Alternative Fact: August 31, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Whenever you hear Donald Trump say something racist or criminal or untrue or just plain stupid, it is because the audio file has been doctored by left-leaning media employees. Likewise, when you see him looking fat, disheveled and disoriented, it is because the image has been tampered with. Donald Trump is actually a kind, well-spoken, fit young man.

Alternative Fact: August 30, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Not all Trump supporters are stupid Nazis.

Alternative Fact: August 29, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, no longer able to accept negative news articles about himself, has ordered the creation of a new line of special Trump Computers, which will be available to all Americans for a great price. Every American will be legally obligated to turn in his or her current computers at designated government sites, and then will be sold the new Trump Computers. "They're going to be great," Donald told reporters. "When you turn on the machines, Lara Trump's face will greet you with the latest news of how great I am. And if you try to go to a site like CNN or The New York Times, the computer will issue a loud warning and then crash. It will also send a signal to the White House computer, so we'll know exactly who is trying to read fake news about your favorite president."

Alternative Fact: August 28, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump said today that if he does go to prison, it is merely because he has decided to tackle prison reform from the inside. "It may take me ten to twenty years, but I'll make prison great again!"

Alternative Fact: August 27, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Melania Trump's pimp confirmed that Melania has indeed extended her contract to play Donald Trump's wife for another three years. "As anxious as I am to get that bitch back on the streets, I just couldn't turn down the money those fools were tossing my way," he told reporters.

Alternative Fact: August 26, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Two scientists who were part of the team sent into Lara Trump's giant mouth to explore the dangerous territory within have died. "We're lucky any of us survived," said Nathan Evers, one of the three explorers who made it back alive. "It's much worse than any of us imagined. We're now considering different options, but I believe Lara Trump's mouth should be permanently sealed up so that no one else has to suffer."

Alternative Fact: August 25, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Melania Trump has agreed to extend her contract as Donald's wife for another three years. According to her pimp, she will receive a significant raise, though the exact amount remains undisclosed. The contract stipulates that she will visit Donald Trump in prison at least twice a month, for no less than fifty minutes each time. According to a source close to Melania, there is nothing in the contract about physical contact with Donald. "Melania would not have signed it otherwise," the source said.

Alternative Fact: August 24, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump will still get Secret Service protection in prison. Mostly they will be protecting him from his new spouse, a burly biker named Knuckles Nick.

More Fun With The NRA

If you are in the habit of using your brain, then you understand that the solution to the gun problem is not more guns. The lunatics of the NRA, however, believe that the only way to stop gun violence is for more people to own guns. Actually, the NRA does not give a shit about stopping gun violence. The NRA cares only about selling more guns. And so it spreads terror and fear, and then tells people the way to combat this fear is by purchasing weapons. What I'd like to do is toss all of these people into a giant blender and make a smoothie. But I do not have a giant blender. So I simply poke fun at these asses. You can too! They love it when you point out their group's Russian connection.

NRA: "Gun control advocates undoubtedly awoke with a piercing headache Wednesday morning as the news sunk in that the #9thCircuitCourt has recognized that the #2A PROTECTS A RIGHT TO OPENLY CARRY #FIREARMS IN PUBLIC FOR SELF DEFENSE!"
My response: "Hurrah! This is excellent news for people who want to pretend to be action movie characters. Now Russians can dress up like Rambo and not have to carry cheap toy guns."

NRA: "@NRA Endorses Representative Diane Black for Governor. "For over two decades ... @DianeBlackTN has never wavered in the fight to expand and protect the #2A rights of law-abiding citizens"
My response: "Oh yes, I think the Second Amendment should be expanded to include tanks, fighter jets and nuclear weapons. Right, comrades?"

Morgan Sachs (also posted by NRA): "Ran into a guy I went to high school with who stopped me to tell me how much he supported what I was doing for the #2A You’ll encounter a lot of haters doing this but it’s the little moments like this that make it all worth it tbh"
My response: "That's right! It's those little moments that matter so much - like when you run into someone you went to high school with, and maybe you shoot that person, and maybe you don't. But it's all about choice, and nostalgia, remembering those two years you went to high school."

NRA: "Once again, an anti-gun authority figure is caught harassing a student who supports the #2A. This time, a @PBAUniversity coach told a student athlete he had to choose between playing lacrosse and posting non-threatening hunting/firearm photos."
My response: "Wow! The choice is clear. After all, lacrosse can be dangerous. You might get hit with one of those sticks those violent children are so fond of carrying. It's much better and safer to play with guns. Besides, you have to practice for the day you bring the guns to school."

NRA: ".@NRA is set to support America’s Shooting Team during @USAShooting's National Sporting Clays Cup Fundraiser on August 30 at @TheForkFarm and @ChildressWines!"
My response: "Hurrah for the shooting team! This is such a good idea, because it's safer if you shoot people with a team of conspirators. At least one of you can stand watch for the police and warn the others when it's time to run. Right, comrades?"

NRA: "After several carjackings, a high-speed chase on a dirt bike, and the brandishing of a sawed-off shotgun, an #armedcitizen helped save the day in #Georgia. Good guys with guns help all the time, but how often do you see it reported?"
My response: "That's right: all the time, good people with guns are helping us. Like just this morning, a woman with a gun helped make the line in front of the ATM shorter for me. And a guy with a gun tried to get rid of a few of the drivers causing traffic for me. Keep winning, comrades!"

NRA: "Criminals will obey gun control laws. #NationalTellAJokeDay"
My response: "Ha! You're right, we just shouldn't have any gun control laws. Also, criminals don't obey laws against rape, so we should get rid of those laws too. Criminals don't obey laws against child abuse, so let's just make that legal too. Great idea, comrades!"

NRA: "Politicians from the largest city in the #Canadian #gun control stronghold of Quebec plan to put their weight behind a raft of severe gun restrictions next week."
My response: "Gun restrictions? That's crazy. How will children be able to get a hold of guns to kill their classmates then? I bet the NRA will put its weight behind opposing any such restrictions. Right, comrades?"
Jbarnz71: "Do you keep your car keys in a safe at home? How about your medicine? Cleaning supplies? Gasoline?..."
My response: "You bet I do! I don't want any illegal immigrants getting their hands on my cleaning supplies. Right, comrades?"
Jbarnz71: "I am a bot from mother Russia. I am here to arm Americans to make them the largest army on the plant. This is how we will defeat the USA. By making sure they have 2a rights will be much easier for invasion"
My response: "Wow, it's quite a serious plan you've got there, comrade. Well, good luck to you and that giant plant. Where is this plant where you're storing your giant army? Or is that a secret?"

NRA: "Six year old and twelve year old teaching the safety rules in STL"
My response: "Excellent! The more children with guns, the safer everyone will be. The only thing that can stop a bad child with a gun is a good child with a gun. Right, comrades?"

NRA: "For women, guns can make the difference between life and death."
My response: "I agree! Guns can mean the difference between life and death for women (as well as men). If guns didn't exist, women wouldn't get shot to death. Nor would men. I'm surprised and delighted that the NRA is admitting this."

NRA: "This one #gun-grabbing #protestor thinks THAT YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO #DEFEND YOUR LIFE if an #intruder breaks into your house. The #NRA and our 6 million members know better than this and we will never stop fighting for the #2A!"
My response: "That's crazy! Of course if someone breaks into your house, you should shoot him with a semi-automatic rifle. Even if someone just gets too close to your house. Or if you've invited him in, but he overstays his welcome. Right, comrades? The answer is always: Shoot people."

(Also, people, can everyone please stop putting the number sign in front of every fucking word? Enough of that shit already!)

Alternative Fact: August 17, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump once again affirmed his love of the Second Amendment to the Constitution. "The Second Amendment is great," he said. "Everyone except blacks should have guns. We are looking into some of the other amendments, however, to see if they still work in the new great America I've created. Specifically, we are looking at maybe getting rid of the Thirteenth, Fifteenth, and Nineteenth Amendments. Stephen Miller told me those are the bad ones. Also, we might want to make some changes to the First Amendment. Newspapers shouldn't be allowed to say negative things about me."

Alternative Fact: August 16, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump is the least racist person there is. "Blacks are great," he told reporters. "I love those people. They're excellent football players. I used to own some of them, you know." At first reporters believed Trump was referring to the New Jersey Generals, a football team he purchased in the 1980s. But Donald set them straight: "No, I owned some black people. My father and I wouldn't let them rent apartments from us, of course, but we did keep a few in the basement to do custodial work. We had to let them out at some point in the 1970s when someone suddenly decided slavery was illegal."

Alternative Fact: August 15, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The job of hollowing out Sarah Huckabee Sanders to use her frame for the Space Force's first ship took much less time than Lionel Barron, the head of the operation, had expected. "I had a team of a dozen men with some serious tools ready to get the job done," Barron told reporters. "But when we opened her up, we found very little inside. Mostly it was a matter of cleaning up rat droppings. We were done in less than an hour."

Trump Supporters Are Idiots

Only the incredibly stupid can support a man as dumb and horrible as Donald Trump. This is obvious to everyone except those who do support the incestuous, mendacious swindler. There are a few Facebook pages where these morons gather to defend their racist hero. One of those pages is titled "Donald Trump Fan Club." I posted a recent alternative fact on that page: "Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Over the weekend, Donald Trump was given membership in a biker gang after promising he would share his girlfriend Ivanka with all the other members."

Here are the responses I received:

Pam Melancon: "U stupid dude!!"
Glenn Stanley: "Pam Melancon you are being very kind to this piece of excrement"
Numida Sumilang-Sunico: "You are sick..... very very sick"
Ellen Schumacher Harvey: "Your a sick puppy!!" 
Karen Lambert: "Your an idiot Michael Doherty and whats wrong with this great country"
My response: "Karen Lambert, learn the difference between 'your' and 'you're' before calling someone else an idiot. Also, you need an apostrophe in 'whats,' and some punctuation. What is it with you Trump supporters? Didn't any of you attend grammar school?"
Joe Cotton: "Is that funny to you? If so, Wow!"
My response: "Nothing about Trump is funny. He is a disgusting, repulsive creep who should be removed from the planet as soon as possible." 
Joe Cotton: "Michael Doherty being an idiot has nothing to do with grammer."
My response: "Joe Cotton, you misspelled 'grammar.'"
Joe Cotton: "Michael Doherty again is that funny to you?" 
My response: "Joe Cotton, what are you asking me? Are you asking me if your spelling mistake is funny? Or are you asking me to repeat an earlier answer I gave? I'm having trouble gauging just how stupid you are." 

I hope Pam, Glenn, Numida, Ellen, Karen and Joe all sign up for Space Force and are shot deep into space within the next few weeks. The world will be a better place without them.

Alternative Fact: August 13, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Over the weekend, Donald Trump was given membership in a biker gang after promising he would share his girlfriend Ivanka with all the other members.

Alternative Fact: August 12, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Before being hollowed out to create the first spaceship in Donald Trump's Space Force, Shifty-Eyed Sarah Huckabee Sanders bid a fond farewell to her beloved press corps, saying to them, "I only told lies because I thought the truth might upset you."

Alternative Fact: August 11, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump's Space Force idea is so ingenious that it has made every person in the country, including Robert Mueller, completely forget that he conspired with a foreign power to steal an election.

Alternative Fact: August 10, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): It was revealed today that the first ship of the new Space Force is going to be built using Sarah Huckabee Sanders' ample frame. It will house a crew of five and carry enough supplies to last them a month.

Alternative Fact: August 9, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Scientists have discovered that Lara Trump's giant mouth is actually the gateway to a series of caverns filled with noxious fumes and hideous beasts once thought to be merely figments of the imagination of mental patients. A team of explorers is now gearing up to explore this terrifying territory.

A Little More Fun With Trump Supporters (The Game That Keeps Us Sane)

There are some serious idiots out there. We refer to these sub-human cretins as "Trump supporters." You can't reason with them. You can't teach them. You can't help them. But you can poke fun at them. Yes, it is time for a little more Fun With Trump Supporters, the game that keeps us sane.

Craig Rickaway: "This country was one election away from being totally destroyed. Vote in November Folks. And VOTE CONSERVATIVE. Conservatives do not let Conservatives vote alone. Load up your cars and make sure every seat is occupied with a voter."
My response: "Craig, I agree! We are so lucky that Putin stepped in to save our country. Now we are safe. Well, except for children and teachers, of course. They are in constant danger. But who cares, right?" 

Marlene Glidden: "Sure is my plan and anyone else that has a brain will vote Republican"
My response: "Marlene, I agree! By the way, where do you keep your brain? A lot of my Republican friends keep theirs in the garage, but I think possible oil leaks could damage it. Where is the safest place to keep a brain until the day when it might once again be needed?" 

Jeannie Hathaway Ruffin: "Tired of the pure evil going on and laws not being enforced. Treason committed openly by our government officials against a sitting President!! More than sick. I'm disgusted."
My response: "Jeannie, I agree: you are more than sick. And you're right. How can anyone say anything against a president who is always seated? Don't they know he has trouble walking? Don't they know he's just a lazy bastard? Leave the lazy bastard alone, and stop saying bad things about him. Seriously, like you said, it is pure evil to say anything bad about the president, even if he does fuck his own daughter and destroy democracy and hand the country over to Russia."

Donna Long: "Mr Trump, do NOT allow these people to get under your skin. Keep toxic people at arms length. Not worth your time or energy. We know the truth. Love the rallies!!!"
My response: "Donna, I agree! Donald Trump should not let people dig under his skin. What are they looking for under there anyway? I don't think he keeps his tax returns under several layers of fat. Where are those tax returns, by the way? But, Donna, I think toxic stuff should be at least two arms' length away. Better safe than sorry! I mean, we don't want Donald Trump getting some kind of disease as a result of his being only one arm's length away from toxic waste. Because then a doctor might have to give him a shot, and that would go under his skin." 

Matt Campbell: " I WAS PUTTING GAS IN MY VEHICLE WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD STEPPED IN DOG POOP. THE SMELL WAS HORENDOUS. THEN I SAW A HILLARY STICKER ON THE CAR NEXT TO ME. I IMMEDIATELY APOLOGIZED TO EVERY DOG I SAW."
My response: "Matt Campbell, wow! How were you able to immediately apologize to every dog you saw? I would think you might be able to immediately apologize to one dog, but then it would take a moment before you could apologize to another dog. How many dogs did you see? How many dogs did you apologize to? Was there a dog park near by? A kennel? By the way, what was it that you stepped in, if it wasn't dog poop? It was probably dog poop, you know." 

Vlouise Mandrell: "NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!"
(This was in response to Donald Trump claiming that the Democrats want to abolish ICE.) 
My response: "Ooh, all capital letters and multiple exclamation points. You must mean business, Vlouise Mandrell. There's no better way to get your point across than by using all capital letters, right? Hmm. Let me try: VLOUISE MANDRELL, YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT! Oh yes, I think that worked. Did you get my message?" 

On Twitter, an idiot calling himself BKR (@bkbkb79) commented on something I had posted, leading to this little exchange.
BKR: "Trumps getting the job done. What’s the problem"
My response: "What job is he getting done precisely? I need you to be incredibly specific here. What is Trump accomplishing? (Also, you need an apostrophe before the S in 'Trumps getting.')"
BKR: "You’ll just have to get over my spelling. If it bothers you then thats your problem not mine"
My response: "You haven't answered the question. And you need an apostrophe in 'thats.' And a comma after 'problem.' And a period at the end of the sentence."
My response: "And actually, your poor communication skills are your problem, not mine. You should look into improving them."
My response: "And, I should point out, you still haven't actually answered the question. I know why you haven't. Do you?" 

There is a page on Facebook called "Donald Trump Fan Club." Occasionally, I will leave a comment on this page. And after Donald Trump's blatant treason, I left this comment: "Hi there, treason-lovers! I just wanted to make sure you've all read the latest chapter in The Adventures Of Donald Trump. If it's too much for you to handle, get a friendly liberal person to read it to you. Here is the link." And I included the link to "Donald Trump And The Great Guardian Of The Gold."

Someone named Tony Hill responded: "Reading fiction is not what I like to read that’s why don’t read any liberal snowflake comments"
A stupid comment, obviously. It is presented as once sentence, without punctuation, and with the silly "snowflake" thing. But then Mark Mcquaid decided to add his life's only thought so far to the mix.

Mark Mcquaid: "Tony Hill I know libitards are the dumbest people on earth lmfao"
My response: "Mark Mcquaid, people who use non-words like "libtards" - and then even misspell them ("libitards") - are the dumbest creatures in existence. Mark, don't ever attempt to insult another person's intelligence again. Just don't even try it, you sad little turd. You are too stupid to even recognize your own stupidity."
My second response: "Mark Mcquaid is the kind of guy who couldn't hold down a job at Domino's."
(I wrote that because I went to his Facebook profile, and he had listed as his profession, "Former Pizza delivery at Domino's Pizza." I'm not kidding.)
My third response: "Mark Mcquaid is the kind of guy who has mittens clipped to his jacket."
My fourth response: " Mark Mcquaid is the kind of guy who took his sister to the prom, then complained to his mom when she refused to put out."
My fifth response (yeah, I was being a bit mean to this loser, but sometimes I just get annoyed): "Mark Mcquaid is the kind of guy who writes 'right' and 'left' on his shoes to avoid time-consuming confusion, but then still puts them on the wrong feet."

Yes, the dumbest people on the internet can be found on the Donald Trump Fan Club Facebook page. The site posted a photo of Donald and his prostitute Melania. And someone named Doug Burns left a comment, which began this little conversation...

Doug Burns: "THEY ARE THE NEXT BEST THING SENCE PEANUT BUTTER"
My response: "Idiots love capital letters. Idiots love to misspell words. Idiots hate punctuation. How's it going, Doug?"
Doug Burns: "LIKES LIKE YOU 2 ARE THE IDIOTS I THANK YOU"
My response: "Doug Burns, yup, idiots certainly do love capital letters. Idiots hate punctuation. Need any help tying your shoes, Doug?"
I went to Doug Burns' Facebook page, and had another laugh. So I went back to the Donald Trump Fan Club page, and added another response.
My response: "Doug Burns is such a complete moron that he actually misspelled 'transportation' on his Facebook page. That's right. Here is Doug's own job description: 'Senior Maintenance Supervisor at MISSOURI DEPT. OF TRANSPERTATION.' And look at that, more capital letters. Wow. Doug, you must be the kind of person who has mittens clipped to his jacket, even in summer."  
Doug didn't give up, the poor little bastard.
Doug Burns: "O YEAL HAVE YOUR SELF A GOOD ONE"
My response: "Doug Burns, 'YEAL'? What does that mean? Also, 'yourself' is one word, not two. And seriously, Doug, you might want to look into punctuation, what it is, what it does, how it helps."

On that Donald Trump Fan Club page, Andrew Barrow started another delightful exchange.
Andrew Barrow: "Yes to bad he can't stay president from now on"
My response: "Yes, and too bad Trump supporters don't know the difference between 'to' and 'too.'"
Mary Smith: "He will be re-elected in 2020!!"
My response: "Clearly, you people hate democracy and hate the country. Otherwise, you wouldn't wish a dictator on us like that. By now you know that he is a traitor and a Russian puppet, and cares nothing whatsoever for this country, only for his own coffers."
Linda Caswell: "Michael Doherty Obama is the traitor"
My response: "Linda Caswell, why don't you explain your ridiculous claim?"
Linda Caswell: "Michael Doherty your wrong, too is the same as also.two is the number 2 and to is used just the way Andrew Borrow used it... "
My response: "Linda Caswell, you're wrong. And you're wrong in using 'your' instead of 'you're' when you typed 'your wrong.' Wow. Linda, you are one amazing idiot. Good for you!"
My second response: "Linda Caswell, also, I am still waiting to hear the evidence backing your insane claim. Hurry up, idiot." 
Linda did not respond, so a little later I left one more comment.
My third response: "Well, of course Linda is silent now. Because there is nothing to back her insane claim. Linda Caswell is probably heavily medicated by now. Good work, nurses!" 

Donald Trump Fan Club: "I still believe in one nation under God. Share if you agree!"
My response: "I agree. One nation under Athena! All I ever want to do is please her."

FOX News: "Convicted child rapist escapes from Kansas prison three days after arrival"
My response: "He's probably at the Trump Nazi rally. Look for him there."

There is also this:

 
***********************************

And a little fun with Donald Trump himself...

On Facebook, Donald Trump posted: "Brett Kavanaugh is an incredibly qualified nominee who deserves swift confirmation and robust bipartisan support!"
My response: "Donald, you are guilty of treason and under investigation. You should not be nominating anyone, but rather putting your affairs in order. Extend Melania's contract so that you'll have someone visit you in prison." 

Donald Trump (on Facebook): "The Fake News Media is going crazy! They make up stories without any backup, sources or proof. Many of the stories written about me, and the good people surrounding me, are TOTAL FICTION!"
My response: "I agree. Donald Trump himself is total fiction. Nothing he says is based in anything even approaching reality. So any story about him must be fiction too, right? I say we should kill him off in the next story, and introduce some better characters to this story line." 

Donald Trump (on Facebook): "NATO is paying their fair share and nobody has been tougher on Russia than me. Big results will come!"
My response: "That's right, Donald. You show Russia a tough kind of love. Like when Putin demands you strip and take a dog's member in your mouth, you sometimes cry a little first. That shows you're stalling and not eager to obey your master. Keep up the good fight, Donald!"