Donald Trump And The Great Easter Egg Hunt

     Donald was in despair. He was throwing a big party, but wasn’t having any fun. None of the other children wanted to play with him, even after he’d invited them all over to his house for Easter games, even after he’d had the servants get the grounds in tippety-top shape for the occasion. They laughed with each other, but none would listen to his grand tales of giant walls and foreign invaders. They ignored him, which is something Donald just couldn’t stand. They ignored him, preferring even the company of their parents to being near him.

     But Donald had an idea. This was his house, after all – or building, or whatever you want to call it – there was really no name for it, Donald realized. But whatever it was, it was his, and he could do whatever he wanted with it. So he ordered his servants to hook up a microphone and speaker system so that he could address the other children. And, by golly, they would have to listen to him then. He would speak loudly, like in all capital letters. “I love capital letters,” Donald thought to himself. They tower over the other letters and make themselves heard.

      Of course, he wanted the other children to look at him too, not just listen to him. And so he coaxed the two most exciting people he could find to stand beside him at the podium above the crowd – Melania, a girl that he’d bought and who had to do whatever he said, and the Easter Bunny. The Bunny at first refused, but after Donald threatened to have his family deported, the terrified rabbit nervously agreed. With a prostitute and the Easter Bunny at his side, the other kids were certain to pay attention to him, Donald surmised. “I will be the most popular kid at the party.”

     Once Donald began speaking, he realized his plan had been perfect. Everyone was facing his way. Everyone was looking at him. Everyone was listening. The plan worked so well, that Donald was reluctant to stop speaking. He seized the opportunity to let the crowd know what a great guy he was. It was his favorite subject, and there was no one more knowledgeable about Donald’s strengths than Donald himself.

     But soon even he was itching to play games, and so he declared it was time for the Great Easter Egg Hunt. The other children cheered, and their parents look relieved. Secret Service men lined the children up at one end of the lawn and handed each child a basket. Donald made sure he was right in the middle of the line, pushing a couple of kids out of the way, so that all the parents would be looking at what a handsome young man he was becoming. He straightened his tie proudly. Donald wasn’t worried about the competition. He knew he’d win because he’d hidden the eggs himself. And – to be absolutely certain – he hid some inside the house or building or whatever you want to call it, where the other children were not allowed. He even left his pet lizard Kellyanne in there to guard them, just in case a child or two managed to get past his armed Secret Service men. Donald would be victor today, and would prove himself to be the greatest Easter Egg hunter in the history of the world.

     “Ready, set, go,” Donald shouted. And the children scampered off in all directions, delighted when they found a colored egg. Donald found a few himself, but was having a bit of trouble remembering just where he had placed the majority of them. Remembering things can be difficult. But he did not worry, knowing that a large pile of eggs waited for him in a special basket inside. “I’d better get those eggs now,” Donald decided. No one was looking at him as he slipped inside the house or building or whatever you want to call it. But when he got to his room, his pet lizard Kellyanne was not there. “Strange,” Donald thought. “I told her to stay right here.” He made a mental note to reprimand her later – publicly, if possible. But right now, he had something more important on his mind – get those eggs and win the race!

     Donald reached under his golden bed, where he’d left the secret stash of eggs, but his hand closed on nothing. He got down on the gold floor and peered into the darkness under his bed. Apart from the box containing those special photos of Ivanka, there was nothing there. The eggs were gone!

     Donald felt a panic grip his tiny heart, but forced himself to calm down. The eggs must be here. He looked all around his room, but they were nowhere to be found. “Two minutes left,” he heard a Secret Service man shout outside. The hunt was almost over. Donald looked into his basket. There were only three eggs in there. He couldn’t hold back the panic any longer. How was he going to win now? Even his pal Vladimir, who’d helped him during so many past adventures, wouldn’t be able to aid him. There wasn’t enough time.

     “Think, Donald, think,” he said to himself. And then it occurred to him – this house or building or whatever you want to call it had an immense kitchen. Certainly there would be a lot of eggs in there. He rushed into the kitchen, and indeed found several cartons of eggs. Dozens of eggs! Only they were the wrong color. What could he do? He called for his prostitute. “Melania!”

     Melania instantly appeared, as she’d been trained to do. “What is your bidding, my master?” she asked.

     “Dump all your makeup onto these eggs!”

     Donald had only a few precious seconds left to get back outside. He heard the buzzer go off, signaling an end to the hunt. The other children would be going to the judges now to have their eggs counted. Was Donald too late? He felt despair overtake him, even as Melania complied with his order and the eggs turned many magical colors.

     “I’ve lost, Melania,” he whined. He was about to blame his adversaries, Barack and Hillary, when it suddenly occurred to him that he himself had appointed the judges for this contest. There was hope yet!

     Donald placed four cartons of eggs into his basket, straightened his tie, and proudly walked outside to have himself declared the winner. Everyone applauded. Everyone knew he was the greatest Easter Egg hunter ever.

     Meanwhile, a mile away, the Easter Bunny gathered his family together. “We have to leave,” he told them. He handed his wife a special basket of colored eggs. “These will have to sustain us for now,” he said. “Until we can change our appearance and start life over in a better place, like Canada.”