Alternative Fact: December 31, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Doctors removed a large tumor from Donald Trump's brain. The lead surgeon, Dr. Rosa Martinez, explained that the tumor had affected Donald's behavior. She told reporters, "Donald should be a little less of a shithead now, but don't expect any miracles."

Alternative Fact: December 30, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Melania Trump is recovering well after a trip to the emergency room following a brief altercation in which Donald Trump punched her in the face. Asked what led to the assault, Melania told reporters that she had reminded Donald that he is supposedly a billionaire and should just pay for his blessed wall himself.

Alternative Fact: December 29, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump explained that when he told soldiers he had given them each a ten percent raise, what he actually meant was that he was glad his daddy was able to pay off a doctor to make a false report to get him out of military service.

Gift Wrapping, 2018 Edition

Years ago, I got into the habit of cutting out pictures and adding them to the wrapping paper of the gifts I give to people. I take photos of them, hoping these photos will help me keep from repeating a joke. (They don't, because I almost always forget to look at the photos.) But some of these photos still make me laugh. I'm hoping they'll have the same effect on you. Here are some from throughout 2018.

Alternative Fact: December 25, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump acknowledged the Christmas gift that all people of intelligence and conscience were requesting, and this morning he resigned from office.

Alternative Fact: December 24, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has tasked his prostitute Melania with completing an inventory of all furnishings and artwork in the White House. This is in preparation for his decision regarding which items are to be shipped to the new Trump Tower in Moscow, construction of which is scheduled to begin immediately upon Donald's leaving office. "Just think," Donald said to his girlfriend Ivanka, "soon Russian whores will get a chance to pee on Lincoln's bed."

Alternative Fact: December 23, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump announced plans to fire Santa Claus if he doesn't receive a wall for Christmas.

Alternative Fact: December 22, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Stephen Miller's spray-on hair was an early Christmas gift from the children he keeps under his bed. "I thought if we could give him hair, he would stop feeding on our souls," said one haunted young waif. "I was wrong."

Mistress Boobilicious Goes West

Mistress Boobilicious is once again on the go, and authorities have been put on alert all along her expected route of travel. "We are more concerned with the behavior of her devoted fans," Officer Reardon told reporters. "They get within half a mile of her and they go nuts. I've seen it before." Authorities in Colorado are especially nervous, as it is rumored that the very mountains of that state become envious at the sight of Mistress Boobilicious, and they could come tumbling down out of pure frustration, causing incalculable mayhem and devastation.

Alternative Fact: December 21, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Brian Kolfage, the man who started the online fundraising efforts for Donald's Wall, is from Mexico, as is every single Trump supporter who has donated money, thus helping Donald to fulfill his campaign promise that Mexico would pay for the border wall.

Alternative Fact: December 20, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, sensing the only way he might manage to stay out of prison is if he remains in the White House, has barricaded himself inside his room. Through the locked door, he shouted that the only way he would come out is if Putin can guarantee his win again in 2020.

Alternative Fact: December 19, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The only reason Donald Trump intended to build a Trump Tower in Moscow was because Putin promised him he'd be able to name the tower's spa after his personal masseuse and long-time girlfriend. "The spa was going to be called The Ivanka," Donald said. "A nice wet place where I have always made myself welcome."