Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: The words "they," "their" and "them" refer to more than one person (or animal or thing), and shouldn't be used to refer to a single person. This is something we all learned in school early on, and yet the mistake is common. And, yes, the correct "he or she" can become awkward, particularly if in the same sentence you need to also say "him or her," but there are ways to avoid such constructions. In some cases, you could simply make the subject plural. Like instead of saying "Anyone who votes Republican should have his or her head examined," you could say, "People who vote Republican should have their heads examined." The same goes for someone of unknown gender. Don't say, for example, "Someone left their backpack outside the boarding gate." If you don't want to say, "Someone left his or her backpack outside the boarding you gate," you could instead say, "Someone left a backpack outside the boarding gate" or "A backpack was left outside the boarding gate" or "TSA is going to destroy someone's backpack."

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Don't say "impossible" when you mean "improbable." That old television program should have been titled Mission: Improbable. Or, if the producers were adamant about calling it Mission: Impossible, then every episode should have ended in failure.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Don't say, "Quote unquote," without putting something in between. Seriously. If you say, "Quote unquote," this is what you're saying: "" (which obviously is nothing). If you're quoting something, or you're using quotations marks to imply doubt or insincerity about something, whatever it is needs to be within the quotation marks. As in: "He's a quote genius unquote." Saying, "He's a quote unquote genius" is not saying anything at all, at least not about the person in question. It is, however, saying something about you, and not something you likely want said about you.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: The word "bad" is an adjective, not a noun (except in the old sense of "wickedness"). When people began saying "My bad," I would playfully ask them to please finish the thought. Your bad what? Your bad grasp on English? Your bad way of communicating? Your bad understanding of how to use adjectives? I thought that nonsense would pass quickly, but I still hear people say, "My bad." Don't be one of those people. Say, "My mistake" or "My error" or "My fault."

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: When referring to your social media activity, don't use "like" as a noun. While the word "like" can be used as a noun as in, say, "Have you seen the like?" (a line from "Uncle John's Band"), it absolutely cannot be used in the sense of "I got a hundred likes." Saying "I got a hundred likes" makes you sound like the stupidest creature alive. Instead, say "A hundred people liked my post." Better yet, let it pass without comment.

Los Angeles Dodgers Visit White House

The Los Angeles Dodgers, celebrating their second consecutive World Series victory, visited the White House on Thursday. One by one, the players all knelt down before the president and put his limp worm in their mouths. There was no arousal (after all, none of the players resembled Ivanka Trump), though, as Will Klein gleefully announced, "He did pee a little." Shohei Ohtani confirmed the president's incontinence, and both pitchers told reporters that they were never going to wash their mouths out again after such an honor. After the players pledged their undying fealty to the fat old fascist, the team was treated to a special performance by The Jeffrey Epstein Dancers, who were bussed in from a West Virginia grammar school. "This is why I love baseball, and why I am going to miss the game," Clayton Kershaw exclaimed, while twelve-year-old Kaley Smith gave him a lap dance. Kershaw retired at the end of the 2025 season. When asked what he might do now, Kershaw said he'd love to manage. He then clarified that he did not mean a baseball team, but rather the dance troupe who had just entertained him and his fellow teammates. Dodgers team owner Mark Walter promised Dodgers fans another World Series victory in 2026, adding that the opportunity to suck Trump's cock again next year is all the inspiration he needs.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: The word "momentarily" means "for a moment," not "in a moment." People think they sound intelligent when they say, "I'll be with you momentarily," when actually they sound stupid because they're misusing the word. If you do misuse the word, excuse yourself by saying it was a momentary lapse in judgment. You could also say, "Sorry, I momentarily forgot what the word means."

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Learn how to pronounce "especially." This is a weird one, because it seems that people are misspelling it, for I often hear "eck-specially" and sometimes "ex-specially." I'm curious how these folks write the word. If you spell it correctly, you should pronounce it correctly. And while we're on the subject, for the love of all you hold dear, the word is "ask," not "aks." When someone says "aks," it sounds like "axe," and when I hear "Let me axe you something," I have a strong desire to take an axe to the person's head. I have refrained from doing so thus far, largely because I do not own an axe, but I cannot promise to hold back forever.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Learn the difference between "healthy" and "healthful." The word "healthy" means "having health" while "healthful" means "serving to promote health." When talking about a meal or diet, for example, you should use "healthful." A healthy meal would be one that is still alive, and while that would certainly make dinner time more interesting, it is probably not what you mean.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: The word "quality" by itself doesn't mean anything in terms of describing the worth of something. Saying "quality workmanship" or "quality merchandise" tells us nothing whatsoever. It could be high-quality, it could be low-quality. Who knows? Think of "quality" the way you think of "degree." If someone said, "degree workmanship," you'd immediately understand how meaningless the statement was. I used to think the use of the word "quality" like that was deliberately deceptive, a way for companies to avoid telling the truth without lying. Now I just think people are idiots.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: "Snuck" is not a word. "Sneaked" is the correct past tense form of "sneak."

Remember, a common mistake is still a mistake.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: The correct phrase is "can hardly wait," not "can't hardly wait." "Can't hardly" is a double negative. 

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: The phrase is "couldn't care less," not "could care less." Saying "I could care less" means you do care, at least a little bit. 

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: "Irregardless" is not a word. I think this abomination comes from people aiming to say "regardless" or "irrespective" and somehow garbling the two. Whatever the cause, "irregardless" is not a word and should never be uttered by anyone who wants to be considered even moderately intelligent.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: The word "hopefully" means "in a hopeful manner," not "I hope that." This sentence is correct: "The child hopefully opened his gifts." This sentence is not correct: "Hopefully Donald Trump, his whore and all his offspring will die today" (though the sentiment is correct).

Remember, a common mistake is still a mistake.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Learn the difference between "bad" and "badly." There is a moment in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang that I especially appreciate (that whole film is wonderful), a moment that perfectly illustrates the difference. When I saw this movie in the theatre, I couldn't help but applaud when Harmony (Michelle Monaghan) corrects Harry (Robert Downey Jr.) after Harry says, "I feel badly." "Bad," Harmony says. She explains: "'Badly' is an adverb, so to say you feel badly would be saying that the mechanism which allows you to feel is broken." Harry doesn't quite learn the distinction, and later makes a mistake when talking with Perry (Val Kilmer). And Perry corrects him. "Who taught you grammar? Get out. Vanish." Perhaps that should be our response when anyone makes this mistake.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: The word "legend" refers to a story or event that people believe in, but for which there is no real evidence. For example, the story of King Arthur is a legend. Mick Jagger, on the other hand, is someone we know to be a real person, and so not a legendary figure. And to be clear, the stories are what are the legends, not the characters. People, whether they are fictional or not, should never be referred to as legends.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: The word "forte," the musical term meaning "loud," and the word "forte," meaning "something a person does especially well," are heteronyms and not homonyms. The first "forte" is two syllables, while the second is only one. The "forte" that means one's strong suit rhymes with "snort" and "port."

Remember, a common mistake is still a mistake.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Learn the difference between "sitting" and "seated." The word "sitting" is the action of lowering yourself onto a chair (or someone's face or whatever). But once that action is completed, you are no longer sitting. Now you are seated.

Remember, a common mistake is still a mistake.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Never use the word "ask" as a noun. I don't know what imbecile started this trend, but it does you no good to follow examples set by idiots. The word "ask" is a verb. There is one exception to this, as I've learned, and that is if you happen to travel back in time in a certain part of the UK, and are using it to mean "asker," which is a newt, but I doubt very many of you will be doing that.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Don't use the word "comprise." Just don't. It is rare that I find it used correctly even in print, even in books by somewhat respected authors. If you have an urge to use the word, instead use "compose." Ninety-nine out of a hundred times, "compose" is the word you wanted anyway. But, here's a little test you can take. Of the following three sentences, only one uses the word "comprise" correctly. Which one do you think it is?

1. Nine players comprise a baseball team.
2. A baseball team is comprised of nine players.
3. A baseball team comprises nine players.

Okay, first of all, yes, I know there are more players on a team. But as far as fielding a team, you need only nine. That being said, which option did you choose?

The only correct one is the third sentence: "A baseball team comprises nine players." You can never say "comprised of." That is always wrong. Say "composed of" to avoid sounding ignorant.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: A word that many people should simply avoid using is "literally." Often when I hear people say it, they actually mean "figuratively," which is basically the opposite. And the emphasis they put on the word makes them sound even dumber. I once heard someone say, "I literally died," with great emphasis on "literally." My urge, of course, was to cut the person's head off because she was admitting to being a zombie, and those creatures never mean us any good.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Never say that something is "really unique" or "very unique" or "somewhat unique." Things are either unique or they aren't. You cannot modify that adjective. There are no degrees of uniqueness. The word "unique" means that there is just one of whatever it is you're talking about. If there is more than one of something, it is not unique.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: If you feel a need to use abbreviations, at least first know what the abbreviations stand for. That way, you won't utter such foolishness as "PIN number" and "ATM machine." For those who don't know, the "N" in PIN stands for "number," and the "M" in "ATM" stands for "machine," so if you say "PIN number," you are saying "personal identification number number."

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Here is today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: The word "ultimate" means "the final, the last." It does not mean "the best." Otherwise, what would "penultimate" mean? The second best? A silver medal winner received the penultimate award? Ridiculous. Years ago, a television program was advertised as "the ultimate reality show." I was thrilled with that news, as so-called reality shows had been on for far too long already and every one of them was terrible. But it turned out that advertisement was a fucking lie.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: "Retro" is not a word. It is a prefix, as in "retrograde," "retroactive," "retrocedent" and "retrospect." Using "retro" as a word will certainly alert those around you that you didn't pay attention in school.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Do not use the word "ambivalent" when you mean "indifferent." The two words have quite different definitions, with "ambivalent" meaning feeling very strongly but in two opposing ways. It's easy to understand the word if you understand the prefix "ambi," which means both. As in "ambidextrous," which means being able to use both hands equally (as opposed to meaning "hands aren't important" or something foolish like that).

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Today's tip to keep you from sounding like like a moron: Never say you'll meet someone at 12 p.m., for 12 p.m. doesn't exist. "PM" stands for "post meridiem," and 12 is the meridiem. Something can't be the meridiem and also be after the meridiem. Instead, say you'll meet him at noon (because "12 m" sounds odd). Or make your plans for 12:01 p.m. 

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Never claim you're giving one hundred ten percent or that you agree with someone one thousand percent.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: Commit to a word, rather than giving up on it halfway through, like those idiots who say "celeb" and "phenom."

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Today's tip to keep you from sounding like a moron: "cringe" is a verb. Do not use it as an adjective. When you do, intelligent people cringe.

Tips To Keep You From Sounding Stupid

Just a reminder for those who need it: "invite" is a verb, "invitation" is a noun.