Looking For That Special Someone

I am once again in the market for a girlfriend. The last one didn’t work out quite the way I’d hoped. It's a shame, because I really liked her and thought she would have lasted longer. So I've decided to be very clear about the type of girl I want, and if you think you fit these requirements, please send me a message.

• She should have a sense of humor
• I prefer a natural blonde
• Her hair should be just past her shoulders
• She should be between the ages of 25 and 32
• She must be between five feet and five four 
• She must be comfortable in extremely high heels
• Her breasts should be medium to large 
• She needs to be free of allergies
• She shouldn’t suffer from asthma or any venereal diseases
• She has to be able to hold her breath for at least forty-seven seconds
• She can’t get queasy at the sight of blood
• She can’t be afraid of alligators, spiders or heights
• She shouldn’t be all that close to her family
• She can’t have roommates
• Her favorite color should be red
• Her fingernails should be a bright red, but her toenails should be unpainted
• She cannot belong to any religion or cult
• Her name cannot begin with the letter J or a vowel
• She cannot work in the food industry, but should know how to cook
• Her birthday should be in February or September
• It would be nice if she could run, but not faster than I do
• I prefer someone who was abused as a child, but who believes she’s gotten over it
• She should have no physical scars
• She should know when to use adverbs
• She should always refer to me as Charles, not Charlie and certainly not Chuck
• She should plan on being cremated rather than buried

Thanks, girls. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Charles M. Mortimer, Jr.