Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Michael Doherty For President

Okay, I’ve heard the cries of the people, and I am responding. Yes, I will run for President of the United States. I can no longer ignore what is clearly my duty. And of course I will be completely up front about what I will do with my well-deserved power. Here is my platform:
  • The arts will be encouraged; remakes of movies will be discouraged
  • The MPAA will be disbanded (they are no longer needed or desired, and what they do amounts to censorship anyway)
  • All street signs that say “Thru” will be corrected
  • Those people with annoying “Baby On Board” placards will be required by law to keep a baby in their vehicles at all times
  • Minimum ten-year sentences for possession of a leaf blower
  • Public floggings for those who incorrectly use words like “comprise,” “peruse,” “hopefully,” “ultimate,” “momentarily,” “legendary,” “healthy” and “celibate”
  • Life sentences for publishers of dictionaries that include incorrect definitions (hint: the word “celibate” has nothing to do with sex or a lack thereof)
  • All traffic cameras will be removed
  • Children will no longer be asked to recite the Pledge Of Allegiance in school
  • Severe beatings for anyone using a cell phone in a movie theatre
  • Small fines for referring to pets as one’s children or babies
  • Songwriters will be discouraged from rhyming “self” with “shelf”
  • The All Star Game will cease having any bearing on home field advantage for the World Series
  • Dogs will not be allowed in any apartment building (if you want a dog, you need a yard)
  • Concert ticket processing fees cannot be in excess of one dollar per ticket 
  • Jurors will be paid a minimum of one hundred dollars per day (so they will take their responsibilities more seriously, and will be more eager to take part in the judicial process)
  • Car owners have one minute to turn off car alarms; after that, anyone annoyed by the noise is allowed to smash the car until the sound ceases
  • No one will be allowed to have a gun (and I mean no one, not even the police or civil war reenactment enthusiasts)
  • Building and research of all new weapons will cease, and that money will go toward health care for every citizen
  • Late fees for phone bills will be outlawed
  • Disney will be forced to return Star Wars to George Lucas
  • An actual criminal investigation will be held regarding the events of September 11, 2001
  • The National Anthem will be changed to Woody Guthrie’s “This Land Is Your Land,” as it should have been a long time ago
If you agree with these points (and I know you do), then be sure to write my name in when you vote this fall. I am counting on you.

Michael Doherty

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