Alternative Fact: November 14, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The deal Donald Trump made with his prostitute was that if she agreed to remain with him until he began serving his prison term, her fee would double and she would be allowed to fire one government official of her choosing. "I let the little slut do meaningless stuff like that," Donald told Sean Hannity as the two men cuddled in their Paris hotel room. "It makes her feel more important than she is."

Alternative Fact: November 11, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): The reason Donald Trump canceled his visit to the World War I cemetery is not that he is a whiny little bitch fearful of getting wet, but that Sarah Huckabee Sanders warned him of a possible zombie uprising. "A cemetery is the last place you should be, Master," his loyal, well-fed beast told him.

Alternative Fact: November 10, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Sarah Huckabee Sanders handed White House reporters a list of questions that will be allowed at future press conferences. "These questions, and only these questions, will be answered by the president," Sarah told them, warning that any deviation from the questions would result in their press credentials being revoked. The questions are as follows:

1. How are you able to do so many great things?
2. What do you think is your greatest achievement so far? 
3. What great things will you do next?
4. Doesn't Ivanka look hot today?

Alternative Fact: November 9, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): After a long day of diplomacy and statesmanship, Donald Trump likes to unwind with a good book.

Alternative Fact: November 8, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump fan Sarah Schmidt, after escaping from an insane asylum, paid a plastic surgeon to make her resemble Ivanka Trump. Recovering from the multiple surgeries, and safely back at the asylum, Sarah told her family on visiting day, "I wanted to look like Ivanka because I am in love with Donald Trump, and I know it's the most surefire way to get him to sleep with me." When asked for comment, Donald Trump told reporters: "Sarah Schmidt is looking good, but she should have made herself look like Ivanka at age twelve. Then, crazy or not, she would have been irresistible."

New And Improved

I saw this sign at the post office the other day. Unfortunately, I did not have a marker with me to correct it. So here is a reminder. There is no such thing as "new and improved." Something can be new, in which case it has not been improved. Or it can be improved, which means it is not new. Of course, it can be newly improved. But absolutely, under no circumstances, can something be new and improved. Please correct your sign.

Alternative Fact: October 19, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): As Sarah Huckabee Sanders indicated, migrant children who were separated from their parents by the Trump administration had been looking for a way to get away from them anyway. Many children cited early bedtimes and lack of their own personal cell phones as reasons why they wished to be separated from their parents. "I love it here in the United States," one six-year-old girl told reporters. "Being in this cage with other children, I can stay up as late as I want."