Alternative Fact: August 25, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Melania Trump has agreed to extend her contract as Donald's wife for another three years. According to her pimp, she will receive a significant raise, though the exact amount remains undisclosed. The contract stipulates that she will visit Donald Trump in prison at least twice a month, for no less than fifty minutes each time. According to a source close to Melania, there is nothing in the contract about physical contact with Donald. "Melania would not have signed it otherwise," the source said.