Computer Scare

I didn't dare open my laptop computer all week, for fear that it would break. And tonight when I finally opened it, for a moment I thought it did break.  But miraculously it's working.  I have a lot to do, and I'm holding it open with that plush bear.  Nice bear.  Thank you, bear.  And what will happen tomorrow when I carry the computer to the library to use the internet?  Well, first I hope it's not raining then.  But mainly I hope the laptop won't break, and that I won't need to hold it open using plush toys.

The good news is that I've been working.  I should be able to pay my December rent (though probably not on time).  And it would be great if I could pay off some of the money that I owe people.  But first I have to deal with bloody buggery Christmas.  Still, I am optimistic. It's been a very good week.

(Is anyone reading this?  I don't think so.  This is more like a bit of therapy for myself.  You know - getting a few things out of my head, and into the world somewhere. My apologies to anyone who stumbles upon this blog.)

Bugger!

Last night I found another cockroach in my apartment. At least, I think it was a cockroach. I'm not really sure, as I know very little about bugs (let's keep it that way).  This is the sixth one I've found in my place in the last two months.  Before that, I'd never seen one here.  What gives?  This place is cleaner now than it has been in years.  Anyway, I slept with my glasses and flashlight right next to my bed, and found myself several times turning the flashlight on as if to catch a cockroach in the act of living.  Fortunately, I didn't see any other bugs.  But I was anxious and didn't get much sleep.

More Computer Troubles

Holy hell, when I opened the laptop today, the entire left side cracked. And I can look inside the computer, just to the left of the screen. That's not good, right?  It seems pretty bad.  I hadn't used the computer in three days, hoping it would somehow heal itself during its rest.  I always think inanimate objects are capable of things like that.  I also want them to feel guilty when I yell at them.  I want them to try harder to please me.

Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Avoiding Computer Troubles

To avoid opening my laptop (for fear that it will break into two pieces), I'm actually using the library computer, which has the loudest keyboard I've ever encountered. I'm trying to type as lightly as possible, and I wish everyone around me would do the same.

I'm feeling optimistic today, because Jason and I are most likely going to be doing some writing for the Grandmother Winsome series later today.  Not on my computer, of course.  It's back to pen and paper for me.

Leonard Cohen Journal

Last night I finished another journal, which means today I start a new one. A friend bought me a special journal at the recent Leonard Cohen concert. On its cover are the words, "Stop writing everything down," a line from "Different Sides," one of my favorite songs from his newest album, Old Ideas.  I think that using this journal is going to turn things around for me. After all, how can I write about depressing stuff in a Leonard Cohen journal?

Computer Trouble

Day spent alone. Trying desperately to put my life in some kind of order. Failing, of course. Though the stack of cardboard to be recycled is growing as I get rid of more stuff. Storing it in the kitchen until I can drop it off at a friend's, because, though we have four blue bins at the apartment building, I suspect they're actually never emptied. And it's important to recycle, you know? We had two, and they were always full. Then, rather than empty those, the building acquired two more blue bins. So there are four that are never emptied. Though neighbors like to put bags of dog shit in them.

So I try to get some work done, and when I open my laptop, there is a horrible cracking sound. And the computer won't stay open on its own. I prop it open with a teddy bear my grandmother gave me decades ago. It seems okay.  But I don't have internet access at home, and it seems weird to take a teddy bear to the library when using the internet there. And my newest fear is that my computer will break in half the next time I open it. And I'm broke. So now replacement computer for me.

At night I look around, and try to imagine I'm moving forward in some way. It's usually difficult.