Photo From Work

Today I was working on a pilot out in some place called Acton, far from civilization, with just snakes and child molesters for company. It was actually a good day, once the rain stopped.

The Idiots Win Again

A lot of people use words incorrectly, which is a problem because communication is so important. However, the bigger problem is that now certain dictionaries are giving in and including those mistakes as proper definitions. One example is the word “celibacy.” The word has nothing to do with sex, or a lack thereof. It simply means being single, not married. The word people are looking for is “chastity,” not “celibacy,” when what they mean is abstinence. And yet now some dictionaries have begun including the definition of “chastity” as a definition of “celibacy.” The idea seems to be that if you make the mistake often enough, it will no longer be considered a mistake.

If I were a student these days, and I used a word incorrectly and the teacher marked my answer wrong, I would argue: “Sure, I’m wrong now, but if enough people make the same mistake, in a few years I will end up being right.” Like the first person who misused “ultimate” as “the best.” Or the first person who said “hopefully” instead of “I hope that.”

People will argue with me that language is constantly changing, and that it needs to. I agree. For example, the addition of the word “blog” makes sense as there was no word for that thing in the past, since then that thing didn't exist. So we needed something. But there is a big difference between new, necessary words being added to dictionaries and common mistakes being added as correct.

Why do the dictionary folks keep caving? Don't let the idiots win. Make them learn the correct definitions. When I use the word “ambivalent” I almost feel a need to define it afterward, because a lot of people these days think it means indifferent. It does not. And “peruse” means basically the opposite of what many people believe it means. Let's start improving education rather than changing dictionaries to suit the needs of morons. Let's raise the bar a bit, folks. Let's expect a little bit more from ourselves and each other.

For the record, here is a photo of a decent dictionary's definition of “celibacy.”

Michael Doherty For President

Okay, I’ve heard the cries of the people, and I am responding. Yes, I will run for President of the United States. I can no longer ignore what is clearly my duty. And of course I will be completely up front about what I will do with my well-deserved power. Here is my platform:

• The arts will be encouraged; remakes of movies will be discouraged
• The MPAA will be disbanded (they are no longer needed or desired, and what they do amounts to censorship anyway)
• All street signs that say “Thru” will be corrected
• Those people with annoying “Baby On Board” placards will be required by law to keep a baby in their vehicles at all times
• Minimum ten-year sentences for possession of a leaf blower
• Public floggings for those who incorrectly use words like “comprise,” “peruse,” “hopefully,” “ultimate,” “momentarily,” “legendary,” “healthy” and “celibate”
• Life sentences for publishers of dictionaries that include incorrect definitions (hint: the word “celibate” has nothing to do with sex or a lack thereof)
• All traffic cameras will be removed
• Children will no longer be asked to recite the Pledge Of Allegiance in school
• Severe beatings for anyone using a cell phone in a movie theatre
• Small fines for referring to pets as one’s children or babies
• Songwriters will be discouraged from rhyming “self” with “shelf”
• The All Star Game will cease having any bearing on home field advantage for the World Series
• Dogs will not be allowed in any apartment building (if you want a dog, you need a yard)
• Concert ticket processing fees cannot be in excess of one dollar per ticket 
• Jurors will be paid a minimum of one hundred dollars per day (so they will take their responsibilities more seriously, and will be more eager to take part in the judicial process)
• Car owners have one minute to turn off car alarms; after that, anyone annoyed by the noise is allowed to smash the car until the sound ceases
• No one will be allowed to have a gun (and I mean no one, not even the police or civil war reenactment enthusiasts)
• Building and research of all new weapons will cease, and that money will go toward health care for every citizen
• Late fees for phone bills will be outlawed
• Disney will be forced to return Star Wars to George Lucas
• An actual criminal investigation will be held regarding the events of September 11, 2001
• The National Anthem will be changed to Woody Guthrie’s “This Land Is Your Land,” as it should have been a long time ago

If you agree with these points (and I know you do), then be sure to write my name in when you vote this fall. I am counting on you.

Sincerely,
Michael Doherty

Super Bowl Party

     “I can’t help it if I enjoy cutting people up into small bite-size squares and serving them as appetizers to a group of the victims’ closest friends at my annual Super Bowl party. It’s just what I do. I don’t hassle you about your peculiar interests, Mr. I-Like-To-Have-Myself-Professionally-Carpeted-And-Then-Vacuumed.”

Today’s Question

What is the infant immortality rate?

In A Los Angeles Office, February

“Cattle call on line three. Cattle call on line three.”

“Moo?”

“Moo.”

Suggestions Based On A Recent Tea Leaf Reading

Put a little love in your heart.

Put a little gas in your car.

Put a little woman in your freezer.

Put a little money in the meter.