Alternative Fact: December 24, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump has tasked his prostitute Melania with completing an inventory of all furnishings and artwork in the White House. This is in preparation for his decision regarding which items are to be shipped to the new Trump Tower in Moscow, construction of which is scheduled to begin immediately upon Donald's leaving office. "Just think," Donald said to his girlfriend Ivanka, "soon Russian whores will get a chance to pee on Lincoln's bed."