Michael Doherty For President

Okay, I’ve heard the cries of the people, and I am responding. Yes, I will run for President of the United States. I can no longer ignore what is clearly my duty. And of course I will be completely up front about what I will do with my well-deserved power. Here is my platform:

• The arts will be encouraged; remakes of movies will be discouraged
• The MPAA will be disbanded (they are no longer needed or desired, and what they do amounts to censorship anyway)
• All street signs that say “Thru” will be corrected
• Those people with annoying “Baby On Board” placards will be required by law to keep a baby in their vehicles at all times
• Minimum ten-year sentences for possession of a leaf blower
• Public floggings for those who incorrectly use words like “comprise,” “peruse,” “hopefully,” “ultimate,” “momentarily,” “legendary,” “healthy” and “celibate”
• Life sentences for publishers of dictionaries that include incorrect definitions (hint: the word “celibate” has nothing to do with sex or a lack thereof)
• All traffic cameras will be removed
• Children will no longer be asked to recite the Pledge Of Allegiance in school
• Severe beatings for anyone using a cell phone in a movie theatre
• Small fines for referring to pets as one’s children or babies
• Songwriters will be discouraged from rhyming “self” with “shelf”
• The All Star Game will cease having any bearing on home field advantage for the World Series
• Dogs will not be allowed in any apartment building (if you want a dog, you need a yard)
• Concert ticket processing fees cannot be in excess of one dollar per ticket 
• Jurors will be paid a minimum of one hundred dollars per day (so they will take their responsibilities more seriously, and will be more eager to take part in the judicial process)
• Car owners have one minute to turn off car alarms; after that, anyone annoyed by the noise is allowed to smash the car until the sound ceases
• No one will be allowed to have a gun (and I mean no one, not even the police or civil war reenactment enthusiasts)
• Building and research of all new weapons will cease, and that money will go toward health care for every citizen
• Late fees for phone bills will be outlawed
• Disney will be forced to return Star Wars to George Lucas
• An actual criminal investigation will be held regarding the events of September 11, 2001
• The National Anthem will be changed to Woody Guthrie’s “This Land Is Your Land,” as it should have been a long time ago

If you agree with these points (and I know you do), then be sure to write my name in when you vote this fall. I am counting on you.

Sincerely,
Michael Doherty