Alternative Fact: December 24, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has tasked his prostitute Melania with completing an inventory of all furnishings and artwork in the White House. This is in preparation for his decision regarding which items are to be shipped to the new Trump Tower in Moscow, construction of which is scheduled to begin immediately upon Donald's leaving office. "Just think," Donald said to his girlfriend Ivanka, "soon Russian whores will get a chance to pee on Lincoln's bed."

Alternative Fact: December 23, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump announced plans to fire Santa Claus if he doesn't receive a wall for Christmas.

Alternative Fact: December 22, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Stephen Miller's spray-on hair was an early Christmas gift from the children he keeps under his bed. "I thought if we could give him hair, he would stop feeding on our souls," said one haunted young waif. "I was wrong."

Mistress Boobilicious Goes West

Mistress Boobilicious is once again on the go, and authorities have been put on alert all along her expected route of travel. "We are more concerned with the behavior of her devoted fans," Officer Reardon told reporters. "They get within half a mile of her and they go nuts. I've seen it before." Authorities in Colorado are especially nervous, as it is rumored that the very mountains of that state become envious at the sight of Mistress Boobilicious, and they could come tumbling down out of pure frustration, causing incalculable mayhem and devastation.

Alternative Fact: December 21, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Brian Kolfage, the man who started the online fundraising efforts for Donald's Wall, is from Mexico, as is every single Trump supporter who has donated money, thus helping Donald to fulfill his campaign promise that Mexico would pay for the border wall.

Alternative Fact: December 20, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump, sensing the only way he might manage to stay out of prison is if he remains in the White House, has barricaded himself inside his room. Through the locked door, he shouted that the only way he would come out is if Putin can guarantee his win again in 2020.

Alternative Fact: December 19, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The only reason Donald Trump intended to build a Trump Tower in Moscow was because Putin promised him he'd be able to name the tower's spa after his personal masseuse and long-time girlfriend. "The spa was going to be called The Ivanka," Donald said. "A nice wet place where I have always made myself welcome."