Alternative Fact: November 21, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump explained why Hillary Clinton's use of a personal email account for government business was a criminal act while Ivanka Trump's use of a personal email account for government business was perfectly acceptable. "The big difference is I have no interest in having sex with Hillary," Donald said, putting the whole issue to rest.

Alternative Fact: November 19, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump deserves the perfect rating of A+ that he gave himself for his extraordinary job as president. "Actually, I wanted to give myself an A++ because I have done better work than any other president ever, but that wasn't a choice," he told reporters. "Also, I'm marking myself down with perfect attendance."

Alternative Fact: November 16, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Milliners all over the country are offering Donald Trump words of thanks, following the skyrocketing of hat sales that occurred when Trump revealed that one hat equals one vote.

Alternative Fact: November 14, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The deal Donald Trump made with his prostitute was that if she agreed to remain with him until he began serving his prison term, her fee would double and she would be allowed to fire one government official of her choosing. "I let the little slut do meaningless stuff like that," Donald told Sean Hannity as the two men cuddled in their Paris hotel room. "It makes her feel more important than she is."

Alternative Fact: November 11, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The reason Donald Trump canceled his visit to the World War I cemetery is not that he is a whiny little bitch fearful of getting wet, but that Sarah Huckabee Sanders warned him of a possible zombie uprising. "A cemetery is the last place you should be, Master," his loyal, well-fed beast told him.

Alternative Fact: November 10, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Sarah Huckabee Sanders handed White House reporters a list of questions that will be allowed at future press conferences. "These questions, and only these questions, will be answered by the president," Sarah told them, warning that any deviation from the questions would result in their press credentials being revoked. The questions are as follows:

1. How are you able to do so many great things?
2. What do you think is your greatest achievement so far? 
3. What great things will you do next?
4. Doesn't Ivanka look hot today?

Alternative Fact: November 9, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): After a long day of diplomacy and statesmanship, Donald Trump likes to unwind with a good book.

Alternative Fact: November 8, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump fan Sarah Schmidt, after escaping from an insane asylum, paid a plastic surgeon to make her resemble Ivanka Trump. Recovering from the multiple surgeries, and safely back at the asylum, Sarah told her family on visiting day, "I wanted to look like Ivanka because I am in love with Donald Trump, and I know it's the most surefire way to get him to sleep with me." When asked for comment, Donald Trump told reporters: "Sarah Schmidt is looking good, but she should have made herself look like Ivanka at age twelve. Then, crazy or not, she would have been irresistible."