Alternative Fact: December 31, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump revealed his New Year's resolution to a young intern at FOX News. "My New Year's resolution, young lady, is to spend every last cent in the U.S. treasury on my vacations," he told the woman. "I will be at my great Mar-A-Lago resort at least four days a week in 2018. When there is no more money left, I'll probably resign." Trump then patted the young woman's behind and extended an invitation for her to join him on his next vacation.

Gift Wrapping, Christmas 2017 Edition

I've gotten into this habit of cutting out pictures and adding them to the wrapping of presents that I give to people. I also take photos of them, the idea being that these photos will help me keep from repeating a joke. But some of these photos still make me laugh. I'm hoping they'll have the same effect on you. You might notice a theme with some of this year's wrapping. Enjoy.

Photos From Work

Here are a few photos I took at work recently, for whatever they're worth.

I'm not sure what this is about.

Please clean Stage 7 by the door.

Christmas gift: a six-hour day at Warner Bros. Thanks!

Alternative Fact: December 22, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump fired all his political advisors today, saying they're unnecessary since he gets all his information from one source, the television show FOX & Friends. When criticized by reporters for limiting himself to one dubious source, Donald defended his decision, adding, "All the information from FOX & Friends is also verified by my poisonous pet snake Jasper."

Alternative Fact: December 21, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, now realizing he can get away with anything, bragged to reporters: "I took away health care from millions of Americans, sneaking a provision into the tax bill to repeal Obamacare. I told the other Republicans to keep quiet about it, but now I can tell you it was all my idea." Then, not being able to stop himself, he added: "I raped that thirteen-year-old girl, then threatened to kill her if she went ahead with the lawsuit. No one can touch me because I'm the president and I'm making America great again."

Alternative Fact: December 20, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): A person with as much integrity as Donald Trump has would never use the highest political office of our nation to pass a tax bill that would benefit himself.

Alternative Fact: December 19, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Sources close to Mike Pence revealed that the reason behind the vice president's recent animosity toward Donald Trump is that he learned that Donald once paid for Ivanka to have an abortion after getting her pregnant. "Hey, at that time I was a Democrat," Trump explained to Pence. "And besides, I didn't want another retarded son."

Alternative Fact: December 18, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump reportedly visits several grammar schools regularly, keeping tabs on the development of possible future wives for that moment in the near future when Melania's contract expires.

Trump Supporters Are Idiots, Round Nine

Why am I still surprised by how stupid Trump supporters are? Of course they'd have to be morons to support an asshole like Donald Trump.

On Donald Trump's Twitter page, I posted this yesterday: The gift on everyone's wish list this year is Donald Trump's lifeless head on a spike. That would indeed make it a merry Christmas!

Today a fool named Mike Obrigewitch felt a need to respond.

Mike Obrigewitch: Hopefully that statement back fires on you Doherty
Me: You used the word "hopefully" incorrectly. Also, "backfires" is one word, not two. Also, you need a comma after the word "you," and some sort of punctuation at the end. Typical Trump supporter has no education. Trump supporters are by far the dumbest fucks to ever walk upright.
Mike Obrigewitch:  What your a grammar cop to and you are one of the liberal assholes that thinks he’s always right and as soon as your called on Something you try and make yourself a self righteous no it all
Me: Many more mistakes in your new post. Go back to school. Once you've completed a sixth grade education, then - and only then - may you comment on my posts.

Mike Obrigewitch is also too fucking stupid to know when to quit. He continued...

Mike Obrigewitch: Doherty your back you must have gone upstairs to give one of your mothers boyfriends a hummer so you must have had your head on a spike. Now I know where you found that line about Trumps head,your living it
Mike Obrigewitch:  And I’m not writing a book so who really gives a fk about grammar just a crybaby liberal like yourself

Ha! Obviously, he's not writing a book. Obviously, he has not read a book either.

Me:  Typical answer from an idiot with no education, saying that education doesn't matter. You are a waste of skin and bone.
Mike Obridgewitch:  But I’m not a crybaby losing liberal

I love that last response, in which he admits to being an idiot with no education, and a waste of skin and bone. Somehow he thinks that being an idiot and a complete waste of skin and bone is better than being liberal. Where do these assholes come from?

More Gift Wrapping

I've gotten into this habit of cutting out pictures and adding them to the wrapping of presents that I give to people. I also take photos of them, the idea being that these photos will help me keep from repeating a joke. But some of these photos still make me laugh. I'm hoping they'll have the same effect on you. These are from last year, actually (I forgot to post them until now). I will post the more recent ones soon. Enjoy.

Alternative Fact: December 15, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Moments after posing for their first official White House Christmas photo, Donald Trump and his expensive prostitute elated their followers by announcing that copies of the photo would be available at the Donald Trump online store for a mere sixty dollars.

Alternative Fact: December 14, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): In a public statement, Roy Moore railed against rampant immorality, saying that sodomy is only okay if you get permission from the child's parents.

Alternative Fact: December 13, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Although Roy Moore lost the election yesterday, Donald Trump said he will hold him to his promise of a party of blond thirteen-year-old girls, which Moore pledged in exchange for Trump's support. "I have the Secret Service busy making 'Ivanka' name tags for the girls," Donald told reporters.

Alternative Fact: December 12, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, concerned that the networks are going to recast his role as president, or perhaps even cancel the presidency altogether, after poor ratings caused several sponsors to drop their support, is now working to produce a special holiday episode. "I promise that several of your favorite old cast members are going to appear in this one," he told the puppets at FOX News. "People like Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus and Anthony Scaramucci and Sebastian Gorka and Tom Price and Katie Walsh and Mike Dubke and Sally Yates and Michael Short. The list goes on and on. You're not going to want to miss this episode. It's going to be great."

Alternative Fact: December 11, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Last night Donald Trump was found once again wandering the halls of the White House in only his Nazi underwear, mumbling about journalists and wielding a cardboard sword hastily covered with aluminum foil. As is now standard operating procedure, White House security officials used tranquilizer darts to take him down. They used more than usual, however, and as a result Donald Trump will not be able to appear in public today.

Alternative Fact: December 8, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump endorsed Roy Moore after Moore promised to throw a special party for Trump in which all the guests would be thirteen-year-old blond girls wearing "Ivanka" name tags.

Alternative Fact: December 7, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has stipulated that upon his death his possessions are to be buried with him, including his prostitute Melania, his lover Ivanka and his pet lizard Kellyanne.