Religious People Are Peculiar

I bet Christopher Lambert could escape from your god.

Happy Christmas

Happy Christmas, everyone! For those who don't know the story, today is the day that Santa Claus gave a baby to a young peasant woman named Mary, whose husband Joseph - through no fault of his own - was sterile. Or, if not sterile, just really tired in the evenings. Santa and Mary met secretly late at night in a barn near a crowded inn, but somehow three lunatics still managed to find them. After sneaking up on the understandably upset and embarrassed Mary, they gave the baby completely inappropriate gifts. Thus began a tradition of giving largely unwanted items to people on this special day. Only one of the three presents was even appreciated by Mary; that, of course, being the gold. And that is why today the only gift most people are excited to receive is money. Enjoy!

Religious People Are Peculiar

Great! Thanks, God. Well, the toilet is backed up again, and the laundry needs to be done, at least three or four loads. While you get started on that, I'll put together a list of other problems and concerns. I have many. You certainly have your work cut out for you. I don't want to be in your way, so I think I'll go meet some friends for drinks and possibly catch a movie. Thanks again!

A Not Quite Tall Enough Man

     I’ve decided to finally become taller. I’m going to get one of those neck extensions that are all the rage in certain sections of New York and Paris. When I was growing up, everyone in my family promised I’d be tall. I was to be perhaps taller than my grandfather, who was well over six feet. I accepted this, and though I never admitted it aloud, I was excited at the prospect of being taller than everyone around me (except, perhaps, my grandfather). But something happened, and my growth was halted when I was just five feet ten inches tall. I was betrayed.

     I do directly attribute my problems with the police and school officials in my teen years and early twenties to this false promise of height. The world had let me down, and I didn’t trust it or respect it. And I lashed out. Sure, it might seem foolish to you now, but I was full of anger and disappointment.

     Now, after two broken marriages, a little jail time, a series of uninspired jobs, and a severe beating by an irate colleague, it’s time for the world to make good on its promise. I will be tall. Thanks to a slightly unorthodox doctor, who pioneered this new corrective surgery, I will be what I was intended to be. A giant among men. For now, to make up for those lost years, I intend not to add just a few inches, but a full foot. I will be nearly seven feet tall, and I will crush those around me. I will stomp on their faces and kick their ribs. Because finally everything will be as it should be.

(Copyright 2015 by Michael Doherty)

(Note: I wrote this story this morning, when I had no interest yet in getting out of bed. There was paper next to me, as there always is, and so I scribbled this down. I then put it aside, as I wanted to read the other story I’d written last night – “Esperanza’s Trick” – which in the morning still seemed to me to be as good as it was last night. But now a few hours have passed, and I like this one enough to post it here. That’s all for now.)

Esperanza’s Trick

     Esperanza was a one-legged whore who specialized in card tricks. She had no real beauty to speak of, but she also had no boundaries, having given up years ago after the rape and murder of her favorite dog, Fizzy. The only thing she enjoyed, besides her card tricks, was memorizing the obituary page every morning and then performing it as a monologue at Tammy’s bar every evening right before she started her shift. Put her in the right mood, she said. Tammy didn’t mind that it frightened off some customers, because the two had been roommates once upon a time, and besides, she believed it drew others to the bar, and everyone wanted a drink after witnessing the performance.

     Esperanza’s territory wasn’t wide, due to trouble she had getting about, so she wasn’t hard to find. I had twenty dollars in my pocket, more than enough for what I had in mind, including a beer at Tammy’s. She took me to her little room, and in the candlelight I saw the wrinkles dance upon her face, like they might get up and settle elsewhere at any moment. There was no smile left to her, even though I caught her at the beginning of the night, before despair and fatigue flattened her. I admit I was disappointed, but she hadn’t yet performed her card trick, and that, after all, was what I was paying her for. She offered to warm up by sucking my cock, but I assured her that wasn’t necessary. Sex no longer appealed to me. In fact, it – like many other things these days – frightened me.

     Esperanza had a special deck of cards, which I didn’t question. She somehow used her one foot to shuffle the cards, and that alone was worth the money I was giving her. She was certainly aware of her charms, so few were they that they were easy to keep track of, but she didn’t milk them. There were others waiting out there, I’m sure she surmised, and she already had my money. She was naked, except for a sheet of thin purple gauze loosely wrapped around her torso. I wanted to ask her if her regulars found that sexy, but I couldn’t imagine she had regulars. Once you’d tasted what she had to offer, surely you could get on with your life, as I planned to. Well, what was left of it, anyway.

     The trick she performed was one I’d seen done before. In fact, it was one I’d done myself a few times in my youth, though without any style. The trick itself wasn’t important. It was the way she did it, choosing the cards with the toes of that one foot. And even though it was done without any excitement, I felt there was still some joy to it for her, some accomplishment, like she was pulling one over on whatever forces led her to this existence, that though she should be beaten, she was somehow in control of some tiny element of magic, something those forces themselves could never master. It was that element which provided the only shred of hope I could gather, what perhaps led her in her choice of professional names. At the climax of the trick, her wrinkles seemed – just for a moment – to smile, even though her mouth did not. And then, just as suddenly, it was over, and I was quickly ushered back out onto the street, toward my car, toward my home in that brighter, lovelier section of town, where no one has hope because no one any longer needs it.


(Copyright 2015 by Michael Doherty)

Religious People Are Peculiar

I didn't understand this one at all, so I went into the church and asked the priest. He told me that this week, and this week only, giants and midgets are allowed inside. Giants have to pay double, but midgets are half off.

Phones

Someone remarked how payphones have almost completely disappeared. But all phones are payphones.

Tall Girl

     Marlene is a tall girl. Quite tall. Her friends all started calling her a tree. She told them she didn’t appreciate the nickname, and they just stared at her in disbelief. Finally one of them, Nathan, spoke up. He said, “But you are a tree, Marlene.” The others nodded their heads in agreement. Marlene didn’t believe them, not even when the birds began building a nest on her shoulder. For how could she possibly be a tree? All her life she’d been doing human activities. Sure, she’d get depressed in the winter months, and remain largely inactive. But wasn’t that the case for a lot of people? Certainly it was.

     And she would have told the birds they were mistaken, but she found their presence soothing, and she felt a need to take care of them, to shelter them as best she could. Of course, this meant she had to postpone her trip to Baltimore, which certainly would have proved her non-tree status. Trees don’t travel to Baltimore. But as long as the birds would remain, so would she. They meant more to her than proving her identity. Marlene could remain very still when she wanted to. She did so now, even when a dog cruelly relieved himself on her shoes. That’s how determined she was to care for those birds. She wasn’t sure how long the birds would be there – she was no ornithologist – and so she didn’t know when she’d get to Baltimore. But, she surmised, Baltimore would still be there after the birds had gone. And then, once and for all, she’d show everyone just what kind of tree she was.


(Copyright 2015 by Michael Doherty)

Photo From Work

Here is a shot of the sunset at Disney Studios in Burbank.

Religious People Are Peculiar

Well, to answer your first question, yes, I will do my best. As for the second, of course not, you very silly sign. No one lives forever, comfortably or not. What a stupid, stupid thing to ask.

The Laziest Person On The Planet

I'm not sure what the deal is with these things, and I try not to poke fun at people too much. But whenever I see someone using one, I can't help but think, "You are beyond fucking lazy." And my impulse is to push the person off of it. So far, I've restrained myself, but I make no promises for the future.

Quantum Mechanics

My cousin Joe is a quantum mechanic. If you've got a problem with your quantum, he's the guy you want to see. And this week he's running a special on probability amplitudes.

Something To Think About

If we can stop production of cigarettes, chewing gum and dogs, the sidewalks will be beautiful.