Alternative Fact: July 31, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Eric Trump is the newest Trump family member being investigated by the FBI. However, in his case, the investigation has nothing to do with connections to Russia. Rather, it's about Eric's potential to cause harm to himself and to others. Eric's suicide letter was discovered late yesterday, and in it he talks about killing his entire family before killing himself. Many people have voiced the opinion that Eric should be left alone to go about his business.

Alternative Fact: July 30, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Betsy DeVos repeated her claim that she is not part of a Satanic cult, insisting she has no idea how the charred remains of several children found their way into her home. "It's a mystery," she told reporters. "Just like God."

Alternative Fact: July 29, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): After feeling personally betrayed by the Senate, Donald Trump locked himself in a White House bathroom, communicating with his cohorts only via text messages. After a few hours, the new, slightly less feminine Sean Spicer told reporters: "The Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that Donald Trump has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away."

Alternative Fact: July 28, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has begun taking bids for a special addition to Mount Rushmore. The work will be complicated by the fact that rock will actually have to be added as well as sculpted. "Since I am the greatest president this world has ever seen, I think my face should be bigger than all the rest combined," Donald announced at his latest self-love rally. He added that he believed some minor changes would have to be made to the existing sculpture as well. "I want those other guys to look up at me, admiringly," Donald explained. "Just like they would if they really existed."

Alternative Fact: July 27, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump was discovered hiding under his desk in the Oval Office today. "They can't impeach me if they can't find me," he told a White House staff member. "Crouching under a desk protects us from nuclear disaster, so certainly it will protect me from the fake media, the FBI and impeachment."

Alternative Fact: July 26, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When Donald Trump erroneously said that the Affordable Health Care Act was put in place seventeen years ago, it was because he believes he has been in office for ten years. "I have been president for at least a decade, and I have done so many great things," he was heard muttering to himself as he wandered about the White House grounds.

Alternative Fact: July 25, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump spoke at a Boy Scouts event, finding an audience there that shared his level of political knowledge and acumen. Feeling secure among the boys after each of them signed a loyalty oath and donned a Trump armband, Donald teased them about the size of the event's turnout, pointing out that more people attended his inauguration. He thanked the boys for voting for him, gave them advice on running a real estate business and attacking their enemies, then instructed them to find some Girl Scouts and bring them to his hotel room. "Only pretty ones," he cautioned them. "Girls that look like young Ivankas."

Alternative Fact: July 24, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): When a reporter for a parenting magazine accused Donald Trump of having a favorite child, Donald replied: "Of course I do! Would you want to fuck Eric or Don Jr. or Tiffany?"

Alternative Fact: July 23, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump went out of his way to take part in the commissioning ceremony for the USS Gerald R. Ford, a not-quite-subtle way to remind people that soon he too will need to be pardoned. "Gerald Ford was a great man," Donald said at the ceremony. "And today we celebrate the wonderful thing he did for another great president."

Alternative Fact: July 22, 2017

Today's alternative fact(to help you get through the day): Sean Spicer has resigned from his post as White House Press Secretary in order to return to the job he has loved most in his life, that of White House Easter Bunny. "I just love dressing up," Spicer said. "Once a year, I can roll around on the White House lawn in my furry costume, and no one can see my face because of the giant bunny head." When reporters pointed out that the job works only one weekend a year, Sean Spicer returned to another favorite subject. "The rest of the time I can live among the hedges and bushes," he said. "I am working on a new costume made entirely of pine needles, which I plan to unveil at next year's national botany convention."

Alternative Fact: July 21, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Melania Trump has given up on her promised anti-bullying campaign, and instead is going to focus her energy and time on something closer to her own experience: helping prostitutes get better footwear. "They are out walking the streets all night, often in last year's fashions," she said. "My goal is to replace those shoes with ones that are both sexy and practical."

Alternative Fact: July 20, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Kellyanne Conway denied charges of cannibalism, insisting that she thrives solely on a diet of Donald Trump's excrement. "I gobble up every last morsel he leaves for me," she told reporters. "And he leaves plenty."

Alternative Fact: July 19, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): After hearing a recent study found that the majority of Republicans think universities are bad for the country, Donald Trump was quick to agree. "If people weren't as educated, I would have even more supporters," he told a reporter.

Alternative Fact: July 18, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump was quick to support Department of Education Candice E. Jackson's belief that ninety percent of rapes and sexual assaults are simply the result of having a bit too much to drink followed later by regrets, and aren't crimes at all. "That's exactly what happened with me and that thirteen-year-old girl," Donald said. "We both just had a lot to drink, and then later when I untied her, she had second thoughts. Case closed."

Alternative Fact: July 17, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, in a moment of exasperation, stated that even if he and Pence and the rest are impeached, the Democrats will never get their hands on Jasper, Donald's giant poisonous snake. "Jasper is completely capable of running the show himself," Donald said. "I've left him in charge multiple times, whenever I go golfing. And he's the one who tells me which bits of paper to sign, and even how to hold the pen."

Alternative Fact: July 16, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald managed to avoid grabbing anyone by the pussy at the women's golf tournament. This was not, however, a display of his willpower, but rather the result of a small electronic device attached to his genitals, which provided a moderate shock each time he started to reach toward a woman. It was the first time that women felt comfortable around the creepy bastard since his early childhood.

Alternative Fact: July 15, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Even Donald Trump's imaginary friend Jim no longer wants anything to do with the president. It has been several weeks since Donald has been able to contact him. In a real statement, fake friend Jim told the press he and Donald disagreed "on that whole Russia thing," and that was what ended their friendship.

Alternative Fact: July 14, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The White House is working perfectly, just as Donald Trump claims.

Alternative Fact: July 13, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, now wishing to distance himself from his son, told a reporter that he doesn't know Donald Trump Jr. "Our names being similar is just a coincidence," Donald said. He then added, "I've never even spoken with the boy."

Alternative Fact: July 12, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump stated again that none of the women who accused him of sexual harassment were pretty enough for him to assault. "Why would I go after those ugly women when I can have Ivanka any time I want to?" Donald said. "It just doesn't make sense." He also repeated his claim that his being president keeps him safe from any and all legal actions against him. "I can say whatever I want about those ugly women, but no one can say nasty things about me, because I'm the president," Donald boasted.

Alternative Fact: July 11, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): It is now clear that Donald Trump's travel ban has targeted several of Melania's old clients, people Donald fears may try to get in touch with her again. Donald has repeatedly told Melania she is not allowed to see any of her previous johns, but he has been filled with doubt since she stopped admitting him into her bedroom.

Alternative Fact: July 10, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The entire world broke out in spontaneous celebration when video footage revealed that Donald Trump is capable of retrieving a hat. Previously, it was thought this sort of action was beyond his limited abilities. People are beside themselves with joy. It is now being said that this single act might bring about world peace, even though the hat blew off again immediately, and Donald was unable to get it a second time.

Alternative Fact: July 9, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Defending Ivanka's right to take his seat at the G20 leaders' table, Donald Trump said, "I always like Ivanka to keep Daddy's seat warm."

Alternative Fact: July 8, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Trump now claims that his many medications have had an unforeseen side effect, giving him the ability to become invisible to certain people. "That's why the first lady of Poland walked right past me when I tried to shake her hand," Trump said. "I was invisible to her. I have great, great plans for how to use this ability to make America great again. And I'll be spending a lot more time in Ivanka's room."

Alternative Fact: July 7, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has chosen to address no specific agenda in his meeting with his old pal Vladimir Putin in large part because an agenda would require some reading. Donald has given up reading entirely, and prefers to receive his information in short rhymes sung to him by a man dressed in a bunny costume (that man, by the way, is Sean Spicer).

Alternative Fact: July 6, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Video footage of Donald Trump wandering away from his waiting limousine gave Ivanka new hope of avoiding her father. "All I have to do is stand directly in front of him," she said. "Chances are good that he won't see me." To increase her chances of remaining undetected, she stated she'll dress in all black and place television cameras off to her left to distract the predator.

Alternative Fact: July 5, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Mike Pence flew into a rage when Donald Trump continued posting on Twitter while he read the president his nightly bedtime story. "If you're not going to pay attention, I'm going to put the book away," the vice president said. Donald then threatened to replace him with Steve Bannon, who, according to Donald, is a better storyteller anyway.

Alternative Fact: July 4, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump now claims that he deliberately includes misspellings in his Twitter posts in order to appeal to his followers. "Every time I misspell something they love me more because they think I'm one of them," Donald said recently.

Alternative Fact: July 3, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump ridiculed Mike Pence for saying he is uncomfortable being alone with any woman other than his wife. Meanwhile, all women - including Melania and Ivanka - say they are uncomfortable being alone with pussy-grabbing Donald Trump.

Alternative Fact: July 2, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Jeff Sessions and Mitch McConnell get together one weekend a year to play Plantation, a game in which they recreate the delightful time of the early 1800s. Several homeless black people are rounded up to portray their slaves. There is an elegant ball, a large banquet and a dunk tank. At the end of the weekend, Sessions and McConnell free the homeless people and give them each a confederate flag and a box of leftovers.

Alternative Fact: July 1, 2017

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has commissioned a new national anthem to be written, the lyrics of which will be all about him and how he's making America great again. "I got the idea after Ivanka told me about that great new law in the Philippines," Donald told reporters. "I'd like to do something similar here, but if the people are going to be forced to sing passionately, we have to give them lyrics they can be passionate about."