Donald Trump And The Search For The Great Golden Fountains

      Donald Trump and his girlfriend Ivanka were playing Donald’s favorite board game, Monopoly. Donald had adapted the rules somewhat, and would begin each game by borrowing heavily from the bank. Often he would keep his game piece at the bank, and instruct other players to make the purchases he wanted. In that way, no one was really playing against him. And that’s how Donald liked it. His best friend, Michael Cohen, was usually his favorite companion in the game. But Michael was busy buying sixteen new phones and destroying secret documents in his tree fort, and Ivanka filled in nicely for him. She and her pet rabbit Jared were willing to play the game however Donald wanted it played. They both understood that rules don’t apply to everyone in the same way. Donald made sure the bank gave them some money and property too, though he didn’t allow any other players to put up hotels on their properties. While Donald was busy putting up his newest gold hotel (he’d had a servant paint the pieces), he received an urgent call from his pal Vladimir.

     Vladimir had helped Donald out of several jams in the past, but now Vladimir needed his help in solving a mystery. Two of Vlad’s best gals had disappeared. At first Donald wasn’t sure why he was being called about this matter, until Vlad told him the names of the missing girls – Cherry and Nikki. Donald knew them well. They had helped him get revenge on one of his major adversaries, Barack, by urinating all over a bed that he once slept in. It was a sweet moment, perhaps the best moment of the last decade, and afterward Donald had made a list of other items Barack had touched, for further revenge. So he was eager to get in touch with these two beautiful women anyway. Great gorgeous golden fountains, he thought of them. And he loved all things golden. But now they were missing, and it was up to Donald to solve the case.

     Vlad told him he could assemble a small team to aid him, that he would cover the costs, so Donald invited his close friend Sean and his human gargoyle, Rudy. Donald explained to them the mission. Both were excited about the trip to Russia. Rudy showed his excitement by catching small rodents in his teeth and leaving them in front of Donald’s bedroom door. Sean exclaimed, at receiving the invitation, “Oh, we can have a pajama party in the hotel, and I can wear my new big boy pajamas.” He added, “It will be even better having you right next to me than talking to you all night on the phone.”

     “True,” Donald agreed. “But remember, we have a job to do. Our focus must be on the golden fountains. Code name: pee-pee girls. We have to find them and give them this list I made of things for them to pee on.”

     “Of course,” Sean said. “But we’ll have the entire plane ride over to cuddle and talk.”

     And that’s exactly what they did, while Rudy slept peacefully in the cage at Donald’s feet. It was a good thing Rudy was well rested, because as soon as they landed, Donald sent him out to catch the scent. “Find anything that’s been peed on,” he told Rudy. Donald gave him a small strip of the bed sheet he had saved from the hotel room he’d shared with the golden fountains. Rudy held the cloth in his mouth and bounded out into the streets. “Go get ‘em, boy,” Donald shouted after him in encouragement.

     Sean then turned to Donald, and said, “Should the two of us get settled into our hotel room?”

     Rudy ran through the city, the soiled sheet dangling from his mouth. It wasn’t long before he picked up the scent. And once he caught it, he couldn’t lose it. These girls had peed on everything! It ended up confusing Rudy, and he leaped from one side of the road to the other, from park bench to parked car, from building to building, clinging to fire escapes and balconies, his nose aflame with the scent. Was there anything these girls hadn’t peed on? But Rudy soon realized these were old trails. He needed to find a more recent sample of their golden delights. He was going to need to do some investigative work. But first he needed to go to the hotel room for a treat.

     When he got to the suite, Donald and Sean were in bed. He bounded over to Donald’s side of the bed, and sat on the carpet, waiting patiently for his master’s attention.

     “Back so soon, boy?” Donald asked when he noticed Rudy several minutes later. “Oh, I know what you want. Sean, hand me my pants. I keep treats for Rudy in one of my pockets.”

     Once Rudy had eaten a couple of treats, he was ready to make his report. “The scent of Cherry and Niki is all over this city,” he told Donald. “But the trails are all old. I need to go to their home, or wherever they were last seen, so I can pick up a fresh trail.”

     “Good thinking, Rudy,” Donald told him. “We’ll all go together.” He turned to Sean. “Sean, you’ll have to change out of your pajamas.”

     Sean pouted, but obeyed, pulling off his one-piece pajamas that had “I’m a big boy” printed on the front.

     Less than an hour later the three of them stood in the girls’ apartment. It was Donald’s first time inside it. On his previous trip he had simply honked his horn, and they had come running out to the street. Their apartment was surprisingly tasteful, rather sparsely decorated, and Donald didn’t care for it. Sean stepped into the closet to look for clues while Rudy began sniffing around on the floor. When Rudy got near the bedroom window he started salivating.

     “Found something, Rudy?” Donald asked.

     “The trail begins at the window,” Rudy replied.

     The window was open, and Rudy immediately leaped out through it onto the walkway

     “Sean, let’s go,” Donald shouted to his friend. “Rudy has picked up the trail.”

     Sean stepped out of the closet, wearing a long, terribly revealing dress which was much too snug for his generous frame. “I thought it might help to have something of theirs,” he explained.

     “Quick, out the window,” Donald told him, and Sean climbed out, as Donald made his way around through the door. By the time Donald made it to the side of the building, Rudy was beside himself with excitement, leaping and shouting. The gargoyle had a lot of energy, a lot of spirit, and was eager to please his master. Perhaps that was to make up for moments when he had disappointed him, saying things he shouldn’t have said. Rudy loved to talk, and he loved being at the center of events, and sometimes that eliminated his underdeveloped sense of discretion. Donald reprimanded him then, taking away his favorite squeaky toy and not letting him drink the blood of any stray dogs for a fortnight. It was an ache and humiliation Rudy did not want to suffer again. He would never let his master down in that way, not if he could help it. And now he felt positively electric, the stench of urine strong in his nose, victory nearly in reach. But he had to wait for his master to give the signal. Donald seemed to enjoy keeping Rudy in this heightened state, waiting several moments to catch his breath after the walk around the building before finally saying, “Okay, let’s get them.”

     Rudy then leaped straight into the air, propelling himself forward by his own foul and fetid wind.

     “That creature is full of surprises,” Sean observed, and he and Donald followed him down the street. Sean, who never really looked into matters very closely, began to ponder the girls’ fates. Clearly, someone had grabbed them. Or scared them. People don’t generally leave their apartments through their windows. He didn’t doubt that they would find the girls, but he wasn’t sure what condition they’d be in when they did. Donald’s extended plans for revenge might not work out. Of course, he kept those thoughts to himself as they followed Rudy through the city.

     Ahead, Rudy stopped in front of a particularly imposing building. He stared up at its dark edifice and grimaced. There was danger here. He felt it in the scales of his skin. But he was also certain that Cherry and Nikki were somewhere inside.

     “In there, Rudy?” Donald asked, when he and Sean caught up to him.

     Rudy nodded his head in reply, not taking his eyes off the structure. It was dark grey in color, and tall. Not as tall as Trump Tower, a fact which gave him some relief. But tall, with an aura that made him uneasy. Dark forces made themselves a temporary home here.

     “Okay,” Donald said. “Let’s go in.”
     Rudy was impressed by his master’s fearless disposition, and he did his best to dispel any lingering feelings of fright in his own warped body, as Sean opened the door for them.

     It was quiet inside. The overhead lighting had been dimmed. And no one was behind the front desk.

     “Weird,” Sean said.

     “Yes,” agreed Donald. “Why is no one here to greet me and tell me how great I am? Is this a dream?”

     Sean peaked behind the desk. There was no sign of anyone. And the security monitors were all turned off.

     “Are you sure this is where the pee-pee girls are?” Donald asked Rudy.

     Again, Rudy nodded, but said nothing. The scent of the women was strong, and it led him over to the stairwell. The women had gone upstairs.

     “Now, wait a minute, Rudy,” Donald said. “No one said anything about stairs.” He glanced at the stairwell. “You know, I could probably find two other girls to pee on Barack’s things.”

     But Rudy was already cautiously making his way up the stairs, and Sean followed. So after a moment Donald began in incredibly slow, arduous ascent, pausing after each step to reevaluate the situation. The situation was less and less to his liking, and things seemed grim. He was just about to give up the entire mission when he suddenly caught up to Rudy and Sean, who had stopped at the second floor landing.

     “They’re close,” Rudy said, sniffing the floor and looking down the long dark corridor. “Very close.”

     “Great,” Donald said. “Go find them, Rudy.”

     Rudy, eager to finish the mission, please his master, and get back to his crypt, happily obeyed. The trail brought him halfway down the hall. He stopped before a closed door. “Here,” he told Donald. But Donald could have figured it out for himself at that point, for there was a puddle of urine in front of the door.

     “I’ll take it from here,” Donald said.

     Something smelled funny to Sean, whose long-dormant power of observation, now having clawed its way to daylight through layers of fog and fat, was making up for all that time it had slept, ignored and unused. Everything told him something was wrong here, but before Sean could tell Donald that, Donald opened the door and stepped inside the room, quickly followed by his gargoyle. Sean loved Donald dearly, but his instinct was to flee.

     He ignored his instinct.

     Sean stepped into the room, shocked by what he saw.

     Cherry and Nikki were tied to metal chairs in the center of the room, their mouths gagged. Upon seeing Donald, they started shaking their heads violently, calling out to him, their words muffled by their gags.

     “Pee-pee girls, what happened?” Donald asked as Rudy removed their gags.

     “Get out, Donald, it’s a trap,” Cherry exclaimed as soon as she was able.

     “Is that my dress?” Nikki shouted.

     Just then, several large men stepped in behind Sean, blocking the door and eliminating any hope of escape. Sean stepped toward Donald instinctively for safety, needing his warm glow in this moment of fear and uncertainty. As he did, another figure stepped out of the shadows on the opposite side of the room, letting out a delighted, twisted laugh as she did. Donald, Rudy and Sean all spun around to see their adversary.

     “You! What are you doing here?” Donald asked, aghast.

     “Thank you for falling into my trap,” Hillary said, enjoying the moment immensely. “It was all too easy, just as the election should have been.”

     “Hillary, what do you want with the pee-pee girls?” Donald asked.
     Hillary shook her head in disbelief.

     “So many things should have taken you down, Donald. So very many things. But now I have you. In Russia with your prostitutes. With witnesses. This is the end of Donald Trump.”

     “Oh, I don’t like the sound of that,” Donald said.

     Sean clung to Donald in fear. “Is it the end of Sean Hannity too?” he asked nervously.

     Hillary turned her attention to him for the first time. “Sean, no one cares one way or the other.”

     “But people do care about me,” Donald said. “They love me.”

     While Hillary focused her attention on Sean and Donald, Rudy was busy slowly making his way closer to the guards. When he was next to them, he opened his mouth impossibly wide, his eyes bulging too, a dark noxious cloud issuing forth from his mouth and filling the doorway.

     “Now, Master!” Rudy yelled from within the dark cloud. He leaped over the bodies of the guards and made his way back down the hall, followed by Sean and by the furious screams of Hillary. Rudy and Sean reached the end of the corridor before looking back to see that Donald was not with them.

     “Master?” the concerned gargoyle called out. For a moment there was no reply. Then from the dark cloud in the doorway a large form emerged. For a moment, Sean worried it was the two guards, having combined their bodies into some kind of super guard, an unstoppable force. But then he recognized his sweetheart’s soft features.

     Donald stepped into the corridor, heroically carrying a girl under each arm. “I couldn’t leave the pee-pee girls behind,” he said as he rejoined his team. “I need them to pee on things for me.”

     Rudy started to head down the stairs, but Donald stopped him.

     “Hang on, let me call Vlad,” Donald said, pulling out his cell phone. “Should I just post a message on Twitter? He’ll probably see it. He always likes my posts.”

     “Maybe you should call him,” Sean suggested. But as Donald placed the call, Sean started to get another of those unfamiliar sensations. He would have called it insight, had he been familiar with the word. Could Vladimir have set them up? After all, it was his call that had led Donald there in the first place.

     “Hey, Vlad, it’s Donald. I found your pee-pee girls. Listen, I want to keep them, take them home with me. Is that okay?”

     Sean and Rudy waited while he made a deal to purchase the two girls. But by the time he hung up, Rudy was getting anxious.

     “We should leave now,” Rudy told the group. “That cloud won’t hold Hillary much longer.”

     “But how come the gas didn’t hurt us?” Sean asked.

     “It’s only deadly to Democrats,” Rudy answered.

     Just as they began to go down the stairs, the cloud dissipated and Hillary stepped into the hallway shouting, “I’ll get you, Donald. Mark my words. I’ll get you! And your little gargoyle too.” But she made no attempt to follow them as Donald and his team made their way down the stairs.

     “You are going to love the United States,” Donald told the golden fountains when they reached the street. “There are so many things you can pee on. And the people love me there. I’m like a king.”