Looking For That Special Someone

I am once again in the market for a girlfriend. The last one didn’t work out quite the way I’d hoped. It's a shame, because I really liked her and thought she would have lasted longer. So I've decided to be very clear about the type of girl I want, and if you think you fit these requirements, please send me a message.

• She should have a sense of humor
• I prefer a natural blonde
• Her hair should be just past her shoulders
• She should be between the ages of 25 and 32
• She must be between five feet and five four 
• She must be comfortable in extremely high heels
• Her breasts should be medium to large 
• She needs to be free of allergies
• She shouldn’t suffer from asthma or any venereal diseases
• She has to be able to hold her breath for at least forty-seven seconds
• She can’t get queasy at the sight of blood
• She can’t be afraid of alligators, spiders or heights
• She shouldn’t be all that close to her family
• She can’t have roommates
• Her favorite color should be red
• Her fingernails should be a bright red, but her toenails should be unpainted
• She cannot belong to any religion or cult
• Her name cannot begin with the letter J or a vowel
• She cannot work in the food industry, but should know how to cook
• Her birthday should be in February or September
• It would be nice if she could run, but not faster than I do
• I prefer someone who was abused as a child, but who believes she’s gotten over it
• She should have no physical scars
• She should know when to use adverbs
• She should always refer to me as Charles, not Charlie and certainly not Chuck
• She should plan on being cremated rather than buried

Thanks, girls. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Charles M. Mortimer, Jr.

Becky's Teeth

In Becky's house, the Tooth Fairy provided teeth rather than collected them. If you put a quarter under your pillow, she'd take it and leave a tooth in its place. It was the Tooth Demon who took teeth, always very late at night when even the fairies were asleep, and usually when Becky was quite unprepared. The Tooth Demon sometimes didn't wait for a tooth to become dislodged or even loose before collecting it. His appetite for children's teeth was insatiable. Every night Becky put off going to bed as long as possible. But her parents tired of her antics and complaints, and demanded that she retire. Even then, she'd remain awake as long as she could, then would fall asleep lying face-down, hoping the position of her mouth against the pillow would make it too difficult for the Tooth Demon to get at her teeth, and he'd move on to another house in search of easier prey. Or perhaps on to her younger brother's room. But the Tooth Demon had yet to extract any of his teeth. It was only a matter of time, Becky would tell him. Stop scaring your brother, her mother would scold.

When lying face-down proved not a strong enough deterrent, and Becky lost two more teeth, she devised a new strategy. She took several wire coat hangers from the closet and wrapped them tightly, vertically around her head, effectively wiring her jaw shut. This seemed to work, and for several days Becky was able to hold onto her few remaining teeth. But each morning she'd wake with lines in her cheeks where the wire pressed against her skin, and those lines wouldn't go away in time for school. Though she worried these lines marred her appearance, she accepted them as the price for keeping her teeth.

One night, approximately a week after she'd begun wiring her jaw shut, she awoke with a violent start, to find the Tooth Demon seated atop her young body, trying to open her mouth. Becky wanted to scream, but of course was unable to, what with her mouth wired closed. It was just before dawn, and Becky's parents would be awake soon and would check on her. Becky could see just the first hint of light through her bedroom window. But the Tooth Demon saw it too, and in frustration and haste he decided on a different, more extreme tactic.

A few minutes later, Becky's mother came into the room to wake her for school, only to discover Becky's headless corpse on the bed. She quickly gathered her daughter in her arms, in the process knocking the pillow to the floor and revealing three shiny quarters.


(Copyright 2015 by Michael Doherty)

One Thing About Tina

Tina spent a small portion of her short life inside a plastic bag. The last portion of it, actually.

Religious People Are Peculiar

Rev. Richard Poole might very well have said this, but I'm almost certain that Yoda said it first.

(Maybe I wouldn't have stopped going to church if my priest had taken his sermons from the Gospel of Jedi.)

Count

My sperm count is low. I'm down to three. I am going to use them wisely, surprise the neighbors on their way to work.

Religious People Are Peculiar

I ended up going with a different cleaning service, after reading complaints that some of the maids employed by the lord are actually thieves, prostitutes and general malcontents.

Religious People Are Peculiar

Wait - God has a dom? I guess that explains why I can never have a relationship with God. Because sexually we're both submissive.

The whole hanging-on-the-cross thing is starting to make sense now. What doesn't make sense is the bottom line on the sign.