Donald Trump And The Great Guardian Of The Gold

     Many years ago, Fred Trump sank three containers filled with gold bars into the swamp of Washington, D.C., with the aim of retrieving them when they were needed, and when the heat died down a bit. But that time never came, and on his deathbed he told his son Donald about the gold. “This gold will make you a billionaire,” he told him.

     “I’m a billionaire!” Donald exclaimed.

     “Not until you retrieve the containers,” Fred cautioned.

     But Donald was no longer listening. “Think of all the businesses I can start and let fail,” he mused. He left the hospital room and did not hear his father’s dying words. Those words were the exact location of the gold.

     As the years went by, Donald Trump had many successes, and even more failures, but he never forgot about the gold. At least once a year, he ventured to the nation’s capital with the aim of finding it, but all his efforts met with failure. “I’m just going to have to drain the damn swamp,” he said one day, exasperated. Those around him suddenly cheered. They loved the idea. The people wanted him to find the gold. The people loved him, and wanted him to be rich. And so he vowed to become rich for the people. To do that, he would need to become the president of the United States, he surmised. Then he’d have the authority to drain the swamp and retrieve his gold.

     Donald was upset to find that the job of president was already taken. And by a black man! His father would never have approved of that. So, for daddy, Donald also vowed that he would take the job from that man and would reverse every single policy that he had put into place. And that is exactly what Donald did. But that kept him busy, and he found he had no time to drain the swamp. Not that he wasn’t enjoying himself. Donald was having a grand time. He especially enjoyed the rallies, where supporters repeatedly urged him to retrieve his gold, though they treated him as if he had already done so. Donald appreciated that, but was still determined to get his hands on those coffers. He needed to make sure no one else got to them. He had to drain the swamp.

     He decided to involve a couple of his closest friends in this important endeavor, and chose trusted imp Rudy Giuliani and professional airbag Sean Hannity. Both had assisted him in previous adventures. Sean had enough money that Donald believed he would not attempt to make off with the gold himself, and Rudy had no need for material possessions, existing mainly on an alternate plane of existence. Yes, they were just the two to assist him on this mission.

     Months earlier, Donald had appointed Eric Trump to guard the swamp, to make sure no one else attempted to go diving for the gold. When he, Rudy and Sean arrived, Eric was seated on the same log at the edge of the swamp where Donald had left him. He had a box of cheap Halloween costumes next to him, which he used to scare off any intruders. Eric’s favorite disguise was also the simplest – a white hooded garment which he draped over his body in imitation of a ghost. It was this outfit that he wore when the group came upon him that morning. Eric made a valiant attempt to frighten Rudy, not realizing that Rudy was a demonic creature himself and so on somewhat friendly terms with ghosts and other denizens of the dark.

     “Boo!” Eric shouted when he spotted Rudy.

     “Boo yourself,” Rudy replied, and assumed one of the twisted forms he liked to adopt in these situations. Eric immediately wet himself, then saw Donald approaching behind Rudy. He ran to Donald and dropped to the ground at his feet, hugging his legs. “It was horrible,” he whined in terror to Donald. Donald rightly ignored him and focused his attention on Nancy Pelosi, who was running up behind Sean.

     “Hannity, look out,” Donald shouted to him.

     Sean suddenly dropped to the ground, causing Nancy to trip over his ample form.

     “Good work, Sean,” Donald said. Sean beamed at him, basking in his idol’s praise. Donald turned his attention to Nancy. “Now I’ve got you, Nancy,” he told her.

     “Donald, you can’t drain the swamp,” Nancy said as she stood up and brushed the dirt from her suit.

     “How did you find out? Who told you about this?”

     “Rudy did. He was on network television this morning and couldn’t stop talking about it.”

     Donald shot an angry look at his imp, who cowered briefly, hating to displease his master. He then turned back to Nancy. “Nancy, go away. The menfolk have work to do.”

     “Donald, you can’t drain the swamp. Doing so will free Uertha, a creature we imprisoned there more than three decades ago. If you free her, she will destroy humanity.”

     “Why is that any of my concern?” Donald asked.

     “Donald, the gold isn’t worth it.”

     “How did you know about – ” Donald turned angrily to Rudy, who quickly disappeared, retreating to its native dimension. Donald was livid. How dare anyone tell him that gold isn’t worth something? His gold! Donald Trump may be new to politics, but he was certainly not new to money and its worth.

     Uertha was a dangerous being that emerged into our reality during Ronald Reagan’s 1980 presidential campaign. It created havoc among the population, without many even being aware of it, so strong were its powers of mind control. People who had never voted for a Republican candidate before suddenly found themselves marking their ballots for Reagan. But before Uertha could do more extensive and irreparable damage, a team of daring politicians banded together to imprison the malicious, mischievous creature in the one place no one cared to visit – the swamp of Washington, D.C. It was a fierce battle, but the politicians were ultimately victorious. However, part of the reason Uertha remained in the swamp to this day was the three coffers of gold she discovered near the place where she dwelt far beneath the surface of the swamp. She understood the value of gold perhaps even better than did Donald. She and the gold had been together for so long now that she thought of it as her own. So did those who imprisoned her there. Uertha guarded over her treasure with a quick and angry hand. Several early seekers of the gold met their deaths there, and the politicians worked diligently to expunge any word of the treasure from the consciousness of the citizenry in order to prevent more deaths.

     Donald knew none of this. Even after Nancy explained it to him. “I am here to drain the swamp,” he said. “And that’s that.”

     “There is another option, Master,” Rudy piped in, suddenly reappearing at Donald’s side.

     Donald, after a moment, gave Rudy his attention. “You have an idea, Rudy?”

     “Yes, Master, I do.”

     Rudy, being more at home in dark realms than on the earth’s surface, was capable of surviving in the murky waters of the swamp. He had no need of air. He considered this one of his strengths in his occasional position as a lawyer. He could, he believed, though he’d never actually attempted it, impart this ability onto another for a brief period. Share his lifeless breath with a human. And so, together, he and Donald could venture into the swamp, defeat Uertha and retrieve Donald’s treasure.

     There was danger, but Donald, being a fearless warrior, approved the plan immediately. The possibility of meeting his death in the depths of the stagnant water left him undaunted. After all, even though he never actually served in the military, he felt like he had, and he knew more about fighting than all the generals combined. Besides, no woman had defeated him yet, and Donald did not expect that to change. Sean was to remain as look-out at the edge of the swamp, keeping an eye on Nancy so she wouldn’t escape and alert others of the plan.

     “What about me?” Eric asked, suddenly realizing that his position was being assumed by Hannity.

     “You help scare off any intruders,” Donald told him.

     “Yes, Sir!”

     “All right, I’m ready,” Donald said, after he and Rudy had waded out into the muck.

     Rudy smiled at him, then put his lips against Donald’s lips, locking their mouths together as they dipped below the surface of the swamp. Sean stood at the edge, watching nervously, jealously. If only he were a demi-human, then it would be his lips locked to Donald’s. Sometimes life was terribly cruel.

     The swamp was large, and they moved slowly through the slime. It would have taken Donald a long time to find Uertha on his own, time he’d prefer to spend with his girlfriend Ivanka. But Rudy was able to sense the presence of other subhuman entities, and used this power to guide Donald to her. As they moved through the mire, Donald became disgusted with the living conditions down there. How could anyone exist in this? Donald began to think that Nancy had told him a tall tale. Donald knew a thing or two about tall tales. His father, Fred, had taught him that people will love you if you tell them what they want to hear, regardless of a statement’s truth. He also heard somewhere that knowledge is power. And so he withheld the truth from others. If they became powerful, he reasoned, they would be a threat to him.

     “Son, there are only two things that matter in life,” Fred told Donald when Donald was five years old. “Money and power.”

     Daddy was a wise man, Donald realized. In his teen years, Donald challenged Fred, saying he had come up with a third item to add to that short list. “Girls.”

     “Nonsense,” Fred retorted. “They fall under the first category. If you have enough money, you can buy whatever girls you want.”
     Donald never questioned his father again.

     Melania had been a good purchase, and had given him many hours of pleasure, but she was getting older and more stubborn. I might have to make a new purchase soon, Donald thought. In fact, that is what he was thinking about when he suddenly spotted Uertha. She was in a clearing in the muck, suspended in surprisingly pristine waters. And she was beautiful. And young. Donald guessed her to be twelve or thirteen, fourteen tops.

    “Wow,” he said, excited and no longer worried about his safety.

     Rudy became alarmed at the change in his master’s disposition. At first, he was unsure of the reason, then saw Donald staring at Uertha.

     “She’s beautiful,” Donald said.

     Rudy looked again at Uertha, seeing a hideous creature, someone he himself could go for, particularly as they were related by blood, but someone far from what his master was used to. Then it occurred to Rudy what Uertha was doing.

     “Don’t be fooled by her appearance, Donald. This creature is ageless.”

     “So she’s legal?” Donald asked.

     “Who dares disturb my lair?” Uertha demanded. “Whoever you may be, prepare to meet your doom.”

     Meanwhile, at the edge of the swamp a crowd was gathering. Very few of them had been frightened away by Eric’s costume, and Sean was too busy keeping an eye on Nancy to deal with this sudden throng. He did notice that none of them seemed prepared or eager to rescue Nancy. And then it hit him – these were his people. They were supporters of Donald who had come to cheer him on.

     Donald’s guard was down, and Rudy became desperate in his efforts to convince Donald that Uertha was his enemy. But Donald refused to see it.

     “I have towers and golf courses named after me,” Donald told the creature, in line with his practiced method of wooing. “And I’m going to build more once I retrieve my gold.”

     At the mention of the gold, Uertha tensed up. She knew she’d have to dispatch this intruder now, before he and his pet imp got any closer to her treasure. Rather than physically fight an opponent, Uertha’s preferred method of attack was to cause him to harm himself, to plant suicidal thoughts in his mind and let him do her work himself. She could tell immediately that her opponent was a dolt, and figured he would be easily swayed by her power. After all, she’d already demonstrated her dominance over him by almost effortlessly convincing him that her appearance was other than it truly was. And once he was dead, his imp would return to its own dimension and no longer pose a threat to her.

     But as she began to work on his will, Donald continued to talk about building more golf courses. “I love golf,” he told her. “I golf almost every day at the courses I own, and I make the tax payers pay for it.” What was wrong? Had she underestimated him? She planted dark thoughts in his brain, one after another, but his narcissism was too strong to fall for them. Uertha searched through Donald’s mind for some weakness in his ego, a weakness she could exploit, but found none. She’d had no trouble convincing him she was a beautiful young girl, because that’s precisely what Donald wanted to see anyway. But there was nothing in him that would ever want to cause himself harm. Uertha would have to attack him another way. Yet she suddenly doubted her own physical prowess. It had been decades since she’d had to fight with her claws. And she realized that the large man had been advancing upon her the entire time he’d been bragging about his golf courses. Soon he would be within arm’s reach of both her and the gold.

     His imp, meanwhile, continued to try to pull Donald away from her rather than attack. And so it was to him that she spoke. “Perhaps we could reach a bargain,” she told Rudy.

     Rudy stopped, shocked. He had never heard one of his relatives speak of bargains before. Not that he could recall, anyway. He thought it might possibly be a trap, but he was also concerned that Donald might soon and suddenly find himself unable to breathe down there, and they needed to conclude their business quickly. Cautiously he asked what Uertha proposed.

     “You may take one of the coffers up to the surface and use the gold to purchase more golf courses,” she said. “But the other two must remain here with me. And you must name at least one of the golf courses after me.” Uertha too had an ego, and would be content knowing that she retained the larger portion of the gold.

     It was Donald who first responded. “No, sweet thing, I need all the gold,” he said. But Rudy, seizing the opportunity to act as Donald’s lawyer, interrupted, and asked Uertha for a moment to speak alone with his client. Rudy then urged Donald to accept Uertha’s offer, reminding him that even with just one of the coffers he would have enough money to be a billionaire, and that no one else need know there were any other coffers down there.

     Sean Hannity was getting nervous. Though the crowd around him was jubilant, he feared that Donald had been in the murky depths far too long. He also knew that Rudy could become a bit unhinged in times of stress, and wished he were down there to protect Donald himself. He would never let anything happen to that darling man. Just as he made the decision to abandon his post guarding Nancy and began to unbutton his shirt, Donald triumphantly broke the water’s surface, holding a coffer up high over his head. The crowd broke out in wild applause.

     “I have vanquished the creature and returned with the treasure,” he exclaimed as he emerged from the swamp. His supporters nearly swooned at this proclamation, and at their proximity to their hero. Only Nancy eyed the swamp suspiciously, but she remained silent.

     Sean was the first to reach Donald, throwing his arms around him in joy. “I am so relieved that you are all right,” he told him. Eric, still in his ghost costume, also hugged Donald. Donald, pushing Eric away, turned to Rudy and Sean and said quietly, “We’ll go back down there for the rest of the gold soon, once the excitement dies down.” Donald then turned to the crowd of supporters and led them in a “Donald Trump is great” cheer.


And be sure to enjoy the other installments of The Adventures Of Donald Trump:
1. Donald Trump And The Great Easter Egg Hunt
2. Donald Trump And The Great Witch Hunt
3. Donald Trump And The Search For The Great Golden Fountains