Religious People Are Peculiar

Clearly the Christian god has some serious issues with jealousy.

Type The Complete Words, Please

The next person who says "celebs" to me is going to find himself or herself smacked in the face. The word you're looking for is "celebrities." There is no reason to shorten it. You're not in that much of a hurry.  And shortening it makes you sound like a moron anyway.

I was reading the December 2, 2014 issue of Variety, and there was a short piece on a documentary film (and it's documentary, not doc). And the writer, Ronnie Scheib, clearly needs a severe beating, particularly for this line: "This caution somewhat fudges the film's throughline, but if Berg can find a distrib willing to brave the forces that have silenced this open secret for decades, the documentary should find avid auds worldwide" (p. 112). Distrib? Auds? Seriously? The words you were looking for are distributor and audiences. Don't be an asshole, Ronnie. Don't make me come after you. Use complete words from now on.

I understand that often it's not the writer of a piece that creates the headline, so I'll let you off the hook for the use of "Doc" in the title.

Bird (Thanksgiving Update)

Those bastards across the street - the ones with that loud bird - have moved. I couldn't be more pleased. But there was a time when I feared they had left the bird behind, and that it was going to scream until it finally died of starvation. I tried to find information on how long that would take, but I wasn't certain just what type of bird it was. You see, the moving truck arrived, and they packed all their belongings into it. And they left. And the house was dark. But the bird still screamed. I thought perhaps they'd come back in a couple of hours to retrieve it and whatever else might be left in the house. But three days passed before they came back for that fucking bird. Three days during which it screamed. Or perhaps it wasn't those people that came for the bird. I suppose it doesn't matter who eventually took the bird. Someone came for it, for it's no longer annoying me, and for that I am thankful.

Poets

When poets give readings and stress every single word as if giving instructions to a retarded child, I want to leap out of my seat and smack them across the face. Because someone needs to let them know they're being bad.

Bad Words

I often use the word "fuck." Occasionally someone will ask me not to use that word around him or her. And sometimes someone will ask me not to swear. Okay, fair enough. But I too have a list of words that I don't want to hear. This is it:

• multitask
• proactive
• blouse (This one is just an ugly-sounding word.)
• nylons (Also an ugly-sounding word.)
• slacks (Another ugly-sounding word.)
• selfie (Not really a word.)
• guesstimate (Also not a word.)
• irregardless (Also not a word.)
• waitressing (Also not a word. "Waitress" is a noun, not a verb. You never hear anyone say "waitering," do you?)
• momentarily (This one I don't want to hear because every time I hear it, it's used incorrectly. It means "for a moment," not "in a moment," so don't tell me you'll be with me momentarily or I will punch you in the face.)
• forte (This one I don't want to hear because every time I hear it, it's pronounced incorrectly - "forte," meaning "an area of expertise," has only one syllable - it rhymes with "snort")
• African-American (This one is just stupid. What would you call a black person in France? And what about white people who were born in Africa and now live in America?) 
• full-figured (Enough already! Please just say "fat" or "large.")
• reboot (This one bothers me specifically when it's used to refer to yet another remake of a film. Don't get fancy. Call it what it is: a lack of imagination coupled with a lack of guts to attempt something new.)

While we're on the subject, I also don't ever want to hear anyone say "is comprised of." That is incorrect. What you should say is "is composed of."

Once everyone has made these adjustments, then we can talk about my use of the word "fuck."

Bird

There is an awful sound in my neighborhood these days, because new neighbors across the street own a large bird. The first time I heard it, I thought a child was screaming in pain in the alley. And I went outside to either help the kid or finish him off. Either way, whatever would stop the noise. But it turned out to be a bird. It takes a special kind of asshole to want to own a bird. To separate it from other birds, to keep it in a small cage, an animal that should be flying about, enjoying its life. So of course the damned thing is screaming out in agony at all hours. I can hear it in my apartment, even with my air conditioning on and all my windows and doors closed. That is one loud motherfucker, and its screech is so obnoxious that it immediately puts me on edge. I need it to stop, but I'm afraid that people who are awful enough to own a bird aren't going to be understanding enough to keep it quiet. They need to put a blanket over its cage whenever they're not home, and if I'm lucky, the poor bastard will suffocate and die.

New And Improved?

I hate when a product's packaging or an advertisement says, "New and improved." It can't be both. If it's a new item, then it's not improved. If it has been improved, then it cannot be new. Please purchase a dictionary. Thank you.