New And Improved

I saw this sign at the post office the other day. Unfortunately, I did not have a marker with me to correct it. So here is a reminder. There is no such thing as "new and improved." Something can be new, in which case it has not been improved. Or it can be improved, which means it is not new. Of course, it can be newly improved. But absolutely, under no circumstances, can something be new and improved. Please correct your sign.

Alternative Fact: October 19, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): As Sarah Huckabee Sanders indicated, migrant children who were separated from their parents by the Trump administration had been looking for a way to get away from them anyway. Many children cited early bedtimes and lack of their own personal cell phones as reasons why they wished to be separated from their parents. "I love it here in the United States," one six-year-old girl told reporters. "Being in this cage with other children, I can stay up as late as I want."

Alternative Fact: September 20, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump praised Brett Kavanaugh again and told reporters, "We have to overturn Roe v. Wade because it unfairly protects women's rights while ignoring the rights of rapists like me and my very good choice for Supreme Court justice."

Alternative Fact: September 17 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump is not suffering from dementia. His rambling, repetitive, incoherent speech is calculated to appeal to the stupidest of all Americans, namely his supporters. And when he wanders around or out of a room, or doesn't recognize the people seated directly across from him or next to him, or forgets to sign a bill that he's there to sign, it's not due to dementia, but rather because this very stable genius is focused on other, more important matters, such as golf or sex with his daughter.

Alternative Fact: September 16, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump saved the day in Puerto Rico last year by tossing a dozen rolls of paper towels to a small crowd. Remember, it was those very towels that soaked up all the flood waters and restored Puerto Rico's electricity. Now Donald has told citizens in North Carolina that he will just as easily clean up the troubles caused by Hurricane Florence, and so they should not worry.

Alternative Fact: September 15, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Donald Trump falls asleep every night to the sound of his girlfriend Ivanka reading the print-out of his most popular posts on Twitter.

Alternative Fact: September 14, 2018

Today's alternative fact (to help you get through the day): Not all Trump supporters are products of inbreeding. And a few of these people have actually attended high school.