Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Looking For That Special Someone

I am once again in the market for a girlfriend. The last one didn’t work out quite the way I’d hoped. It's a shame, because I really liked her and thought she would have lasted longer. So I've decided to be very clear about the type of girl I want, and if you think you fit these requirements, please send me a message.
  • She should have a sense of humor
  • I prefer a natural blonde
  • Her hair should be just past her shoulders
  • She should be between the ages of 25 and 32
  • She must be between five feet and five four 
  • She must be comfortable in extremely high heels
  • Her breasts should be medium to large 
  • She needs to be free of allergies
  • She shouldn’t suffer from asthma or any venereal diseases
  • She has to be able to hold her breath for at least forty-seven seconds
  • She can’t get queasy at the sight of blood
  • She can’t be afraid of alligators, spiders or heights
  • She shouldn’t be all that close to her family
  • She can’t have roommates
  • Her favorite color should be red
  • Her fingernails should be a bright red, but her toenails should be unpainted
  • She cannot belong to any religion or cult
  • Her name cannot begin with the letter J or a vowel
  • She cannot work in the food industry, but should know how to cook
  • Her birthday should be in February or September
  • It would be nice if she could run, but not faster than I do
  • I prefer someone who was abused as a child, but who believes she’s gotten over it
  • She should have no physical scars
  • She should know when to use adverbs
  • She should always refer to me as Charles, not Charlie and certainly not Chuck
  • She should plan on being cremated rather than buried
Thanks, girls. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Charles M. Mortimer, Jr.

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