald Trump has officially eliminated the process for impeachment in the United States. "No more impeachment for anyone ever," Donald told the stunned press corps. "Unless I can still impeach Obama or Hillary." He then asked, "Can I?"
19: Soon you won't be reading anything negative about Donald Trump, for he has signed a bill which will make it illegal to say or print anything unflattering about him. "I'm going to put the fake news in jail," Donald said to a small crowd of adoring illiterates. "They have a choice: either print stories about how great I am or go to prison."
20: Reporters have discovered Donald Trump's weakness: he only exists when cameras are recording him. He feeds off the attention. Turn the cameras off, and Donald Trump disappears. Leave the cameras off long enough, and he will wither away and die. The reporters are busy spreading this message, knowing the last holdout will be Donald's accomplice, FOX News.
21: Accomplices of Donald Trump revealed today that Donald has recently become very religious, even going so far as to strike a deal with God, which explains the itinerary for Donald's first trip abroad as president. In exchange for God removing all evidence of Trump's criminal and treasonous activity, Donald promises to not get any more divorces, and will stay with his current wife Ivanka until her death.
22: While Donald Trump now asserts that the trafficking of underage girls is a bad thing, he did not always hold that viewpoint. Investigators have uncovered receipts that indicate that Ivanka is not Donald's biological daughter after all, that Donald actually purchased her from Russian friends when she was the tender age of four. "I got a great deal on her," Donald was recently heard bragging to Steve Bannon. "And I'm not giving her back." Some reporters have speculated that Donald's fear of losing his daughter/girlfriend is the real reason he continually tries to convince the press to stop reporting on the Russia connection. DNA tests that could resolve the question of Ivanka's parentage have yet to be administered or even agreed to.
23: Donald Trump announced that he is drafting an official amendment to the Constitution which would not only eliminate the 22nd Amendment, but would allow presidents to automatically have the job for life. "No more costly elections and no more time wasted voting," Donald said. "Instead of standing in line at the polls, Americans will be deep in the coal mines. And I won't have to spend money or time on another campaign, and instead can focus all my energy on making America great again and on improving my golf game."

I sincerely hope that there will not be another hundred days of this. Donald Trump must be removed from office by whatever means necessary. And his entire regime must go with him.

Alternative Fact: May 23, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump announced that he is drafting an official amendment to the Constitution which would not only eliminate the 22nd Amendment, but would allow presidents to automatically have the job for life. "No more costly elections and no more time wasted voting," Donald said. "Instead of standing in line at the polls, Americans will be deep in the coal mines. And I won't have to spend money or time on another campaign, and instead can focus all my energy on making America great again and on improving my golf game."

Alternative Fact: May 22, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): While Donald Trump now asserts that the trafficking of underage girls is a bad thing, he did not always hold that viewpoint. Investigators have uncovered receipts that indicate that Ivanka is not Donald's biological daughter after all, that Donald actually purchased her from Russian friends when she was the tender age of four. "I got a great deal on her," Donald was recently heard bragging to Steve Bannon. "And I'm not giving her back." Some reporters have speculated that Donald's fear of losing his daughter/girlfriend is the real reason he continually tries to convince the press to stop reporting on the Russia connection. DNA tests that could resolve the question of Ivanka's parentage have yet to be administered or even agreed to.

Alternative Fact: May 21, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Accomplices of Donald Trump revealed today that Donald has recently become very religious, even going so far as to strike a deal with God, which explains the itinerary for Donald's first trip abroad as president. In exchange for God removing all evidence of Trump's criminal and treasonous activity, Donald promises to not get any more divorces, and will stay with his current wife Ivanka until her death.

Alternative Fact: May 20, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Reporters have discovered Donald Trump's weakness: he only exists when cameras are recording him. He feeds off the attention. Turn the cameras off, and Donald Trump disappears. Leave the cameras off long enough, and he will wither away and die. The reporters are busy spreading this message, knowing the last holdout will be Donald's accomplice, FOX News.

Alternative Fact: May 19, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Soon you won't be reading anything negative about Donald Trump, for he has signed a bill which will make it illegal to say or print anything unflattering about him. "I'm going to put the fake news in jail," Donald said to a small crowd of adoring illiterates. "They have a choice: either print stories about how great I am or go to prison."

Trump Supporters Are Horrible People

We already know that Trump supporters are not the brightest folks around. But it is alarming to me just how awful these people are.

An individual named Gina Vaughan commented on a post that I had left on Donald Trump's Facebook page. This is what Gina had to say: "Michael Doherty You're not even American dipwad... shut youir coxhoslter and worry about the muzziees that have overrun London"

I responded: "Gina Vaughan, I think you took a double dose there. Your drug intake should be supervised." And then I went to Gina's page, and she has her personal settings such that anyone apparently can comment on her posts. And so I did. She had shared a photo poking fun at the truth of James Comey's statement.

I commented: "Gina, you're a dipshit. Good luck to you on all your endeavors, such as tying your shoes, parking your car, memorizing the alphabet." And that set off a string of comments from Gina and a couple of her friends. Here is that exchange (note particularly that comment from Jeffrey N. Ponzio): 

Note that while Gina brags about being incredibly intelligent, she erroneously uses the word "lay" in place of "lie." But her buddy Jeffrey is even worse, even typing "Fucking faggot." Nice. By the way, Jeffrey's settings are such that anyone can leave a comment on his posts as well (so if you are so inclined, you can tell that bastard exactly what you think of him).

Here are a couple of the posts on Jeffrey's Facebook page:

And here is a photo that Gina Vaughan posted on her page:

Frightening. Here is one more post from Gina's page:

So this is the type of person that supports Donald Trump. This is the type of person we are dealing with here. Both Gina and Jeffrey are racists with violent tendencies.

Photo From Work: May 17, 2017

What the hell is a scien?

Alternative Fact: May 18, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has officially eliminated the process for impeachment in the United States. "No more impeachment for anyone ever," Donald told the stunned press corps. "Unless I can still impeach Obama or Hillary." He then asked, "Can I?"

Alternative Fact: May 17, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has outlawed all history courses in high schools and colleges throughout the country. Explaining the move, Donald told reporters, "It doesn't matter what I said yesterday, it only matters what I'm saying right now."

Alternative Fact: May 16, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump reminded the nation, "No one is above the law." He then added, "Except me, my family, and some of my friends in Russia, obviously."

Alternative Fact: May 15, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has agreed to let Felix H. Sater rent Melania for a week for the relatively small sum of $10,000. "Felix is a great friend, and that's why I gave him such a deal," Donald said. "Usually Melania commands a much greater sum for her services."

Trump Supporters Are Idiots, Round Eight

Friends, do you remember Brenda Collins of San Angelo, Texas? She was the subject of Trump Supporters Are Idiots, Round Seven. Well, today she allowed her stunning intellect to shine once again. I had posted today's alternative fact on Melania Trump's Facebook page. Here it is:

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Hoping to coax Melania back into bed with him (on those nights when Ivanka is otherwise occupied), Donald Trump has given her the state of Hawaii to do with as she will. Melania is reportedly thrilled with her gift, noting that it is located some distance from Washington, D.C. When Donald's consultants pointed this out to him, he told them to see about exchanging the gift for Virginia or possibly Maryland.

Brenda Collins responded: "Michael Doherty You are a lying sack of manure."

You'd think after our previous exchange, she would have known where I was coming from. But that of course is overestimating the intelligence of Brenda Collins and her ilk. She actually believes that I think Donald Trump gave Melania the state of Hawaii, that it is in Donald's power to do so. Wow. Here is my response to her: "Brenda Collins, you might be my favorite of all the idiots. You still don't have a grasp on the idea of what an 'alternative fact' is, do you, honey? Life must be difficult for you."

This makes me wonder how these people are able to function. Life really must be difficult for them. Unless, of course, they are so hopelessly stupid that they don't even realize how difficult a time they're having. In which case, perhaps they are the happiest people on the planet. I don't know. Any thoughts on the matter, Brenda Collins? 

Alternative Fact: May 14, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Hoping to coax Melania back into bed with him (on those nights when Ivanka is otherwise occupied), Donald Trump has given her the state of Hawaii to do with as she will. Melania is reportedly thrilled with her gift, noting that it is located some distance from Washington, D.C. When Donald's consultants pointed this out to him, he told them to see about exchanging the gift for Virginia or possibly Maryland.

Alternative Fact: May 13, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A White House intern was fired last night after refusing to give Jeff Sessions and Donald Trump a bubble bath in Donald's giant's tub. "It wasn't even the bath that I objected to," she told reporters this morning. "After all, they both needed a good scrubbing. What I just couldn't bring myself to do was follow Donald's request to wear an Ivanka wig and some of her perfume."

More Messages To Fascist Pig Donald Trump

When his supporters chant "USA! USA! USA!" I bet Donald Trump is disappointed that they are not chanting "Donald! Donald! Donald!" Perhaps that's what he hears in his head, because he is trying to replace the democratic system with the Donald system. He likely believes that he is, in fact, the USA. Well, the whole damn thing is frightening beyond all measure. So I like to send him little messages now and again, just as a way of reminding him and his mindless followers that not everyone is on board the Donald Express, no matter how bright and shiny the train might be. Here are a few messages I've sent the bastard in the last couple of months.

• Donald, you just can't get enough adoration, can you? Was there ever a more extreme narcissist than you?  (on Facebook, 3-16-17, in response to this post by the so-called president: "Thank you Nashville, Tennessee! Together, we will Make America Great Again!" - with a video of his rally) 
• Who loves Donald more than Donald? No one. No one even comes close to loving Donald as much as Donald does. Donald is Donald's biggest, greatest fan. Donald holds Donald rallies. Donald answers questions about a variety of topics, but the answers are always about Donald, not about the subject asked. Because, really, what subject holds as much fascination for Donald as Donald? The Donald movement continues, brought to us all by Donald. (on Facebook, 3-16-17, in response to this post by Donald: "Our MOVEMENT continues – God bless you and God bless the USA!" - with a photo of his recent rally) 
• So, asshole, are you going to apologize to Obama for accusing him of a crime he didn't commit? Are you going to apologize to the country? Are you going to act like a leader, someone people could possibly respect? Are you going to take responsibility for your mistakes? Or are you going to continue to lie to everyone and to maintain your lies? I'm guessing you'll continue to lie. Please prove me wrong, asshole.  (on Facebook, 3-20-17)
• Donald, did you have fun at your routine public masturbation event? I hope so, because I'm guessing you won't have time for too many more. (on Facebook, 3-20-17, in response to this post by the so-called president: "Incredible crowd tonight – thank you Louisville, Kentucky! Together, we will Make America SAFE and GREAT again!")
• Ha! Ha! Ha! Work night and day? Fucking hilarious, Donald. What's sad is that your followers are so blind and so bloody stupid that they believe you, despite all the evidence to the contrary. After all, what need do the very stupid have for facts? They have a leader who tells them they don't have to pay attention to facts, and they love him for it. (on Facebook, in response to a photo with a caption that reads, "As President, I will work night and day to make America safe again.")
• "Exciting" isn't necessarily positive. I'm sure World War II was an exciting time. I'm sure being on the Titanic as it sank was exciting.  (on Facebook, 3-31-17, in response to this post by the so-called president: "It is an exciting time for our country!") 
• Excellent! Donald, I assume you'll be standing by the victims of your fake university scheme, and by the woman who alleged you raped her when she was thirteen - you know, the woman who then received death threats until she dropped the lawsuit.  (on Facebook, 4-3-17, in response to this post by the so-called president: "This week, we stand with crime victims and their families, and we renew our commitment to safeguarding America's communities from crime.")
• So, are you going to allow Syrian refugees into the country? Or are you going to continue to be a total fucking asshole?  (on Twitter, 4-6-17) 
• Donald, you are so full of shit. Have you ever spoken the truth? To anyone? About anything? Seriously, I want to know. It seems that every time you speak, birds should land on your head and start pecking at you.  (on Facebook, 4-7-17, in response to this post by the so-called president: "A future of peace, safety, and prosperity — that is our guiding light, and always will be.") 
• Donald, you delusional narcissist, why must you continue to lie about everything? And, more importantly, why are you so determined to destroy the world? What the fuck is wrong with you? Is anyone monitoring your medication? (on Facebook, 4-13-17)

 This is a photo I took of Donald Trump's Twitter page on April 16, 2017:

And this is the comment I left, along with that photo, on his page: "Asshole, try to keep from contradicting yourself in two consecutive 'tweets.' Is this election over, or are you continuing to brag?"

More messages to Donald:

• There is no one in the history of the world who understands Truth less than Donald Trump. Truth and Donald have never once been in the same room. Donald even lies in his dreams. Even his snores are lies. If he sneezed, the response would be "I don't believe you" rather than "bless you." (on Facebook, in response to this bullshit from the mendacious scoundrel: "The Fake Media (not Real Media) has gotten even worse since the election. Every story is badly slanted. We have to hold them to the truth!")
• Donald Trump died yesterday, but the Republicans are refusing to bury his hideous, bloated corpse. What gives? Read about his incredible death in Alternative Facts: (and I included a link to my Alternative Facts) (on Facebook, 4-19-17)
• Wrong. Wrong, Wrong. You don't give you a fuck. Stop lying. The only thing you celebrate is Donald Trump, you delusional prick. (on Twitter, 4-22-17, in response to this bullshit from Donald: "Today on Earth Day, we celebrate our beautiful forests, lakes and land. We stand committed to preserving the natural beauty of our nation.")
• If you want Donald to get rid of something, just call it a "regulation" or say that Obama put it in place. He won't look any further into it than that, but will say it's bad and that he's getting rid of it.  (on Facebook, 4-25-17, in response to this post by the so-called president: "Congratulations to our new Secretary of Agriculture, Sonny Perdue! We’re getting to work immediately to eliminate unnecessary regulations and to promote agriculture and rural prosperity across America.")
• Since day one, Donald's team of incompetent, unqualified racists have been busy dismantling democracy, turning its citizens against one another, and finding new ways to make themselves even richer. In the process, they inadvertently revealed that a significant portion of the country's population is hopelessly stupid. They gather those stupid people together in regularly held Trump rallies to make them feel better about themselves. (on Facebook, 5-5-17)
• France was able to avoid the mistake the U.S. made. No fascist fuck for the French. (on Twitter, 5-7-17, in response to this post by the so-called president: "Congratulations to Emmanuel Macron on his big win today as the next President of France. I look very much forward to working with him!") 
• Fuck you, Donald. Everyone knows why you fired him. So just cut the shit. (on Twitter, 5-10-17, in response to this post by that fucking liar: "Dems have been complaining for months & months about Dir. Comey. Now that he has been fired they PRETEND to be aggrieved. Phony hypocrites!"
• Very active? Are you fucking kidding me? Donald, I will give you five dollars if you will eat a turd that I produce for you. (on Twitter, 5-12-17, in response to this nonsense from dipshit Donald: "As a very active President with lots of things happening, it is not possible for my surrogates to stand at podium with perfect accuracy!....")

 

Alternative Fact: May 12, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Sean Spicer has ordered several large bushes and a hedge to be placed around the podium in the press briefing room so that he will feel more comfortable when fielding questions from reporters. "I just like to be among bushes," he said to the amused press corps.

Alternative Fact: May 11, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): All government employees are now required to sign an oath of loyalty to Donald Trump, promising to always love him, to tell him he's great every time they see him, and to refrain from investigating him and his activities. Republicans, having sold their souls months ago, were delighted and eager to sign to prove their patriotism and continuing usefulness to the despot.

Alternative Fact: May 10, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When Donald Trump was told by Ivanka that his many cries of "Fake news" were not enough to put an end to the F.B.I.'s investigation into his criminal activity, he went into a panic. But Ivanka then suggested he simply fire F.B.I. director James Comey. "I can do that?" Donald asked, wiping the tears from his face. "You can do anything," Ivanka assured him. "You are the president." Thrilled that he could once again use his old catch phrase from his television program The Apprentice, Donald immediately called Comey and told him, "You're fired." He then got online and boasted: "As President, I cannot be charged with any crimes. And anyone who tries looking into my many criminal enterprises will be fired and will not be back next season." Donald then went to a commercial break.

Alternative Fact: May 9, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump claimed today that Mike Flynn himself is fake news. "There is no Mike Flynn," Donald said during an unscheduled press conference. "That was Obama in disguise. He was here to spy on me, place wiretaps on my phones and in my special pillow fight room that I share with Ivanka. That's why I fired him. I fired Obama." When the stunned press attempted to ask him questions, Donald reminded everyone that he won the election and that fifty billion people had attended his inauguration. He then asked for his mother, before being quietly led from the podium by the White House Easter Bunny.

Alternative Fact: May 8, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The ghost of swashbuckler Andrew Jackson was seen by several staff members this weekend stalking the corridors of the White House and repeatedly bragging that he would have stopped the Civil War if only he'd still been alive.

Trump Supporters Are Idiots, Round Seven

Trump supporters are not bright. We are all well aware of this. And Trump supporters in Texas are particularly daft. I had posted today's alternative fact on the Republican Party's Facebook page. And I prefaced it by saying, "Today's alternative fact," letting folks know that it's a fun bit of nonsense.

Actually, here is precisely what I posted on that page:

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump tried to hire George Lucas to release a Special Edition of the inauguration celebration in which thousands of spectators would be digitally added to certain scenes. Lucas was initially interested in the project until Trump nixed his idea of adding stormtroopers, imperial officers and a family of Hutts to the background.

So Brenda Collins, a Republican living in San Angelo, Texas, responded. And this is what she said: "You are full of crap." I laughed so fucking hard, then replied: "Brenda Collins, you Texans are really on the ball." Because what Brenda Collins was saying was that the fake thing I had posted, the thing I prefaced by announcing it was fake, was fake. Brenda Collins is typical of the kind of person who supports Donald Trump. And there is just nothing we can do with her, or with any of them, but shake our heads and wonder how they're able to feed themselves.

Good luck to you, Brenda Collins of San Angelo, Texas.

Alternative Fact: May 7, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump tried to hire George Lucas to release a Special Edition of the inauguration celebration in which thousands of spectators would be digitally added to certain scenes. Lucas was initially interested in the project until Trump nixed his idea of adding stormtroopers, imperial officers and a family of Hutts to the background.

Alternative Fact: May 6, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): After Donald Trump admitted he had difficulty staying awake through the two or three daily meetings he was asked to attend as president, his staff promised not to bother him with any more details of foreign or domestic events and let him sleep. Donald said, "Great, great."

Alternative Fact: May 5, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): School children all over the country were thrilled to learn they would no longer have to memorize any facts whatsoever. Following the president's example, students can now answer any test question with: "I have my own opinions. You can have your own opinions." With Betsy DeVos in charge of the nation's education, teachers will have no choice but to mark those answers as correct. Children celebrated this change by chanting "USA! USA! USA!" and then dropping their text books in front of their schools.

Fun With Trump Supporters: The Game Intelligent People Can Play With Idiots

I'm shocked that Donald Trump is still occupying the White House, and I'm even more shocked that certain individuals still support him, even seem to love him. These people are what we refer to as morons and assholes. They are awful people, without redeeming characteristics, but that doesn't mean you can't play with them. Ridiculing them won't get them to change their minds about anything, but it can be fun. I haven't been playing as much as I used to, because sometimes I just get too angry and it ceases to be fun. But here is some fun I've had in the last few weeks...

Gloria Hughes (on Facebook, 4-18-17): " Freedom isn't free and never has been. Without war, we would be speaking German. I voted for President Trump, because I have no intention of speaking Arab, Korean or Russian. For those, who come from families that are too cowardly to protect that freedom we have all enjoyed, you are free to leave and go to a Country you feel has more freedom. Otherwise, keep enjoying your freedom off the backs of those, who have brave and sacrificial families, willing to die for your freedom"
My response: "Gloria Hughes, be honest: You couldn't learn Arabic, Korean or Russian."

Donald Sailers (on Facebook, 4-19-17): "can any of you people tell me what has trump ever did to you for you to disrespect him as the president of the USA when he won the office for the American people voted for by the American people,"
My response: " Donald Sailers, can you tell me where you went to school and attempted to learn English?"

Saven Mi (on Facebook, 4-20-17): "Who all is thankful to President Trump for being a man of his word, and doing exactly what he said he was gonna do?"
My response: " A man of his word? Which word, exactly? Because any statement he's made, you can find footage of him saying exactly the opposite. He's a democrat, he's a republican. He's pro-choice, he's against abortion. He thinks Hillary would make a great president, he thinks she's crooked. He loves Meryl Streep, he think she's overrated. By the way, you might recall he promised to release his tax returns. A man of his word?" 
(By the way, this woman who calls herself Saven Mi is a prostitute. The Republican Party sure has changed.) 

Stan Piznarski (on Facebook, 4-22-17): "There is no doubt President Trump will be in the White House for the next eight years"
My response: "Stan, good news! Donald Trump is already dead. We're just waiting for the Republicans to remove his hideous, bloated corpse from the White House. They want to keep it in there for eight years, just as you fear, but the smell is already causing some on the staff to become sick. If you missed the story, as reported in Alternative Facts, here is the link. Enjoy!"

Teresa Mader (on Facebook, 4-22-17):  "Thank you Trump we love you and Melania. Looks like many Americans would rather suck on baby bottles and whine all day instead of work for a living. They just dont get it that American tax payers can no longer afford the milk for their bottles."
My response: "Teresa, who is Melania? No one knows this person. Ivanka is the accepted First Lady at this point. And unless you want to raise the ire of the President, I would forget that other woman's name." 

Rob Brando (on Facebook, 4-25-17): "Build the wall!!!! Don't let the Dems stand in your way!!!!"
My response: "Rob Brando, look at all those exclamation points. You must really want that wall. The only punctuation marks that Trump supporters use are exclamation points. That's because Trump supporters are moronic children who believe that shouting is the only way they'll be heard. Isn't that right, Rob Brando, you little baby?" 

Siretha Brown (on Facebook, 4-25-17): "The polls will say anything to not give the President the praise he deserved. You are winning Mr.President know matter what the polls are consistent of."
My response: "'Know matter,' Siretha Brown? 'Know matter'? Geez, you know what the matter is with you fucking Trump supporters? You're all complete morons."

Maria Elias Lopez (on Facebook, 4-29-17): "Why does he still hold rallies, you ask? Because this is how he keeps in touch with America, without the media twisting his words."
My response: "Actually, Maria Elias Lopez, he continues holding these rallies because he is absolutely desperate for affection. He has a constant need for adoration, a constant need to hear that he's loved, that he's doing a good job. He is delusional and insecure beyond measure. He is one sick fuck. That's why he holds these rallies. That's what you're supporting. Enjoy!" 

Erin Schultz (on Facebook, 4-29-17): "You are amazing!! Thank you. We the people believe in you. Your family is smart and gorgeous. Haters are gonna hate. Class wins every time."
My response: "Erin, you're right! Class wins every time. And no one is more classy than Donald Trump. Like when he bragged about hitting on a married woman and talked about her tits. And then he bragged that because he was a celebrity he could do whatever he wanted to women, even grab them by the pussy. So classy, that Donald. It's also really classy to say you're going to do something, then not do it. Some call that lying. But, Erin, you call that class! Good for you, Erin." 

Jeffrey Wooten (on Facebook, 4-29-17): "I will never forget the day after the election!! Almost every police officer had a big smile, beamed with pride, and felt relieved that 8 years of being disrespected by Obama were over."
My response: "Wow, you went around to look at every single police officer in the country? You are a busy little boy, aren't you, Jeffrey? Yes, you are. Yes, you are." 

Cheryl Mayers (on Facebook, 4-30-17): "Loved every minute of this, President Trump NEEDS to do this otherwise the lame stream media will just twist his words around. He explained his position with China being a currency manupulator and it makes perfect sense - we need China to help keep North Korea in check."
My response: "Cheryl, I'm glad you enjoyed Donald's latest exercise in public masturbation. He'll be releasing a DVD soon in which he just repeats 'I am great' for 90 minutes. I have a feeling you'll be adding to that to your collection." 
My second response: "Oh, Cheryl, when you have finished folding your Nazi flag, you might want to go purchase a dictionary. You seem to be having a bit of trouble with your spelling, darling." 

Dick McElhaney (on Facebook, 4-30-17): "Trump was at his best last night. It's about time the country has been blessed with a president who has gone to work 24/7 to put America and its people first."
My response: "Dick - you don't mind if I call you Dick, right? Anyway, Dick, when you say he's gone to work '24/7,' what exactly do you mean? Clearly you don't mean he works 24 hours a day seven days a week. I mean, he doesn't even work 24 hours a week. So what do you mean precisely, Dick? You're still okay with me calling you Dick, right? Oh, maybe you were being sarcastic. Were you being sarcastic, Dick?" 

Brian Shy (on Facebook, 5-3-17): "I hope all sanctionary cites loose all federal funding if they don't comply . Let them stand their ground and find out the hard way"
My response: "Trump supporters continue to struggle with simple spelling and grammar. Professional moron Brian Shy writes, 'I hope all sanctionary cites loose all federal funding.' Of those nine words, three are mistakes. First, Brian, it is 'sanctuary.' Second, you meant to type 'cities,' not 'cites.' And the third error is your use of the word 'loose' when you what you meant is 'lose.' Please return to school before posting any other messages online. Thank you." 
Brian Shy: " Go to school to preach spelling and grammar if you are worried about it . This is not a class . Now back to the best president we ever had is the topic here i"
Brian Shy (responding to a comment I made to another person): "You do have rights and freedoms . You have the right to leave the country and the freedom to choose which one you want to go to"
My response: "Brian Shy, I told you to refrain from posting comments until you've gone back to school."
Then: "And Brian, your last post seems like something you read, not something you thought of yourself. My guess is you are incapable of actual thought. Perhaps it is simply because you are uneducated. I'd prefer to think of you as ignorant rather than an asshole, because I'm in the mood to be nice."
Brian Shy: "Haha Michael the liberal troll . More worried about insults and spelling than topics lol"
Brian Shy: " At least I went . I think your mom home schooled you . Did she pass you after the second grade or give up on you"
My response: "Brian Shy, there you go again. Folks, Brian Shy is typical of the Trump supporter - a complete and utter moron without an original thought, without compassion, without understanding, but with a few phrases and words he can recall from speeches and rallies, phrases and words he clings to as Truth, phrases and words he takes to bed and is comforted by."  
My last response to Brian Shy: "One last thing, Brian. I don't believe you went to school. Or, at least, I don't believe you paid any attention. The proof is in your original post, which I commented on already. But a reminder: 'Sanctionary'? Now, good night, stupid person, and may flights of angels shit on your face as you sleep."   

Alternative Fact: May 4, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump wants to make one small amendment to the Constitution. He simply wishes to include a small, tasteful advertisement for The Mar-a-Lago Club. "Wherever there is empty space on the paper, space that's not being used for Constitution stuff," Donald explained. "I haven't seen it, but Ivanka told me there is plenty of space in the upper right corner near something about 'the wee people.'"

Alternative Fact: May 3, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump maintains that calling Senator Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" isn't racist, adding that he calls Hillary Clinton "Maleficent," Sean Spicer "Tinker Bell," Steve Bannon "Dumbo," Kellyanne Conway "Sir Hiss" and Ivanka "Jessica Rabbit."

Alternative Fact: May 2, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has promised that within the next hundred days he'll stop publicly congratulating himself on what he perceives to be great accomplishments of his first one hundred days playing president.

Alternative Fact: May 1, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Kellyanne Conway denied laying a new clutch of eggs over the weekend, explaining that her breeding time is still nearly a month away and that for now she is entirely focused on helping the president chew his food.